"who hasn't taught their pooch to maneuver a 2000 lb vehicle..?"
Announcer: Struck him out time to sing the stretch…actress Denise Richards. Denise Richards: Alright fans. Let me hear ya. A one, a two, a three. Take me out to the ball game, Take me out with the crowd. Buy me some peanuts and cracker jack, I don't care if I never get back, Let me root, root, root for the home tea...
"Dear racist Liz Lemon. This is how you treat me - like a white whiskered Gibbon put on this earth to do nothing but dance around for your amusement and reduce the insect population of Malaysia."
"Don't partonize me with your celtic slang Liz Lemon. We have a black president now."
Jon: "Last week the House approved expanding existing protections to add sexual orientation to a list already including race, color, religion and gender. The bill approved 249-175, why would 175 people vote against it…it's the temperature…" Trent Franks: "It would have a devastating and chilling effect on free speec...
"Hey it's a disgrace. It's a disgrace. It's a fucking disgrace."
Drew: “What’s the next item up for bid please? Announcer: “Here comes the lovely Gwendolyn with the next item up for bid Drew. It’s a beautiful diamond pendant. Drew: “What do you bid for that beautiful pendant? Contestant: “2500.” Drew: “2500, Leslie?” Leslie: “1450.” Drew: “1450. Parmy…” Contestant: “2700. Michael...
David: "That is gorgeous and this thing is available in 2 years, how much would this cost?" Elon: "This will have a starting price of $49,900. There's one very important point worth making about this car…" David: "I'll take you later if you want…" Elon: "There's a very important point..." David: "Oh god turn it off!...
"They were like piranha .."
"Now, I know you’re into this transparency thing, but, uh, I don’t need to see your nipples."
“’What did you do, did you waterboard him? No, I just said, ‘nice weather,’ and he’s still talking. Can’t listen to him anymore, it’s like torture.’”
'Actually sir, I believe we prefer to go with the bizarre and risky. It's worked for us so far.'
Captain: That boy's absorbed a lot of voltage.
"She gave an honorable answer, she gave an answer from her heart and I think for that she has to be commended. Now to the pictures. We've reviewed the pictures very carefully…is with me, the president of the Miss Universe organization and we are in the 21st century. And I talked about relevance and the pageants have...
"And the don’t be scared…"
"Don't you dare, don' you fucking dare!"
"Don't fucking start arguing."
"Oh no! No, no! Dirty ball."
"It looks like regurgitated dog shit."
"Don't get fucking upset with me in my fucking kitchen when you're standing there sulking cause you fucked the salmon."
...But being as this is a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world, and would blow your head clean off, you've got to ask yourself one question: 'Do I feel lucky?' Well, do ya punk?
Just the facts, ma'am
"Listen to them. Children of the night. What music they make."
within every electronic device there lies a seed dormant and waiting to be...released somewhere between 18mos and 2yrs it will sprout...and begin to choke the life out and if you've got an iPod, you know exactly what we're talking about you pressed the power button and what happened was nothin' iTunes won't even se...
I'm dead meat."
"Those dogs should be put to sleep."
"I don't know about this husband thing. One whiff of their mom's meatloaf and they're gone!"
"Just because you hear hoofbeats don't assume zebras."
"I have five rules, memorize them. Rule number one: don't bother sucking up, I already hate you. That's not going to change."
"You wait any longer big guy we're not gonna have any choice in the matter. I can't exactly do a u-turn here."
"Okay, here's how we diagnose in transit. I lead, you draft. I move, you move. I stop, you stop. Got it?"
Robert Jensen: "Would you go on his show?" Snoop Dogg: "I'd love to go on his show. But we'd have to do it in my neighborhood, though." Robert Jensen: "So it has to be in the ghetto?" Snoop Dogg: "Yeah so I can kick his mother fucking ass when the show is on the air."
"Wait, I don’t have my belt or my shoes. Don't leave me!"
"Dachshunds, the only dog that's shaped like it's own poop."
"And while he was here, uh, the President of Iran Ahmadinejad, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, he said there are no homosexuals in Iran. So what they're gonna do now, they're gonna develop one of their own."
"Here's from the medical world. Here's some scary information. Apparently now, they say, a new study says that using an underarm deodorant causes cancer. New York City cab drivers are saying 'Well who's crazy now. Who's crazy now'."
"Did anybody here buy the Donald Trump book? Anybody buy the Donald Trump book?"
"Danger, Will Robinson!"
"Uh, yeah, just for the record, your mom doesn't like the under the arms, around the side double boob scoop."
"And I found it was easier puttin these boys to bed than my last two. Mainly because these boys drank themselves to sleep before story time."
"Now I know this is gonna sound crazy given where we started and all, but if you don't sleep with my mom, I think I'm gonna have to kill you."
