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Quotes and Sound Clips
As Much as I'd Love to Put on a Trench Coat
Let's Go, Strangers!
I Got Confused
You Don't Like Will Truman's New York?
That's $200 Worth of Cucumbers and Cream Cheese!
My Five Toes Are Now Fused Into One Giant Stump
What About Your Mom?
You Give Me 24 Hours
I Thought Food Poisoning Was A 24 Hour Thing
It's The Same Way She Wound Up Becoming Husband No. 8 to Elizabeth Taylor
My Mom's Still Here
A Gay Spelling Bee? Can We Do That?
If You Call My Doorman Oriental One More Time
Would I Hand Wash the Stockings of a Woman I'm Sick Of?
You Should've Seen Her When We Were Chamoising Off the Mini-Blinds
The Only Person That Goes Out in Public
Could You Not Bring Up Mother, Please?
I Hate When She Talks to Me Like a Child
What Is It About "Smallville"
That's The First Line In The Movie
Why don't you go to the linen closet and pick out a duvet with contrasting sheets
By the Way, That's Potpourri
Mamma Mia Here I Go Again
Oh, please dear, in real life the poor people never sing that much
She's Still A Mess
I'd Vacuum a Room, and Then You'd Follow Me Around and Critique It
I Love the Vacuum Game
It's Like A Scene From Grey Gardens
I'm Worried About You
A LifeTime of Trying To Get Dancing Queen Out of Our Heads
I'm Taking Jack Along for Company
I Can't Believe You Guys Are Playing Tennis Today
Leo, Be Honest With Me
What Is It About Putting Metal to Cotton
You Had One Passenger
Didn't You Take Anything Away From It?
Leo, Don't Let It Bug You
I Always Keep Track of Whatever I Bring to a Party
You're Not Making Any Sense
And I'll tell you why I'm mad-- because I'm not mad
If You Chop That Any Finer
Don't Straight Guys Like to Cuddle?
I Just Felt So Weird About the Whole Thing
I'm So Sorry I Didn't Call You Back
Or Wait a Minute. Shift It Back
Where's the Show About Our Continuing Struggles?
You Got Your Sugar
Will Truman, Gay Lawyer
What's Going On?
Is She Here? Is She Pretty?
You're Hoping She Has Big Ears and Buckteeth, Right?
I Just Saved Her Life
This Clearly Meant More To You
I'm Letting You Down Easy
I'm Not Interested in You
I Think Jack May Have Feelings for Me
Remember on the Boat When You Came Into the Room
Grace, Do You Work?
I Just Let Skippy Hang For My Crime? She's German, We'll Call It Even
So Anything She Says About The Fate Of Her Figurine Is New Information
My Holidays-Around-the-World Potluck Was a Rousing Success
You Know How Many Jewish Serial Killers There Are?
You Know What Your Problem Is? Jewish Guilt
Think, Grace, Think. Interesting That You Have To Remind Yourself
Do I Have to Remind You It's Potluck Week?
Oh, You Animal! You Clumsy Animal!
Did Another One Of Her Friends Admit To Sleeping With My Father?
You Know What Might Help This Awkward Moment?
Luckily, I Billed Them All to a Rich, Drunk Client
Organizing the Christmas Potluck?
Beam Me Up, Woolly!
And All We've Got Is Your Breats
Who Are These Men With Notebooks That Say "Vision" On Them?
You Can't Just Waltz In and Buy Out a Company
One Bad Perm And Your Name Is Greg Brady For 4 Years
When People Want to Hide Their Identity They Usually Change Their Last Name
Listen, We Have Got a Major Catastrophe Going On
Where There's A Will There's A Way
Do You Really Expect Me to Believe That You Were Deep Throat?
Forgive Me for Being Proud of You My Big, Strong, Sensitive Cop
The Trolly Muscle Queen With No Neck
Did You Call Out My Name Again In The Boudoir?
Snowflake is Dead
I Told You No Presents. No, Actually It's My Scarf
That Man Would Take A Bullet For Chandelier Earrings
Wipe That Rice Off Your Neck. Oh It Just Crawled Off
He's Gained Weight, Stopped Showering, Steals Jokes
He Hasn't Left the Apartment in a Month
Is This a Mushroom or a Cockroach?
