"So I've cut the tension by bringing a new friend to the White House. He's warm, he's cuddly, loyal, enthusiastic. You just have to keep him on a tight leash. Every once in a while he goes charging off in the wrong direction and gets himself into trouble. But enough about Joe Biden."

Elmo: Hello. Man: Hello. Elmo: Hi, is this the pharmacist? Man: Yes. Elmo: Hi Mr. Pharmacist. Listen my eyes. It’s my eyes. Man: Okay. Elmo: They got really big. Man: Do you need help? Elmo: They got really big. My eyes are really big. Man: Okay. Elmo: I don’t know what happened. Man: Is it burning? Elmo: Yes, its...

"When you're young everything feels like the end of the world but it's not, it's just the beginning."

Thank you very much President Cohen. I want to start by congratulating all the graduates and I want to especially congratulate the parents. And for the parents remember that the students will still need you and maybe they’ll now they’ll listen to you now that they graduated. When I see computers and mobile phones,...

Thank you, President Cowan, Mrs. President Cowen; distinguished guests, undistinguished guests - you know who you are, honored faculty and creepy Spanish teacher. And thank you to all the graduating class of 2009, I realize most of you are hungover and have splitting headaches and haven't slept since Fat Tuesday, bu...

Eww

Ewwwyeeeaaaaayyy

Jesse: If we hadn’t waterboarded to begin with none of this would be a controversy would it? Wait, torture is torture. If you’re going to be a country that follows the rule of law, which we are, torture is illegal. Hasselbeck: But these were specifically approved techniques with KSM okay. Muhammad, the information w...

No. I am your father.

"E.T. phone home."

"Eaton Beaver turned 69 and Ruth, 90 years old today."

"First the earthquake, now this. Haven't I ben through enough?"

"Forbes Magazine, now this is crazy, you know the like the business magazine Forbes Magazine claims that there are 64, 64 billionaires, billionaires living in New York City. Wow! And I believe they got that list from Ellen Barkin."

"Hey how about this. A new study, according to a new study Polar Bears probably will be extinct by 2050. So enjoy eating them while you can because they won't last forever."

"In honor of the pilgrims, everyone gets scurvy."

"I guess ever parent now looks at Tiger woods and thinks they can be Earl Woods. You know, I mean, no you can't."

"It's not just that American Football failed in Europe. It is that Europeans have rejected American football. They've rejected it like Americans have rejected soccer."

Hillary: "Bill, I thought we agreed to dress like bride and groom." Bill: "Oh man, everyone knows we're married."

"Author Aubrey de Grey has published a new book called Ending Ageing in which he claims ageing is a disease that could one day be cured. Now before you dismiss him as a nut job, this is de Grey."

"While campaigning in New Hampshire, Rudy Giuliani insisted that his core support is from evangelical voters because they know where he stands on the issues. While he can appeal to Mormons because he has had a few wives, Catholics will be drawn to him because his son hates him."

Jon: "Look, I'm here to tell you that everything is going to be ok." Amy: "It's easy for you to say. You're Jon Bon Jovi."

"Only on NBC. Because rather than showing exciting games from multiple conferences like other networks, we at NBC prefer to limit ourselves to a single non-conference team that hasn't won a ball game since 1996. Why? Because it's just more expensive that way."

"Can not proceed without captains code. End of transmission."

"Eat him up Jeff. Eat him up!"

"I know what I did. I revealed too much too soon. I was emotionally slutty."

"We are here to honor the first American to bring home the distinguished E.F.S.M. medal for biggest crap ever taken."

"I have very exciting news. Last night at 20 past 8 I took a crap weighing 9 and a half Courics.

Guy: "They say you could have easily cleared fifty homeless with that jump." Cartman: "Thirty was hard enough." Stan: "Oh God! It wasn't thirty, it was one. He jumped over one homeless person with his stupid skateboard and he barely made it over that guy."

"I wanted to say to Elvis Presley and the country that this is a real, decent, fine boy."

"Just cause I come in the crib in the middle of the night escorted by a police officer, you think something's wrong. See how they be tryin to play me Fred?"

"Hey you ladies ever try a threesome?"

David: "Drinking a bit too much. If every night of the week is too much." Dawn: "And every lunch time."

"Doing. Doin. Exsperminate."

