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Weeds - Season 2
Quotes and Sound Clips
You're The Little Shit Who Smashed My Muffin
Bitch, You About To Die
That's The Little Fucker Who Stole My Cameras
Ain't No Money, Fool! I'm A Fucking Criminal!
We Have To Make A Quick Stop In Paraguay First
It's Nice Titties
It's Called Due Diligent. It's Diligence
It's About Time. I Was Just About To Huff And Puff
What the Fuck, Little Piggies?
Yo, Motherfuckers, Anybody Home? Big Bad Wolf Coming In
Get The Fuck Out Of My Way
I Have No Respect For You Personally
Your Loss. She Fucks Like A Wild Animal
Some Of Us Like Watermelon. Some Of Us Got Big Dicks
You Coming In Real Time, Or Black-People Time?
Imagine How Much Of Me Was Inside Your Wife
Either You Control Your Woman, Or I Will
Motherfucking Let Him Motherfucking Speak!
If We Picture Agrestic as an Airplane
Greetings, Agrestic Elementary School, Class of 2006
Eat Your Fucking Waffle
I Hope You Peed Your Panties
Mom is Voldemort
Wow. You Look Very Handsome
Son Of A Bitch. Son Of A Cold Fucking Bitch
I Want To Lick The Space Where Your Toes Used To Be
You Are Bat-Shit Nuts Kat
I Haven't Forgotten How You Stabbed Me
I Stole 1.3 Million Dollars Worth Of Poker Chips
I Grow And Sell Marijuana
He's Just This Bounty Hunter. I Did Something Illegal
You're Crazy And We're Crazy Does Not Mean We're Related
Stop Being Such A Drama Queen
I Think This Is A Nonsmoking Room
Dana Won't Fuck Me But She's A Sweetheart
Why The Fuck Didn't You Do It?
I Mean, The Sex Is Fantastic
Nigga, We Got Guns
Thirty-Eight Fucking Pounds Of MILF Tomorrow Afternoon
If Conrad Ain't Tapping That Pussy, That's One Dumb Nigger
Why Don't You Take Your Shirt Off And Come Ball With Us?
It's a Motherfucking Lady, Nigga
What The Fuck Is That? Dap. Say Dap Again
Skanky Fucking Sister Gave Me Crabs
You Know This Bitch Tried To Fucking Light Me On Fire?
It's Not Easy Being A Girl, We Have A Lot Of Issues
Man, I'm Talking About Your Weak-Ass Shot!
I'm A Bussinesswoman. What Do You Want? Pussy?
But She Keeps Me On My Toes, All Eight Of Them
She stabbed me with an icicle
It's All Fucked Up But It's Never Boring
She Makes Me Crazy And She Makes Me Crazy
Conrad In It Up To His Bald Fucking Head
Fuck You. I Drive A Prius
Big Companies Pumping Toxic Shit In The Air
You Getting The Shakedown From Mr. Federal Agent?
Buy Our Harvest
And Despite The Fact That You Threatened To Kill Me
If You Haven't Slept With Some Else By Now
It's Our One-Week Anniversary
Who Cares? Let's Get Drunk!
You Are So The Kind Of Guy This Stuff Happens To
It's Official. You've Lost Your Mind
I'm Leaving You. The Marriage Is Over. I Want A Divorce
Did You Sleep In The Guest Room?
If You Prefer Prison To Giving Up Your Payday
Every Goddamn Last Penny
Beacuse I'm Agent Wonder Bread
To Be Just Another Dead Nigger Drug Dealer
There Are 370 Billionaires In This Country
What Viagra Was For Pfizer, MILF Weed Could Have Been For Us
Having This Great Big Boat And No Lake To Sail It
I'm Sick Of Living In A Fuckless Marriage
She's A Fool To Reject You. You Are An Awesome Lay
Why Are We Still Sneaking Around
I Mean We Can't Keep Fucking In Motel Rooms
We Can't Keep Doing This
Nothing Happened. Mom Kicked Him Out After 15 Minutes
I'll Have Her Put Down
Why Is Your Lunatic Girlfriend Still In My House?
