I Wish I Were Kidding

Posted by David Aronchick | Wednesday, July 9th 2008

Want a job? Here's a hint: DON'T BE THIS GUY. If someone can tell me what (if anything) he's done based on this cover letter and/or some evidence that he's actually applying to our company, I will personally give you a peanut.

I seem to remember some buzzword sensor thing — similar to the Sarcasm Detector (invented by Frink) thing that just exploded when it got pointed at the Comic Book Guy ["Ooh, a sarcasm detector. Oh, that's a really useful invention (!)"]. – I can't imagine the score the below would rack up.

Dear Mr. Aronchick,

Are you looking for a business-centric information technology professional with extensive experience delivering best-practice processes and systems that solve complex problems?

I have increased organizational effectiveness and productivity by providing innovative, high-value technology solutions that improved business process management and operational agility.

Thank you for your consideration of the attached resume. I look forward to talking with you about my background, career objectives, and opportunities with your company.

Best regards,

<Person's name>

Only slightly more annoying that the above? High pitched call of the Rufescent Screech Owl.


  • http://profile.typekey.com/capnmariam/ capnmariam

    It might have been this:

    I would guess “Management consultant” (or potentially “spreadsheet monkey”) were on the attached resume.

  • http://profile.typekey.com/1210789137s25190/ David Aronchick

    Boo! It’s broken :( or i can’t get it to work anyway.

    Management consultant has GOT to be it. Sufficiently ambiguous, but sophisticated sounding (it’s got the word “Manage” right in there!).

    BTW, grammer-nazis^H^H^H^Hexperts … is it “I wish I _were_ kidding” or “I wish I _was_ kidding”

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