"Exqueeze me."

"Every breath you take, every move you make, yeah."

"Yeah. Excellent pupil. Fast learner. She won't be spilling any fluids or lifting anything… A I'm gonna give her… A."

"I'm sort of an expert at photoshop so it turned out fine in the end."

Michael: "Oh, lunch party." Angela: "It's supposed to say 'launch!'" Michael: "Okay. Wow easy, Booster Seat. Nobody cares about this party anyway."

"And now Michael the Magic will now attempt to escape from extreme bondage."

"Actually, it's polite to arrive early. And smart. Only really good friends show up early - ergo, de facto, go to a party early, become a really good friend."

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Man: Alright good luck my friend. Officer: Don’t move your head. Okay. 1… Mancow: Are you going to hold my nose? Officer: Yeah I’m going to hold his nose as he speaks. Mancow: Move down a little you’re squeezing the top of my nose. Officer: There you go. I’m going to have to go this way to get a good grip. Man: Alri...

Drama: "I got every paper in the country." Vince: "How's it lookin?" Drama: "It's a blood bath bro."

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"Everybody Hates Chris."

"Well just because she's not shot doesn't mean she's isn't hurt. If this wasn't an emergency, we wouldn't have come to the emergency room. Look, if she doesn't get to see a doctor, we gonna have to get you a doctor."

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"Yeehaw, copy that you son of a bitch pile of monkey nuts!" Goldmember: "Open wide there Rubber Ducky, I am entering your mouth now over."

"Earth and water."

_

Xerxes: "Embrace me, as your king and as your god." Ephialtes: "Yes!"

"Enjoy your spaghetti, you're very rude."

"You're 2 weeks in and you're like, 'Fuck, no way. I can't stand this person. I'll stay around for 5-6 years and we can end this thing violently, I got time.'"

"A little Everclear punch. We had Everclear punch. Everclear is like 3000 proof grain alcohol. Illegal in 44 states. Makes a nice little mixer. Put it with Hawaiian Punch you got a nice little cordial. Girls are like, 'I can’t even taste it.' We know."

"You would never see an 'Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order' sign, just "Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience'."

"Feels like my eyes have been blown wide open."

"You're not Eddie."

"I'm betting it has something to do with El Nino."

"That's Earth baby!"

"You're an evil genius!"

"Death sent me an e-mail."

"Eric, do you need to sit in the corner until your flaming gas is under control?"

"Maybe we can actually kiss tonight Stan. (Barf noise) Ew gross Stan! Sick! Barf is gross!"

Lady: "Oh, love the Elvis costume, Chef." Chef: "Elvis? I'm Evil Knievel. Why the hell would I dress up like Elvis." Lady: "Well why the hell would you dress up as Evil Knievel?"

Stan & Cartman: " Hey Kenny." Cartman: "Phew! Ew, you stink Kenny!"

"Ehhhh!"

Pip: "Oh good day Damien, my name is Phillip, but everyone calls me Pip, because they hate me." Damien: "Then I will call you Pip."

"My mom said I all have to do is chow on this box..."

"Wow, Wendy looks just like that chick from Grease, Elton John."

"Waited through the entire movie to find out the alien was her goddamned father."

"Would anyone mind cleaning my erasers after class?"

"Or is she Erin Gray in the 2nd season of Buck Rodgers beautiful?"

"Stan has a bit of gastrointestinal problems near Wendy..."

"It's ok Stan... everything's going to be... okay!"

"Eric is obviously suffering from some kind of emotional distress, ok?"

"How am I going to make ends meet, ok? What will I do for money?"

"Keep your eyes peeled boys. Somebody's gonna make love to this chicken..."

"And just what price would you pay for eternal glory?"

"...And when she moved up and down, the little fetus jiggled..."

"Excuse me a moment gentlemen, but I don't know hot to play dodge ball."

"Holy smokes! We could get an Emmy!"

"Mmm, we're environmentalists!"

"My father is John Elway. My father is John Elway! Screw you guys, screw you guys!"

"Say, Charlie, when does that thing die out?"

"Mmm, it looks like my ex-wife!"

"The sewer is a fragile ecosystem."

"Now he's getting sick because his ego..system is all out of whack because of all of the poo in the sewer."

