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Weeds: Season Three
Quotes and Sound Clips
This Is Bullshit
I Thought You Were Dating Me
There Seems To Be An Outstanding Loan Here
I've Been Spending All My Cash On Coke And Man Whores
You Have To Change My Diaper So I Don't Get A Rash
Can You Tell Us Why You Ran Into A Burning House?
You Tell Me Which Way Is South
You're White. You're Smart, Pretty
Then, It's A Sign
You Got Insurance?
It's The Circle Of Life
Act of God, Baby. Fire's Part Of Nature
Jesus Does Not Make You Flame-Retardant
Jesus Will Protect Us!
Stick Your Finger Up My Ass, Can I Get A Porsche
She's A Very Complicated Woman
You Know, It's Funny. I Would Have Never Pegged Her
Okay, So, You Buy Her A House
The Power Of Passion Makes You Do Crazy Things
Jesus Freak Are Singing
We Are Never Going To Move To Pittsburgh
Okay, The Fire Just Took Out the Olive Garden
Isabelle, Are You Really A Lesbian?
She's Got A Great Ass, Your Mom
Fine. If We Regroup The Group, You'll Be In The Group
Microwaves. Think I Could Fit A Turkey In The Microwave?
I'm More Of A Bake And Broil Kind Of Girl
Heylia Makes These Deep-Fried Turkeys
Fire. Fire On The Mountain
Where There's Fire People Like To Smoke
Okay, Team, We're In A Giant Room With Unhappy People
Homeowner's Insurance Policy, Deed to the House, Birth Certificates
You Were Banging Around In There Like A Pinball
Your Cock-Charming Fuck Buddy
So Long As I Don't Have To Know Where You Growing It
I'm Opening Up A Club
Fuck It. I'm Going Legit
Oh, No. I'm Getting Too Old For This Shit
Here's My Phone Number. Call Me
But You're Welcome That I'm Risking My Life and Lungs
Well, I Live In A Shitty Apartment
They Say Arson Is A Sexual Crime
If You Ask Me A Cross That Size
If The Patriot Act Had Tits, I'd Buy It A Steak
Then Word's Gonna Spread That You're Being Protected By Me
They Ain't Gonna Come After You
Senorita, I Know Everybody Who Tries To Peddle Shit In Sunny LA
I Need Help. You Try Home Depot?
Chess Is Mad, And When He's Mad, He Does Stupid Things
I'm Also Not Going Up Against An Army Of Drug-Dealing Bikers
I'd Sooner Lose A Leg Than Suck Your Dick Again
I Guess I Must Have Some Sort Of A Castrating Bitch Fetish
I Really Want To Have Sex With You Right Now
I Need A Slimy, Crooked Accountant With No Scruples
Why Are White Babies Always So Ugly?
Why Are Little Black Babies Always So Adorable?
Someone Stole Your Cross?
You Know What, Why Don't You Find Yourself An Accountant
First Off, You Take Out 20% and You Hide It
I'm Your Landlord. No Incentive To Rent To You
Sorry, I Ain't Training Another White Girl
I Need To Know What You Do With All Of Your Drug Money
If You Ever Want to See Your Cross Again
Bite Your Motherfucking Tongue
Take Him To A Shrink
Weird Things Happen When These Santa Ana Winds Start Blowing
And After Hearing What Judah's Been Saying To Him
I Have No Muscle. I Have No Army
Did You Catch The Sixth Sense On Cable?
Yeah, It Took Me Forever To Find That Tiny Little Bullet
And I'm Out Of Demerol. He Looks Like A Tough Young Man
Ma'am, If You'd Like A Second Opinion
Okay. Either of You Armed?
How Can We Call Ourselves A First-World Country?
That Motherfucker Caused Us Nothing But Pain
If You Want To Get Lucky Tonight
I Never Slept With U-Turn
What, You Think You're the First Black Man I've Been With?
Please Tell Me You Have A Thing For Traffic Signs
Girl's Got Balls. Who Wants A Chick WIth Fucking Balls
You Weigh the Pros and the Cons, and I'll Be in Touch
Oh, No. Don't Take It Personally. Your Customers Sound Gay
Love Means You're Constantly Apologizing
Thug means never having to say you're sorry
Do I Look Like I Am Ready To Be A Father?
You Got To Hook Me Up With Some Better Weed
Planning A Big Night On The Town, Are We?
Now I Got To Take A Whiz
Well, It's Ditch Weed Drag
Okay. This Weed Sucks
I Don't See Nothing That Has To Stand Up To Pee In Your Life Neither
Two Of The Scariest Bitches On The Planet
No, I'm Not Good With Animals. Men And Animals
I Think I'm Doomed To Be Alone
You Got A Boyfriend, Heylia?
