When you’re a kid, you’re generally oblivious. You’re gullible and see things from an extremely innocent point of view. With that in mind, go back and watch all your favorite cartoons. You might be surprised how many cartoon characters seem to be on drugs.

1. Speedy Gonzales

He’s constantly racing at break-neck speed no matter what he’s doing. The metabolism of this small mouse in a red scarf and oversized yellow sombrero must be jacked up on something. His dashing about like a flash makes me want to pop Dramamine to calm my motion sickness.

2. Ren and Stimpy

Come on– Aggression, blatant stupidity, and solutions to predicaments that are simplistic to even a three year-old? These two definitely shared a lucid moment in their animated lives. Stempy’s guttural exclamations and occasional red-veined, eye-popping outbursts left parents with one question: is this just silly entertainment or is it going to convince my kids to do drugs?

3. Bart Simpson

Switching the two middle letters in this guy’s name reveals his true personality: brat. The foreign substances Bart likely ingests to pull off his pranks would send the most ambitious junkie to the nearest E/R. Hopefully in time to cleanse his system of toxins. Constantly mischievous, he still might get killed off when he crosses the wrong dealer.

4. Shaggy

It’s perfectly O.K. to like a dog, but Shaggy needs to get a life. He constantly needs to be consoled, morally supported and even rescued–by a dog. Shaggy may very well be washing down his daily meal of dog food with some of that infamous tainted Kool-Aid. And I guarantee he’s hot boxing in that van.

5. Popeye

Really, what was in that can of spinach that gave this sailor such super-human strength? This guy would be a law enforcement agent’s worse nightmare. No Taser could stop him once he goes on a ‘roid rage. I wonder if he’s friends with Roger Clemens?

6. Droopy

This poor excuse of a dog ventured through deeds and misdeeds with a set of drooping eyes that I wanted to prop open with toothpicks. This guy was truly hitting a bong filled with canine cannabis.

7. Beavis and Butthead

Perhaps the quintessential animated stoners, these two misfits would turn half-hour shows into a showcase for a single word or phrase. The word “bung-holio” comes immediately to mind. Their stares, clothes, and laughs help solidify the fact that they’re geeking out.

8. Woody Woodpecker

An annoying rat-a-tat drill that reminds you of a child with OCD. A grating laugh that makes you wish you were deaf. A maniacal smile hiding the truth. And what truth is that? He just snorted a line.

9. The Caterpillar (Alice and Wonderland)

Sure, the time was more innocent. But a cuddly, festive-colored caterpillar smoking from a gigantic bong? What message was Walt Disney trying to deliver here? It’s like he wasn’t even trying to be secretive about it. The bong was out there for all to see. This prototype for the sluggish Jabba the Hut is certainly not a role model for any child.

10. Goofy

Intellectually challenged, slow-talking and dressed with clothes that even a second-hand store wouldn’t stock, we ponder Goofy’s preference toward a foreign substance. And, what’s with that hat he wears? Goofy may not have been doing drugs during his shows, but he definitely did in the past. A classic burnout.

11. Oscar the Grouch

You need to cut people some slack once in a while. But this messy Jim Henson Muppet character is always pissed at someone. You know why? He’s fiending. Don’t believe me? Check his arms and legs for needle marks.

12. Gumby

A gymnast may envy his ability to contort its body into unbelievable positions, but in reality, this limber stick creation will have some serious arthritis issues. His only apparent meaningful relationship involves a horse. Wow—that’s sick. Why wouldn’t he turn to drugs? And if he wasn’t on drugs, his creators sure were.

13. Pepe Le Pew

You can only imagine the utter humiliation realized by a persistent, all-permeating body odor. But Pepe Le Pew remains oblivious to his problem. Instead he rubs all over everyone and everything. The culprit? Definitely ecstasy.

14. Brian From Family Guy

This wise-cracking dog that converses in a near-monotone voice is annoying at best. But coupled with the frequent affinity toward a martini makes me anxious as to when this lush will start on its own 12-step program. Plus, he did become a cocaine addict in one episode. In the meantime, the dog should be kept away from Stewie. He’s a terrible role model.

15. Mighty Mouse

Unbridled power, a sense of moral superiority, and a compelling inner urge to cure all the wrongs in the cartoon world. It’s all a cover up. A closer look makes you wonder where the superior strength comes from. PCP comes to mind.
What other cartoon characters do you think have substance abuse problems?