He's a state prisoner, you asshole! Knock it off! Hold it, you asshole!

Billy Bear: Hey, what about me? Ganz: And I need one more for my friend. Make her an Indian. No, not with a turban. You know, a squaw.

Hey, Peter. It's Sydney Klaven. No, that's not right. Sydney, it's Peter Klaven.

Jack: How's the wife? Algren: Mean as a snake.

Hey, Dick fucking Tracy.

Luther: Hey buddy, I want to pick up my car. Garage Attendant: What's the name? Luther: Hammond... Reggie Hammond. Garage Attendant: This is three years old! Luther: Yeah... I've been busy!

Jack: Have fun, huh? Reggie: I'm gonna have sex, Jack.

Hey, turd-face, guess what? I've taken every single one of your teddy bears, and I've stuffed them down my pants.

Chazz: Hey, I didn't sleep with Katie! Jimmy: I know! Chazz: We didn't even get to second base. Well, maybe I did. What I felt in my pants was weird and shameful. Jimmy: Okay, we can discuss that later! You kind of have to be down here right now or we're gonna be disqualified! Chazz: Katie is not a whore!

He's alive, on life support. Doctors say he's got a 50-50 chance of living, though there's only a 10% chance of that.

Cher: Hey, granola breath, you got something on your chin. Josh: I'm growing a goatee.

Jane: Hello, Mr. Drebin. Frank: Hello. Jane: Ah!

Well, I guess I would have to answer your question with another question. How many abo-digitals do you see modeling?

Crazy Protester: Hey, Mugatu! Screw you and your little dog too! Man in Crowd: Look out! She's got an egg!

"I'm going with the basketball design." - UA Basketball Coach Sean Miller

Mr. Phillips: How should I put this delicately, Mike? Your designs are from another time. Mike: That's kind of you to say, Mr. Phillips. I've always thought of my style as "classic," as well.

Cindy: Hello, Missy. How's your science project coming? I finished mine. Missy: What are you going to do? Hand in your face and call it barf mold?

Hey, there, groovy chick.

Marcia: Hey, I've got it. We can enter that "Search for the Stars" contest. First prize is exactly $20,000. Greg: Hey, that's a nifty idea, Marcia. Peter: Great idea, Marcia. Cindy: Good idea, Marcia. Jan: Am I invisible? Do I not have a voice? I had that idea two days ago. Marcia: Stop being so selfish, Jan...

I Was Looking Back to See If You Were Looking Back to See If I Was Looking Back to See if You Were Looking Back at Me

How's your, um... Meat?

Hum me another one, Snooky Lumps.

Jane: Vincent Ludwig and I... there wasn't anything between us. He likes East German men. Frank: And what about you? Jane: I like cops. Detectives: All right! Yeah!

Ha ha ha! How about that?

Jane: How could you do something so vicious? Vincent Ludwig: It was easy my dear. You forget, I spent two years as a building contractor.

Hey, it's Enrico Pallazzo!

Khadafi: Hey, who are you? Frank: I'm Lt. Frank Drebin! Police Squad! And don't ever let me catch you guys in America!

Ken: Hey, that's a pretty nice clock. Wonder why they threw it out. Al: Probably because it's four minutes too slow. Here. Let me fix it. There.

Frank: How are the children? Jane: We didn't have any children.

Banquet Lady: For a man in a wheelchair, he certainly gets around marvellously. Banquet Woman #1: Oh, I know!

Chris: Hey, have you ever thought of telling Sarah how you feel? Joe: Ah, what would a girl like Sarah want with a simple Nebraska boy like me? I don't know nothing about fancy cars and fancy restaurants. Still, i'd love to show her a full-moon night on the cornfields.

Gary: Hey, guys, I think we should pull over. Chechnyan: Pull over? Yes, of course. Pull over, let them pass us, and when they turn around, we charge them. I love your balls.

Lt. Frank Drebin: How are the children? Jane Spencer: We didn't have any children. Lt. Frank Drebin: Oh, yes, of course. Jane Spencer: How was your prostate operation? Lt. Frank Drebin: Oh, Fine. Good as new. In fact better than ever.

Help! George! George, help! Help! Help me! George! George!

Muriel Dillon: How's my little boy? Getting along OK, sweetie? Rocco Dillon: As well as a heterosexual can in prison.

