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Quotes and Sound Clips
Fucking Out of Control. All These Hippies Running Around on Drugs
You Better Believe It
What Did He Say? "I'm Just a Patsy!"
I think Oswald's a Good Old Fashioned Decoy
You've Been Duck Hunting
If I Investigated the Case
One Pristine Bullet? That Dog Don't Hunt
Then They Got That Crazy Bullet Zigzagging All Over the Place
Here the Third Shot's Perfect
Average Man Would Be Lucky to get Two Shots Off
According to His Marine Buddies, He Got Maggie's Drawers
They're Telling Us That Oswald Got Off Three Shots
Three Experts and Not One of Them Could Do It
Nobody's Going to Tell Me That Kid Did the Shooting
Picking Gnat Shit Out of Pepper
It's a Mess Down There, Jim
You Know What She Had Painted on It?
I Saw a Girl the Other Day. She Was Pregnant
What Do You Say to a Man Who's Crying in Your Bathroom?
Worst He Could Do In There Is Brush His Teeth To Death
I Was a Heck of a Ballplayer
I Know an 11-Year-Old Girl Who's Already on the Pill
Score Was Tied Nothing to Nothing
The Catcher is Supposed to Pick Up the Bunt
I Mean, You Wouldn't Have Helped the Team Much
Before I Shave Off Half Your Mustache and Shove It Up Your Left Nostril
Is It Really Necessary to Send in That Lupus Kid Now?
Come Off It, Will You, Ahmad? Stop Pulling My Leg
Thank God, Hank Aaron Didn't Act Like This
This Is the Crowning Moment
There's Nothing to Continue
Don't Embarrass Me
He Hasn't Learned It's Not Good Manners
Oh! G.D. Wading Pool!
He's Only a Boy, Huh?
I'm Going to Investigate Mitchell's Garage
40 Years Down the Drain
Martha, Where Are the G.D. Garden Lanterns?
That Looks Fine, Martha
You Have to Roll With the Punches
This Is a New Ball Game
I Don't Want to See You
You Took Something From Me
You're a Pest. A Menace
I Don't Want Any Nonsense
Why Is It When Everyone Else Feasts
A Tragedy of This Magnitude
Over My Dead Body!
Holy Smokes! You Gotta Be Pretty Brave
You Couldn't Fire the Fatherly Feelings in Me
I Didn't Decree That We Wouldn't Have Children
I Would Have Been a Good Mother
It's 10:00, Martha
I Think the Little Rat
You Got Everything Figured Out
How Come You Ask So Many Questions?
You Know Why I'm Not Crying?
Yeah Take Dennis' Suitcase Up to the Guest Room, Please
Hey, Mr. Wilson!
Well, He Better Get Used to It
I Wouldn't Think You'd Be Much Good
He's Gonna Knot My Rope Once Too Often
It's Not Right That That Youngster of His
Now, Don't Make Me Out to Be a Grump
I'm Not Going to Mince Words
We Need a Phone Book. How Many Towns Can Sound Like That?
You Two Don't Get Along Too Well, Do You?
Why Did You Throw the Directions Out the Window?
He Called Me a Shithead and Punched the Car
I Hate Mess and I Hate Disorder
So the Man Is Dead and You Have His Wallet
Instead of Complaining, Why Don't You Look for a Telephone?
Help Me Figure Out a Reason to Get Up and Sit Next to Her
- if You Want to Talk - Talk. - Wait Till the Seat Belt Sign Is Off
Tell Me When It Hurts
Maybe We Could Stop and Get a Pair of Crutches Some Place
If We Go Down You Go Down With Us!
Mom Was Married Three Times
Stop Pointing Your Finger at Me and Yelling!
And Why Did You Take His Toupee?
What Are Two Wide Awake Girls Going to Do With One Hunky, Funny Guy?
I Haven't Seen You in Eight, Nine Years
Just Like My Third Husband, He Should Rest in Peace
Have You Got a Lawyer?
This Is the Biggest Goddamn DèJa Vu Anybody Has Ever Had!
Nothing Has Changed I'm Still a Pig You're Still a Human Vacuum Cleaner
Stop It She's Going to Think We Have Something Going
I Wish You the Best Felix
And I'm Not Going Back to New York
I'm Sorry Oz It's Just You Know
Tomorrow Night I'll Be Sleeping in My Own Bed
No Chance of You Moving Out Here?
George Herman Ruth, Sometimes Known as Babe Ruth
I Didn't Know How Long I Could Keep on Talking Like an Asshole
Get Your Nose Off My Nose Before I Sneeze Your Brains Into a Tiny Kleenex!