I'm Talking About The Most Expensive Restaurant In The City
Don't Cry for Me, Argentina
Now Come On. We've Got a Diva to Scalp
You Spurned A Broadway Legend For Me
I Accidently Put My Finger In An Old Man's Ear
It's Like, Am I Even Capable Of Having A Relationship?
The Word, "Would" Was Used Three Times And You Didn't Giggle
The Message Was Left By Managing Editor Pat McGroin
Briefs, A magazine For Cute Hay Lawyers
You Don't Give a Crap About Anyone but Yourself
It's a Straight Club Right Now. It Doesn't Turn Gay Until 9
Are You Sure This Is a Gay Club?
You Know, I Mean, First Me and Vince. America's In Mourning
I Don't Know Why The Red States Are So Afraid Of Gays
Well, That Wasn't Because Miguel Was Puerto Rican
Yes, Mom, The Italian And I Broke Up
Or You Could Stare at This
Portia Derossi Degeneres, You're Lesbians?!
Just Found Out Your Club Has A Policy Against Gay Couples
It's a Wonder He Didn't Go on to Star In, Hey Faggot!
There Isn't A Neck Here You Couldn't Jump Rope With
I'd Almost Forgotten It Was Valentine's Day
Check Out The Chunk Of A Hunk In The Black Suit
You Wouldn't Want To Walk Up To The Wrong 500-Pound Man
That Image Was So Disturbing I Have To Go Wash My Hair
Don't Worry, She'll Put Out Next Time
You Didn't Sleep With Him?
I Was Doing You a Favor. And How Was I Rewarded?
Apparently This Is The Portal To Satan's Lair
My Back IS Sweating So Much My Underwear Is Like A Bucket!
Yes, If You Enjoy Dining On The Sun
I Hate That I Completely Understood What You Just Said
This Is An Yves Saint Laurent Cashmere Turtleneck
Hi. The Fire's Toasty. Perfect For A Winter Day In New York
I Think I Froze Off My Third Nipple
Uh, I Also Have a Date on Saturday Night
For Once, Don't Think With Your Penis
Why Do I Always Do That? What? Act Like A Giant Whore?
That Was Some Kiss. I Emptied The Dishwasher During It
Did I Use to Date Him?
Ooh, That's Quite a Handshake
He's Really Intelligent. His Ring Is Classical Music
I Can't Sleep When Other People Are Having Fun
Okay, Now I Am So Firing His Ass
If I Had to Have Sex With a Woman It Would Be Hilary Swank
Now, I've Been With Both of You And It Was Fantastic
Pansexual? That's Just A Rest Stop On The Highway To Homo
What the Hell Is Going on Here? You're Gay!
Please Tell Me a Schoolteacher Helped You Over a Fence
Wow, So This Is Your Bedroom, Huh?
Hot? Are You Kidding Me?
Karen's Pastry Chef. I Was Supposed To Give Him The Sack
Somebody's Mad at You for Not Reading a Script
Would You Fire Picasso?
Having A Pastry Chef Just Makes Solid Economic Sense
Helicopter Pilot Has Been Fired
Have You Ever Kneaded Something Before?
I'm Dirty, and I Don't Even Care
That Is the Perfect Combination Of Sugar, Lemon Zest, And Finger
We're Not the Kind of Gays You Want
Come on, Jack, Let's Try the Back Door
I've Been To The Cayman Islands And people Braid Hair For $1
Four Teenagers Drove By An Egged Our House
Everyone Here Is Straight, So They're Obviously Watching Cold Case
Oh, My God! Somebody Threw A Brick Through Our Window
Good News, Small Town Families! We Are Gay!
Sophisticated Urbanites. What A Fun Way To Say Gay
You Mean Where I Put In $15,000 and You Put In $6?
Well, Jack, You Did Great. This House Is Fit For A Queen
You Can't Buy a House With Box Tops And Enthusiasm
How Does My Ass Look? Like Two Kittens Playing In A Laundry Bag
We've Been Over It So Many Times, We've Got It On Coasters
I Have an Oral Fixation Because I Was Not
Do You Mind if I Bum a Smoke?
