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Quotes and Sound Clips
Okay, Team, We're In A Giant Room With Unhappy People
They Say Arson Is A Sexual Crime
Chess Is Mad, And When He's Mad, He Does Stupid Things
Weird Things Happen When These Santa Ana Winds Start Blowing
And After Hearing What Judah's Been Saying To Him
Did You Catch The Sixth Sense On Cable?
Risk Is All About Kamchatka
I Believe It's A Miracle
This Is A Culture Where You Can Order Coffee 80 Milion Ways
You Met a Biker Girl?
And Where Were You Last Night, Young Lady?
I'm Cool, Unarmed, Pro-Gun Control
Hey, Ripper Please Don't Eat My Remaining Toes
I Like A Little Dirt In My Sandwich, Too
A Lot Of These Guys Got Fucked Up In Iraq
See That Biker Chick Over There?
Lookin mighty homosexual today
Destroying Things, Blowing Stuff Up
Jordan Klein's Home From College For Summer Break
Jail Comes Before Hell
I Taught Stephanie Cooper How To Give Head
I'm Sorry, Nance. Are You Fucking Insane?
You Are Definitely Not A Ma'am. No, Ma'am
We're Not Drunk, Andy. We're Lubricated
There Is A Cotton Barrier Between My Eggs And Yours
You Need To Do Some Soul-Searching, My Friend
You Took Something Beautiful, Like Jessica's Vagina
Lex Here Is Not An Unbelievably Enormous Dick
I Always Stood Up For Pornography
I Finish With The Backyard Mrs. Dowling
Footfuckers. Scene One!
I've Always Wanted To Be In Porn
Why's The Black Guy Wearing A Pirate's Hat?
One Stray Pube In The Tabbouleh
All I Need Now Is For The Boys To Eat Heroin Eggs For Breakfast
You kids today and your reading
Your Mother's A Drug Dealer
I Have Stuffed Mushrooms
Maybe I Have Plans Tomorrow
I've Heard Tar Is Worth Between $40,000 And $80,000 A Key
Bringing The Hammer Down, Turning Out The Bitch!
Oh, Please Tell Me There's Not A Body In There
Good Morning. You Want Huevos Rancheros?
You See That Window Washer Outside
Your Machine Killed Rodriguez
This Is My Lawyer, Dean Hodes
A Reconnaissance Drone Killed My Battle Buddy
That's How They Track You
I Gotta Forward This To My Fraternity Brothers
And They Fucking Killed Him. For Trying To Light Farts
He's Not Your Fucking Friend. He's Your Goddamn Master
What's With All the Recurring Homophobic Images?
We're The Goddamn USA. We're The Best
Actually, You're Gonna Die
Well I got four dicks
Yeah, I Have Eight Toes
Fingers Crossed For A Female Judge. Cry If You Can
This Is Bullshit. Welcome To The Army
That's Enough To Activate Your Uncle Here Into Service
The Issue Of Warm-Weather Footwear
If You Stake Me The 10-Grand Buy-In
How Long Have I Been Asleep?
So You Like Little Boys, Huh?
You Are Bat-Shit Nuts Kat
I Haven't Forgotten How You Stabbed Me
I Stole 1.3 Million Dollars Worth Of Poker Chips
But She Keeps Me On My Toes, All Eight Of Them
She stabbed me with an icicle
It's All Fucked Up But It's Never Boring
She Makes Me Crazy And She Makes Me Crazy
I'll Have Her Put Down
I'm Helping My Sister-in-Law. I'm Getting My Shit Together
Abumchuk Was Very Upset With You
Permafuck, A Journal Of Spirit Rape
He Always Did Have A Thing for Pinatas
He Did Everything Right, A Mother's Dream
Hamidrash L'Torah, And That Happens To Be Tax-Deductible
I'd Like To Double-Check Those Numbers
Go, Drugs! Rah! Rah! Rah!
They Think He's Cool Ever Since He Took Up Your Cause
What Does Kicking Ass Entail?
