"You were the one that has been blowing off playing after midnight, not playing because you were sick."
Cartman: Stop cheating Craig." Craig: "I was not cheating." Cartman: "Cause you tricked me you black asshole."
Cartman: "Butters, you want to play me next?" Butters: "Okay, but I get to be the one that betrays you after the sex and drugs party."
Thomas: "ASSHOLE, ASSHOLE!" Cartman: "Wait, wait, wait, wow, wow, wow, you're telling me there is an illness that makes you blurt out obscenities?"
"Butthole, titties, balls!"
"Oh, okay, you figured me out. Bravo Kyle, bravo."
Mr. Garrison: "If we apply what we've just learned we see that all negatives can…" Cartman: "Splooge, balls, bloody vaginal belch."
Sheila: "Thank you Eric." Cartman: "Thank you. Big nosed kike!"
"I'm going to blast the Jews Kyle. I'm going to call them every name in the book and people will call it brilliant television. They'll probably give me an Emmy."
"Big titties, butt munch."
"Hey I brought you some Wendy's."
"Wow. That is huge. That has got to be the biggest crap I have ever taken."
"This might seriously be the biggest crap in history." Randy: "That's why I gotta make sure to keep it safe."
"Based on the photo, we estimate that the crap is over 8 and a half Courics."
"How could you have failed me in this simple task. I am so seriously pissed off right now, I could bust a testicle."
"Men are all assholes! They make you feel ashamed for being a little big or manly looking. But not lesbos, we accept other women for who they are inside!"
Christine: "No I wasn't homeless you stupid asshole." Guy: "Christine, I can't understand you." Christine: "Yeah, because you burned my lips off." Guy: "I nurned your rips off?"
"Bridge to Captain Picard."
"Beam me up, Scotty."
One banana, two banana, three banana, four Four bananas make a bunch and so do many more. Over hill and highway the banana buggies go Comin'on to bring you the Banana Splits show Makin' up a mess of fun, makin' up a mess of fun Lots of fun for everyone Tra la la, la la la la Tra la la, la la la la Tr...
"Welcome to the show, thank you for joining us. You know, I am really steamed. I marched in a parade this weekend. The poster said it was in honor of my favorite emotion: pride. Well, it turns out it was a Gay Pride parade and I didn't find out until after I'd marched for 3 hours shouting 'I am Stephen Colbert and I...
"We have a big show for you tonight."
"Bam! Bam, bam!"
Will: "Come on uncle Phil what's wrong, you think everyone is gonna think I'm a drug dealer? I mean why wouldn't they think I'm a doctor." Carlton: "Cause everyone knows Buckwheat never went to medical school."
Carlton: "Look kids, this is where we lived when we first got married. And this is the little park where we walked little Hilary." Will: "Oh and look, there's the pet store where we bought little Carlton."
Ashley: "Who's Hector?" Hilary: "I don't know but be nice to him, he's got a bat."
"Cute rich girls. That know the one thing their parents can't stand is for them to dating a BIG black dude."
"I mean look at you, you got it going on. You got sweet hips, lips and fingertips. But baby got BACK!"
"It's ladies night, bitches drink free."
"Mee mee mee meeo meep."
"I thought this was bowling for weirdos."
Kermit: "Fozzie!" Fozzie: "Yeah." Kermit: "Ah bear left." Fozzie: "What?" Kermit: "Bear left." Fozzie: "Right frog." Kermit: "What?" Fozzie: "Nevermind." Kermit: "That's you."
"What's the difference between your wages and your penis? I can find lots of women who will blow your wages."
Tim: "This is big. Big and exciting. Big and exciting huge inflatable cock. God." Lee: "You can sit on that if you like. It's not just from me, it's from Dawn as well." Dawn: "God, you haven't gotten one already?" Tim: "No you can never have too many anyway." Dawn: "And you do prefer it to the money." Tim: "Yeah I w...
"Aw that is brilliant."
"If someone's unlucky you say, he's so unlucky that if he fell in a barrel of tits he'd come up sucking his own thumb."
"Oh sorry. That is a man's game. That is accidental."
Michael: "Stop stop. Let's see if we can just brainstorm and find some creative alternatives that are win win." Pam: "Win." Michael: "Yes, thank you Pam."
"This morning I found a bloody glove in my desk drawer and Jim Halpert tried to convince me I committed murder. I think he may be the real murderer."