Hey, you're one groovy chick. You're really happening in a far-out way.

Hey, you're one groovy chick.

Hi, everybody. It's the new Jan Brady. Am I a hit? Do you like it?

Hey... what about me?

How can I make it up to you?

Jane: Can I interest you like a nightcap? Frank: No, thank you, I don't wear them.

Dr. Eisendrath: Maybe it's your fault. Have you tried sexy lingerie? Some lacy underwear, a black teddy? Frank: I've tried wearing them all. They don't work.

Having a baby is a big responsibility. It's like being in charge of sanitation at a Haitian jail.

Here. Hit the road, bad seed.

Ed: Hiya, Frank! Nordberg: Good to see ya buddy. Ed: You look terrific! Frank: Thank you, Ed. I'm taking a step class and the little woman got me a Thighmaster for Christmas.

And now here's a dedication to Frank from Jane who just called from a taxi. And it reads, "Frank, you lying weasel-weenie. It's bad enough you're shooting blanks. Now you're leaving the door wide open, letting all the heat out. Were you born in a barn, you stupid..."

Hey, why the gloom?

Hi, this is Frank. And Jane. We're the Drebins. We're not home right now, so leave a message.

Frank: Hey, Rocco, who's the old hag? She take one in the face? Rocco: She's my mother.

Hey, lose the hat. You'll be okay.

How could those losers win anything?

Hey, there, groovy chicks. You're all happening in far out ways.

Reservationist: Hi, I'm earth. Have we met? Richard: I don't think so.

He's a big, dumb animal, isn't he, folks?

How's about a little punch?

Hey, I can get a good look at a t-bone by sticking my head up a bull's ass, but i'd rather take the butcher's word for it.

Tommy: He seems like a nice guy. Richard: He's trying to buy the company and put you out on the street. And you say, "he seems like a nice guy."

He is so dreamy, isn't he?

He's so outtasight.

Well, it sounds like you have a serious case of... "middle child syndrome." But you needn't worry. Here's a copy of my book... and my tapes.

Hey, Heidi, go yodel in your own yard, huh?

Jane Spencer: How could you! Tanya Peters: Well, you just shove your tongue as far down his throat as you can.

Frank Drebin: Hey! You call this slop? Real slop has got chunks of things in it! This is more like gruel! And this Château le Blanc '68 is supposed to be served slightly chilled! This is room temperature! What do you think we are, animals? Convicts: No! Frank Drebin: Then what are we? Mess Hall Convict: Uh... ...

How can a man get excited about a woman he's never seen?

lucky me

Hippopotamus shit!

He's got a point. Cassius Clay was a bad motherfucker.

Saul: He beat Joe Louis' ass. Morris: That's right he did whop Joe Louis' ass. Clarence: Joe Louis was 75 years old when they fought! Morris: I don't know how old he was, but he got his ass whooped.

Akeem: Hi! Lisa: Hello. Akeem: Hello. Lisa: Hi...

Akeem: Excuse me. Saul: Hey, it's Kunta Kinte.

"He who would learn to fly one day must first learn to stand and walk." "One cannot fly into flying." That is not mine, that is Nietzsche's.

Journalist #3: How does it feel to be back on the Enterprise bridge? Journalist #1: Captain Chekov, what are the most significant changes... Journalist #3: Captain Kirk, can I ask you a few questions? Journalist #1: Did you participate in the redesign? Journalist #3: We'd like to know how you feel about bein...

(evil laugh)

What's up Steve-O? Steve-O, I know you were in a dark place for awhile, you were struggling, but now you're trying stand up comedy. I actually saw you perform once at the Comedy Cellar, and here's some free advice Steve-O: Don't give up your suicide.

Patrice O'Neal is here. You literally cannot miss him. Holy Christ your fat, you look like you deep fry your hands before you bite your fingernails.

Charlie's nostrils are so snotty and full of coke he calls them the Hilton sisters.

HARVEST [Full Album] by Neil Young

And now a joke. How much blow could Charlie Sheen do? Enough to kill Two and a Half Men.

Charlie's still close to his exes. Why, well just recently he took Brooke Mueller to Mexico. Where he banged her ass so hard 3 balloons of coke fell out. But charlie's a gentleman, he put them back in!

