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Quotes and Sound Clips
I Remember My Dream Now
They Got Nothing to Be Scared Of
You Keep Your Boy Close
There Ain't Nothing Gonna Stop Him From Getting Back Here
That Man, He Is Tough as Nails
He Helps People
Your Dad's a Police Officer, Son
I Had a Reason
Sun Just Cooked My Head Is All
You're Not Scared Now, Are You?
The Only Reason I Got Away Was
That's the Biggest Lie There Is
I'm Out Here by Myself
I'm Not Hurting Anyone
Why Don't You Hold Up
They're Running Out of Food in the City
Part of Me's Under the Delusion That I Might Get a Chance to Run Out That Tunnel
What Do You Get Out of Getting Your Head Kicked Every Day?
Your John Wayne Bullshit Out There Is Making Us All Look Bad
How Did You Lose Your Wife?
How Many People Have You Killed?
You Could Be Dangerous
No One's Been Bit
I'm Clear Now
God, This Ride Is Killing Me
That, Uh... That Sound You Hear
I Guess Some People Really Don't Change
I Threw a Coin in the Fountain Today
I May Be Uncomfortable, but I Am Fireproof
That Fab-U-Foam Really Does Fill Every Nook And Crevice
Or Am I An Angel Sent From Heaven? Insulation Heaven
With The Fat Cats Getting Rich In Washington!
I'm Here To Tell You About Fab-U-Foam Insulation
I Always Thought I'd Be The First One to Get Divorced
We're Not Really That Close. You're His Wife!
I Was Kind Of Drunk, Then He Won He That Teddy Bear
I Brought You a Little Wedding Gift
You Know What? After That Sleeping With Your Best Friend Thing
Well, I've Never Been So Moved and Creeped Out at the Same Time
What the Hell Is Wrong With You?
Had Her Up Pretty Late Last Night. We Were kind Of Busy
Where's My Sister? You Mean My Wife?
Roxanne's Turned Her Life Around, Remember?
Bloodsucking Leech And Dimwitted Patsy
That's a Picture That's Gonna Haunt Me for the Rest of My Life
Call Him. Can It Wait Until 9:00 When My Minutes Are Free?
I Paid For This. I Get To Stare
Save The Bottles, Pour Water In Them, Put The Caps Back On
Do I Have a Fat Head?
What Kind of Guy Is That, Jim? Nice, Sweet, Simple
If She's Done It To Me Can You Imagine What She Would Do To You?
She Will Chew You Up and Spit You Out
Oh, Jim, I Know What You're Gonna Say and Don't Worry
I Got Lost in the Eyes of Siegfried and Roy's White Tigers
What Did You Do? Rob A Bank?
Oh, Boy, $2,500 Burning a Hole in My Pocket
You Know What? I Don't Even Care About Naked Women Right Now
It's Traditional for Lovers to Kiss Under The Bridge of Sighs
Isn't This Romantic? Now We Never Have To Go To Europe
There's A Smoke Detector In That Cloud
A Person Can Drown In An Inch Of Water You Know
Well, Forget It, She's Not Getting a Dime
Gets Me To Trust Her, Then She Hits Me For The Big Chunk
Little Jimmy Drops Trou And Plants His Butt Cheeks Right In The Middle Of It
You've Never Paid Me Back for Anything
I Don't Want to Get Sucked Up Into That Screwed Up World Of Hers Again
Then The Guy Running The Tilt-A-Wheel Takes Off His Shirt
You've Seen How She Uses People
I've Forgotten About The $4,567.19
It's Not Natural to Be Cut Off From Your Own Family
Family Vacation? I Knew You Had an Exterior Motive
Stopping raffic With A Rack That Just Won't Quit
Daddy's Forehead Finally Came In. So Did Mama's Mustache
Fifty Shrimp For A Buck?
That's Right, Honey, You're the Jackpot That Just Keeps Paying Off
You're Not Any Luck. Must've Used It All Up When You Met Me
I Gotta Go to the Bathroom. I've Been Standing Here For 2 Hours
Yeah, Maverick Here Is Up 22 Bucks
Blackjack! I Can't Lose. Thank You, Rabbit's Foot
They Are So Good. I Swear There's Nicotine in Them
All Right, Pack Your Bags and Shave Your Legs
Family Vacation In Vegas
I'm Taking The Kids To Hawaii. First Class, On A Yacht And Presidential Suite
We Haven't Been on a Vacation Since... I Don't Know When
The Company Would Pay For Your Whole Trip Pkus $50 Per Day
I Made $400 At Baccarat. I Don't Even Know What That Is
She's Like A Human Rabbit's Foot
I Have Got Some Great News That's Gonna Knock Your Socks Off
You Told Me You Didn't Have a Middle Name
Mabel. You Told Me You Didn't Have A Middle Name
While I Was Running That Background Check on Frank I Also Ran One On You
How's The Healing Process Going? Frank Died Last Night
You Want Me To Kill Her? No I Want You To Tell Her
Oh, Thank God You're Here. That Is Not Meatloaf
What Is This? Meatloaf. Sweet
She's Got To Feel Heartbroken And Stupid?
Oh, No, He's Been Scamming Widows for Years
Cheryl, Frank Was a Con Man
When You Have an Inkling About Something, You're Usually Right
You Took Him to a Strip Club and You Bought Him a Lap Dance
Frank's Dead? You Killed Frank!
Had a Few Drinks, A Lap Dance And Then He Died
We Took Frank to the Oval Office. He Must Have Died
I Was Dancing for Your Friend and He Had a Heart Attack
There's Something About Naked Women And Soup
I'm Buying You a Dance, My Friend
I'll Get The Next Round. Don't Be Silly, This Is Your Bachelor Party
A Bachelor Party? I'm Not Really A Boobs And Liquor Kind Of Guy
Can't We Start Over? Do-Over! A Do-Over!
If I Were Gonna Take Advantage of a Vulnerable Widow, That's How I Would Do It
Are You Wearing a Bra?
Remember This Number, "B-9-4-8-7-3-6-1-9."
Three Showhorns, Two Feet. Something Doesn't Add Up
We Wanna Run a Background Check on Frank
Can I See Your Driver's License?
I Like Looking at Licenses. My Father Was A Laminator
That Is an Invasion of Privacy. Look Who's Got A Crush On Harry Potter
I Am Totally Outraged! This Is An Invasion Of Privacy
What Do You Know About Background Checks?
She Thinks Her Dad's A Hero
You Know, I Just Don't Like That Frank
Is That Ruby's Diary? You Shouldn't Read That
Welcome to the Family. Here Change Your Grandson
Andy's Kind of an Idiot. Maggie's Already Told You, Right?
Did A Gay Delivery Truck Hit A Pot Hole Out Front?