"I've been driving the Browns band wagon."
"Why do you got to dog the man."
"Kobe Bryant is a different kettle of fish."
"That’s what's driving the bus, football."
"Blimey, two double squadouches."
"We're out of time. We'll try and do better the next time."
Dan: "This is my second day in a row, that must mean I'm doing a good job." Tony: "I'm Tony Kornheiser. No Sparky, it means all the good writers are at the World Series."
"You remember his career, he went to a college football game, Tony, in a limousine, with a tuxedo and a top hat and didn't go to any classes his last year."
"Me dressed as Vice President, it's weird."
Hillary: "So you dressed as yourself." Barack: "Well, you know Hillary I have nothing to hide. I enjoy being myself. I'm not gonna change who I am just because it's Halloween." Hillary: "Well that's, that's great."
"The other night a girl came by my house dressed as a nurse with her bosoms exposed. I told her, don't you be defaming nurses. Nurses are heroes. I had one of 'em take good care of me when my sugarbetes flared up."
"Now parents, if you want more advice on raising your women today, please buy my book; Daddy's Little Whore, a Damn Shame."
"Dignified, we got dignified coming out our ass."
Amy: "Willie, knowing what you know now is there anything you would have done differently?" Willie: "[Noises] so…"
"In a startling moment during Wednesday's democratic debate former Senator Mike Gravel's head exploded. Then in a chain reaction spreading from one candidates lectern to the next. John Edwards' hair parted itself on the opposite side. Barack Obama's ears flapped uncontrollably. Hillary Clinton instantly shot up in t...
"He personally finds abortion morally repugnant but feels that women should have the right to choose to divorce him."
Colonist 4: "Hey, uh, can I get a dime sack." John Stone: "Yeah, yeah."
"I've been dancing a lot, mostly hip hop in night clubs. But, uh, also some more experimental stuff in my living room so watch out for that."
"Now I entered this horse race a little later than many of my opponents. And well frankly, hadn't really paid off. I thought when I announced I would immediately be the front runner. But instead, since my announcement my numbers have been going down faster than Larry Craig in a Minneapolis wash room."
"It was reported this week that David Hasselhoff suffered a relapse of his alcoholism and checked himself in for detox. Sadly, Hasselhoff thought he was checking in for botox."
"Get it Amy. Detox, Botox, they sound the same. This is loose."
"Da bears… Dah bearrrss."
"But Klaus he is beautiful, is he not? Would you like to touch my monkey? Touch him!"
"Hey girl, I got something real important to give you. So just sit down and listen."
Andy: "A gift real special, so take of the top." Justin: "Take a look inside. It's my dick in a box."
Andy & Justin: "See I'm wise enough to know when a gift needs givin, and I got just the one. Somethin to show that you are second to none."
Andy: "So all the fellas out there with ladies to impress, it's easy to do, just follow these steps. One." Justin: "Cut a hole in a box." Andy: "Two." Justin: "Put your junk in that box." Andy: "Three." Justin: "Make her open the box." Andy & Justin: "And that's the way you do it! It's my dick in a box."
Andy: "Christmas." Justin: "Dick in a box." Andy: "Chanukah." Justin: "Dick in a box." Andy: "Kwanzaa." Justin: "A dick in a box. Every single holiday a dick in a box."
"Over at your parent's house a dick in a box. Midday at the grocery store a dick in a box. Back stage at the CMA's it's a dick in a box, yeah wa wa wa wa waa."
Justin: "Wanna get you something from the heart." Andy: "Somethin special girl." Andy & Justin: "It's my dick in a box. Justin: "My dick in a box girl."
Andy: "Now I'm ready to lay it on the line." Justin: "Well, you know it's Christmas and my heart is open wide." Andy: "Open wide." Justin: "Gonna give you somethin so you know what's on my mind."
"There's one thing stronger than a dog's sense of smell, his sense of irony."
"Accidents in the House... Hey, Walter! Thanks for your 'help' with the new off-white sofa. Everybody agrees that dump you left there was the perfect 'accent'. So, good job. Oh, and by the way, Milton Berle called. He wants his bladder back. That's a good job! "
"Right, Murphy, you brainless sack of excrement? [ to camera ] She's being punished. "
Eric: "Bruce, could you come in here for a minute, please?"
"Here we go, I’ll give you another…Behold! This fiendish masterpiece, from the bowels of HELL!!! Mondays! Boy I hate Mondays! They make me so steamed! Weekends! Talkin’ bout the Weekend! Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh , Oh, Oh... Son of a bitch!! Is it humid in here or something, 'cause the guitar keeps getting out of tune!"
"And now a word to my 7 fellow democratic candidates for president, those I am about to defeat for our party's nomination. I have so admired the pluck and determination all of you have displayed in what I imagine for you must be an awfully discouraging campaign."
