"So nice today earlier in Central Park I saw a rat doing Tai Chi. Honest to God!"
"Here at CBS you can sure tell it's autumn. Earlier today they were raking Andy Rooney's eye brows."
"Uh, you know the story. This is wacky, OJ is n Las Vegas for a friend's wedding. Really? I mean that part is a little wacky."
"Should I just overpay for a pastry at Starbucks?"
"And then later in Central Park I saw a nut gathering squirrels."
"Rosie is really, really promoting this book. She wants it to do quite well. Earlier today she was at Barnes and Noble for a book signing and arm wrestling. So you can go over there…are you satisfied with the grip."
"Uh, the General testified yesterday before the senate and after listening to him Senator Larry Craig said: 'I'm feeling a surge of my own.'"
"Attention ... Attention."
"Sorry ah, I just ate a big meal. My doctor says I have to wait atleast 3 hours before swimmin or humping so…don't wait up."
"I think that they are a good team but as I've said before they're playing on adrenaline now."
"Do you think Al Davis would kick it out of bounds. Or will Al Davis say the quarterback or the return man is going go down and go down hard."
"You're a quarterback for the Dallas Cowboys. My phrase is; 'There's always another train coming'."
"I'm sorry about that, it's gonna happen from time to time. I don’t know when it's coming on, it's an Anchor man thing."
"Lets not talk to me about the business Paul, I was in Quantum Leap."
"I'm gonna say something, and I mean this, I hope you writers get ass cancer and die."
"A woman in Minnesota wants to file abuse charges against a friend who was pet sitting for her pot belly pig and allowed the animal to get fat. I'm not legal expert but here's how I think that case will go, what kind of pig…case dismissed."
"Here's another gay scene that ended up on the cutting room floor."
"Well you heard it here first from J.K. all wizards are gay."
"It doesn't matter. You're half Mexican. If you say something is anti-Hispanic, it's anti-Hispanic."
"According to a new poll, Hilary Clinton now leads Rudy Giuliani 51 percent to 43 percent. This has caused the former mayor to appear at campaign sound bites with dust on his shoulders and wearing a surgical mask somewhere near his right chin and going ‘What happened? Call the cops? Am I on camera? Does this make me...
Colonist 2: "[Guitar sounds]Ye have no lute yet you play as if ye hath one." John Stone: "It's an air lute man."
"What we do know is that John Stone deserves his place in history as America's first colonist."
"And now, a visit with former Vice President Al Gore."
"I don't talk much about this one. It's an adult video news award. And I should point out I shared it with four other people. It's for best group sex scene from the adult version of 'An Inconvenient Truth'."
"According to a new study, Strippers earn more in tips in the week before they menstruate than any other time. Which begs the question: 'Who gave dirty Lou a research grant?'."
"The Diamondbacks vs. the Colorado Rockies, I'm pretty sure one of 'em is a hockey team. Which one? You'll have to watch to find out."
"The following is an address from the all but certain to be next president of the United States, Hilary Rodham Clinton."
"Other dog foods may be more nutritious, but Angry Dog has something special. It's powerful combination of synthetic testosterone and 7 psychoactive drugs go right to your dogs brain like a perfect touchdown pass leaving it excitable, on edge, combative, with a defiant chip on it's shoulder and quick to respond with...
"I have tried to make the show as black as possible to cater to the Black-e T channel audience."
"Nike has created the new Air Native N7, a sneak designed especially for the wider feet of Native Americans. So are we cool now?"
"George Rieveschl, known for inventing Benadryl, died in Cincinnati at the age of 91. The family has asked that you send anything but flowers."
Arianna & Craig: "U-G-L-Y, you ain't got no alibi, you ugly, hey hey, you ugly, wooo!"
Kramer: "Hey neighbor." Jerry: "Are you reading my VCR manual?" Kramer: "Well we all can't read the classics, Mr. High Brow."
Kramer: "All right, everybody! I'm back!" Manager: "Who are you?" Kramer: "Cosmo Kramer.. strikes over." Manager: "Oh yeah! Kramer". Kramer: "Huh.. wha- Didn't any of the guys come back?" Manager: "NO, I"m sure they all got jobs.. like, ten years ago." Kramer: "Oh, man. Makes you wonder what it was all for.." Manage...
Frank: "Many Christmases ago, I went to buy a doll for my son. I reach for the last one they had - but so did another man. As I rained blows opon him, I realized there had to be another way!" Kramer: "What happened to the doll? Frank: "It was destroyed. But out of that, a new holiday was born. 'A Festivus for the re...