Mox: Hold on. It's got to be true-false. Billy Bob, the man's holding up some fingers. True or false? Billy Bob: True? Mox: He's all right, coach.

Mox: How come you never dress like that? Jules: Costs a lot of money to look that cheap.

Human females are so repulsive. Ugh!

Hey! Now remember, don't eat the valet.

How's that for a metaphysical paradox? Looks like you got exactly what you wanted!

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall.

Hey, you have to take me to dinner first.

Donkey: Wait a minute. I think I got something. Whatever it is, it's sweet. Shrek: Fiona. Donkey: Luscious and tasty. Shrek: Hey! That's my wife you're talking about.

Hey, Shrek! Are my babies cute, or do they make people feel uncomfortable?

Fiona: Hey, we make a pretty good team. Shrek: You have no idea.

Evelyn Mulwray: Hollis seems to think you're an innocent man. Gittes: Well I've been accused of a lot of things before, Mrs. Mulwray, but never that.

Hey, wait a minute. Where are we going? I don't want to go to school.

He said anus. Uh huh huh huh...

Hello, Claude. Where'd you get the midget?

How do you like them apples?

Holed up. Huh huh huh... Hole.

Hey, wait a minute. Hey, what's going on? Aah! We're gonna die! Aah! We're all gonna die!

Jake Gittes: How much are you worth? Noah Cross: I have no idea. How much do you want? Jake Gittes: I just wanna know what you're worth. Over 10 million? Noah Cross: Oh my, yes! Jake Gittes: Why are you doing it? How much better can you eat? What could you buy that you can't already afford? Noah Cross: The...

Gittes: He's rich, do you understand? Escobar: Shut up! Gittes: ...Thinks he'll get away with anything!

Lt. Escobar: How'd you get past the guard? Jake Gittes: Well, to tell you the truth, I lied a little.

He never watched television, and yet his biggest magazine... Is still the TV Digest.

My father wasn't built for the 21st century. He never went to McDonald's, not once.

Hey! Friends of me! Hello! Let the fun ensue.

That is the real thing. His paintbrush painted the vanilla sky...

Flight Attendant: Hi. We're serving dinner now. Our selections tonight are chicken piccata or seafood gumbo. Beavis: piccata. Titicaca.... Man on Plane: Does the gumbo have corn in it? Beavis: I am cornholio. I need piccata for my bung-hole.

Holy god. This is going to change my life in a zillion different ways. I must be nuts.

His favorite Beatle was once John, and now it's Paul.

Brian: Hey. What's up with your face? Fuck! There's a seam opening or something. Ah! David Aames. David: You fucking asshole. Brian: I know.

He's my son. He's very shy.

He can't even do the simple things, like fail locally.

Had to get one in, didn't you?

Honey I think it will be so good for us to be away from your... from our families.

Oh, god. You just made me wet. How can you do that with your voice? You just make your voice like that.

Aurora: Oh, I'm sorry, sweetheart. I was just thinking. Emma: Thinking what? Aurora: How much I hate to part with money.

COB: Seaman Jones here, he's, uh... he's into music in a big way. He figures this whole boat is basically just his own personal, private stereo set. So, he gets this piece of Pavarotti... Seaman Jones: It was Paganini. COB: Whatever. Seaman Jones: It was Paganini. COB: Look, this is my story, okay? Seaman ...

Ramius: How many agents did the KGB put aboard my boat? Putin: Your boat, Captain? Ramius: Yes. Putin: This vessel belongs to the people of the Soviet Union.

He's liable to ask some direct questions. Give him direct answers. Tell him what you think.

Before we begin, Captain, I'd like to know exactly what happened to Putin. He didn't slip on his tea, did he?

Capt. Bart Mancuso: Have I got this straight, Jonesy? A $40 million computer tells you you're chasing an earthquake, but you don't believe it, and you come up with this on your own? Seaman Jones: Yes, sir. Capt. Bart Mancuso: Including all the navigation maps? Seaman Jones: Sir, I, I've got all the... Capt. ...

How do you do, Captain? It's a pleasure to be aboard.

Seaman Jones: Hull popping. Target's coming shallow. Jack: What's that mean? Mancuso: That means he's a very cool customer, your Russian.