"Dog owners in Wisconsin can now pay $275 to go to a camp to learn to do their various dances with their dogs. Including the Cha-Cha, Twist and Rumba. Or they can pay no dollars and skip the camp all together."
"Animal rights activists are campaigning to get a 26 year old Chimpanzee legally declared a person. The one remaining obstacle, it's not."
"Earlier this week Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was in New York where he addressed the United Nations as well as an audience of students at Columbia University. Though he answered questions on subjects ranging from Iran's support for terrorism to the Holocaust. It was his comments on women and homosexuals t...
"New research shows that all types of alcohol add equally to the risk of developing breast cancer in women. Though dacaris will make you feel the most stupidest about it."
"So do me a solid and order Solid Gold today."
"It's so weird that they asked me, Dakota Fanning, to present the award for best TV show because I don't even own a TV."
LeBron: "Won't I be ashamed to work with the people that went to college." Counselor: "Well, okay, you know how you get over that? You dunk on 'em. You take a basketball, you dunk it right on their heads. Them you put your arms out and you say 'I guess they didn't teach you how to stop LeBron James in college bitch!'."
Counselor: "Kanye, look, go to college for one year, drop out and write songs about it." Kanye: "Sounds good."
"You're using your paper not for writin but for rollin dubies. You're gonna be doin a lot of dubie rollin when you're livin in a van down by the river."
"Bert, I'm afraid he's gonna get cold and lonely out here all by himself, Bert. And then he'll be sad, and I don't want him to be sad, Bert!"
"I do not function well under pressure."
"I must do something useful."
"I'm in a dating desert."
"Okay, we need to divide and conquer."
"I'm fine... Just fine... Don't I look fine?"
"The truth is, I was dying to sleep with him. But isn't delayed gratification the definition of maturity?"
"Shit, dumb shit!"
"You do not have Tourette syndrome fat ass."
Mr. Garrison: "Okay, so what do we get when we multiply a negative number…" Cartman: "Dick tits!"
"I've learned to deal with intolerance. Dumb shit, douche bag!"
"Won't you do a special report on me so that the world can learn to accept us instead of just laugh. Donkey boner!"
"Hello Kyle. Dick head!"
"I believe I detect some cabbage as well."
CNN Announcer 2: "Is this really news worthy?" CNN Announcer 1: "You just don't understand." CNN Announcer 2: "You're right, I don't."
"I don't even know how two women can make love…unless they just kind of scissor or something."
"We could give the homeless all designer sleeping bags and makeovers. At least that way they'd be pleasant to look at."
"No, no, I don't need my windshield cleaned! Stop it! Stop iiiit!"
"We don't have any change! Go away!"
"Set off diversion trap C."
"Citizens of Imaginationland, we have distinguished guests from the world beyond."
"Don't leave me fellas. Come back!"
"Death to the infidels."
"Don't you get it! If the terrorists blow that barrier all the most evil things ever imagined are going to pour out and take over Imaginationland for good. You have to do something!"
"Alright look y'all, this is a classic case of divide and conquer. Look, Malcolm warned us about this."
"Actually Aunt Viv, you got a kind of a Don King, Kris Kross, Bride of Frankenthing."
"Hilary honey, what your father's trying to say is, you don't live here anymore honey."
Don't make me angry, you wouldn't like me when I'm angry.
"Do you have any porn here?"
Guy: "Which one are you?" Gonzo: "I'm the ugly disgusting one who catches cannon balls."
"I know what you're thinking, do I make 5 or 6 cars? The question is do you feel lucky punk? Do you? Clint Eastwood."
David Brent: "Look at this - Dutch girls must be punished for having big boobs. Now you do not punish a girl, Dutch or otherwise, for having big boobs." Gareth: "If anything they should be rewarded."
"Money don't make my world go round. I'm reaching out to a higher ground. To a warm and peaceful place. I can rest my weary face."
Jim: "Dwight tried to kiss me." Dwight: "What?" Jim: "And I didn't tell anyone cause I'm not really sure how I feel about it." Dwight: "That is not true. Redact it, redact it!" Jim: "Well I'm not actually making a formal complaint, I just really think we should talk about it."
"K, Ryan, you told Toby that Creed has a distinct old man smell?"
"We are giving money that has been gambled. Why don't we just deal drugs or prostitute ourselves and donate that money to charity."
"I taught Mike some ah, some phrases to help with his interracial conversations. You know, stuff like fleece it out, going mach five, dink and flicka. You know, things us negros say."
"Two queens on casino night. I am going to drop a deuce on everybody."
"Michael said, we must deceive them so as not to hurt them and in that way, we honor them."