"But out of that, a new holiday was born. A Festivus for the rest of us!"
Ernie: "Are ya ready Bert?" Bert: "Huh?" Ernie: "I say, are ya ready Bert?"
"Yeah, oh goodie, a whole afternoon of nice-nice."
"Well... Aren't you something."
"The only thing worse than a liar is a bad liar."
"It's all in the past... Now let's forget all that and talk about something else."
"Is it okay to fuck one guy while you're pregnant with another guy's baby?"
"Nice. A little skyrockets in flight, afternoon delight."
"Oh, my God! Are you okay??"
"Are you ready to rock!"
Kyle: "Dude, I totally miffed that middle part. Did you see that?" Stan: "Yeah dude, that's almost impossible."
Dragon: "Catch me. Come on." Stan: "Oh god damn it dad. Get off our Xbox." Randy: "Hang on I almost caught the dragon."
"Alright mom, bitch, ass, bitch!"
"I guess you might have noticed my awkward ticks. Asshole! Pussy asshole!"
"Good morning Mr. Mackey. Ass pussy!"
"Hello Mrs. Garrison. Ass! Ass!"
"Finally my wish of going public with my illness can come true. God damn Jews, suck my ass barf."
"And this isn't scotch, it's apple juice."
"What I meant to say was ass licker, cum balls."
"Oh, excuse me, I must be getting another award."
"My little crap has accomplished many things. But he could never shed the fact that he was really a number 2."
"Alright butthole, where's the gold?"
Mayor of Imaginationland: "Hop aboard kids, I have something to show you." Butters: "Ahh, are you going to rape us?" Mayor of Imaginationland: "Ahh... No." Butters: "Oh alright then." Stan: "Come on guys." Butters: "Watch it fellas. I'm pretty sure this guy wants to rape us."
"No, no you can't blow up the barrier. Are you insane?!"
Terrorists: "Allah!" Rockety: "No, no!"
"All data coming on screen."
"When I go home and my wife asks 'Who was with ya?', I'll say a queer that ran around bare-assed half of the time.
Gareth: "I'm Gareth Keenan, Assistant Regional Manager." David: "Assistant to the regional manager. Gareth is my right hand man. Immediately underneath me. Isn't that said to a bishop? No he's not."
David Brent: "This is Sanj, this guy does the best Ali G impersonation, Aiiieee. I can't do it, go on, do it." Sanj: "I don't, must be someone else." David Brent: "Oh, sorry, it's the other one..." Sanj: "The other what... Paki?" David Brent: Ah, that's racist."
"And that's actually one of the major arguments against letting gay men into the army. And I haven't got a problem with that, right. A gay man's not gonna put me off, I can look after myself. But if you're in battle is he gonna be looking at the enemy or at me, going Ooh... he looks tasty in his uniform."
"People go, 'Why is it important, a question about Mr. Spock?' Oh, I go, 'It's like saying I've got a new pedigree dog breed. It's half Alsatian, half Labrador'. I go on to Crufts, I go, 'Can I enter this dog in the Labrador section?' 'No.' 'Why?' 'Because it's not a Labrador.' 'Correct.' 'Can I enter it in the Alsa...
David: "In fact, a postage stamp is legal tender. A bus driver would have to accept that as currency." Tim: "Yeah that would happen." David: "Well if that happens, report him." Tim: "Yeah I'll report him when I'm walking home." Gareth: "You could take a taxi if you had enough stamps." David: "Shouldn't have to."
Gareth: "Well you're going to need a manager." David: "Well I'll probably manage myself, you know." Gareth: "I could be your assistant manager." David: "You could be assistant to the manager."
Gareth: "Get his wife to help." Tim: "He doesn't have a wife." Gareth: "All farmers have wives." Tim: "This one doesn’t, he’s gay." Gareth: "Well then, he shouldn’t be allowed near animals should he!"
Angela: "You already did me." Michael: "That's what she said."
"Jim Halpert said there was an abandoned infant in the women's room. When I went to save the child I saw Meredith on the can."
"Aids is not funny. Believe me, I have tried."
"I hope to someday live in a world where a person could tell a hilarious Aids joke. It's one of my dreams."
"Hey you know what? If luck weren't involved, I would always be winning."
"Because an office can't function efficiently unless people are at their desks doing their jobs."
"I love camping, anything can happen."
Kevin: "Are you kidding me? Pam and Jim are totally hooking up. All they do is smile. They're just keeping it a secret. Right?" Oscar: "I don't know. There is no evidence of intimacy."