Who Kicks Ass? I Totally Kick Ass
I Say Forget Her. We Start Our Own Business
I Understand Business. I Am An Entrepreneur
Unless You Have No Job, No Girlfriend, Eight Toes
Sucks When the Pie Gets Eaten Right In Front Of You
I Think God Has A Different Plan For Me
Oh, I Don't Believe In Painkillers
If You'd Brought In The Toes, Been Able To Reattach Them
I Thought You Had Ruach. I'm Filled With It!
Letting Me Pitch Instead Of Catch This Time
That Bitch Ate My Toes
Somebody Stick Their Finger Up His Ass!
I Have To Fuck You
I'd Get Passed Around Prison Like A Loose Joint
The Armenians Cut the Electrical Cables
You Know, You Turn Out the Lights, You Crawl Into Bed
Shane's Going Through Changes. He's Experimenting
At Hamidrash Latorah
A Morally Bankrupt Degenerate
What Kind of Man Would Take a Prepubescent Boy to a Massage Parlor?
Slamming Me Up Against A Wall And Fucking Me Until I Come
Things With Wifey Slowing Down
Are You A Chubby Chaser Or Something?
You Don't Bring A Little Boy In Here
Do You Have Any Student Discounts?
I Got a Date in a Few Hours
Eighty Dollars And A Generous Tip Says She Will
Win the Pulitzer Prize You Know How Much Pussy You're Going To Get?
Oh. Cash Over Ass, Huh? Cash Equals Ass
You Can Have A Lovely Time Tugging The Tiger
Talk to Shane About Jerking Off
Tissues, perfectly acceptable backstop for all that Creamy Italian
I'm Not Going To Beat Around The Bush
Practice Makes Perfect. So Work On Your Control Now
It Reduces Stress. It Enhaces Immune Function
Polishing The Raised Scepter Of Love
In Bed, a Soft T-Shirt, Perhaps A Downy Towel
Tug Your Thomas on the Toilet, Shoot Right Into the Bowl
In My Opinion, the Best Lube Is Lube
Warm Up the Peel in the Microwave
Step One, Peel the Banana
More lubricated flak catchers, specifically bananas
Stick to your dick head like a fucking Band-Aid
That eliminates the need for a goo glove
What Do I Do WIth All That Pearl Jam
Jerk The Gherkin End Up With Sticky White Stuff
What's the Story Behind Yael?
My Brother Judah Dropped Dead
Anyway, You Married, Dating, Living in Sin?
Uh, I'm Doing an Article for the School Paper
I'm Glad That Our Last Name Isn't Drew
I graduated magna cum loudly
I saw up the admission director's skirt today
Well, I Have Many Layers. I'm Like lasagna
Why Are You Writing It in the Girls' Bathroom?
Kids Are Supposed to Get Beat Up on the Way to Hebrew School
I Liked the Part Where the Hebrew School Bully
I'm Going to Iraq. I'm Gonna Die
Megan! I Don't Think She Heard You
It's the Promised Land of Pot
Being A Jew Means I Have No Foreskin
If I Write Well, I'll Be Accepted Into Rabbinical School
Writing About What Being a Jew Means to Me
I'm Begging You. This Is the End of the Road for Me
Have To Look For Another Rabbinical School
Israeli Snap! Resiliency Is Another Excellent Rabbinic Trait
That's A Wonderful Quality In A Rabbi
I Know All The Baruch Atahs Already
And as Far as the Hebrew Goes, I'm a Really Quick Study
My Whole Life's Been Leading Up to This
If I Married a Non-Jew I Couldn't Go To Rabbinical School
How Can You Be So Blindly Pro-Bush?
I'll Put One Of Those Yellow Stickers On My Car
More Important Than The Corporate Takeover Of Our Democracy
They Had Weapons of Mass Destruction
Bush Invaded A Sovereign Nation In Defiance Of The UN
We're Fighting A War In Iraq
I Am Not Going to Iraq To Fight In Some War About Oil Money
Start A Youth Program For Troubled Teenage Girls
I Mean, I'm Off the Grid
I Signed Up For The Army Reserves
They Wanna Send Me to Iraq, Lupita
I Love You, Man
Do You Think There's Rat Spit in Here?
The Stress Queen's Secret Stash
What About Mrs. Fields? Big Whore
Ignore the Voice of Reason
Can She Ejaculate?