Pussycat Having A Nosebleed?
Are You Attracting Lesbian Vampires?
The Human Body Is Very Flexible
I'm Helping My Sister-in-Law. I'm Getting My Shit Together
Hey, Thanks For The Dick
Is That Lippman Naked?
You've Had Too Much To Drink
He's Too Stoned To Drive
I'm Not Here To Replace Him. I Just Want To Sleep With Your Mom
The Thing With Paella Is You Have To Be Here To Cook It
He's a premature ejaculator
Abumchuk Was Very Upset With You
Permafuck, A Journal Of Spirit Rape
I Drove Till I Hit The Interstate 5
Are You The Crazy Chick From Alaska Who Tried To Kill My Uncle?
I Admit I Have A Problem. I'm Going Cold Turkey
It's A Bad Job For A Danger Junkie
You Love Him? Agent Wonder Bread
You Done Dug Yourself A Pit A Mile Deep And A Foot Wide
Moves Mean You Think Things Through. You Have Been Reacting
Years married, that's girl math
It's My Anniversary Today. He Forgot
Tell Me, Agent, Where's The Next Big Bust?
Sit On His Face With Roses Up Your Snatch Five Nights A Week
Yeah, That's What Happens When You Get Raided
This Is Where You Find Out Who You Are
He Always Did Have A Thing for Pinatas
Get Your Ass Back There And Watch Willy Fucking Wonka!
Stop Playing The Dead-Dad Card!
You're Insane! He's A Fucking DEA Agent!
FDR Stood For Formal Dining Room
This Isn't All Some Scheme
I Have Condoms In My Desk. Fuck The Condoms
I Never Realized There Was Such A Method To Your Madness
Twenty-Eight Dollars For Fucking Crunchy Pancakes
He Bought Them From The Town And Rents Them Back To Us
I'm Never Getting Married. It's Death
He Did Everything Right, A Mother's Dream
Hamidrash L'Torah, And That Happens To Be Tax-Deductible
I'd Like To Double-Check Those Numbers
You Should Bring Some Vodka To The Council
Everything That Happens In Government Is Motivated By Self-Interest
City Council Is Pretty Much The Only Thing In My Life
They Hate Me! They Hate Me!
How About We Put This To A Vote?
Could You Stop With The Fucking Spotlight?
Go Play With Your Dinghy!
Buy A Fucking Slip In The Marina, Captain Cheap-Ass
You're Not in Charge Here Anymore, Wilson
A Family Room Does Not Have Concrete Floors
That's Complete Bullshit
Go, Drugs! Rah! Rah! Rah!
They Think He's Cool Ever Since He Took Up Your Cause
What Does Kicking Ass Entail?
Who Kicks Ass? I Totally Kick Ass
You Want To Take Isabelle's Hard-Earned Dollars
I'm Not Gonna Kiss You Until I Get My Braces Off
For 10 Full Minutes, I Don't Want To Hear No Noise
Don't Say, Ain't. Ain't Is a Slave Word
The Enemy Of My Enemy Is My Friend
Well, You Have A Nice Fucking Day
Mail In The Marriage Certificate. Be My Wife
Drug Dealer's Not A Career
I'm a Drug Dealer
Refrain From Addressing Our Women Directly
Kindly Curtail Your Vulgarity In Our Presence
You Got To Dig The Worms To Catch The Big Fish
All Women Are Evil, Lying Bitches
She's Doing Laundry With Some Black Guy
I Say Forget Her. We Start Our Own Business
I May Not Be Some Brainiac, But I Know Weed
I Understand Business. I Am An Entrepreneur
Unless You Have No Job, No Girlfriend, Eight Toes
Where's Our Fucking Pie? Life Sucks
Sucks When the Pie Gets Eaten Right In Front Of You
Is It True You Have A Drinking Problem, Councilwoman Hodes?
Who's This Barbie Girl? Is She Hot?