Vodka And Cigarettes, Only Thing That Works For Me
What? I'm Part Viking. I Miss My Ice Floe
These Hands Went To College. They Are Not Farm Hands
Conrad Said You Wanted To Get Dirty
See You Soon, Pot Mommy
But You Bring Me Back That 5 Grand Real Soon
All Right, Tell You What, 10% Discount
Make Them Forget That Their Husbands Won't Fuck 'Em
Risk Is All About Kamchatka
What Can I Do For You, Pot Mommy?
I'm Happy Here In My Shitty, Prefab Jesus Town
I Really Need To Smoke Out
Okay, Gangster Barbie, I Will Figure Something Out
Everyone Gets to Have Fun Except Me
I Want To Be Part Of The Team, One Of The Cool Kids
You Know, I Hope For Nancy's Sake That You Used A Condom
I Can Smell This House From Two Fucking Blocks Away
They Gonna Treat Us Like Maya Angelou And Condoleezza Rice
There's Only One Thing More Powerful Than White Fear
She Think We Gonna Jump Her
I Swear I Think the Sky Is Bluer Over Here
I Believe It's A Miracle
This Is A Culture Where You Can Order Coffee 80 Milion Ways
You Met a Biker Girl?
And Where Were You Last Night, Young Lady?
Heylia Gets Carsick, Vaneeta's Got Road Rage
This Here's Like A Halfway House For Traumatized Plants
I'm Cool, Unarmed, Pro-Gun Control
Hey, Ripper Please Don't Eat My Remaining Toes
Everyone's Taxes Are Going To Smell Like Bong Water Now
You're Fucking With The Wrong Man
You're Fucking With The Wrong Man. I Promise I'll Be Gentle
You're Cute When You're Mad
That's A Big Fucking Cross
What Kind Of Man Tears A Cross Off The Roof Of A Church?
Hey, You The Crazy Bitch Drowned Our Weed
I Think I Seen Her On TV
Thank You! Ain't That A Nice Little Girl
I Like A Little Dirt In My Sandwich, Too
I Have No Money
A Lot Of These Guys Got Fucked Up In Iraq
See That Biker Chick Over There?
I'll Babysit Your Kids. Send You To Europe After College
Don't Look At Me I Just Work Here
You In Charge, Big Man.
He Bringing The Fire Marshal Up In Here First Thing Tomorrow
It's Time For Doug To Rise From The Ashes
What Grown Man Has Blond Hair?
He Promised Me Golf, He Promised Me Power
You Are A Fucking Sociopath
In My Line Of Work I Realize That I'm Susceptible To Blackmail
And You Will Start Paying For The Many, Many Sins Against Me
Playing By The Rules Has Gotten Me Nowhere But Fucked
You Mean Slut. Cunt, Whore, Bitch
I've Never Been Able To Come Vaginally
Cankle Bitch! You Too, Man Cankles! Mankles
Douglas, We Need To Have A Word
And She Told Me To Tell You She Knows You Fucked Her Boyfriend
I Thought I Needed A Friend
You Didn't Trust Me, And You Really Should Have
Up Until This Point, I Have Avoided Your Nuts
I Don't Vomit From Drinking
Oh, No. All The Poor Drink
Hey, Family. Did You Know That We're Poor?
You Can Buy Plenty Of Blondes With Big, Fake Tits for 20
Fuck Me! Tempting But I Like Blondes
You're Not Surveying The Water Lines
Now You All Alone In A Strange Place
Who On Earth Would Buy These Tacky Things?
Richest Country In The World
Thank You For Guiding Me To The Fucking Post-Apocalypse
Lookin mighty homosexual today
Destroying Things, Blowing Stuff Up
Blowing Shit Up Is Not Just For Terrorists
Jordan Klein's Home From College For Summer Break
You, Too! Man Cankles!
Your Long Skirt Isn't Long Enough, Lady
Don't You Bang That Gavel At Me
Volunteering Is For Saps
Look, If We Can't Get Satisfaction Here
Any City Council With Half A Brain
You Were Elected By A City That No Longer Exists
You Can't Just Toss Us Aside Like We're Regular People
Little Faith. That's Exactly What I've Got For You
I Have To Go. I'll See You Tomorrow
So I'm Just Something for You To Rub Up Against?
He Meets My Cultural Needs
It Makes A Girl Feel Like She Can't Get Any Attention
I'm Starting To Think You Just Like Me For My Mother
Buils Another Just-Add-Water Insta-Town
How Could You Leave All This?
