How To Tell If You’re Really An American Psycho

Posted by Michael | Thursday, September 30th 2010

The American Psycho movie starring Christian Bale was released in 2000 and has developed a strong following over the years. Bale’s character, Patrick Bateman, is an amazing portrayal of a materialistic yuppie and the consumerist void he experiences as he completes his transformation into an American Psycho.

As shocking as the movie might be, many of the points really hit home, and the truth is there are real-life Patrick Bateman’s out there walking among us. Are you one of them?

Here are some of the warning signs you should look for.

A Genuine Disdain For The Homeless

Do you walk by the homeless and think they smell awful? Do you believe they are filthy, lazy people that need to get a job? Do you feel they are losers that you just don’t have anything in common with? Patrick Bateman would answer yes to all of these questions and if you do too, you’re off to a good start to being like him. Just don’t stomp on a homeless dog, please.

A Meticulous Morning Routine

We all have some sort of morning routine. For most, it’s starts with hitting snooze on the alarm clock and ends with frantically putting on makeup or tying a tie in the car. A true American Psycho wouldn’t stand for such a routine. Exercise, water-activated gel cleansers, exfoliating gel scrubs, and alcohol-free after shave are all prerequisites for an American Psycho morning routine. If you have a touch of OCD in your morning routine, you very well could be a real-life American Psycho.

The Business Card Obsession

It Even Has A Watermark sound bite

Business cards are a great way to provide someone with your contact information and leave an impression about yourself and your company. They are also used to stuff your local sandwich shop’s fishbowl to win a free sandwich. Or if you’re a salesman, you steal the cards out of the fishbowl to show your boss you’ve been working hard and getting a bunch of leads. Liar.

For the true American Psycho, the business card is still incredibly important. It’s a status symbol and bone, eggshell, and pale nimbus are the colors of choice. Make sure your card has a watermark.

A Love of 80′s Music

American Psycho 8. "Hip To Be Square" sound bite

Patrick Bateman has three different monologues in which he discusses his love of various 80′s music. Bateman is crazy about Huey Lewis and the News and Phil Collins, and he knows every little detail about them. Of course, he also likes to use 80’s music as the soundtrack to his horrific acts.

If you love 80′s music and can talk about the artists with great depth and admiration, you can check this one off your list. And don’t let anyone give you crap for loving Whitney Houston.

Coworker Envy

I Killed Paul Allen sound bite

A little healthy competition at work among the young and ambitious is usually a good thing. Sometimes jealousy will also make its way into the workplace. If you’re as jealous of your coworkers as Bateman is of Paul Allen and the others, you might have a problem. Try not to kill any of them.

Dine At The Coolest Restaurants

A reservation at Dorsia is something Patrick was never able to get (even though he pretended to). It bothered him that his rival, Paul Allen, was able to get one because he LOVED to dine at the coolest restaurants. Any true American Psycho would give his right arm to have a Friday night reservation at the chicest restaurant in town. It’s all about being seen and having bragging rights that you’ve rubbed elbows with the elite. If this sounds like you, check yourself. You might be an American Psycho.

Fan Of Chainsaws

Ahhh, the sound of a chainsaw firing up. It’s both exciting and terrifying. The chainsaw is known as much for being the slasher’s weapon of choice as it is for cutting down trees. And apparently, wearing clothes while operating one is optional for an American Psycho.

Disturbingly Violent Sketching

I love to doodle. It’s a great way to pass time or stay awake while listening to someone drone on and on about something you don’t care about. However, I don’t make a habit of doodling violent murder scenes. But hey, that’s just me, and I guess I’m just not cut out to be an American Psycho.

Are you?

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