You Wanted To Be On Your Own
Give Me Three Pounds Of That Fucking MILF Weed
You're A Little Piggy
You Lied To Me. You Took Business From Me
We Like Our Women Dressed Like Fucking Beekeepers
I Think It's A Jehovah's Witness
Him And A White Bitch
Cause I Started You And I'll Finish You And I Need To Hear It
The Strain Is Called MILF. MILF Weed
I Seen Your Gangster Ass Playing Violin In Your Grandmama's House
You Getting Soft In Your Old Age Or Something?
U-Turn, Why The Fuck Ain't I Got This New Weed?
I Ain't Louis No More. Call Me U-Turn
She's Studying That Cosmonology
And I Hear There's A New Strain Out There That Everybody Wants
I Think Drugs Should Be Legal
She's Trying To Make Agrestic A Drug-Free Zone
Do You Really Think You Deserve Anything After What You Did Today?
Global Warming Is Just God's Will
There's Global Warming
The Range Rover Was Obnoxious
The Right-Hand Diamond Is Very Popular These Days
You Kicked Ass. You Took Hodes Out
Wow, My Sweat Smells Like Peanuts
You Do Drugs! You Do Drugs!
Isn't Being Drunk Like Being On Drugs? Isn't Alcohol A Drug?
You Do Drugs
I've Seen You Drunk At My House
What About Our Rights to Privacy?
People Behave Better When They Know They're Being Watched
I'm Putting My Big Foot Down on Drugs!
I Will Be Installing Surveillance Cameras
All Of Agrestic Will Become A Drug-Free Zone
First Time Somebody's Paid Me For Weed
Do You Know What You Are? You Are A Hater
Wearing 500 Bucks Worth Of Human Hair Extensions From India
MILF Weed? This Shit Is About To Get Wild
This Is A Place Of Business And I Got Work To Do
Snoop Dogg Raps About MILF Weed
I Want You To Pump The Music Up While I Talk About This Good Weed
That Is That Mother-Fucking Milf Weed
I Would Definitely Do You
You Got A Bong Up In Here, Man?
I'm Just Another Certified Public Asshole
I Think God Has A Different Plan For Me
Oh, I Don't Believe In Painkillers
Don't Be Such A Pussy. Just Go Up And Talk To Her
Wanna Have Sex?
That Idiot's Going To Win
I'll Buy You A Beer With My Fake Id
If You'd Brought In The Toes, Been Able To Reattach Them
I Can't Go Home Stoned
I Am Making Agrestic A Drug-Free Zone
You're Going To Have To Stop Smoking Pot
One Hit Takes The Shit And Rolls It Back
Everything Important Into A Duffle Bag?
I've Got Pot. Amazing Pot
Now It Is Time For Some Serious Soul Searching
Who Am I? Yesterday, I was Councilman Doug
That Dog Should Have Bitten Your Dick Off!
You Scrawny, Selfish Little Pig
I Thought You Had Ruach. I'm Filled With It!
I Can't Spend All Day In Bed Like Some People
I Won. I Fucking Won
I'll Keep My Concession Speech Short, Fuck You
It Came Down To Three Lousy Votes
Letting Me Pitch Instead Of Catch This Time
Hated Your Father When I First Met Him
Starbucks, Costplus And Ben & Jerry's
Celia Hodes has Chlamydia
My Name Is Not On The Fucking Ballot
Prohibits Any Candidate From Campaigning
Your Wife's A Cheating Whore
Where's My Name? My Name's Not On The Ballot!
I Was Like Hitler In Munich
When She Kicks The Shit Out Of Your Heart, I'll Buy You A Beer
I've Never Even Spoken To Her. I've Only Kicked Her
You Made Her Totally Lose Her Shit
When Is He Going To Be Able To Go Home?
Is He A Dancer, Professional Athlete or Foot Model?
Dog Ate Two Toes Before Sanjay Stuck A Finger Up His Ass
You Couldn't Get Into Traffic School With Those Scores
That Bitch Ate My Toes
Somebody Stick Their Finger Up His Ass!