I Am Way Crazier Than Him. I Almost Cut Off My Hair Today
Oh, Really? Do You Fake Mental Illness?
When I Talked About My Mother I Developed A Facial Tick
I'm Gonna Get in That Book, or This City Is Gonna Burn
You're Not Interesting! We Passed 20 Of You On The Way Here
If I Ever See Her in a Restaurant, I'm Supposed To Leave
Offer You An A In Exchange For Sexual Favors. Go For It
I Really Hate Talking About Myself
Did You Cry? No, I'm Not A Baby, I'm A Man
Are You Using Mind Tricks To Mold Me Into An Assassin?
You Crapped Around For 48 Minutes Talking About A Stapler
Grown Men Acting Cutesy Makes Me Want To Throw Up
What Are You Going to Do?
I Just Wish I Knew Some Voodoo
That Much I Remember
I'm Naked Over Here
If This Was Your Bed, It Would Already Be Made
I Should Have A Better Stapler
You Just Mugged a Little Girl
New York Magazine Named Her One of the Top 75 Therapists
Why Measure Ourselves Against Other People's Failures
Yes, She's Big-Boned
Since When So They Start Making Orange Flavored Cherrios?
I Played This Joke Because I'm The One Who's Insecure
How Did You Know I Would Make A Fool Of Myself? Just A Hunch
Well, I Will Not Sign the Release!
Jack McFarland, You Have Been Pink'd!
It Is A Man-Girdle
You Changed My Name on the Mailbox Downstairs
Just Sign This Release So We Can Air The Episode
My Blind Date Was Actually Blind
This Was All A Practical Joke? Yes, At Your Expense!
Will Truman! You've Been Pink'd!
This Is Ridiculous. I Am Classically Handsome
Excuse Me! I Am Not A Dog. Feel Again
Because I'm The Blind Guy I Get Stuck With The Dogs
Feel Away. Don't Usually Say That In The First 5 Minutes Of A Date
Why Would I Want to End the Date? You're Cute
Only Racial Stuff Offends Me. I Am Black, Right?
I Guess Jack Didn't Tell You I Was Blind
You Must Be My Blind Date. You Must Be My Sighted Date
No, No, There's No Way Tyler's Going All the Way Up There
Why Doesn Yours Say Patrice? That's My Coffee Name
You Get Out of My Bed!
I Quit My Job. I Want To Do Something Meaningful With My Life
I Have Finished Both Of Our Wills And I Am Leaving You A Lot More
I Thought I Would Treat Us To Lunch. Wow, You Are Happy To Be Alive
I Never Thought I'd Be Just Another Corporate Lawyer
There's $300 In My Sock Drawer. Now It's $20 And A Frozen Yogurt Punch Card
Lavender Perfume Masking the Scent of an Afternoon Spritzer
Is That The Sandwich Cart? I Called It, Egg Salad!
Can You Imagine the Embarrassment Of Having A Will With Typos?
Let's Start With the Money. Who Do You Want To Leave It To?
I Wanna Do a Will. Well, Get In Line Behind All The Other Ladies
I'd Have You Stuffed By The Front Door To Prop Up Umbrellas
You Might The Morning Gunk Out Of Your Eye
You're wearing a ridiculous I Love Lucy Neck Brace
You Landed In A Bin Of Cashmere Sweaters
It Looks Like You Found Them in Bruise
Grace, Let Go of the Jeans and Climb Down
It's Like the Climbing Wall at the Gym
Okay, I'll Get a Salesperson
Well, if They're Stupid Enough to Pay You
We Deserve a Snack. Get Your Coat, We're Going To Serendipity
Or Does He Think You Have A Wonderful Package?
Excuse Me, There Was a War on Drugs in This Country
You Could Imagine My Embarrassment When I Found Out There Were No Drugs In it
I'm Doing Some Writing On Social Injustice Between The Classes
Ernest hemingway, Sylvia Plath, Virginia Wolff. Didn't They All Kill Themselves?
Oh, The Guy Who Likes Will's Writing. You're A Real Person
What a Coincidence. Is It? Or Have I Been Following You?