"I consider myself a great philanderer. It's just, it's nice to know that at the end of the day I can look in the mirror and say Michael, because of you, some little kid in the Congo has a belly full of rice this evening."
Michael: "Jan listen, I promise I will kick it up a notch bam!" Jan: "What?" Michael: "Emeril."
"Bluffing is a key part of poker which is too bad because I am not very good at bluffing. Did you believe me?"
Michael: "Today I, Michael Scott am becoming a home owner. Investing in real estate." Dwight: "Diversifying, smart." Michael: "Yes it is, yes it is."
Dwight: "This is smaller than your old place." Michael: "Yes, well I'm buying it, I'm not renting it so it's still an upgrade."
"A thirty year mortgage at Michael's age essentially means that he is buying a coffin. If I were buying my coffin, I would get one with thicker walls so you couldn't hear the other dead people."
"There's a basic principle in real estate that you should never be the best looking person in the development. It's just sort of common sense because if you are, then you have no place to go but down."
"Why do I like Hooters? Well, I will give you two reasons: the boobs and the hot wings."
"Look at those wrinkles. Blacks do crack, not crack the drug."
Phyllis: "Hey Michael, I mean Jim." Jim: "Yep, Phyllis called me Michael and I will always and forever be haunted by that fact."
"Jan made me breakfast this morning. Well, she bought the milk, it's soy."
Michael: "Kelly, you are Hindu so you believe in Buddha." Kelly: "That's Buddhists."
"Maybe believing in god was a mistake."
Dwight: "On the other hand it does leave less money for bat birth control." Jim: "Bat birth control?" Dwight: "Wait, this money is going to bat birth control right?"
"Jim Halpert's off the market. Guess who just became the best looking single guy in the office."
Kevin: "Little, old, man boy." Ryan: "Michael, everybody…" Michael: "The beard." Kevin: "Bearded man boy."
Kelly: "I am dating a lot of guys." Ryan: "Good." Kelly: "A lot. Black guys mostly."
"Business to business, the old fashioned way. No Blackberries, no websites. I would like to see a website deliver baskets of food to people."
"Well the website is a brainchild of my brainchild, Ryan. It is my brain-grandchild."
Michael: "And that by 6 o'clock the website will be the new best salesman in the company. Wow, watch out Dwight." Dwight: "That's ridiculous. I'm not gonna be beaten by a website."
"Did I happen to mention the 40 reams from the Battered Women's Shelter. No!"
"They say you should never mix business with pleasure. Really? Well then explain to me how a put-put golf company operates."
Michael: "The world would be a better place if people were held accountable for their actions." Jim: "Yes, but not by kidnapping."
"This, uh, is the guy that beat the computer."
Jan: "Let's just blow this party off." Michael: "That's what she said."
Michael: "Pam!" Pam: "Hey there's a…" Michael: "Burger with cheese…" Pam: "There's a person here…" Michael: "And fries…" Pam: "A person…" Michael: "And shake, go ahead."
Dwight: "Now then, do you have any special needs or dietary restrictions?" Jim: "Yes! We will be requiring a bed time story." Dwight: "No." Jim: "Not even Harry Potter?" Dwight: "No. Jim, come on!"
Jim: "I'd say 1 in 6." Pam: "What?" Jim: "Oh, I thought you asked me what our chances were of being murdered here tonight."
"This scary black bar is what you spend on things that no one ever, ever needs. Like multiple magic sets. Professional bass fishing equipment."
"What am I doing? I'm blow and dodge, I'm getting out of town. Whatever you call it, I'm running away from my responsibilities."
Janice: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6... Boardwalk. I own it." Tony: "You blew guys under it."
Mack: "This puppy will belly up before it makes it 10 miles." Bob: "We only need 2."
"You see those four prongs surrounding that little piece of steel. It's a Bouncing Betty, you put your fanny on that, it goes off it kills everybody within 30 feet."
"This here is the meeting before the meeting. Be all that you can be."
Betsy: "Do you want me to be the best or do you want me to quit." Jonas: "Ain't nothing to be but the best." Betsy: "Then coach me, don't coddle me!"
"Men are built different. Muscular, skeletal systems inclined them to be better climbers."
"And that will actually bind her. Actually reduce her to a come freak."
"You're breakin' my heart, lady."
"You are a simple fool. There is no place on Planet Doom for bumbling idiots."
"I couldn't tell if the streaker was a man or a woman..because it had a bag on its head.."