Man, Get That Beast the Fuck Out of Here
Your Holier-Than-Thou Bullshit
I Love Show Business
Why Risk Your Whole Fucking Career, Man?
Kill All The Lawyers
Stop Being A Pussy
You're Not A Lady. You Don't Act Like A Lady
Your Hostility Hangs Thick In The Air
I Have To Fuck You
That's Bullshit. The Money's Mine
You Can Buy The Sports Car When You're 47 And Bald
I Think Pot-Smoking Is Basically a Victimless Crime
Coke And Meth Are Dangerous Drugs That Destroy Lives
Why Is It That All You Gay Men Hate Women So Much?
Who Gives An 11-Year-Old Blow-Job Lips?
If You Add A Little Volume To The Hair, She Won't Look Like A Pinhead
Excuse Me. The Hair Is All Wrong
Why Do You Never Know When To Shut Up?
I'd Get Passed Around Prison Like A Loose Joint
Houseful Of Weed Is Like A Dime Bag
What The Fuck Happened?
Jade Took Me Into A Room And Told Me To Take Off My Pants
You're High Already. It's Not Even 4:20
Be My Fucking Friend!
Well I Hope Grandma Is On That List
Why Do You Have a Home-Pregnancy Test?
Nobody Likes Your Wife. You Don't Even Like Her
Perfect Gift to Get My Wife So I Got Her A Neighborhood
The Armenians Cut the Electrical Cables
I Promise To Be Everything That Doug Wilson Is Not
You Lay A Hand On My Kid Again, I Will Kill You
She Was The Blowjob Queen Of Dewey Street
Your Son's A Fucking Loser
Your Son Fucking Stabbed Me
Doug, You Think It's The Circuit Breaker?
Take A Shit On One Of Those Make-A-Wish Cancer Kids
You Know, You Turn Out the Lights, You Crawl Into Bed
Shane's Going Through Changes. He's Experimenting
At Hamidrash Latorah
A Morally Bankrupt Degenerate
What Kind of Man Would Take a Prepubescent Boy to a Massage Parlor?
My Uncle Liked Cindy, But I Had Jade
Shut Up! No Way!
Silas Got His Girlfriend Pregnant. Doggie Style
Hire the Guys Outside of Home Depot to Move Us?
We Just Opened Up A Burger King in The Middle Of Fucking Mcdonald's
These Are Our Pot-Growing Armenian Neighbors
I'm Comfortable In My Skin
I'm Getting a Corn-Syrup Contact High Just Sitting Here
Three Weeks Ago In My Room. Doggie Style
Slamming Me Up Against A Wall And Fucking Me Until I Come
Things With Wifey Slowing Down
Motherfucker Is Serious About His Business
Megan's Pregnant And Were Keeping It
I Have No Problem With The Negroes
Shot in the Ass by a Meth Freak With a Nail Gun
Against wall and fucking me until I come like a volcano
Someone Who Can Grow a Beard
Are You A Chubby Chaser Or Something?
Are You Available for Marriage?
Everything Is All Fine When You Bring Another Woman Into Bed
Israeli Men Are Very Macho
He Want a Happy Finish for Little Boy. Inappropriate
You Don't Bring A Little Boy In Here
Do You Have Any Student Discounts?
I Got a Date in a Few Hours
Eighty Dollars And A Generous Tip Says She Will
What the Fuck's a Segway?
Win the Pulitzer Prize You Know How Much Pussy You're Going To Get?
Everyone In My Grade Has Already Gotten A Hand Job
How Do You Ask The Woman That Makes Your Kids' Lunches
Oh. Cash Over Ass, Huh? Cash Equals Ass
I'm Filing a Wrongful Termination Suit
Fucking Fuckers Fucks!