Love That Gag. All You Need Is A Phone And A Sucker
You Don't Have To Walk Anymore. Don't You Know an Empty Gesture?
Don't You Know An Empty Jesture When You Hear One?
The Girls Really Want To Make Their Jelly Bean Omelet For You
He Stood Up Against Her Jerk Ex-Husband
Wow, She Walked the Whole 40 Miles
It's Not Like Your High Morals Are Bringing Any Money Into The House
How About The One By Daughter Calls Mommy Wearing My Husbands Pedometer
Can I Get A Lollipop? Alright But It's Coming Out Of Your Dollar
Hey, Sweetheart, Keep Those Legs Moving
A Hundred Bucks. Plus I'll Throw In 10,000 Extra Steps
You Think I'm in the Business of Renting My Kids Out?
Dana, You Cannot Have Ruby on Mother's Day
Government Housing? I Was In Prison!
At Least I Said You Never Hit Me Sober
So This Is the Famous Ex? I Thought He Was Still In Prison
Twenty-Five Dollars for a Tumbling Class and I Can't Get the Good Bologna?
She Has Tumbling Class. Since When? Only The Last Two Years
Dance, Monkey, Dance
You Want Me to Do Your Walking for You?
You Have Deliberately Deceived Someone For Selfish Reasons?
Mmm-Hmm. Mmm-Hmm. Spill, Baby
If You're Making A Buck, I Want My Cut
Your Yoga Classes Are Women-Only. How's The Herd Lookin' Today?
You Have To Have Eye Contact Before You Throw Stuff At People
You're Lying. No He's Not
How Many Was That? None. You Gotta Be Wearing It
Wow. We've Been Walking for an Hour. You've Got 4,322 Steps
My High School Football Coach Used to Say, No Pain, No Gain
Who Is Stupid Enough to Sell That Much Dynamite to a Coyote?
Just For The Record You Are Not My Mother
How Far Is 10,000 Steps? Five Miles!
I Am In Great Shape.
Cheryl, I Am in the Construction Industry. I Am In Great Shape
What About the Lingerie I Got You? From The Gas Station?
You Never See an Anvil in Real Life, Do You?
What's a Typewriter? An Old-Fashioned Computer
I'm Pretending I'm a Typewriter. What's A Typewriter
Don't Worry. She Doesn't Have a Passport
Gonna Miss The Chicago Marathon Again This Year
I'm Gonna Miss The Chicago Marathon Again
It's Just Been a Long Time Since I've Climbed a Tree
Why Don't You Count the Grass Between Here and the Rock?
Oh, Yeah. Birds Love Mexico. They've Got Peanut Butter Waterfalls
Went Bar-Hopping With You Know You Wouldn't Find A Woman
Wait a Minute. Wait a Minute!
If I Wanted That Bird Gone, It'd Be Deep-Fried By Now
But You Lied. Sometimes Parents Do That
Look at Her. With That Little Bird. She Looks Like A Bond Villian
Well, Would a Bad Guy Know How to Pick a Lock?
I've Been the Bad Guy the Last Four Times
I Think You Should Take the Fall for This One
Yeah, Well, Hindsight's Always 24/7
Can I Still Have My Pickles?
Wow. Jim, You Didn't Tell Me It Had a Beak
He's A Genius I Pay Eight Bucks An Hour To Clean Up
Everybody Knows You Can't Fix A Lie With The Truth
You Like Pickles? That Was My First Offer
You Gotta Take This Bird. I'll Make it Worth You While. You Like Pickles?
What a Sweet Angel! A Squawking, Terrifying Angel
We Don't Use That Word. Crap? Only Daddy Uses It
If You Love Something, Set It Free
Charlie Brown Would Make Fun Of That Head
The Bird Is Dead. You Want Me To Harvest The Organs?
Uncle Andy Killed Him With His Big Fat Head
Why Can't We Tell You to Go Play Outside?
Just Look Me Right in the Eye. You Got Blue Eyes!
I Deceived You So Many Times, I Guess I Was Due
Honey, You Got a New Dryer?
I'm Attaching A Video Of A Monkey Kissing A Goat
The Only Thing I Can Come Up With Is, When I Was 10
Cheryl's a Great Woman
You Think I'm Being Hipocritical? It's Spelled With A "Y"
Sometimes It's Better To Buy The Damn Dryer And Shut 'Em Up
So, in the Future, Keep Your Hands Off My..
Remember I Came Home One Time With That Ryne Sandberg Rookie Card That I Bought?
Do You Realize This Crap Can Be Worth a Lot of Money One Day?
This Is a Pretty Lousy Way of Making Whatever Point You're Trying To Make!
Mommy's Teaching Us Planets. That Will Come In Handy
Veluor Sweats. When You're Not Wearing Underwear, It's Delicious
It's Kind of Nice Having A Friend Who's A Real Guy's Guy
How Far Did You Go? Just To The Corner And Threw Up On An Anthill
How's It Hangin'? He Thinks You're A Guy
Man! This Charlie a Outbid Me Again!
I Can Just See Him Scratching His Belly Eating a Jelly Doughnut
Who the Hell Is Charlie A?
Daddy, How About a Gumball Machine?
When Ruby Lost A Few Teeth, Did We Throw Her Out And Get A New Kid?
That Wet T-Shirt Agrument Works Against You
How About a Magic Tiara?
I Think I Want Breakfast in Bed and Then Read The paper Til Dinner
No. You Heard Her. She Loved You
You Sold Me Out For Football Tickets?
Stop Talking. You'll Swallow Your Tongue
Cheryl Has a Disorder. See The Mood Swings Right There
Do You Mind If I Put My Pants Back On?
Let's Crack Open A Couple Beers. Let's Drink 'Em In The Hot Tub
The Devlins Make Your Ass Look Fat
Teach Me. Teach Me How to Be the Big Jerk That You Are
This Is Serious. We Got To Get Rid Of These People
You Be as Mean as You Have to Be. I Can't I'm Too Nice
Who's With Me? There Goes France And Germany
All Right. This Is It. I'm Drawing the Line
Everybody Park At Least Two Blocks Away
The Devlins Are Coming. Everyone In The Basement!
Tim Has No Issues With His Body. I Couldn't Eat My Popsicle
He Is Not Going To Sell You A Hot Tub He Wouldn't Relax In Himself
Oh, Baby. Look at Us. We're Living Like the Rockefellers
Who's Your Tree Buddy?
You're More Two-Faced Than I Am
Hey. What Are Tree Buddies For?
You Own a Hot Tub Store? Is This Thing On?
I'm a Tree Buddy Down There. You Tell People That?