We Seem to Have a Lot in Common
Of All the Times I've Wanted to Choke You Throat, This Is the Worst!
Of All the Differences That We Have Ever Had
Oscar? I Really Have to Pee
The Wick Is Almost Out
Are You Crazy? Two Middle Aged Bikers
Oscar, if I Didn't Know Better
If Anyone Gets Tough, Just Show Him Your Underwear
Look at These Shorts I Could Be a Cocktail Waitress at a Crap Game
What the Hell Was That?
For a Minute I Thought I Saw Omar Sharif on a Camel
Los Pintos, Las Brisas, Los Pecos. Sound Familiar?
We Need to Have a Plan. Agreed?
They Probably Got Poisonous Spiders Here, Too
What Did You Lose an Old Met's T Shirt and a Half a Corned Beef Sandwich?
I Think I Know Where We Are
I'm Too Old to Hit but I Could Spit You to Death!
Oh You're Gonna Fax My Suitcase to Me?
Why Don't We Ask Budget to Deliver It?
It Took Us Two Hours to Get Here
Your 1927 Piece of Cardboard Is There, but My Suitcase Isn't
- I Don't Think So - What Do the Directions Say?
How Long Was I Asleep?
Didn't You Fix That Yet?
- Don't You Take Them With Water? - With the Local Water?
How Do You Know Which Ones to Take?
I Suppose You Never Have to Pee?
Make Out a Timetable, When You're Going to Eat, Pee
I Got to Eat
Somewhere Out There, I Know There Is a Right Woman for Me
We Keep This Up, I'll Be Living in Guatemala
Reading and Peeing Are Two Different Things
Are You the Waiter? What Do You Want?
We've Always Had Bad Chemistry We Mix Like Oil and Frozen Yogurt
But You Still Retain That Unique, Elusive, Pain in the Ass Quality
We Haven't Even Said Hello and I've Got a Broken Leg
Who Gets the Lemon Loaf Cake No Cholesterol No Fat No Taste?
Don't You Look at a Good Ass Anymore?
You Can Run Oscar but You Can't Hide
I'm Having a Dinner Party Friday Night We're Short One Man
This Guy Couldn't Lay Down a Carpet
What Crowd? We Could All Go Home in One Car
The Old Cockahs in the Stands Are Better Than the Young Cockahs on the Field
For Our Wedding Anniversary I Took Her to the New York vs. Detroit Hockey Game
I Put Order in This House
Getting a Clear Picture on Channel Two Is Not My Idea of Whoopee
What's the Matter? You Never Heard of a Triple Play?
The Only Man in the World With Clenched Hair!
Where Are You Going? To The John
You Leave Me Little Notes on My Pillow
I Was Just Repeating What I Thought You Said
We Don't Want Rings on the Table
I'll Be in the Way
I'm Trying to Clear Up My Ears
What? What Do You Say to a Man Who's Crying in Your Bathroom?
The Worst He Could Do Is Brush His Teeth to Death
This Is My House, Not A Pig Sty
What About Next Friday? You're Not Gonna Break Up the Game?
I Know Him He'll Kill Himself Just to Spite Me
Do You Know What He Was Planning for Friday's Game as a Change of Pace?
He's Out There Somewhere
I'm Telling You I'm Worried I Know Felix Is Going to Try Something Crazy
Is This How You Left Frances? No Wonder She Wanted Your Room Repainted
Let It Be On Your Head
Not in Other Words. Those Are the Perfect Ones
We're Getting an Annulment
First You Bleed, Then We'll Talk
I Was Dejected Despondent and Disgusted Then You Moved In
Have I Just Been Told Off? I Think I May Have Missed It
If You've Got Anything on Your Chest Besides Your Chin, Get It Off
Don't Point That Finger Unless You Intend to Use It
Everything You Do Irritates Me
Now Kindly Remove That Spaghetti From My Poker Table
It's 12 Floors Not 11
You're Not Gonna Make Any Effort to Change?
Is Everybody Happy?
Why Don't You Sleep With an Air Conditioner
It's Like Equatorial Africa on Our Side of the Building
Felix, I'd Like You to Meet Two Elevator Acquaintances of Mine
I'll Get a Saw and Cut the Meat
You Want to Talk Buddy? Put Down That Spoon
Well, You Asked My Advice
Because You Have To Make Gravy It Doesn't Come!
Who the Hell Do You Think I am the Magic Chef?
God Help Me
You Said You'd Be Home at 7 o'clock
Hey, You Think Mozart Goes Good With Meatloaf?
