"It's not reality where they make people do stupid things and Jacuzzis and pay them ridiculous money to do stuff that they really wouldn't do, they wouldn't do. And these people come on and this guy was a chicken catcher man."

"I said Daddy will open the door but you got to walk through it."

Yo peeps, we’re going to give you the 411 on the newest craze sweeping the nation so make sure to listen up. Where my dogs at! Sunglasses; they’re for blocking the sun, But we’re here to tell y’all about a new kind of fun, If you got yourself a pair and a man’s best friend just place them on the hair of a dog’s rear...

"I would like to thank everyone here and all over the country for sharing this special moment with me and my family. To all the kids out there: Follow your dream. Believe in your dream. Because dreams do come true."

DEA: "Everybody is the same. It's all one group of people that come together that get the job done." Reporter: "What sort of cooperation are you getting from Dr. Murray employees in your search. Can you tell us, for example…what a search like this there's not necessarily going to be a big bunch of boxes out here you...

"Pablo got a dent in my seat, in my couch over there. There has got to be a dent. He gone wore the cushion out over there."

"Don't let the door hit you on the way out."

"Over that period, during his tenure, his team produced 26 pro-bowl selections."

"Again Jim Johnson, from the Philadelphia Eagles, dead at the age of 68."

"This president I think has exposed himself as a guy over and over and over again who has a deep seeded hatred for white people or the white culture, I don't know what it is."

"It’s a little confusing from what I see because there are guys out there thinking things that sometimes you can buy it over the counter and sometimes it's not in the…"

"I just wish your friends were as mature as you" "They are mature actually, you just have to... get to know them better" - Paging Dr. Faggot... Dr. Faggot - "I should go" "That's a good idea, Dr. Faggot"

Letterman: Let me tell you a little bit about the program we have for you tonight and normally it’s television so anything is on…by the way let me say a couple of words about that Twitter nonsense. Have you hooked yourself up on the Twitter thing? It’s stupid. It’s just crap. I tell you…thank you. I saw that Ashton ...