Capt. Bart Mancuso: How did you know that his next turn would be to starboard? Jack Ryan: I didn't. I had a 50/50 chance. I needed a break. Sorry. Capt. Bart Mancuso: That's all right, Mr Ryan. My Morse is so rusty, I could be sending him dimensions on Playmate of the Month.

He's turning green...

Bill Steiner: Hey I think someone just shot a torpedo at us! Capt. Bart Mancuso: No shit, Buckwheat, now get the hell out of here!

Navigator C-2A: Hey, you want a bite? Jack Ryan: Jack, next time you get a bright idea just put it in a memo!

Donkey: How in the Hans Christian Andersen am I supposed to parade around in these goofy boots? Puss in Boots: Hey, hey, hey! Be very careful with those. Hee-haw! They were made in Madrid by the finest... Hee-haw! Donkey: Oh, you'll learn to control that.

Arthur: He's a star, people! Hello? I'm so sorry about this, Mr. Shrek. Shrek: I'm going to lose it! Arthur: I assume you have everything ready for tonight? You did get the list for the dressing room? Donkey: Yeah. The breakfast croissant stuffed with seared sashimi tuna. And I hope you have the saffron corn w...

Snow White: Had we stayed put like I suggested, we'd be sipping tea out of little heart-shaped cups. Cinderella: Yeah, heart-shaped cups. Snow White: And eating crumpets smothered with loganberries. Cinderella: Yeah, loganberries. Snow White: Shut up, Cindy. Cinderella: Yeah, shut up.

Hey, butt-head, this book kicks ass. There's this talking snake, and a naked chick, and then this dude puts a leaf on his schlong.

How do we know about any of us?

Butt-Head: Hey, Beavis, check it out. I'm jacking off. Uh huh huh huh. Uh heh heh heh. Beavis: Yeah.

Man in Bar: Hey, you, Dundee. Where can a man shoot some crocs around here, eh? Dundee: How would I know, shit for brains?

Sue: How old are you? Dundee: Don't know. Uh, what year is this? Sue: You don't know? Walter: Time doesn't mean much up here, miss. The Aborigines don't have calendars. Dundee: I was raised by the local tribe. I asked a tribal elder when I was born. He said, "in the summertime."

Dundee: Yeah. Anyway he wasn't happy with the grip he had on me so he let me go to get a better one, and I talked him out of it. Sue: Talked?

Sue: How does he find his way in the dark? Dundee: He thinks his way. A lot of people believe that they're telepathic. Neville: Ooooh, God, I hate the bush.

Dundee: How do you like your Goanna? Medium? Well done? Sue: You don't really expect me to eat that? Dundee: Yeah, its great. Yeah, try some of these yams, try the grubs and the sugar ants. Just bite the end off, they're really sweet. Black fellas love 'em. Sue: What about you, aren't you having any? Dundee:...

Karla: He's like a regular Tarzan... wrestles crocodiles, eats snakes. Is this your first trip to New York? Dundee: First trip anywhere. Simone: Well, hell. We might just have to give you one for free. Dundee: Yeah. One what?

Dundee: Have a nice day, Oiving. Irving: No worries, mate.

Sue: Mick! Mick dundee! Ooowweee! Tall Man: What's up, lady? Sue: I got to talk to that man down the end. The one in the black hat. Tall Man: Hey! Lady wants to talk to the guy in the black hat! Hardhat in Subway: Hey, fella! You in the hat! The lady down the end wants to see you! What does she want? Har...

Archbishop Gilday: Paulus sextus, pontifex maximus... Fredo: Hail Mary, full of grace... Archbishop Gilday: Precibus nobis adhibit libenti... Fredo: Blessed art thou amongst women... Archbishop Gilday: Animo concedente... Fredo: And blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray fo...

How are you, Joe? Zasa.

Hey, you speak english? How far is it to Camp Crystal Lake? That far, huh? Okey-dokey. See you later.

Ned: He neglected to mention that downtown they call this place Camp Blood. Marcie: Next you'll say there are poisonous snakes in the outhouse and crocodiles in the lake. Ned: No, the crocodiles are in the cabins.

Officer Dorf: Hey, don't get smart. Ned: Me? I'm dumb as they come.

"Here's hoping Tony sings better at Teatro Massimo than he does in the shower."