Trust Me. Those Antidepressants Are Evil
When My Ferret Killed Himself a Few Years Ago
Weed Makes You Hungry and Happy
Rats don't need light, they got radar
What the Fuck!
You Wanna Smoke Up?
Eight-Year-Olds In A Sweatshop Can't Spell
I Made Two Wrong, Just Like You Said
This Is So Not Okay
Is This What You Wanna Be? A Couple Of Fucking Teenage Burnouts?
They Should Pass Out Loose Joints
Now, if You Ever Wanna Get Laid, You Gotta Learn to Cook
I Suck at Science But I'm Good at Life
I Can Stick Six Quarters Up My Nose
We Loved to Get High And Have Spiritually Passionate Sex
Take That, Ya Kraut Bastards!
Hey Buddy, Do You Have a Problem?
This Is My Moment. I Was Born to Cook Drugs
Enrolling in dental hygiene school so my children aren't orphans
Less Than an Ounce on You There's No Jail For That
I Mean You're a Cop in Bike Shorts. It's Adorable
I Mean You're A Cop In Bike Shorts
Do You Ride 'Em in on Your Handlebars
You Must Be in Killer Shape
Nice Bike, Did Your Horse Die?
I Was Born to Cook Drugs
Now I Pledge Never To Die
What Do You Call The Thing Between The Dick And The Asshole?
A big plate of spaghetti marijuana
That's Like The First Commandment
When You Outsource to Fucking Malaysia
You Should Learn Braille
One Thing I Learned About the Christ Crowd
I Once When Out With This Girl With a Baby Arm
Years To Learn Slightly Defective Chicks Are The Way To Go
She Doesn't Look Deaf
Hey, Buddy, What You Doin'?
I Guess I Could Sleep With Lupita
little man drugs
I'm Having Jerk-off Flashbacks
In A Mom-Loving Way
You want a partner?
We're All A Bunch Of Babies
Sometimes I Wish She'd Get Arrested Already
Are You Going to Jail?
I Can See Your Boobies
I'm Not In Love With Nancy
I'm A Code Breaker
I Don't Love Nancy, Okay?
Shit's Blowing Up
You Didn't Have to Have Her Deported
I Feel Like Shit
I Was a Fear Fuck
Maria and I Had Sex
Have This Recurring One Where I'm Playing Pool With Lou Dobbs
I Want a Girlfriend
I Lie To Myself All the Time
Tell Him To Fuck Off
She Didnt't Get Fat Did She?
I'm a Sad and Lonely sidekick
Takes A Village To Smuggle A Human
The Way of El Andy
My Last Meal Was a Bowl of Chili Peanuts
Try Not To Call Her A Thunder-Cunt
Don't Tease Me, You Crusty Whore
Why Couldn't He Have Had A Gun?
This Is Way Outside My Kink Zone
Cornerstone of Democracy
Where the Scenery is a Little Less Rape-y
It's Either Global Warming Or God Is Dead
They're Like Jews and Wedding Hors D'oeuvres
Then Work With What You Have Or Fucking Move!
Old Gynecological Instruments
Snooze You loose
I Could Never Forget An Ass Like That
I Don't Really Like Mexicans
Asian With Big Fake Tits
Like the JetBlue of Coyotes
Wow, Her Friend's Got Madonna Arms
Not On A White Women
Look at Yoga-Ass
Vintage Murdered-Dog Collars
Those Are All The Cool Jews
You're a Dark Little Fellow, Aren't You?
Oh My God I Shot You in the Knee
Who's the Fall Guy Now, Coyote Ugly?
They Had Them on a Commune
You Kiss Well
What Am I Gonna Eat?
We Gotta Move to Mexico
I'm Starting To Freak Out Again
Calm The Fuck Down Or I'll Shoot You
What If It's a Fucking Alien?
You're Fucked On Silas' Weed.
Puposeless, Directionless, Homeless
I Can't Feel My Left Anything.
Psychic My Mother
I Want You To Enter Her Into The Dirt Derby
I'll Give You a Beer if You Go Away
Like An Incredibly Humane, Merciful, Dignified, Yes
Life Is Just Blah Blah Blah
The Bubbie That Doesn't Blink
It's Like Bunking With Darth Vader
Leave Her Alone. She's a Bag of Broccoli.