This One Is About How Wall Street Is Really A Bull Market
Howdy, Starnger, Want To Read An Essay?
Well, I Wanna Do Some Good. I Want To Make People Think
One Wrote About The Dust Bowl, The Other About The Toilet Bowl
I Know What I'm Not Going To Be Doing. Reading
I'm Gonna Be A Producer Of A Talk Show!
I Already Shopped, Prepped, And Cooked The Entire Meal
Well, That Wouldn't Be Very Dramatic, Now, Would It?
We're Not a Charitable Organization. Uh... Doy!
Hiring Me For A Job That Doesn't Exist
Oh, My God. Stanley? You're Alive?
What Will Happen To The Kids? They Have $85 Million In A Swiss Bank Account
I Don't Believe He Got Stabbed In The Neck While Changing The Toner
You Wanna Go Somewhere Private?
If The Gang Goes To Tony Roma's, Want Me To Call You?
Look, Something Weird Is Going on Here
The Cayman Kids Don't Need The Money Because They Have The Beach
All I'm Doing Is Transferring Money From The Cayman Islands To Russia
Is That Your Family? No, It Came With The Frame
I Guess We All Feel A Little Jumpy With Martha Stewart's Release
They Don't Want to Hear Just From Smart People
That's Why I'm Voting for Jim Carrey
You Read Funny
There's a German Shepherd Standing Guard
Well, I Just, I'm So Excited. I Can't Wait To Start Helping Thos Kids
What's the Limit? 20, But If You Go To 25 Nobody'll Kill You
A Little Tip, She Likes Anything With Penguins On It
You Don't Have To Impress Anybody. Everybody Love You
There's A German Shepard Standing Guard
I Am Average Looking At Best And Barely Holding On To My Hair
What's Jack Talk? The Thing He Does In The Shower With His Penis
But I Also Like to Help People. That's What I Do
Well, I Just Hope I'm Not Right
You Would Never Laugh At Food Falling
I Feel Like I'm Angrier About This Than You Are
I Still Can't Believe Tom Tried to Kiss You. He's Married
This Show Is So Sad
Super-soft NYU med school one that could double as a shorty nighty?
What the Ham Sandwich Is Going On?
You and Vince Are So Lucky
I Felt So Bad I Didn't Get Him Anything, I Put Out
Why are You Wearing That?
Look, Will, if You Have Something to Say, Just Say It
Beef Can Change
Oh, I Know What I Want
Jack, Will's Right
Why Do We Have to Have This Dinner
I Can't Believe Jennifer Lopez Fired Me
Do You Think That It Would Be..
Look, Uh..She Wants You to Go Dude
Where'd Ya Shop Today?
It's time to start dealing with this
He's Not a Person
Did You Tell Her My Uncle Hesh Was Born in the Bronx?
I Just Got Back From My World Wind Tour
Kabbalah Is Not A Person
That's the String From a Bakery Box
Stealing From Leo? It's So Small-Minded
If You Guys Are Waiting for Her to Tip You
Look What I Got
I Was Gonna Propose a Toast
I Still Can't Believe Our Kids Are Getting Married
I'm So Glad George Clooney Came Back to ER
You Don't Look Anything Like Your Mother
Destiny? There's No Destiny
Actually Found Someone You're Too Butch For
Lila Was So Skinny Her Whole First Year
Wow. Dumbest Version Of Parent Trap Ever
That we could reenact Grease in 17 minutes
Sometimes I Just See The Sad Girl Who Sold Her Eggs For Rent Money
It's Crocodile Loafers From Gucci
I've been wearing your Calvin Klein boxers for the last three days
You Were Just Having a Bad Dream
Grace, Being With You Has Ruined My Life
Things that are crushed
You Married Kevin Bacon?
Who Else Could Use a Drink?
Screw You. You Wish
Have Another Drink. Have Another Doughnut
You're Not Really Gonna Wear That, Are You?
