As always, remake mania is still spreading wildly like an STD at Lindsay Lohan’s birthday party.  I recently learned of some more information on childhood favorites that are about to become the latest victims of the Hollywood Rehash Machine.  And, once again, the recently announced titles are from 1980′s classics collections that should not be touched or fondled in any way.  It’s wrong to touch them like that, they are too young and you will get caught.

MGM has recently announced the following titles (WARNING: Some titles are cherished films of your childhood and you should make sure that if you feel faint or dizzy at any point….MGM doesn’t care.)

POLTERGEIST: Yes, you read that correctly.  Do not adjust your eyes, the blinding light you see is not the path that Carol Anne Freeling was told to avoid, it is the horrendous Hollywood flashlight trying to blind you with what is sure to be an eyesore of disappointment and shame.  We shouldn’t be all that surprised that this is going to become a reality, after all they did remake classic horror fare such as The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (a decent attempt) and Friday the 13th (shamefully lame) and even A Nightmare on Elm Street (good casting, lame film) in the last few years so why not remake, what is still to this day, the freakiest haunted house movie I have ever seen (not neglecting you, The Shining, you were a hotel).  I absolutely loathe the idea of remaking this, but I will relish the opportunity to rip the remake apart in comparison.  I throw down the gauntlet, MGM.  You have been challenged to a duel.

WARGAMES: Yes, even Matthew Broderick films are being pillaged for their source material. This is one title that has potential (wait, Eagle Eye beat you to it…) to be a decent film ONLY because of the advancements in technology since 1983.  But, we all know how the original panned out in the end so why even bother?  Oh yes, because there are no new scripts or stories anywhere in existence for you to produce.  Now I understand.

MR. MOM: Really? Seriously? I suppose they can go ahead and remake this film.  Only because I won’t go see it!

ROBOCOP: Whoa, back up the remake truck.  You had better get Paul Verhoeven involved in this or fans are going to revolt.  As a fan of both the movies and TV series, just promise me one thing.  Are you ready?  It’s actually a big thing.  It’s the kind of thing that is really important to me and the rest of the world:  KEEP THE ROBOCOP ARMOR DESIGN THE SAME.  It is iconic, it is cool, it is perfect. Don’t mess with it too much, otherwise you’ll end up “1998 Godzilla-ing” yourself into a laughing stock that nobody will pay to see.  Carry on the fanbase, respect the source material.  Here’s a hint:  J.J. Abram’s Star Trek.  Watch that, and do that.  It’s the same, but different.  Get it?  Hopefully you do.

I can’t possibly leave this blog without a few more mentions of remakes.  I will start off with the positive (yes, I do have some good news.)  The film remake of The A-Team was highly enjoyable, and I actually do look forward to future installments being made.  It had the humor and characters of the beloved TV series nailed down (Sharlto Copely, I am referring to your awesomeness) and the action was top-notch.  Over the top?  Sure.  Shaky-cam ridiculous at times?  You bet.  Believable action scenes?  Hell no!  But that is exactly what you knew going into it and, to top it off, they kept the iconic van and the look of the original characters INTACT.  Respect, gotta have it or you don’t get it.

The bad news:  The crapfest that was Knight Rider.  No, not The Hoff’s crowing achievement of 1980′s godliness, I am talking about NBC’s last ditch effort to convert K.I.T.T. into a Val Kilmer spewin’ Ford Mustang.  I can hardly type the words of disgust I have for what they did to that series when they brought it back, but let’s just say that by not following the basic rules of respect they drove that K.I.T.T. into a well deserved early grave.

Stay tuned for Volume 3, I’m gonna need some time to calm down after this one.

 
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