Shouldn't You Just Sweep Everything Off And Ravage Me
You Would Have Been A Killer In Business
Your Skin's Like Milk And You're Almost As Smart As I Am
Fuck Your Ball. She Took Our Hundred Grand
I Work A Middle-Class Job In The Bush Economy
Jail Comes Before Hell
I Taught Stephanie Cooper How To Give Head
I'm Gonna Have All Kinds Of Cock Shoved Up My Ass
Big Pharma Fucks Us Coming And Going, Nance And I'm Going To Prison!
If I Go To Jail, Will You Come With Me?
So I Took Another $50,000 for My Divorce Lawyer
There is no sushi in prison. Unless you count dick
I Need $100,000. Majestic Is Checking The Books Tomorrow
I'm Used To Getting Fucked
You Think That's Funny, Dickbag?
Force Me To Play With Peter's Asshole Son
Yo, It Just Slipped Your Mind That There's Thousands of Dollars
These Seeds Were Your Responsibility. You fucked 'em Up
You're Enjoying This, Aren't You? Seeing Me Miserable
Celia, If I Get A Rash, It Could Get Infected
I Have No Memory Of Giving Birth To You
And You're Gonna Have To Change His Diaper
Nancy, Don't Anthropomorphize God
Watch Your Back. Sullivan's On The Warpath
Weed-Mart, Potco, Homegrown Depot
Buy More Drugs, Sell More Drugs
I Might Be A Drug Dealer, But I'm No Embezzler
The Youth Pastor Is A Wake-and-Baker
That Mother Fucker. I'm Gonna Have Him Killed
So I Say to You, My Fellow Majesticans
It's Not Pollution That's Causing Problems In Our Environment
You Know, It's Funny, But If We Don't Succeed In Life
I'm Sorry, Nance. Are You Fucking Insane?
I'm Getting Cake And Three Forks
You Are Definitely Not A Ma'am. No, Ma'am
We're Not Drunk, Andy. We're Lubricated
I Have Ice-Cream Cake
Tim's Kind Of A Dickhead
I'm Failing My Children
I Miss the Simplicity Of Toddlerhood
Fucking Rolling Blackouts
The Mortgage Is Held by A Dummy Corporation
Are You Out Of Your Fucking Mind?
I've Taken The Liberty Of Drawing Up This Power Of Attorney
Okay, Tell Me She Gave You A Sponge Bath
You Want Your Boy To Be My Bitch?
Make My Boy Your Bitch
After Business Is Up And Running, I'll Buy You A Rolex
$10 An Hour. Don't Be Cheap With Me
So How Much Are You Paying Me To Baby-Sit?
Silas, Your Only Lines Are, Thank You For This Opprtunity
Your Mother's Smooth As Butter
He Needs A Positive Male Influence In His Life
This Little Fucker Steals Our Shit
Sullivan Groff And This Whole Fucking Place Can Kiss My Black Ass
Animal Urine Disinfected Many Of His Wounds
He's Lucky To Be Alive
Please Don't Use Foul Language, Isabelle
Why Are You Such A Cunt?
Drop The Steel Magnolia's Bit
Then We Can Eat And Fuck All Day
This Is Also, Like, A Way To Keep You Occupied
You Married A DEA Agent
She's A Fundamentalist That Likes To Smoke A Lot Of Pot
She's Gonna Make A Lot Of Money For Us
In Your 17 Years On Earth
Eat Some Cake Or Watch Youtube Or Something
God Protects The Stupid
In Maui. A Week In Wailea With You When This Is All Over
Crazy Stalker Person
You Realize You're Doing Something Illegal?
I Promise I'm Gonna Be Your Number-One Sales Person
I Wanted To Apologize For Acting Like An Asshole
The Good Christian People Of Majestic Like To Get Baked
The Lord Wants Me To Sell Pot, Mrs. Botwin
They Say When Christ Was Anointed With Oil By John the Baptist
Hi, Silas! I'm Gay
And gay bars and dance clubs, 'cause I'm a faggot
Jesus, I Do Sound Nuts
You're A Crazy, Stalker, Narcissist Whack Job
How Do You Think He's Doing?
You're An Insane Stalker Person
Keep Your Body Still. Move Your Lips
Some Crazy Bitch Drowned All The Shit In Her Swimming Pool
You're Being Hyperbolic
Looks like a jackrabbit and a big rat fucked
There Is A Cotton Barrier Between My Eggs And Yours
I Nominate Doug Wilson To City Council
You're Fucking Un-American
If You're Gonna Poop, Make Sure You Can Flush
I Don't Do Porn So Much Anymore. I Found It Very Tiring