I Wish I Were Kidding
Want a job? Here's a hint: DON'T BE THIS GUY. If someone can tell me what (if anything) he's done based on this cover letter and/or some evidence that he's actually applying to our company, I will personally give you a peanut.
I seem to remember some buzzword sensor thing — similar to the Sarcasm Detector (invented by Frink) thing that just exploded when it got pointed at the Comic Book Guy ["Ooh, a sarcasm detector. Oh, that's a really useful invention (!)"]. – I can't imagine the score the below would rack up.
Dear Mr. Aronchick,
Are you looking for a business-centric information technology professional with extensive experience delivering best-practice processes and systems that solve complex problems?
I have increased organizational effectiveness and productivity by providing innovative, high-value technology solutions that improved business process management and operational agility.
Thank you for your consideration of the attached resume. I look forward to talking with you about my background, career objectives, and opportunities with your company.
Only slightly more annoying that the above? High pitched call of the Rufescent Screech Owl.