You use your tongue prettier than a $20 whore.
Tracy: Be yourself. And I'm talkin to you clearly gay kid. Gay Kid: Who told? Tracy: And you white kid just tryin to go unnoticed.
"It's a blood bath bro."
"My third grade science project was watching a banana rot."
"Another 30 seconds in there, we would have been blacker than you."
"In our house, wait for your father meant I was getting whoopin. My father took his whoopins very seriously. He had a belt for every infraction."
"My father smelled so bad, I didn't know if he was gonna beat me or suffocate me."
"You know how to disappear. We can teach you to become truly invisible."
"Breathe in your fears. Face them."
"You have to become a terrible thought. A wraith. You have to become an idea!"
"Embrace your worst fear. Become one with the darkness."
"And you can borrow the Rolls, if you like. Just bring it back with a full tank."
Fox: "Well, what is it today? More spelunking?" Bruce: "No. Today it's BASE-jumping." Fox: "BASE-jumping. That like parachuting?" Bruce: "Kind of."
Bruce: "Bats are nocturnal." Alfred: "Bats may be. But even for billionaire playboys, 3:00 is pushing it. The price for leading a double life, I fear."
"My boss has been missing for days which means I should probably start by looking at the bottom of the river."
"But is Ra's al Ghul immortal? Are his methods supernatural?"
"Dr. Evil, you might not want to destroy the world. But I dooooo."
"Before time began, there was ... the Cube. We know not where it comes from, only that it holds the power to create worlds, and fill them ... with life. That is how our race was born. For a time we lived in harmony, but like all great power, some wanted it for good ... others for evil. And so began the war. A war th...
"Taking the children was a bad move."
"From the time he could stand he was baptized in the fire of combat."
"You will pay for your barbarism!"
"We send the severed bodies and the fragile hearts back to Xerxes' feet."
"Your king has taken 300 of our finest men, broken our laws and left without the counsel's consent."
"There are certain sounds in this world that for whatever reason, just the way it hits you, it makes you wanna punch a baby...it makes you want to PUNCH a BABY...GOD FORBID you're in a nursery when you hear that sound, you go on a baby punching tangent, you will start punching..*POP* WAHHHHHHHHH! *POP* WAHHHHHHH! *P...
"But THEN there are certain sounds in this world that for whatever reason, just the way it hits you, it makes you wanna punch a baby...it makes you want to PUNCH a BABY...GOD FORBID you're in a nursery when you hear that sound, you go on a baby punching tangent, you will start punching..*POP*"
"You know you're a bachelor when it gets to this point: When you've got one light bulb left, and you just keep taking it out and bringing it into the room you need it in. That's how sad and lonely you are. You won't even buy bulbs."
"Yeah I'll see you at Burning Man, you hippie."
"Bring me another Jew baby."
"But here's the upside of 5th grade. Brad Pitt, for one year, went to my school. He was a lady killer back then. He was a good looking kid. Even back then, you could tell he was a cutie because I remember when I got my class picture and brought it home. I was staying with my grandma so she was checking it out. Oh my...
"But here's the upside of 5th grade. The only good thing is Brad Pitt went to my school. Brad Pitt, for one year, went to my school."
"And then I wanted to see the bears. And the lady said, I don’t know we had a little situation with the bears. Someone crawled into the bear cages because they thought the bears were waving them in … and I go what? If you've been on Earth for any amount of time, you know they're probably not waving them in. But they...
"I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit."
"Bush, search party of three!"
"I put a little ballerina skirt on the monkey, and I beat him into oblivion. The crowd seems to love this."
Frank: "Let me tell you something pal, I'm benching at least 350 pieces no problem." Guy on Phone: "You're benching 350 pieces?" Frank: "You better believe it. 350 pieces? What the fuck you talking about? Pounds, baby, pounds!"
"I'll back a truck through the fucking two family house garage. One of those big two ton trucks."
Did you know that bald eagles are known to engage in bizare mating rituals? Where two eagles fly upwards, lock talons, they fall towards the earth while rotating, seperating moments before crash into ground. If and only if the consummate their bird fuck. If they don't they are willing to accept death by hard ground....
"But I say to you what every warrior has known since the beginning of time…"
"We can break this army here."
Woman: Oh no not before me! Bedroom Police: Excuse me sir do you realize how fast you were going in this bed? Man: And who are you? Bedroom Police: We’re the Bedroom Police and we clocked you at one minute and 30 seconds. Man: That’s pretty quick I must admit. Bedroom Police: This time I’ll let you off with a warn...