Loser With the Body Shape of a Cadbury Egg
Maybe Strangers Won't Ask You To Model Plus Size Fashion
My Daughter Is Not Modeling Fat Clothes
Like The Rest Of America, Most Of Them Won't Vote
Grow Hydroponic Gourmet Organic Lettuces
You Can Have A Lovely Time Tugging The Tiger
Talk to Shane About Jerking Off
I Went Through Chemo. Plus I'm Low Blood Sugar
Tissues, perfectly acceptable backstop for all that Creamy Italian
I'm Not Going To Beat Around The Bush
Gathered Here Today to Join These Two Hound Dogs
I'm Gonna Go Home and Ice My Beaver
Practice Makes Perfect. So Work On Your Control Now
It Reduces Stress. It Enhaces Immune Function
Polishing The Raised Scepter Of Love
In Bed, a Soft T-Shirt, Perhaps A Downy Towel
Tug Your Thomas on the Toilet, Shoot Right Into the Bowl
In My Opinion, the Best Lube Is Lube
Warm Up the Peel in the Microwave
Step One, Peel the Banana
More lubricated flak catchers, specifically bananas
Stick to your dick head like a fucking Band-Aid
That eliminates the need for a goo glove
What Do I Do WIth All That Pearl Jam
Jerk The Gherkin End Up With Sticky White Stuff
Just No Sucker Punches to the Stomach
You're Taking Pussy to a Whole New Level
You're the Conrad Who Fucked My Wife
Just Never Order Turkish Coffee in an Armenian Restaurant
What's Wrong With My Penis?
Have You Noticed Any Changes With Your Penis?
Have You Noticed Any Changes With Your Penis?
He's Probably Been Flushing His Jerk Socks Down the Toilet
Are You Ready to Stop Being an Asshole?
Too Many Aspirin Can Give You Bleeding Ulcers
What's the Story Behind Yael?
My Brother Judah Dropped Dead
He Was My Commanding Officer in the Israeli Army
Anyway, You Married, Dating, Living in Sin?
Uh, I'm Doing an Article for the School Paper
That Bitch Will Outlive Us All
Oh, I Went Through Chemo. Oh, Me Too
Talk to the Muscles. Fuck My Muscles
And to Be Winner, You Must Be Thinner
No Looky-Loos, Just Doey-Dos
You Don't Want to Be the Fattest Girl at Fat Camp This Summer
A man, a plan, a canal, Panama, It's A Palindrome
What If This Is Just All An Act You Put On To Nail Dealers?
The Alcohol Flushes Me, Gives a Natural Blush
You're Adorable When You're Looped
How Can A Scorpion Sting Through A Hard Shell
We're Like That Story, the Scorpion and the Turtle
You're A DEA Agent, Natural Enemies
No Offense, Nancy, But You're Way Below My Radar
So When I Come Across a Suburban Widow Dealing Dime Bags
It's Our Job To Go After Every Single Drug Dealer
There Are Only 400 Dea Agents in the Entire World
I'm Glad That Our Last Name Isn't Drew
There's This Kid at My School Who Always Picks His Nose
Go Take Jay Cousin to the Other Room and Clean Him Up
I Thought I Told Y'all Niggas to Shut the Fuck Up!
Will You Niggas Shut the Fuck Up?
I'm Dropping Out Of School And Moving To New Jersey
Dick Cheney Has a Lesbian Daughter
Look Like A Warm And Maternal Public Figure
I graduated magna cum loudly
I saw up the admission director's skirt today
Well, I Have Many Layers. I'm Like lasagna
Why Are You Writing It in the Girls' Bathroom?
The High Is Cerebral and Clear
California Strain With White Rhino Backcrossed
Oaxacan Sativa With Afghani Indica
I Hate You and I Hope You Get Hit by a Truck
My wife is fucking a Polish guy?
No Wonder Your Wife Prefers to Fuck a Pole
Oh, Who Let in Cancer Cunt?
Do You Know Who Hit Me? Is She One of Your Maid Friends?