Was There Anything You Needed? Because I Dare You To Go
I Got Some Nachos. Here's A Little Something For Your Troubes
Sounds Like There's Some Trouble In The Nice Club
What Are We Having For Lunch? Denial Salad?
You're Just Using Her to Take Ruby and Gracie Off Your Hands
What's With All the Flowers? Oh My God, It's Your Birthday
We Were Just Sitting Down to Have a Family Dinner
That Would Just Kill Me. We'll Definitely Have To Do It Then
Oh! Don't Get Up. I Wasn't Going To
Let's Eat! Great, I've Been Meaning To Test Out This New Belt
Pizza, Ribs, and Lasagna
You Want Some Chocolate in It?
Gracie, I Wouldn't Get You a Glass of Milk Right Now if You Paid Me
That's the Half of Me That You'll Never Tame
I Was Half-Wrong. There's Still Hope For Me
You Took This Wild Animal Out of the Jungle, Put Him in a Cage
Because You Trusted Me, I Had No Choice But To Live Up To It
If You See Bo Tell Him Hi From Harp Player Jim
You Mean Guilt. I Don't Know What The Medical Term Is
Are You Ready for Some Blues and Some Booze?
She Trusts Me. That's the Game, See?
What's Your Game, Blondie?
I Looked All Through the Club, Jim. Even The ladies Room?
I Don't Know. Apparently, a Beetle Crawled Into His Ear!
Andy, He Keeps Falling Down
What's the Emergency? I Have to get To The Hospital ASTP
All Right. Let's Go! No, This Is A Trap
Maybe She Doesn't Spend All Her Time Plotting. This House Is Pretty Clean
Come On. Come On. We're Talking About Cheryl Here
Yes, Andy. That's What I Said. And I Explained It
VIP Tickets. Backstage Passes For Bo Diddley
When the Kids Go to Sleep Tonight Can You Stay Here
If Nothing Blows Up, It Ain't a Movie
It's a Once-in-a-Lifetime Thing. Like That Beer Milkshake
I Can't Help It if I'm Your Whole Universe, Honey
An Opportunity To Hang Out With Some Famous Housewife
A Case Of Beer And Snow Tires Would Have Done The Trick
I Have a Special Treat for You. Are You Wearing It Under There?
Daddy's Home. Release the Doves
It's Like We're One Person
No Matter What It Says on a Bumper Sticker, Don't Ask About Grandkids
All Right. Your Fish Are Fed. Plants Are Watered
She's Up There Sharing a Cigarette With Russell Crowe Right Now
Oh, He Just Named Me. Harp Player Jim
I Peed in the Bushes
Technically, I Don't Have to Be Here, Because She's Out, Right?
If Only You Put In A Clause about Running Into Famous Blues Legends
Hey, He's Waiting for His Daughter Downstairs. You Wanna Meet Him?
What if Dr. Inglove Screws Up and Accidentally Leaves Something in My Mouth?
You Gotta Have a Root Canal?
Dentists can't hide in your shoes
Hey! How Was the Dentist? She Tried To Bite Him
I'm Gonna Be a Traffic Reporter. That's Cool
You Never Got to Have Your Capellini Pomodoro
Well, Thanks, Jim. Thanks a Lot. Finally A Thank You
How About The Capellini Pomodoro? It's Reasonable
Did You Just Undo Your Belt?
I'm Gonna Get In A Fight With The Waiter
Now Is Not a Good Time. She Just Got Fired. Have A Heart
Don't Talk To Her Like That Or She's Gonna Have Your Job Someday
Yes These Are The Same Pants I Wore Yesterday
Well, How About a Great Big Kiss and a Pudding Cup?
I Am Very proud Of You. Weekday Sex Proud?
First, I'm in the Light. Then I'm In The Shadow
I Told Him in a Very Calm, Adult Way That His Behavior Was Inappropriate
Well, Hello, My Beautiful Girls! Hi
Here's Why You're Not Eating That Intercom Right Now
Now, I Know She Can Be a Pain in the Ass
This Bagel Cart Guy Does He Have Sandwiches Too?
I Mean, You Can't Let People Talk to You Like That, Dana!
I'm The Tough-As-Nails, But Surprisingly Beautiful Executive
He Wants Us All to Wear Those Tuxedo T-Shirts
I Just Have a Strict Policy That I Don't Work With Family
I Want You To Keep An Open Mind. No, I Don't Do That Very Well
Andy, There's Only Four of Us. I Don't Care Who You Sit Me Next To
Andy, You Are Sucking Out All the Fun of Planning This Birthday for You
What're You Doing Setting My Sister Up With That Creep?
I Wouldn't Be Jealous, I'd Be Shattered
I Dated A Lot Of Women. I Mean A Lot Of Women
Don't Ever Hit on My Wife Again. See You Monday?
Hey, You Really Punched Me! Don't Ever Hit On My Wife Again
But I Also Treated Her Like a Thing
Well, You Came Onto My Wife
What? I Keep Saying Nice Stuff and You Keep Walking Away!
Want Me To Get You A Trophy. You're The Only Trophy I Need
No, Honey, You're Not a Car. You're a Person
Now It's My Turn, Baby. I'm In The Drivers Seat!
After Eight Years of Marriage, Eleven And A Half!
There Ain't No Taming That Filly, Huh?
Like This, I'm Hot! I'm Hot! I'm Flipping My Hair
Take That Thing Out of Your Hair and Shake Your Head And Smile
Sweats! Leaving Every Curve A Mystery
I Wonder What Kind Of Provocative Ensemble She Put On
Cheryl, Andy's Blood Sugar's Getting Low
Well, the Most Beautiful Thing I've Ever Seen Is My Wife
Why Don't You Get Yourself Something Sexy? This Is $20!
I'm Off to Make More Of What Fuels This Dream We Live
I Win! I Win, I Win. I Win, I Win, I Win!
Yes! I Finally Got Something Buckner Wants!
Don't Have to Do Anything Special. Just Vacuum and Dust. The Usual Drill
The Guy With a Job Doesn't Need to Sleep
How Much Lovin' Do You Need Woman?
Jumbo Shrimp. I Don't Want You Dressing Them Up This Time
I Am Getting Way Too Global. I Know The Feeling
Why? What Movie? Bruce Willis Is A Ghost And Doesn't Know It
I Am Proud That Kyle Did A Boom-Boom In A Big Boy Toilet
It's More of a Melt Than a Sandwich
Given $250 Grand Even If They Hadn't Named The Stadium After Me
Andy, You Don't Live Here. That's Why I Have The Towel On
I Don't Know, Honey. It's Just Going to Be One Giant Infomercial
He Was Cool, He Had the Coolest Car, He Was Really Popular
I Thought I Would Be Able To Cross That Off My Fantasy List
I Don't Really Want To Sleep With The Guy
The Client Is Darryl Buckner. I'm A Little Hesisitant About Getting In Bed With Him
I Just Beat Out Four Other Contractors For A Big Job
Ashley Flynn Had Me Pinned Down So I Rolled Into A Ball
Nasty Little Kids!
