Bob: I have a couple of prizes to show you, beginning with what!? Announcer: How about a new toaster and stylish luggage!

And finally Joy how about. . . . a new car!

Alright, now you have the 3, the 0, and the 9 left. Go ahead - 9, 0, no - you've won!

Actual retail price of your showcase. . .

Actual retail price, $800, winner Josh!

"Here's a fax from Cooter in Orlando…'In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only trying to retrieve the gerbil, Eric Tomaszewski told bemused doctors in the Severe Burns Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital. Tomaszewski, and his homosexual partner Andrew 'Kiki' Farnum, had been admitted for emer...

"And I want, and I need, and I know, Animal"

Man: "hello." Arnold: "Good morning. How are you?" Man: "Can I help you?" Arnold: "I want to ask you a bunch of questions and I want you to answer them immediately." Man: "Yeah, yeah, yeah." Arnold: "Stop it. I'm a cop you idiot." Man: "What you copulated?"

"What the hell is going on here? Isn't this the last hour. We've got another hour to do? Geesh I thought we were almost finished. Good jolly miss molly."

"Ask not what you can do for your country, but what your country can do for you, but "

"For the land of the free, and the homeof the brave."

"Frosty realized that Karen had to get out of that car as soon as possible."

"Are you cold Karen? Now that's a silly question. You wouldn't be sneezing if you weren't cold, would you?"

"Then he got an idea. An awful idea. The Grinch got a wonderful, awful idea."

"Oh the noise, noise, noise, noise, noise. There's one thing I hate, all the noise, noise, noise, noise!"

There was never yet an uninteresting life. Such a thing is an impossibility. Inside of the dullest exterior there is a drama, a comedy and a tragedy~Mark Twain

"Ahh... sorry... I didn't hear you... I was staring at your breasts."

"Booh. We want a leader not a loser. 5 and 19. 5 and 19 is not what we need... any of them. Any of those guys would be better!"

"What is this? An Abbott and Costello routine?"

"I'm Cosmo Kramer: The Assman"

"How much can one duck take? A whole week without caffeine."

"something that made me want to get a membership at her Y."

"OOoO! A wise guy - Nyak Nyak."

"How odd, a joke at my expense."

"A star."

"Prepare to activate (boom noises)"

"Wait a minute! You're naked under there?"

"But out of that a new holiday was born... A Festivus for the rest of us!"

Su-Chin: "All babies want to get borned. All babies want to-- God appreciates your miracle!"

"Ah ha!"

"Are you a man? Or are you a mouse? I am a gentleman. Oh no."

"AAAAHHH!"

Diane : "Hello? ... Sam? ...Are you Sam? Yes, he's here. Someone named Vicki." Sam: "No, no, no."

Cliff: "I'm ashamed God made me a man." Carla: "I don't think God's doing a lot of bragging about it either."

Sam: "You are the nuttiest, the stupid, the phoniest fruitcake I ever met." Diane: "You, Sam Malone, are the most arrogant, self-centered --" Sam: "Shut Up! Shut your fat mouth." Diane: "Make me." Sam: "Make you? My God, I'm, I'm gonna, I'm gonna bounce you off every wall in this office." Diane: "Try it and you...

"People who do that should be arrested!"

"Talk amongst Yourselves"

"Is it getting chilly in here or are you wearing an anatomically-correct bra?"

Original theme by Vonda Shepard

Mr. Van Dreesen: "What that awful smell?" Butthead: "Oh yea, after it stopped growing Beavis fertilized it." Beavis: "Oh Yea."

"And so he says to me ... YEA BABY I wanna be bad!"

"Ah, but remember, a fiend in need is a fiend indeed."

"Awww, shut up your mouth!"

"Alright."

"Anybody can do it."

Nina Van Horn: "Guess what I have!" Dennis Finch: "Why? Are they baffled down at the clinic?"

"Tim I am stunned! You mean you couldn't control that animal drive?"

"I always.. did.. love you."

"Need a new atlas? Come to AtlasKing where maps rule."

"Have you tried the new aerosol cheese? Mmmm, it's cheese-o-rific!"

"As I shall be known from now on... The Black Vegetable."

"A chat with you and somehow death loses its sting."

"A fate worse than a fate worse than death... That's pretty bad."

"Aarrrgghh."

"Arr, arr, arr."

"Adios Amigos"

"You couldn't score in a monkey whorehouse with a bag of bananas."

"Hey, are you listening to me, Hey Meathead!"

"Certainly all them surgeons are highway robbers. Why do you think they wear masks when they operate?"

"Ah, he's all right. Just a little indigestion, comes from eating his own words."

"Straight out, N - O , a flat no dice!"

"Maybe a step back will help you take a step forward."

"A classic approach to the problem, if I do say so myself."

"Is it getting chilly in here or are you wearing an anatomically correct bra?"

"Well, there you have it folks. Another happy ending from the good people at Jimmy James Incorporated."

"Oh, alright then."

"Adios muchacho."

"Ahh, come on man. Help a brother out."

"Alright bubble-boy."

"A Festivus, for the rest of us."

A series of cusses by the cast

Bobby: "You know that you can beat a breathalyzer by sucking on activated charcoal tablets?" Polly: "Really, maybe we should change our campaign to "If you must drink and drive, suck charcoal."" Nick: "Yeah, but don't the police wonder why you're sucking on charcoal?" Bobby: "There's no law against charcoal." Polly,...

Joey: "Why did you tell that reporter all your secrets?" Nick: "You're too young to understand." Joey: "Mom says it's because you have dependency issues and it was all just a matter of time before you threw it all away on some tramp." Nick: "Well, that's one theory."

Mrs. Kaludis: "Fredrick, didn't you hear me?" Warlock: "All Baltimore heard you, Ma!"

"I'm gonna turn around with a great smile, and walk my white ass back across 8 Mile."

"Once you open your door to one person anyone can come in."

"Avada Kedavra!"

"Alastor Moody. Ex-Auror, Ministry malcontent, and your new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. I'm here because Dumbledore asked me. End of story, goodbye, the end."

"Ding, A, T and T."

"Do you know who the best player in the game is? Me Mars Blackmon. And I'm way above the rim demonstrating some serious hang time. Very serious. Do you know I get up for my game? Do you know? Do you know? Do you know? That's right. Air Jordan, Air Jordan, Air Jordan. Mike what's up? Money money why you wanna do tha...

"Alright then."

"Oh, it's all sticky."

"Dad! Dad! Are you wrestling in here? Dad, are you in here?"

"A taco revolution? I am there."

Mars: "Yo, Mars Blockmon here with my main man Michael Jordan on the speed dial. Yo money it’s me. You're gonna retire, gonna quit? So long? Farewell? Good bye? For good?"

"Action Masters. Who will join me, who will give up the power to transform to become stronger, faster and more alive. I will. Count me in. Transformer Action Masters are incredibly detailed action figures. Action Masters! Action! It's alive, alive! Action Masters. But the evil Decepticons steal the power and be...

Should old acquaintance be forgot, and never brought to mind? Should auld acquaintance be forgot, And days of auld lang syne? For auld lang syne, my dear, For auld lang syne! We'll take a cup of kindness yet, For auld lang syne. And there's a hand, my trusty friend, And gives a hand of thine! We'll tak...

Should old acquaintance be forgot, and never brought to mind? Should auld acquaintance be forgot, And days of auld lang syne? For auld lang syne, my dear, For auld lang syne! We'll take a cup of kindness yet, For auld lang syne.