"I've had enough of you! (SPLAT)"

"Ok children, I have some very exciting news for you. Why don't you tell them Mr. Twig?"

Announcer: Today’s singer Eddie Vedder Eddie Vedder: Alright lets sing it for Larry. A 1, a 2, a 3… Take me out to the ball game, Take me out to the crowd; Buy me some peanuts and Cracker Jack, I don't care if I never get back. Let me root, root, root for the home team, If they don't win, it's a shame. Cause it's on...

O Canada! Our home and native land! True patriot love in all thy sons command. With glowing hearts we see thee rise, The True North strong and free! From far and wide, O Canada, We stand on guard for thee. God keep our land glorious and free! O Canada, we stand on guard for thee. O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.

"For an example - where's Cartman?"

"Wait! Wait, you've got a little eye booger, hun."

"Behold! Ewok Village 2000!"

"C'mon! Let's eat already. They gave me extra bread and water."

"They can't tell me what to do... I'm eight years old!"

"Exit! Exit!"

And if someone comes on to you with an attitude you say "eat me."

"If you add an expensive battery, an expensive hybrid on top of expensive electricity from wind and solar you start to build a house of cars that is going to collapse because no one will pay for it."

"Electric cars are too expensive and they're unlikely to come down rapidly. Lithium Ion is not going to be a cheap technology ever in my personal opinion."

Graduate: Our first guest speaker, Mr. Eugene Mirman. LHS class of ’92. Eugene: Hello everybody. Can you hear me? Someone has made a terrible mistake by asking me to do this. I think it was you guys. Anyway, it is an honor so thank you. So here we go. Hello, little dragons. Congratulations! You are now free from you...

"And he fails to get Dave Parker at second base… I tell ya what we're having an earthquake."

"… he did it, number 35 hits number 500…"

"TEAM SPEED FOR CHRIST SAKE? You got ****in' god**** little ****in' fleas out there getting picked off trying to steal, gettin' thrown out, takin' runs away from ya. Ya get some big **********s that can hit the ****in' ball out the ballpark and you can't make any god**** mistakes."

"Dare I say, en fuego."

"And that was not his most elegant effort."

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Previous on Entourage. Turtle: Oh no, the outfits can’t do the movie because the studio had… Vincent: Turtle, relax it’s all going to work out. Eric: That’s great news Ari. Hey guys, the studio head said Vince can do it. Everyone: Hey! Drama: Way to go baby bro. Turtle: Yeah bitches, we own this town. Everyone: Hey...

"Every 33 minutes, the Cylons, they come back."

Shout out to my people, this is Ed McMahon, Rolling slow through the suburbs in an unmarked van, I ran the strip in the 80s, Brought big fat checks to the ladies, When I showed up to their door, They would start screaming like crazy, Raked…was on the VIP list, I was a verbal gun slinger, And my shots never missed, ...

Thos crazy kids are right, I got a similar story, When I retired I was famous, I had money and glory, Bought a house for 6 mil I thought nothing could touch me, Until my credit went south and started to crush me, Next thing I know instead of playing Gin Rummy, I was scrambling just to make ends me, Wasn’t funny, Go...

"This legislation is extraordinarily important for our country, and has taken a great effort on the part of many over the course of months. I want to thank the Chair of the Energy and Commerce Committee, Henry Waxman; his colleagues on that committee, Congressmen John Dingell, Ed Markey, and Rick Boucher. I also wan...

"Attention crew of the Enterprise, this is James Kirk. Mr. Spock has resigned commission and advanced me to acting captain. I know you were all expecting to regroup with the fleet. But I'm ordering a persuit of the enemy ship to earth, I want all the battle stations ready in ten minutes. Either we're going down or t...

"Emotions run deep within our race. In many ways more deeply than in humans. Logic offers a serenity humans seldom experience. The control of feelings so that they do not control you."

"I think it's almost certain that over a 10 year period the equities will do better than fixed dollars investments."

"I said before the game if it goes null-null or the US scores first they have every opportunity to advance."

"A ten-hut! Eyes forward!"

"But she proved that she could be a serious actress in 1984's The Burning Bed. Fawcett took the role as a battered wife who kills her husband. A true story based on a landmark legal case. The role earned her an Emmy nomination; one of three in her career though she never got to take home a statue."

"Ed wants his cheese back."