They Wanted Five Bucks Apiece to Shovel the Driveway
Are You Having A Snowball Fight With The Flynn Kids Again?
You Know Who's Gonna Love This Story? Your Prom Date
I Gotta Go to the Bathroom!
Emergency Whistle, Pepper Spray and Nail Gun
Okay. It'll Take About 15 Minutes for It to Kick In
Same Thing I Do Every Time You Bite Into A Chili Dog
Or That Girl With the Big Knockers at the Buy & Bag
I Think It Would Have to Be Melissa Stark From Monday Night Football
My Yoga Instructor. He's Gay
You Just Kissed Me on the Toilet
I Would Start Crying And I Could Never Stop
What Am I Gonna Do? Not Go To The Mall? Not Gonna Happen
If We Had a Phone We Could Have Called Roger Ebert
No, Cheryl, We Gave Them the Attack Command
The Only Thing Between Us And The Jaws Of Death Is A Cheap Door
What Are You Doing Down Here? I Told You to Stay in the Room
Did I Leave That Window Open?
Fritz, Could You Watch My Wife, Please?
Protect The Family. I Am Homeland Security
We've Been Married For 11 Years, If You Don't Know By Now
You're Gonna Sleep Better Tonight Than You Have in Years
Hey, Were You Bonding With the Boys?
You're Gonna Have To Learn German. "German Sheperds"
You Bought Two German Shepherds to Protect Me?
Meet Your New Bodyguards, Gunter and Fritz
What Do You Say to That, Dirtbag?
Looks Like the Streets Are a Little Bit Safer Now, Huh?
I Just Think It's Cruel To Deny You Sex
Please Cheryl, You Think You're Getting Sex After This?
Yo Go Right, I Got Right. You Go Squiggly, I Go Squiggly
I'm Gonna Go Kick Some Ass
You Know, You're Supposed to Be the Smart One Out of the Two of Us
This Guy Ran Up Behind Me And He Grabbed My Purse
Oh, You Must Have Spent a Lot, Didn't You? Was It More Than $20?
Did Mommy Spend A Little Too Much Of Daddy's Money?
I Think the Sponge Cake I Had for Dessert Cushioned the Blow
I Like This Better Than Real Golf
I Got A Birdie Coming Up. I'll Get You On The Back Nine
Oh, That's Right, You're Cleaning Out the Garage Today
We're Going to the Mall, You Coming? I'm Not Gonna Be Doing That
Good Pick. Ruby, Your Fired
All Right, I'm Thinking About Using a Four Iron. Maybe a Five
Driver. Once Around The Block
Now, I May Have Bought That Ring for Somebody Else
And You Looked So Beautiful That Night
This Is The Bottle Cap From The Beer That I Poured Over You
If Ruby's Teeth Grow In Straight, We'll Be In The Clear
Daddy, Can We Paint Your Toenails?
You Just Don't Get It, Do You? I Don't Get Anything!
One More Letter! You Are So Anal About Your Letters
L.C. Lisa Christie. You Said It Stood For Lovely Cheryl
You Do Love Me, Don't You? It's Just That I Want To Kill You
I Guess That Beer Proposal Was Kind of Unique
The Best Thing That Ever Happened to Me Was Lisa Turning Me Down
The Way I Proposed Was Romantic. You Poured Beer On My Head
I Meant to Tell You But You Were Either Pregnant Or Something Good On TV
I Mean, I Just Feel So Light. I Can Just Dance Around
She Wouldn't Spit Out Her Gum So I Went In After It
You May Not Believe But Lisa Dumped Me
Cheryl, You Better Sit Down
When the Ex-Girlfriend and the Wife Get Together
Make Sure I Haven't Slept With Them
My Ex-Girlfriend and My Wife Sitting Down to Dinner
We've Got Three Kids. All Of Them Mine!
We Dated for, Like, What? A Month and a Half? A Year And A Half
You Know What's a Funny Name for a City? Bangkok
I'll Be at the Bar
Rebelling Against The Beautiful People
I'm Not Wearing Any Underwear and Nobody Knows
But in Reality Billy Beaver's Gonna Burn Through That $300 Really Fast
So Put That Down, and if Your Teacher Has a Problem With It, Have Her Call Me
My Way Is Not the Only Way
What's a Better Word Than Perfect? Oh, Me
Every First Grader Is Gonna Be Talking About It
Who Wrote Poo on Andy's Forehead? Joe Mama!
Ifg They Don't Go To Sleep You're Ging To Put Them In Jail
What Kind of Story Would You Girls Like to Hear?
What's Your Name? Ashley. Common, But Adorable
What Do You Wanna Do Now? We Want To Make Fairy-Dust Necklaces
14 Hours?! That Must Feel Like a Lifetime To You
Stop Acting Like A Princess
This Is Gonna Be The Best Birthday Party Gracie Has Had
Your Plan, You Win, I Lose. That's A Fact Of Life
Ruby's Having A Slumber Party
What Are We Gonna Do? Bedtime!
Slumber Party? Stay All Night?
Pump Them Full Of Sugar And Let Them Go
You Didn't Even Write the Girls' Names on the Goodie Bags
I Am Perfectly Capable of Taking Care of My Children
I'm Not Scared of Books, I Just Prefer Movies
Flushing A Toilet May Not Be My Thing
Wake Up! What Are You Still Sleeping?
You Don't Look So Good. Put Some Make-Up On
Well, Here's a Stumper for You, What Are Testicles?
What's a Scrunchie?
How Could You Get NASCAR Plates?
That Is Shameless. Tell Me About It
Is That The Doughnuts Talking?
I Don't Want to Pooh-Pooh Your Ideas. Pooh-Pooh
This One Is Whiskey With Rainbow Sprinkles
Doughnuts Filled With Liquor?
Why Is There a Cab Out in Front? Are U Drunk?
There's a Lot of Hidden Expenses, Like Storage And Bulls Tickets
You Flipped Him Off In The Parking Lot
Let Me Knock This Wall Out
Danger. Blasting Zone
I Am a General Contractor. It's My Job To Execute Building Plans
Anybody Can Run Into A Burning Building
Cheryl, You Made Your Bed, Now Lie in It
Is It Me or Is This Bandwagon Getting a Little Crowded?
I Need You In Iowa And New Hampshire Kissing Babies And Shaking Hands
First the Investors Have to Take Their 70% Cut
To Gassy Gus, Who Will Cost $2 to Make, but Retail for $19.95
Some Men Look at a Farting Doll and Ask, Why?