"As a farmer, I know that when an animal is sick sometimes the right thing to do is to put it out of its misery. With the electricity we're using to keep Meredith alive, we could power a small fan for two days. You tell me what's unethical."
Dwight: "Are you a doctor or a male nurse?" Intern: "Um, I'm an intern which makes me a doctor."
"Almost marrying Roy Anderson was as close to Pamela Anderson as I ever want to be."
"Well back in olden times, a large fat person like this was a person of power, a person who had money and could buy food, a person of respect like the regional manager of the day. Where as someone athletic and trim, like myself, is someone who worked in the fields and I was a peasant."
"Why you may ask did I do this? Well, because of a machine. A machine told me to drive into a lake. And I did it. I did it because I trusted Ryan's precious technology. And look where it got me."
"Okay. Today is the big day that I am heading to New York to attend a party, with sushi and important people. On an unrelated note, if anyone has an interesting anecdote, that is not boring and easy to memorize please drop by my office before I leave. Thank you."
Michael: "I'm not kidnapping. I'm keeping him until I get what I want." Jim: "As a hostage." Michael: "I think you're over thinking it." Jim: "I think you're under thinking it."
Michael: "There's only one place to get authentic New York style sushi." Dwight: "Tokyo?" Michael: "New York."
"The bar uses an applause meter, that is why it is so important that you all come and applaud only for my band Scrantonicity II not Scrantonicity, which I am no longer a part of."
"I would have been chief of surgery. Or a cowboy."
"I was never in this for the money. But it turns out that the money was an absolute necessity for me."
"I tried to live the dream. I tried to have a job, a girlfriend, another job and I failed. But the good thing about the American dream is that you can just go to sleep and try it all again the next night."
Michael: "Do you have any tips or ideas about sure things. Like a boxer, um, who is gonna throw the big fight. Ya know like he's tied in to some crooked dealings and maybe his kid is sick or something. Like who would I call about that." Kevin: "The mob." Michael: "Do you know anybody in the mob."
Michael: "We are going to leave Jan out of this." Oscar: "She has to know." Michael: "We will find another way. We'll ask PowerPoint." Oscar: "Michael this is a presentation tool." Michael: "You're a presentation tool if you think I'm going to tell Jan about this."
Paulie: "The amazing thing about snakes is that they reproduce spontaneously." Tony: "What do you mean?" Paulie: "They have both male and female sex organs. That's why somebody you don't trust, you call a snake. How can you trust a go who can literally go fuck themself?" Tony: "Don't you think that expression would ...
Janice: "Second prize in a beauty contest collect $10." (to Tony) Go ahead, make your stupid joke." Tony:" I got nothing to say." Bobby: "Think I'll buy a railroad." Tony: "A German shepherd's shaved asshole won first prize."
"What am I supposed to do? Put out an APB 'cause a guy takes it up the ass?"
"You're a bad man! You're a very bad man!"
Molly: "You gonna sit there and eat or are you gonna talk to this wild child." Jonas: "She seems apposed to dialogue."
August: "She went to find evaporated milk." Mack: "You better hope there's a cow in the lobby."
"Psychologically what ever we do there's always motive behind it. Forget to lock the door, we didn't want it lock. You're okay, something inside gets stolen. Drop the gun, you didn't want to use it."
"Where'd you get that awful lipstick?"
"Just come back here again, and we'll send you home piece by piece!"
As for the ending which lifted me up in a way that I haven't felt in a long time on this matter, I can only say that my long term study of humans -- as a depth psychotherapist and as a student of other cultures across all time periods -- anthropology --- informed my conclusions, shaped them, and took me to visions o...
"I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous."
"A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore."
"Somebody asked Yogi the time, he said you mean now?"
"The script has been changed more times then Andy Dick's vibrator."
"An allowance? I allow you to sleep here at night. I allow you to eat them potatoes. I allow you to use my lights. I allow you to drink my Kool-Aid. I allow you to nibble on them green beans."
"Workin with my father was mind blowing. I couldn't believe how big it was, how loud it was, how fast everything was goin. I felt like an Amish kid in Vegas."
"People need dramatic examples to shake them out of apathy. I can't do that as Bruce Wayne. As a man I'm flesh and blood, I can be ignored, destroyed. But as a symbol. As a symbol, I can be incorruptible. I can be everlasting."
Fox: "I analyzed your blood isolating the receptor compounds and the protein-based catalyst." Bruce: "Am I meant to understand any of that?" Fox: "Not at all. I just wanted you to know how hard it was."