The Neighbors Have This New Fucking Yappy Dog
I Never Should Have Worn These Fucking Heels
Kids Are Supposed to Get Beat Up on the Way to Hebrew School
I Liked the Part Where the Hebrew School Bully
I'm Going to Iraq. I'm Gonna Die
Megan! I Don't Think She Heard You
I Got Into Princeton Because I'm Smart and I Work Hard
I Got Into Princeton. It's An Ivy League School
We'll buy some shrimp poppers, and a hockey game
Any Loan Officer Is Gonna Know You Want To Grow Some Booya
This Would Be a Whole Lot Easier if We Had the Black Dude
The Mecca Of Marijuana
It's the Promised Land of Pot
The black dude had our genetics
California restaurants employ kitchen help of Latin descent
They Cook With Jesus
In-N-Out Is Independently Owned by Religious Nuts
That's a bowl of bullshit with chip scraps
It's Too Spicy, And It Never Looks Clean In There
That Fucking Rat Dog Is Giving Me a Migraine
What About Quinn? Isn't She a Member of This Family?
You Didn't Tell Me She Couldn't Sleep Over
When Can I Have Grown Up Juice? When You Have A Daughter
So I'm Guessing No Breakfast?
Celia Hodes, It's Time For Change
You Can Push Him Out Your House
Conrad's Talking to Me and He's Not Supposed To
So It Looks Like Your Employee Was Firing Up an Oven
The bakery is on fire
Being A Jew Means I Have No Foreskin
If I Write Well, I'll Be Accepted Into Rabbinical School
Writing About What Being a Jew Means to Me
We're Gonna Be a Family if I Have to Kill All of You!
You Will Rue the Day
Dad Can't Say Fuck, But You Can Say Pussy?
Can take this pussy party somewhere else
Thank You, Compadre
Don't Call Me a Child. I'm A Civic Leader
I'm City Councilman Doug!
That's Grown Up Juice
He Thinks I'll Go Lesbo On Him
Stripper Fitness Class?
Yeah, That's Retarded
And Don't Think Once You Start Pumping
He Out Buying Me a Breast Pump
You About to Lose Your Panini
Now, You Pushed Him Out Your Hooch
Just Don't Be His Bitch
You Need To Smack Some Sense Into That Boy
We the Original NPR, Negroes Preaching Right
You Guys Are Better Than NPR
Family Dinner Is Like Super Glue
And I'm Wearing a Bra So Stop Looking For My Nipples
I'm Begging You. This Is the End of the Road for Me
Have To Look For Another Rabbinical School
Israeli Snap! Resiliency Is Another Excellent Rabbinic Trait
That's A Wonderful Quality In A Rabbi
I Know All The Baruch Atahs Already
And as Far as the Hebrew Goes, I'm a Really Quick Study
My Whole Life's Been Leading Up to This
Show That Asshole That He Can't Treat People Like Shit
You Should Run for City Council
You Need to Get Laid
And I Just Got Humiliated at City Council
Great Article About Injecting Human Growth Hormone to Stay Young
Want a Shot of Jack in That?
Vegetarian pigs in the blanket are bullshit
I Want To Go Home And Watch The Game And Drink A Little Bit
So I Pay My Taxes So You Can Have a Kitchen?
We're Renovating This Chamber Here
You Think This Is About Your Arrogant Ass
You Have Stepped in Shit
My Kid Bit His Kid's Foot in Karate
I'm Not Going to Jail for You. Fuck This. I'm Out
Did I Mention I Slept With a DEA Agent Last Night?
Why Do You Get to Call Nancy Baby and I Don't?
Fire Chief Is Better at Investigating Arson
Sneaky Arson Plot Behind Them Crazy Eyes?
She Shot Me in the Leg and I Am Afraid of That Woman Now
Shes hot me in the leg
I Want My Kids to Fear Me
They Didn't Do Much Sleeping
My Name Is Mom, or Mommy Dearest
If I Married a Non-Jew I Couldn't Go To Rabbinical School
You Have No License? Are You Even Legal?
They Didn't Cut You Off After the Seventh Chai Latte
I Need a Goodbye Kiss Or I'll Feel Cheap And Used
They're Not Like Fred Flintstone Feet
Weeds - Season 2