When Gassy Gus Let One Rip, It Was Like Mixing Christmas With Chili
We're Having a Tea Party. What Kind of Tea Do You Want?
Folks, You Can't Really Put the Joy of Farting Onto a Graph
You Can't Put The Joy Of Farting Onto A Graph But You Can Put It Into Overalls
I Am Brining Seven People Out Of A Coma
That Aint The Lunch Whistle
Even Your Sister Believes in Me And She Can't Stand Me
Do You Have A Permit For This?
Here Comes A Wrecking Ball
Presenting, Gassy Gus!
Call the Gas Company, I Think We Have a Leak
Call The Gas Company, I Think We Have A Leak!
It Sounds Like a Lot of Time and Work. No, I'll Do Everything
We Would Have Conceived Gracie On The Back Of A Horse
If I Came Up With the Whoopee Cushion, I'd Be Wearing Gold Pants Right Now
Everybody Agrees on One Thing. Farts, Funny
Truck-stop hooker or the Queen of England
That's My Boy! Did You Hear That Pitch?
It's Gracie's Career Day at School
Women Don't Need All These Toilets
So, a Trip Back To The '96 NBA Finals, Watch The Bulls?
If They Had Videotape in 1908 We'd Be Watching The Cubs
46-10, The Bears Win The Super Bowl!
You Wanna Bust a Move?
Maybe Fate Is Being at the Right Place at the Right Time
You Two Are Sad and Lonely People With A Need for Companionship
You'd Still Be Up in a Tree, Naked With a Crown of Beer Bottles
The Guy I Knew Was Headed For A Full Denuim Wardrobe
Visiting My Friends. Professor Gin and Field Marshall Von Tonic
I Like The Boxer Briefs. But There's A Breaking-In Period
Look at Him Over There. Miserable and Alone
Since All the Police in the City Are Here, We're Gonna Rob Some Liquor Stores
Some Fat Chick Fell Down
What Does Patty Do for a Living? Nurse. It's Almost Too Easy
Tough Luck, Buddy. I Thought That Blonde Looked Easy
You Have a Girlfriend? I've Been Trying To Break Up With Her For 3 Weeks
You Think You're Gonna Get Lucky Tonight?
I Can Show You A Picture Of Them In The Bathtub With Me
Hey Forget it. She's Way Out Of Your League
What About Me? The Guy Who's Been Lied to for the Last 12 Years
The 12 Years That We've Been Talking About the Night We Met
She Jumped Right Out Of The Convent And Into The Bar
I Don't Know Why She's So Hell-Bent on Getting the Two of Them Together
Uh, Cheryl! There's No Beer In My Hand
Why Does It Always Have to Be Me?
I Think Your Credibility Is a Little Tenuous Right Now
I Would Kill For That Silence Here
Danny, Come on, You Don't Have to Wash the Dishes
If You Feel More Comfortable With A Shirtless Drunk, I'm Here!
She's a Chick. You Know, They Pick Up on Crap Like This
No, I'm Going Stag. I'm A Lone Wolf. I Travel Fast And Light
No Staring At My Wife And Don't Talk To My Kids
I'm Sure You've Heard Lots Of Girls Laugh At You
What Is It With You? Why Can't People Just Be Single?
Every woman is paired up with some guy that she can nag to his grave
Men Don't Meddle In Other Men's Love Lives
There Are Certain Unwritten Rules That Men Honor
These Look Too Clean. Lincoln and Douglas Need Room
Boxer Briefs? Next Stop, San Francisco
I'm Gonna Find a Whole Lot of Shoes And Nothing For The Boss
What's Been Going on Here? A Little Poker?
There's An Illegal Cable Hook Up Out There
The Policeman's Ball. I Want The Band To Play
You've Been Waiting for Them. Tickets To The Policeman's Ball!
Okay, Ruby, Bet's to You. Four Pretzels
The Name Funky Wizards Stays
It Gets Late and Then I'd Tell You, You Got To Go Home
He's So Good He Makes The Rest Of The Band Sound bad
What Is It With You and Your Family? You're All Saints?
Why Do You Have to Make Everything So Melodramatic?
I'm A Little Difficult To Get Along With
Because It's Not Good for Me. Neither Is Bacon, But You Eat It Every Morning
Cheryl, You Eat Yogurt. That's Bacteria
Why Can't Andy Do What's Good For Him?
Cheryl, You're Either His Sister or My Wife
You Told Andy He Was A Great Architect. You Built Up His Ego
I'm A Big Boy. I Can Think For Myself
All She Did Was Remind Me Of My Potential
Watch The Chicks Of The 12:30 Spin Class
Come on, Andy, Don't Be Mad. It Isn't Personal
It's Not A Big Gig. It's A Dive. It's Nothing. House of Blues
Daddy, Bet You Can't Drink This Whole Thing
I Would Be Honored To Relieve Myself In One Of Those
These Are Schematic Drawings For A Public Toilet
Guess Who's Not Going to Appear Semi-Nude on Our Next Album
The Beatles Got Rid of Pete Best And Replaced Him With Ringo
What Ever Happened to Loyalty. This Is The Music Biz
I'm Not Going To The Airport Meeting Japanese Business Men
The Band Just Got A Gig At The House Of Blues!
Jennifer Lopez Is Sleep-Walking And Climbs Into Bed With Us
This Is My Garage, This Is My Beer, It's My Wife
We Can't Do This Gig Without Andy
You Ever Play Professionally? Bonnie Raitt, Blues Traveler, Dave Matthews
Is This New Boyfriend Here?
How About the Funky Wizards? Huh?
Is the Pope Catholic? He Is Catholic, So That Means Yes
Daddy, Can You Do Everything? Is The Pope Catholic?
You Said Stupid Wise Man
Just Because It's Christmas, It Doesn't Mean I'm a Different Guy
Cheryl, I Cannot Live in This Filth
Are You Allowed to Drink Beer, Santa? What Are You, a Cop?
Does It Talk a Lot? Non-Stop Just Like Your Mommy
Tell Santa What the Final Score of the Blackhawks Game Was?
Go Over There and Grab Santa A Cold Beer From The Ice Bucket
I'll Jot Down Directions. No, On How To Apologize
I'm Having a Cutlery Sale, 50% Off Every Knife In My Back!
You Want to Hear an Apology? Shut Up!