"Blah blah blah..."
"Ballpark food doesn't count as real food."
"Ah, beat it punk..."
"You just blew my mind."
"No way, this is bogus man!"
"This is the best thing I have ever put in my mouth!"
"Oh, I knew that would come back and bite me in the ass."
"Tonight is my chance to get into Bra-ville."
"Shut up butt rash!"
"You can kiss my black behind."
"You just pucker up, vapor lock onto your boss' butt and hold on."
"Oh yeah, some people are bastards."
"Baby got back!"
"Would you like to buy a vowel?"
"You have reached the transmitting signal for the Big Giant Head. All Big Giant circuits are busy right now. Please stay on the line... (singing) doo doo doo..."
"What a bunch of crap!"
"I could belch the alphabet and men with PhDs would be asking me to tutor their kids."
"I'm sorry. Was I asleep when you turned into a big wussie?"
"I know, he's my wittle bunny wabbit."
"It tastes like a bad egg. You know, the kind that gives you the burps."
"I'm a big, angry virgin and I'm happy about it."
"There's the black fly in your chardonnay!"
"Where do I bury my family after the burglars have pumped bullets into their skulls while you guys are strolling over."
"You are the biggest fool I have ever known."
You know, I think it would be easier if you sit here and I bring you girls. What do you like, big chest?
Michael: "Maybe we should get our stories straight. I mean, if we blow this, Seth, he'll never let me hear the end of it." Alex: "Okay, um, my middle name is Julia, I grew up in..." Michael: "Well, actually, well, I-- I had some thoughts about your backstory." Alex: "My backstory? Veronica Rockefeller, Neurosu...
Howard: "Hi, Gina." Gina: "Hey, Howie." Howard: "Hey, did you notice anything different about me?" Gina: "Did you get shorter?" Howard: "No, I've been working out! I have a Bow flex. Good things are happening to my body almost daily." Gina: "Oh, I can make good things happen to your body almost daily too. ...
(Fart noise) Kid: "You farted." (Laughter) Cartman: "Somebody's baking brownies."
Character 1: "Well, let's get back to it." Mayor: "Righteo!"
"Boy, did we get screwed!"
Damien: "Behold, he is already upon us." Stan: "Oh dude." Satan: "(Threatens them) Jimbo: "What the hell's going on here?"
"She wasn't looking at you, Buttlord, she was looking at me."
"I'm gonna buy her a vacuum cleaner, chicks love vacuum cleaners..."
"Oh, Wendy, you wore black leather too... we're like sisters!"
"...all we have to do is become lesbians too!"
"We will take her back to Iraq immediately."
The Japanese dude's Ba-ba-wa song
"And talk about a beatch, I have seen..."
"Damn your black heart Barbara Streisand!"
"Holy crap Ned! That's the biggest goddamned deer I've ever seen."
"I suppose your socks smell like the botanical gardens!"
"How is your Beefyroast, schnookums?"
"No, go away! Bad dog!"
"..he was sent to his room for being a bastard."
"Go on, Canadian! Beat it! I'm through getting in trouble for you!"
"...we are young, ok. Heartache to heartache, we stand... ok?"
"We're not gonna cut it off, we're going to snip it, so it looks bigger!"
"Dude, something tells me this bris thing isn't good."
"It's back to school with Officer Barbrady!"
"Sure, there's just one problem... we're a bank."
"Officer Barbrady, in school we go to the bathroom before and after class."
"Hey, there's a lot of big words in these books."
"... a bunch of hippies walk around and paint stuff, they eat lunch..."
"Awww, that's not fair, he's so fat it stuck in his belly."
"Concentrate on your game. Be the ball!"
"I don't suppose they'll have any problems seeing the ball with their big American eyes."
"My mom says there's a lot of black people in China."
"Somebody bakes a brownie."
"Lets get back to basecamp! We can ride the Log Ride before it closes."
"Coming up next, we're gonna drop napalm on an unsuspecting family of beavers."
Jesus tries to stop the brawl in the studio
"Today's guest is TV's 'Gilligan', Bob Denver!"
"Oh, damn man. Now I'm missing the new Barnaby Jones."
"Beefcake! Now that's what I call a sticky situation!"
"Ok, that does it. Y'all be quiet or the cute little bunny dies."