Best Billy Madison (1995) Movie Quotes
Even those of us who have leveled up and out of school feel the thrill of summer rising. Sure, innumerable beach days have been replaced by soul sucking cubicle work, but we’re hard wired to feel a metaphorical weight lift off of us in much the same way that we feel depressed when the summer comes to an end, that school schedule laced into our bones, the fear of returning to school always sticking with us. That’s why Billy Madison (1995) sticks with me — hillarious, but also frightening because Sandler’s character is forced to return to class as an adult in an effort to gain control of his fathers company (Madison Hotels).
The film was co-written by Sandler and it co-stars Bradley Whitford (back when he was easier to hate), Bridgette Wilson-Sampras (who teamed with Sandler for the world’s only appropriate 3rd grade teacher-student tryst), Norm MacDonald, and Darren McGavin.
Here are some quotes from Billy Madison (in no particular order), try not to think of the horrors of returning to school, and remember what it was like back when Sandler was splendidly stupid and not another victim of the Murphy-Carey-Ferrell curse that numbs the comic sensibilities and forces the afflicted into bland family films and maudlin dramas.
“Shampoo is better”
The great debate wages on between shampoo and conditioner.
“Big day tomorrow. A day filled with daiquiris and Nintendos and jack-off magazines…”
Brian Madison (McGavin) shows his son how much he respects his slacker lifestyle. I don’t know what the sarcasm is about, sounds like Billy’s got a full day ahead of him.
“Sorry doesn’t put triscuit crackers in my stomach.”
A hungry Eric Gordon (Whitford) waits for Billy, who is otherwise engaged in his bathtub with the shampoo/conditioner conundrum on his hands. Carl, another associate of Brian Madison’s semi-gloats about his crackery snack from earlier, something that ticks Eric off.
“We eliminate Billy Madison!”
Eric assesses the threat and that threat is Billy Madison and also, eventually, his own receding hairline.
“Suntan lotion is good for me”
Billy teaches us all a valuable lesson about keeping our skin safe during the summer and he does it with baby talk and sing songiness. Shockingly Oscar glory evaded this film.
“All the people at the zoo are very nice, penguin”
Did I mention that Billy has an invisible pet penguin? Did you know the penguin has a now defunct MySpace page, just like the rest of us?
(Myspace page link: http://www.myspace.com/effingpenguin )
“I hate cursive and I hate all of you!”
I feel the same way Billy, I feel the same way.
“Veronica Vaughn is one piece of ass”
Chris Farley stops by as an excitable school bus driver to tell Billy a story about him and Veronic… er, his buddy and… er. Well, he’s really fond of Billy’s teacher Veronica.
“If peeing your pants is cool…”
Billy’s young friend Ernie is embarrassed after he pees his pants on a school trip but Billy tries to turn the tables by pretending to pee his own pants and sell the class on it being “cool”, something the elderly matron at the farm their at doesn’t quite jive with.
In the end, naturally, Billy is triumphant and Eric (despite his numerous, slimy, and blackmaily efforts) doesn’t get the hotels or any delicious triscuit crackers. No, Carl gets both those things while Eric gets shot in the ass by Steve Buscemi after threatening Veronica with a gun after losing the climactic debate to Billy. Is there a moral there? Yes, never share your triscuits — ever.