I'm Home, Dear!
I'll Take a Pill and Go to Sleep
It's Funny. I Haven't Thought of Women in Weeks
Are You Saying I Talk Too Much?
Sometimes We Read andSometimes We Talk
Why Don't You Live in a Closet?
You're a Hopeless Mental Case
You're Right. Everything You Say About Me Is Absolutely Right
Oscar, I'm Sorry
Well What You Do Is Worse You're Always Hanging Up My Towels
I Don't Think Two Single Men Living in a Big Apartment Should Have a Cleaner House Than My Mother!
I'm Not Through Dirtying Up for the Night
You Want to Play Poker, Deal the Cards. You Want to Eat, Go to a Delicatessen
It's Been Given the Good Housekeeping Seal of Approval
I'm Cooped Up Here With Mary Poppins 24 Hours a Day
Good Night, Frances
I'm Not Here
You Don't Have To Cook I Got Enough Potato Chips to Last a Year
For Crying Out Loud, I'm Proposing What Do You Want, a Ring?
I've Been One of the Highest Paid Sports Writers for 14 Years
Blanche Would Ask “When Do You Want Dinner?” I'd Say “I'm Not Hungry”
It Takes Two to Make a Rotten Marriage
You Can't Spend Your Life Crying It Annoys People in the Movies
You Walk and Talk and Cry and Complain
You're Not Nothing You're Something You're a Person
I Think I'm Crazy
12 Years of Marriage Down the Drain
Felix, Felix Felix, Felix
If Anything Happens, Oscar, Just Call Me
A Whole Bottle of Pills! My God! Get an Ambulance
He Wears His Seat Belt in Drive in Movies
Who Sends a Suicide Telegram?
He'll Go to Pieces I Know Felix He'll Try Something Crazy
Maybe He Had an Accident. If He's Laying in a Gutter, Who'd Know Who He Is?
A Corned Beef Sandwich and a Strawberry Malted?
Hello, Sweetheart. Yes, Darling
Life Goes on for Those Who Are Divorced, Broke and Sloppy
I'm a Cop, I Could Arrest the Whole Lousy Game
If You Need Money, How Come You Play Poker?
If You're My Accountant Then Why Do I Need Money?
I'm $800 Behind in Alimony! Let's Raise the Stakes
Don't Threaten Me With Jail Blanche Because It's Not a Threat
Yes I Got Your Letter
Lend Me $ 20 or I'll Tell Your Wife You're in Central Park Wearing a Dress
Hot Beer and Two Sandwiches Left Over From When You Went to High School
The Pot's Shy Who Didn't Put in a Quarter?
I Saw Milk Standing That Wasn't Even in a Bottle!
I Got Brown Sandwiches and Green Sandwiches
If I Wanted Nagging, I'd Go Back With My Wife
You Didn't Fix the Refrigerator? It's Been Two Weeks No Wonder It Stinks In Here
I'm In for a Quarter
Is Oscar Playing or Not?
11-Year-Old Girls Don't Go Out on Dates
Come on, Listen to Me. Once More With Feeling. First Base! Second Base!
No, Tanner, No! Everybody Watch This
Anyway, Your Brothers Will Understand. No, They Won't
Where Have You Been, You Crud? It's Been an Hour
How's the Vacuuming Coming, Toby?
When Are We Gonna Get Our Uniforms? I'm Working on It
When Are We Going to Get Our Uniforms?
All Season Long, You've Been Laughed at, Crapped On!
You Don't Have to Get Hit in the Back. Get Hit in the Arm or Legs
What Does This Game Mean to the Athletics? Ahmad?
What a Great Arm! Who Is That Kid Anyway?
Now on Friday We Play the White Sox
What's She Doing Now?
I Thought We Were Going to See Some Curves
We Got a Game With the Athletics Next Wednesday
Didn't I Pay for Your Math Tutor?
My Mom Says You Almost Ruined Me With That Sports Stuff
I Was Just Thinking of Your Boys, That's All. The Hell You Were
How's It Going, Ogilvie?
How Could You Possibly Strike Out Ted Williams?
There's Chocolate All Over This Ball
Dad Said You Played Pro Ball
I Am Kind of Fast, Huh?
If It's Yesterday You're Worried About, Blame Me
Now, Guys, Somebody's Gonna Pay for This Windshield
Let's Get Back to Basics
What's This? We're Celebrating
Hey Can't You Hold Off of That Until After Practice?
All I Know Is, When We Win a Game, It's a Team Win
Carl Paranski Number Six
There's Nothing Easy About Those Fly Balls, Ahmad