I Wouldn't Give You a Piece of Gum if Your Face Were Bleeding
You See? This Is Why They Don't Have Women in the Army
Give Him An Easter Bunny That He Thinks Is Chocolate
We Can Have Our Own Party Right Here Without the Unpleasantness of Guests
You Owe Me For The Last 2 Minutes You've Stolen From My Life
Oh, You Look Younger Every Day
Crannis' Dog Defecated on Our Front Lawn
Fourth of July I Put A Bottle Rocket In His Mailbox
Then We Snuck Into the Principal's Office
We Had A Quickie In A Hot Air Balloon Last Week
We Did It Behind Plymouth Rock
Whoa! A Public Place. That's Pretty Gutsy
Yeah. It Was Married, It Was Wild
Me And The Missus. Making Plymouth Rock
My Wife and I Are Crazy for Each Other
Sorry About Running Onto The Field But Somebody Had To Score
I Saw You Naked Last Night With My Sister
This Is Officially a New Low for You, Huh?
I Don't. I Don't Need to Impress Anybody
Like the Pilgrims Didn't Fool Around
When Was the Last Time We Were Spontaneous?
Now Let's Lose The Pants
I Know That Face. That's I've Got a Poop Face
When Is This Thanksgiving Thing Gonna Be Over?
You're Obsessed With Being Liked
I Am An Island. I Stand Alone
I'm Sorry I Had To Kick You Out Of the Moon Bounce
I Thought Childbirth Had Toughened You People Up
What Are You Doing? She's Your Sister
You Give Cheryl the Flowers And Enjoy Each Other's "Company"
Now, This Is Bears Football
Gaylord. Ain't Nothing To Make Fun Of There!
My Wife, I've Never Seen Her More Excited About a Guy
I'm Opening Up Here. You Cam Meet Me 7/8ths Of The Way
Well, Go Ahead and Hate Me, All Right?
I Was Hit Hundreds of Times by a Dodgeball
How Many People Believe There Are No Timeouts In Dodgeball?
Well, He Injured Me During a Dodgeball Game
The Bible. There Are A lot Of Good Stories In There
Tell Me Where the Rule Book Is. The Bible?
Kyle's Still Craping His Pants
Kyle Can Pick His Nose And Eat Paste Anywhere
This Guy Is Out to Get Me. Honey, He's A Minister
Come On! He's Weirder Than a Five-Dollar Bill
Like My Grandfather Would Call Time Out On The Beaches of Normandy
Maybe He Could Have Dodged The Ball
See You In Church Next Week. Fat Chance, Nutjob!
We'll Make This A Weekly Event. Like Hell You Will
I Will Never Forgive You for What You Did to Me That Day
The One Where The Scottish Guys Throw The Trees
Oh, Yeah. Are You a Football Fan, Reverend?
Is There Any Way I Could Take That Part of Your Brain That Loves Football
Bears Came Back And Won 42 to 38. I MIssed it! Damn it!
Talk Tou Your Boss About Getting The Bears In The Playoffs
If I Were You, I'd Go Over There and Apologize
I Mean, His Lip Was Swollen for Like Three Weeks
If God Wanted Me in Church Right Now, He Would Give Me a Sign
You're Just Mad Because I Can Look So Fine for a Buck 99
Daddy, Does God Like the Bears?
God Needs Me Here!
Nobody's Tackling Out There!
What I Have To Say, Wouldn't Be Nearly As Interesting
And Thank You, Graduates of the University of Jim
Oh, Listen. This Little Conversation Never Happened
I Need To Shake Off These Nice Feelings I'm Having
Remember, for Every Hand There Is a Glove
We're Hard-To-Place People
How Many Women Out There, if They Really Knew Me
But When He Turned Out to Be a Weasel, I Got Rid Of Him
I Even Laughed at His Stupid Peter Jennings
Pretty Comfortable Bench, Huh?
So, Uh, What Night Is This Gonna Show on Tv?
She Loves Her Ice Pick
He Gets Into The Limo And Guess Who's Drivng? Dana?
When It Comes To Men She's A Complete Psycho
Boy, Those Mushrooms Just Shoot Right Through You
I Was Big-Game Hunting In Africa With Nelson Mandela
These Are Our Children, Gracie and Ruby
We Can't Let Him Sleep With Her
We Can't Beat Up A Guy On National TV
Well, Andy, Do They Give Out a Nobel Prize for Love?
Honey, We're Rich in Many Ways. Like Our Love
Isn't That A Delicious Enigma?
We Have Another Transfer Student To The University of Jim
I Tried to Be Myself But It Was Easier To Do It Jim's Way
Who Needs a Catering Table With Five Different Kinds Of Pies? Five?
No TV Crew Is Gonna Be Traipsing Through My House
Well, It's Not Like Guys Are Banging Down the Door
You Won A Lifetime Supply Of Stud
This Goes for All Men. Talk About His Mother
If He's a Pompous Windbag, Make Him Think You're Listening?
If He's Funny, Make Him Feel Hysterical
What Do You Know About The Bachelor?
The Guy Picks the Girl. Smart, Confident, Ambitious
You See, the Way I See It, It's Like My Own Personal Infomercial
You Guys Are Not Gonna Believe This
I Swear, the Silverware Was in That Drawer Yesterday
Oh, Damn! Coupon Drawer
We've Lived Here 7 Years And You Don't Know Where The Spoons Are?
Cheryl? Cheryl, Where's the Good Ice Cream?
What Would Cheryl Do And The Don't Do it
No. My Butt's Too Big. It's Like Two Hams!
We Have a Special Treat for Dessert. My Butt's Too Big
Cheryl, It's Those Damned Violent Cartoons!
Now You Just Sit Here and Do Whatever It Is You Do
You Should Never Punch Anybody
She Said I Eat Poop Burgers
We've Got Enough Cheese To Get Through The Chicago Winter
Yeah, and I Got a Call From the Oval Office
You Know, Cheryl, I Know the World Is Wrong and You Are Right
You Better Change Your Attitude, Baby
Do You Think Our Kids Are Like Little Sponges
What Do You Think It Does to Our Girls When They See Their Daddy Fighting?
The Packer Smacker!
Honey, the Football Stadium Is Not Civilized
Fyi, That Was Anthony. He Just Saw It on Tv. He Thinks I'm a Hero
I Am A Good Example. I Don't Smoke. I Look Good In Corduroy
That Guy Was Trash Talking in Front of Our Little Angels
Cheryl, Can We Please Have Some Mystery in This Marriage?
Fatherhood First, Football Fan, Second
I Know, Honey. He's a Packer Fan. He Can't Help Himself
He's A Packer Fan. He Can't Help Himself
Daddy, Where Are the Bears? They're Not Eating Honey
Good Example? The Man Eats On The John
Okay, Girls! Let's Go Kick Some.. Packer Keester!
You Know, Cheryl, I'm Gonna Try Not to Curse
Dana, Will You Tell Your Sister Her Ass Isn't Big?
I Have a Mind to Stop Doing Housework Altogether
Cheryl, Your Butt Isn't Big. It's Like Two Hams!