"I do play games. I sing and I dangle things in front of my cats. I play lots of games, just not at work."
"I just, I just hope that brghh. I just hope this doesn't effect our friendship."
Michael: "I wanna do it myself. You know, I want to go and find out something about myself. I want to get out of here. All the clicks and the office politics, fluorescent lights and the asbestos." Jim: "I thought we had that looked at."
Michael: "Dwight will be driving me deep into the Pennsylvania wilderness where he will then leave me to either die or to survive. The choices is yours." Jim: "No, the choice is actually yours."
"Day 1. I'm in the interior of the vast Pennsylvania wilderness. I've brought with me only the bare essentials; a knife, a roll of duct tape in case I need to fashion shelter or make some sort of water vessel."
"I think that I want to get a little more comfortable because the sun is depleting my resources."
"Ok, well I did not get the job in New York. But I got the real prize - domestic bliss."
Michael: "Double jeopardy. We're fine." Ryan: "I don't think you understand how jeopardy works." Michael: "Oh right, I'm sorry. What is, 'We're fine'?"
Michael: "Well I think you should go to the hospital and pay your respects." Dwight: "I do not respect her, but I will go."
"Just doing my job."
"When a farmer sees an animal that is in pain, that has no quality of life, that has no utility, a farmer does what city folk don't have the stomach to do."
Ryan: "I have your old job." Jan: "Well not exactly my job, a different title." Ryan: "Oh, well excuse me. Same office, same responsibilities." Jan: "Different salary. You'll get there, don't worry."
"Angela is worse than usual lately and we have a party to throw. So I Googled how to deal with difficult people. And I got all of this. So we're gonna try out some new things today."
"Dwight has defeated the computer!"
" It was a pretty disappointing day. It was kind of a slap in the face, to realize that I wasn't as important as I thought I was to a certain young executive. Who I had cared about. But you know, I'm not going to cry about it. I did that in the car on the way home."
"You looking for dinner and a movie? Cause you're not gonna find it in that box."
"Why don't I want to go? Didn't expect to need a reason. So let me think here. I don't know any of these people. It's an obligation. I don't like talking paper in my free time or in my work time. Did I use the word pointless?"
"If you want to be my boyfriend, you are going to have to do boyfriend things."
"Look out, world, 'cause... old Pammy is getting what she wants. And... don't call me Pammy!"
Dwight: "Do you ever watch Battlestar Galactica?" Guy: "No." Dwight: "No? Then you are an idiot."
Dwight: "Hey Toby." Toby: "Hey Dwight." Dwight: "You said that we could come to you with any questions. Where is the clitoris? On the web site it said at the crest of the labia. What does that mean? What does the female vagina look like?" Toby: "Technically I am in human resources, and Dwight was asking about human ...
"A little bit of Pam all night long, a little bit of Angela all the same…"
"Michael keeps bragging about his iPod. But you know what? 2 paintball lessons with someone as experienced as me is worth easily two grand.Take that Saddam."
"As a volunteer Sheriff's deputy, I've being doing surveillance for years. This one time, I suspected an ex-girlfriend of cheating on me, so I tailed her for 6 nights straight. Turns out, she was. With a couple of guys, actually, so mystery solved."
Dwight: "Listen temp. I am conducting a little investigation, so I will no longer be able to head up spring cleaning. Do you think you can handle it?" Ryan: "Yeah I think I can handle it." Dwight: "Do you think? Or do you know?" Ryan: "I think." Dwight: "Oh God."
"Damn it to hell! Okay."
Dwight: "We have 3 rooms each with a different theme." Pam: "What are the themes." Dwight: "America, irrigation and night time."
"Mose what are you doing? No Mose. Put the maneuver down. Put it down. Do not throw it. Do not…ow!"
"And Harry saw the white hen raise its wand and felt Voldemort's surge of vicious anger. Saw the frail old man on the floor writhe in agony. Harry? It was over as quickly as it had come. Harry stood shaking in the darkness, clutching the gate into the garden, his heart racing."
"Listen I got the answer. You declare bankruptcy all your problems go away."
Michael: "How would that help Creed. In monopoly you go bankrupt you lose." Creed: "You don't go by Monopoly man. That game is nuts. Nobody just picks up get out of jail free cards. Those things cost thousands." Michael: "That is a good point."
Michael: "Don't sell your implants please." Jan: "I'm keeping them. I know you like 'em. They're kind of uncomfortable though." Michael: "It's nice though. Looks cute. Looks cute though." Jan: "Kind of painful and my nipples aren't as sensitive now."
"I am not gonna die for you."
"You don't let anybody spank you and talk to you in all kind of ways because women, especially when that man pull back and won't give you the penis no more. Woman will be all in the bed at night, trying to sleep, tossin and turnin they dreamin about it."