Something About Target
Doug Says Everyone Fingered Celia
Psychotic Gangster, Burned-Down Agrestic Guillermo?
What Sort of Potentially Illegal Activity Are You Engaging In
Like A Rape Kit?
I've Taken A Shit On Mushrooms
It's Like Taking A Shit On Mushrooms
I Saw My Grandmother's Vagina
A Plan in the Planning Stages If You Will
He Once Showed Me Naked Pictures of You, You Know?
My Children Are Sleeping Next To Their Unborn Cousins
Rinse Off The Nazi Plate
The Ghost Of Hanukkah Future
I'm Just Not Sure You're Mine
That'll Totally Reverse the Effects of 90-Plus Years of Life
I'm Also Gonna Take All Your $5 Bills
You're An Asshole
Dad Once Told Me Bubbie Killed the Neighbor's Dog
In a Great Tough-Cookie Way
Oh She's Great Actually and a Bitch
You Got Face Like A Goy
We're On the Run Aren't We
You Smell Like Gas
I Think That's Offensive To Texans
Best Bathroom Graffiti Ever
I'm Fucking Steel
I've Known Ms. Pac-Man Longer
You Do Fuck All To Change Whats Going On
You're Terrified of Being Ordinary
Family Of My Own
It's Always About Sex With You
I'm Gonna Ask Audra to Marry Me
It Felt Like There Were Eight Of You
If You Don't Climax the Terrorists Win
Maybe Call a Girl Who Calls Me On My Shit
Is This An Occupational Hazard
I'm Her Baby Daddy
He's A Jazz Muppet
I Wanna Go Float in Lake Esteban
I'm Just Gonna Take Two For My Headache. Maybe Three
What The Fuck Am I Going To Do With A Dollar?
I Suckled You
You're Jerking Off?
Shut Up And Suck
Put Me On The Potty Stat
The Human Body Is a Complex and Mysterious Experiment
So Fucking Male Yeast Infection
We'll Take Violet Over Vag
I Got a Cat Hair Lodged in My Urethra One Time
I just had a Q-Tip in My Dick Hole
I'm Never Having Sex Again
Good Old Fashioned STD Scare
Chlamydia is Never nothing
You Think I've Never Had My Nipples Clamped
He Probably Pooped
Night Farts Happen
My Son Is Not Jewish
Andy Jr., that's what I call my penis
You're a Frozen Margarita
I'd Rather Laugh With the Sinners
You Can Be Too Careful
You're a Father
You In My House
You Can't Testify
Isn't that the whole point of life? Children? Propagation?
I'm not Rapey Enough
Just sort of throw you down on a table and fuck you
Where the Sidewalk Ends
I'm kind, funny, a total rock star in bed
You Do Have a Cute Butt
Were You Really Gonna Jerk Me Off?
I Don't Want Your Pregnant Pity Hand Job
I Told You
Die Inky, Die Blinky
Break his heart in ink
I need to be sandblasted, I need a hug
When Flesh Hits Acid
Love Dipping Things Into Other Things
This baby has a one in five chance of bein autistic
She Had Asperger's
I'm a Botwin
What You Doing With All the Smokable Product?
Is It Okay to Impersonate Your Dead Brother
Just In Time to Spot Me
What Does He Have That I Don't Have?
Even Donkeys are Scared
I mixed Benadryl and Tegretol one time
You Stuck Your Penis Inside My Mother
I was trying not to pee in my pants
This is Shabbas dinner
Bored with all the other kids her age
A Mexican Gyno? Down there you want a Jew
This Place Gives Me the Creeps
Children of the Corn
She was engaged to a Choi and fell for a Sun Hoo
She Witnessed a Korean Gang War
A Little Alert
My Beautiful Loaf
Keeping her Mexican boyfriend from murdering us all
Jill Price-Gray with a hyphen, bitchface
Slutty Slut who had unprotected sex with a Mexican gangster
People Have Babies
Are You On Drugs?
What Are the Marks on Your Neck?
This Cookie Is Amazing