And What Is This More Important Than? My Wedding Day
Who's Taking You to Your First Bears-Packer Monday Night Football Game?
I Got Every Last Spider. I Took No Prisoners
Honey, Maybe I Can Just No Decorating!
I Still Need That Place That's Just Mine
And When I Sat There, I Could Shut Out the Whole World
Did You Have a Place You Could Go To That Was Just Yours?
For The Next 30 or 40 Years You'll Have To Do The Cooking And Cleaning
You Are Not Doing This. Watch Me, Baby
You're Having Band Practice in the Attic?
Get Down Here. Sassy Little Thing
It Will Be Like Your Clubhouse. No Girls Allowed
You Win? Are You Up To Something?
Oh, Yeah. I Was Thinking About My Chi
You're Barking At The Big Dog Now
Cheryl Is Speaking to Me Through the Food
Cheryl Only Makes Spaghetti and Meatballs When She Is Defeated
The Free Ride Is Over!
Men All Over The Country Are Going To Take Their Space Back
I've Been Living With Your Stuff For The Last 7 Years
Score One for Team Jim
There's Another Spider In Our Room!
I Am a Man!
Cheryl, I Will Not Be Denied My Space
Put Up A Set Of Bull Horns With Mexico Written On It
It's a Phobia. Everybody Has Them
We'll Be Like Canada. A Lot Of Free Trade
Keep Your Clothes Out Of My Side Of The Closet
You Know, Maybe You Shouldn't Have Given Us the Right to Vote
Basketball Courts, Outer Space. Places That Women Have Taken Over
Look, I Am a Man and I Want My Space
You Get Knocked Up, I Gotta Suffer
You Clothes Have Made It Past The Half-Court Line
When Did My Soap Turn Pink?
Cheryl, We Used To Have Two Separate Sides Of The Sink
Did You Brush Their Teeth? Round In Circles Like The Dentist Said?
You, My Saucy Wench, I'll Be Back for You!
One Call Puts It On The Radar, Two Calls Makes It Sink In
Hello, My Young Lassies!
So I'm Going to Need a Lot of Hetero Sex to Help Me Forget
I Had a Homosexual Experience in College!
I Had A Homosexual Experience In College! Craig Howard
The Divine Secrets Of The Ya-Ya Sisterhood, And I Cried
It Can't Just Be You And I For The Rest of Our Lives
I Haven't Had Corrective Surgery
This Is Really Hard to Say. Cheryl Had A Nose Job
We Leave A Big Box Of Crap Out For The Veterans
You Listened To All Out Private Conversations
I Could Take My Shirt Off. It Chases Jahovah's Witnesses Away
We Had Couple Friends for Exactly a Day and a Half
Can I Interest You In A Little Winston?
You Know, Sometimes You Get Those Cheap Pants
Look, Honey. Little Winston's Waking Up
How Does A Guy Like That Get A Woman Like Cheryl? Fair Enough
I'd Kill For Hair Like That. Oh, So Bouncy
Hey, the Red Sox Have Lost for the Last 80 Years
Hey, How About Ted's Hair? Like That's Real
What About Those Tinted Contacts? Nobody's Eyes Are That Blue
I Can Make A Salad. You Can Drop That Off And Take The Kids
Yeah, He Was All Right for a Red Sox Fan
Where Am I? Not In My Chair Anymore
All Right. I Won't Talk. Perfect, This Might Work Out
You And Dana Are My Brother And Sister. You're Not A Couple
Fred And Barney Were Friends Before They Met Their Wives
Cheryl, I Have Been With People All Day Long
You Know What, Cheryl. I Just Realized Something
Jim, Honey, They Have the Cutest Little Four-Month-Old Named Jeffrey
Hey, You're Not Cheryl, but I'm Okay With That
Listen, I Was on the Computer Today And I Found This Site
Thank You, 412 In Pepperoni
You Won't Forgive Yourself The Rest Of Your Life
This Is Street Justice
Woman, Be Quiet
Beer, Women and Runing Naked Through The Quad
What Are You Yelling at Me For?
What Do You Call Someone That Eats All Your Food. You
I Think It's Time You Be There Better Person
Why Do The Two Of You Swim Naked Together?
Now, What Do You Want on Your Pie?
I Didn't Really Spit on the Dough Just Then
It Fills My Heart With Joy And A Lot Of Other Bad Stuff
What Do You Know? You Eat Your Own Boogers
Crust of the Earth? Sounds Healthy. Toss It
What Do You Love More Than Anything? Pizza!
A Father Can Walk Out On His 11-Year Old Son
It's A Cave, People Are Laughing, We'll Find It
I Married Her for Her Looks
My Family Moved Here For Speedy Tony's Pizzeria
He's Closing The Pizzeria. What?!
You Give Me A Dirty Look And Threaten To Pee In The Bushes
It's Like Hotels. They Expect You To Steal Towels and TV's
Don't You Ever Get Tired of Caring for Other People?
Another 28 Seconds and We Get Free Pizza
If Those Things Really Have Wings Let Them Fly Home
Honey, I Can't Right Now. We're Playing a Game Called Sleeping
Here She Comes. Avert Your Eyes, Avert Your Eyes!
You're Always Hungry. You're My Kind Of Guy
You Overcame Your Weakness Of Flesh and Emerged Victorious!
Would You Like a Burger With Those Fries?
Oh, Mike, That's Great! Mike's a Guy's Name
A Trim Fit Guy Like You? I Do Work Out
I Don't Need You
Oh, I'm Just So Attracted to You. Is That Weird?
Sometimes When We Argue You Say That You Get Frisky?
She Saw A Great Big Cartoon Dollar Sign With Feet
Um, So, Honey, What's the Cubic Displacement of the Engine?
From Stem To Stern. Although That's A Boating Term
Fine, Fine, I Will Admit That She Was a Very Attractive Woman
That's Why They Come To This Country, We Don't Judge
Great, That Narrows It Down To Three Billion People
Oh, Nice People, Fred and Mary. Mike And Laura
I Work Hard, I'm A Great Lover, We're Keeping The Car
This Is a Great Family Car. For A Family Of Clowns!
Haven't You Ever Gotten Spontaneous and Just Bought Something
I Drive a Carpool. How Am I Supposed To Fit Those Kids?
Let's Just Let The Headlights Hang Out
You Should Live Under A Bridge and Threaten Billy Goats
My Sister-in-Law Bought a Car Here Last Week And It's Already In The Shop
The Old Stink And Dash. Classic
You Should See the Lexus Dealership
I Mean, You're Perfect for This. You're A Horrible, Horrible Man
There's Me And Sinatra But Now It's Just Me
You're Not Going to Give Them Hell
Oh! A Loaner Car Is Not Part of Your Deal!