Hey fellas, for a good time, call Will Truman
The Guy Who Cheated on You
I Was on My Way Home From Dunkin' Donuts
Braid Her Hair Wet, Make Her Sleep On It
To Beat The Piss Out Me
A Gay White Man Ironing In His Harlem Brownstone
I Say Nothing Would Make Me Happier
Uh, What If It's a Girl? Boy George
I Know What I Want to Name the Baby. George
Oh, My God, It's the Bugaboo Gecko Suspension Stroller
Bugaboo Gecko Stroller!
I already Assumed I Would Be Paying For
I'll Be There From Diapers To College
A Real Babies Head Wouldn't Come Off Quite So Easily
Could Be Anybody Killer
I"ve Been Charting Your Progesterone An You Are Spiking
I Hate These Protein Shakes
A Sex Dream About Ang Lee?
I Use My Fabulous Hair and Nails to Draw the Men In
You'd Think You Were Taking Pre-Natal Vitamins Too
When It Came To Me Being Gay
I Took Your Statistics Final For You
He Wished I Wasn't Gay
My Father Would Want Everyone To Be Comfortable
You Think I Enjoy Having a Father Who's Ashamed of Me?
That's Because Me Being Gay Is the Problem
I'm not gonna have kids because I'm gay
I'm Not Pregnant, I'm An Alcoholic
So You're Making Beer?
I Haven't Been Down to the Basement in Years
Look at Him. So Good With Clothes
That's Connecticut. Nothing Potentially Awkward
That's Crazy. That's Connecticut
I Would Have Thought a Girl Like You Would Have A Purse Full Of Condoms
Hardly Anyone Uses The Term Bastard Anymore
An Original Member From a Show Called Star Trek
Set Your Phasers On Stunning
I'm Glad You're Not Compromising
I'm Not Changing My Show
Even Your Studio Audience Is Changing
Cookies and the Bush Administration
Jamie, Exactly Who Bought Out Tv?
I Could Put Sexual Harassment Lawsuit Flyers in This Lobby
Lieutenant Sulu Is Going to Be on Jack Talk?
I Have to Prepare for My Interview Today With Star Trek's George Takei
Madonna was still relevant and Rosie was still funny
You're In A League Of Your Own
We Were in a Gay Bar Fight
How About A Gentleman's Kiss?
You Know What? I Don't Even Like Ranch Dressing
Look, I Can't Find My Ticket
The One-Eyed Monster Rears Its Ugly Head
Travis Is Quite the Two-Stepper, Huh?
How Often Do I Get to Dance Underneath a Disco Ball
It's Fun To Laugh At An Anonymous Woman's Heartbreak
I Really Get Along With That Little Doggy
Wow, He's Crazy Hot
A Gay Western Bar
But I Hate Those Gay Theme Bars
You Wake Up Courtney Love
Back to Canada, Baldy
Trade Him in For Credit At The Hot Canadian Freak Store
Oh, Another New Discovery, I Hate Cilantro
Tale Of The Wet, Limping Underpaid Healthcare Worker
You Are the Person Who Thought Dick Cheney Was A Bondage Toy
Wait, You Stole a Cab From A Nurse?
You're Worth $740 Million
Of Course I Do, You Pile!
What's Going On? Are You Not Gonna Tell Him?
Well, You Are Eating for Two. Ahh! I'm Pregnant!
You've Been Out for, Like, 20 Hours
Man, That Was a Really Good Nap. What'd I Miss?
N.M.P. Not My Problem
'Cause I'm Edgy Too
This Woman Is Paying for a 55-Cent Cookie With A Check
What, When You Had Sex on the Plane?
As Around the Sun The Earth Know She's Revolving
Private Eyes Are Watching You
Didn't faint. I barely Lindsay Lohaned
Let's Go Marry My Boyfriend
My Performance Really Brought Everybody Together
It's Exactly the Way I'd Do My Wedding, You Know?
The One Gay Man I Know That Never Got Highlights
Shot of Kate Moss In The Dumpster
I Actually Thought I Saw You at Williams-Sonoma
Are Our Rooms Next to Each Other?
When We Check Out University Kansas?