That's Not Gloating, Honey. That's Winning!
You Gloat When You Beat Gracie at Candyland
Jumping In A Big Pile Of Leaves. The Rake's In The Garage
If You Dug Up Your Dad He'd Still Get A Better Deal Than You!
Women Should Never Buy Their Own Car
Yeah, What About Washing Cars? Can We Still Do That?
There's Three Things That Women Should Never Do Alone
The Two of You Are Going Car Shopping? Just The Two Of You?
I Just Hate Getting Those Calls. Call You Sister After Dinner
I Don't Appreciate You Making These Calls During Dinner Time
Juggs Magazine Is Not A Lingerie Catalog
Oh, This Is a Nice Fabric, Right Here
Chippendale's Dance? That Is Why We Need New Curtains
You're A 10 When You Unload The Dishwasher
There Are Some People Who Couldn't Care Less About The NFL Draft
The NFL Is Important to Everybody, Cheryl
The Nfl Draft. How Would You Feel If I Started Vacuuming While You Watch
You Know What I've Been Thinking About? Make-Up Sex?
You Know, Every Kid Is Different
Don't Walk Like That. Walk Like a Boy
Not Until You Mow The Lawn, Jim. Nag, Nag, Nag
What's It Going To Take For You To Spill The Beans?
Even A Murderer Gets One Call
I'm the One Holding the Cards Here, Baby
I May Take A Piece Of Paper And A Pencil In The JohnWith Me
You Cannot Make the Kids Do Your Dirty Work
I'll Take A Bath With You But I'm Still Mad About The Camera
We Can't Find the Camera, Daddy
We May Even Forget Stuff We Already Know
Cheryl, Your Little Plan Is Gonna Backfire
Where's My Camera?
Things That Are Important To You Are Just Stupid
There's a One-to-Ten Scale on What's Important. Okay?
You Didn't Give a Damn About What Was Important to Me
All Right, You Just Won the Lottery
This Camera Is the Greatest Thing That's Ever Happened to Me
I Read The Manual While I Was Driving Home
We Just Went Throguh this With A Bag Of Doritos
The Neighbors Called About The Dancing Again
We Got Curtains In The Bedroom?
Okay. So, How Was Your Day?
I Come From Mother Russia. Thank You For U.S. $1 Bill
If It Ever Comes Down to Either You or Money, I'll Pick You
I Don't Want to Forget About Us.
Didn't You Learn Anything From The Lion King?
You Were So Thin. And Your Hair Wasn't
I Was Talking About Us!
Any Chance That You're Hungry, Horny, or Sleepy?
All Right. I Get It. You're Mad
For My Little One Aftershave!
Give Me the Silent Treatment When I'm Watching Sportscenter
Nobody Is Worth A $12 Bag Of Nuts
Now That It's On My Dime, We're Going
You Know I Can't Poop When I'm Away
This Lifestyle Has Really Corrupted You
$135 for a Facial! Man!
They Froze My Assets In The City Of Switzerland
Damn. The Couch People
I Sweat Like A Pig Back There
I Hope That's My Pedicure
A $40 Tip. Well, I've Never Done That Sober
I'm Feeling a Little Guilty Because I'm Getting A Better Massage
Grind It Baby! That's It. That's Too Wierd
I'm Planning on Getting Into Heaven With Cheryl, Plus Guest
You Cannot Do That Too Me Because I Am A Celebrity
Is That the Example You Want to Set for Our Kids?
Don't Wave And Smile. I'm Mad At You
Last Time I Lifted Something Heavy I Threw Out My Back
I Got To Figure Out A Way To Bring The Door Closer To My Chair
This Is a Comfortable Couch. Wish I Had Two Asses
This Can Clothe and Feed An Entire Village
Is That A One Dollar Bill, Jim?
New Couch Rule Number One. No Liquids Near The Couch, Ever
We Made Kyle On This Couch
My Couch Is Here. My Couch Is Here
My Father's Funeral? You Were Doing Cannonballs In The Pool
We Never Go Away, Just You and Me Without the Kids
We've Been Romantic In That Chair
I Have Just Completed My Best All-Time Nap
You're Big Enough To Check Under The Bed Yourself For Monsters
Daddy, Can You Read It Without The Voices?
Grandma, What Big Eyes You Have
resized jelly donut
a Jelly Dougnut??
What's for Dinner?
You Know What Would Go With This?
I'd be 350 pounds, with no kids, eating beans out of a can in hobo town
That's Really Good, Cheryl
Cow's goin' into the barn
You trying to kill me with this steak?
Butter, Sour Cream, or Both?
We're going to fight this thing together
You Know What You Need, Honey?
Those idiots deserved it
Would You Please Not Eat These?!
Oh, Man, I Had a Horrible Dream
Tell me it's true!
I feel like Nachos
Cheryl, You're My Wife
Ohh. What Was That About?
Not Until They Make a Bacon Patch
Men Have High Blood Pressure
Honey, if They Don't Learn It From Me
Daddy, Come Out and Play With Us
And I'll have the rack of lamb
You Might Want to Put Some Pants On
That's Not True. We Talked at the Wedding
All Right, but I'm Warning You
Okay, I Get It. We Have Way Too Many Kids
I still haven't eaten
We Don't Get This Kind of Lip At The Sizzler
Jeez, I Hope They're Two Lesbians Driving a Tank
Hey, What's That Movie About We're Gonna See?
Full Metal Jacket
I Won't Be Happy Until I Whip Your Butt
You girls have everything
I just don't want girls to beat me
Is that the kind of guy you would've married
We're all gonna be naked
I just like to cook dinner and get pregnant
I want to say the things to you that you say to me
Everybody should start off with two
The ladies' tee is closer to the hole
Men are bigger and stronger than women
It's not the same thing losing to a girl
Did you refold the one to loserville?
You're going down sister
In the bedroom
Welcome to my dirty little secret
Wow you're a really strong powerful woman
There's no way you threw that game
I let you win
I compete to win
Competing with girls is not a sport
Why is it so dirty when six women just love each other
That's not an exercise tape, it's a dirty movie
Did you sweat in that little curvy spot in your back?
Think we should try and put it in the blender
Like a little bit of heaven
what is that
What is that
what the fuck is that, what is that!
Michael Jordan is a role model
I am the boss
That Is bull
You must be the owner of this smut shop
I was defending your honor
I took umbrage with it
You were on fire man
You could go pro
When did you start dating him
I have never been more in love with you than I am right now
I think I need a nap
My dad is the boogeyman
Listening is important
WHAT THE FUCK
I'm el grande burrito
I'm your man buddy
what the fuck is that?
My cold dead butt
I thought we settled this last night