Hide My Homosexuality To Be Cast As A Leading Man
This Is So Exciting Being in L.A
The First Basket Of Unlimited Breadsticks Just Got Here
He Went From Crime Doesn't Pay To Soup Of The Day
God, How Sad Is That? Working As A Waiter At The Pasta Village
Vince Is Here? Crisscross, Applesauce
Ellen's Water Broke Right Over There
I'm So Tired of Rewarding Straight Married Couples
She Poked Me In The Boob And Didn't Apologize
Back to My Office. I Want It To Look Masculine
And Maybe It Makes Me a Bad Person But I Like Doing Corporate Law
What Are You Doing Here?
Now Come on, Let's Get Cracking
You're a Good Person
Do I Have to Remind You That I Quit
I Thought You Said I Inspired You
When Are Those Two Gonna Get Married Already?
Sneak a truck across the Canadian border plan
I Realize I Haven't Done Anything Charitable
I've Only Ever Been 90% Sure That You Were Human
We Are Behaving Like Children
How Long It Takes To Pickle Something?
You Told John Mccain You Loved Him
Wow, I Guess You Actually Can Be Too Gay
Where In The World Are Matt Lauer's Manners?!
Tuesday Nights At Baboon Bar
I Am No Longer Watching The Today Show
Now I Know You Said Not to Bring Anything
You Know the Best Thing to Do
When They Said You Were in the Little Girl's Room
My Cold Heart Was Recently Melted By A Young Nun
That Manager Was Such a Jerk
I'm Not A Drag Queen
And the Last Time I Was Hiking
I'm Captain Von Trapp
This Is Whole Milk. Now I'm Fat And I'll Never Find Love
What's balanced about nine uppers and an iced coffee
Spit Out Those Empty Calories and Put on Your Tap Shoes
She's Rather See Little Boys Playing in the Snow Than Singing In The Rain
We're Officially in Connecticut
I Finally Did It. Today I Stuck It To The Man
What Morally Bankrupt Monster Am I Taking Down?
I'm Ready to Fight for the Little People
I'm Like the Gay Superman
Will, You Have Gotta Go Shopping
You're Like a Rice Cooker
Here, Take a Marker and Start Drawing Penguins
They'd Never Separate Them If They Were Straight Penguins
I've Been Saving My Money in a Schwab Account
Central Park Zoo Has These Two Penguins That Are Gay
You Would Not Believe This. Leo's In First Class
I Slept With Him. You Are A Gay Man
Because I Should Tell You I Have A Boyfriend. You Might Have Two
There's Only So Much You Can Accomplish
To Pack Your Lucky Woodstock
It's an International Flight, and You're Dressed
What Is It About A Boy In A Tutu?
I Am Not Gonna Go to My Grave Without Seeing Billy Elliot The Musical
You Host a Local Gay Talk Show
They Just Called You A Baby Because You Cried For Three Straight Days
I Got Your List Of Demands. A Chocolate Fountain, A Pony
Uh, Okay. Famous for Nothing. Carmen Electra
I Saw This Old Photo of Him on a Beach
Okay, if I Ever See Her Face Again I'll Shoot Myself.
God, I'm Sorry. I Ran Out Of Tang
This Is What I Do Now, Grace
He's the kind of gay man I'd like to be when I'm older
Bringing Food to Old, Homebound People
I'm a Good Person
Hey, My Life Is So Much Richer
You've Been Saving My Life Since the Day I Met You
Really Good Looking, A Great Teacher
Someone That Puts Diving Rings Around His Neck
Referring To Someone As Your Boyfriend
Hey, Jay. Hey, Wag
I'm Gonna Swim. I'm Gonna Drink Out Of A Public Fountain
You're Right, It's the Time in My Life
I Had a Traumatic Experience When I Was a Kid
I Don't Know How to Swim, Okay?
It's an Adult Gym. Adults Don't Pee In The Pool
Unless It's In A Trunk In Your Closet
Since When Do You Care About Chewing Tobacco?
I Feel Like I'm Gonna Throw Up
I Had The Perfect Guy And The Perfect Job
That I Told My First Boyfriend I Loved Him
The Football Team Caught Me Kissing That Poster
People Like Us, We Should Just Leave the Walls Up
Why Are You So Drank When We Togethered The Same Amount?
Just Put Me In A Little Cart And Roll Me Under A School Bus
I'm Unemployed, I'm Single, I'm 41