Alice: How can you guys eat that stuff? It looks like dead animals. Ned: Dead animals? That's the old counselors. You cannibal.

Steve should never have opened this place again. There's been too much trouble here. Did you know that a young boy drowned the year before those two others were killed? The counselors weren't paying any attention. They were making love while that young boy drowned. His name was Jason. I was working the day that it h...

Vincent Mancini: You tell him for me he can live, or he can die. Michael Corleone: Vincent, will you shut up?

Prostitute #1: Hurry, grow up, boy. I'll wait for you. Prostitute #2: Cherry boy. You want to go to school? I'll teach you nice.

Byron: How long you going to hang around Seattle? Zack: Get ready man. This one will blow you away. Byron: Hey man, nothing you do is ever going to surprise me. Tell me. Zack: I joined the Navy.

10/03/2011 Hank Williams, Jr. interview on "Fox and Friends"

"No no no, he needs to know, he's always cryin!"

He will make an excellent drone.

Picard: How are you doing, Mr. Worf? Worf: Not well, sir. Try not to look at the stars. Keep your eyes on the hull. Let's go.

Hello, pussy.

Bill: I can't get it till it comes out. Alice: Call him. Bill: How do you call a snake?

Hey, Foley's queer! He got his balls shot off in the war!

Rob: How did you guys plan all this? Jason: Easy, you're naive. Let's go.

Zack: I don't get this. He's the best candidate in the class! The best student, the best leader... the best friend to everybody. Can't you bend your goddamn rules for once? Worley: Zack he didn't ask me to DOR. I went to him.

Paula: Lynette. Zack: Has Sid been here? Lynette: Already come and gone. Zack: What happened? Lynette: Can you believe it? He DOR'd in the 12th week. How can you win? Zack: Lynette... What did you tell him about the baby? That there isn't one...as of today. I got my period this morning. I couldn't believ...

Mayo: Hey. Byron: Hey, kid! Are you Zack? Young Zack: Yes, sir. Byron: I'm Byron; nice to meet you. Come on, let's get your bags, OK? Young Zack: Yes, sir.

Hey, the shirt! Watch the shirt, stupid.

Hey! Double bubble! Come on, baby! I'll give you a ride! Lets go.

Pedro: Hey, that's false advertising, man. Man: I know, but listen, I slept in a ditch last night, man. I almost froze my balls off man. Pedro: I didn't think you had any man. I wouldn't even a stopped.

Pedro: Hey, man, how far you going, man? Man: Right here would be fine, man. Pedro: You ain't scared of a little speed, are you, man? Man: Oh, you got some speed, man?

Man: Hey, you want to get high, man? Pedro: Does Howdy Doody got wooden balls, man?

Hey, I'm just a love machine And I don't work for nobody but you I'm just a love machine And I don't work for nobody but you...

Pedro: Hey, what's in this shit, man? Man: Mostly Maui-wowie, man. Pedro: Yeah? Man: But it's got some Labrador in it. Pedro: What's Labrador? Man: It's dog shit.

Pedro: Hey, man... am I driving okay? Man: I think we're parked, man.

Hey, Tony, you know somethin'? You're the King out there. You're great. You're a great dancer.

Hey, Doreen, it ain't no blow job.

Joey: Hey, Doreen, it ain't no blow job. Double J.: You don't know fuck about women, Joey. You get a blow job easier than you get that. Tony: I noticed. Doreen: I love to watch you dance, Tony. Tony: Oh, yeah? Doreen: I love it. I love to watch you dance. I.. I.. I.. just love it... watchin' you dance... ...

Hey, Monti, what're you playin' that shit for?

Rob! Rob! I can't... Oh, God! I can't move. It fell. My apartment... The whole wall fell on me! I'm bleeding! I'm bleeding. I can't move. Oh, my God. Help me, Rob.

Hud: Hey, Rob, listen. You got to think this through, man. Okay? Beth lives in Midtown. Midtown is that way. Guess what else is that way? Marlena: Will you wait up? Hud: Some horrific shit is in Midtown! Marlena: This is insane, okay?

Come on, my mighty lust limb can transport you to paradise, to ecstasy and back. No other man will ever be able to satisfy you again.

Beowulf: How many monsters must I slay? Grendel's mother, father, Grende's uncle? Must I hack down a whole family tree of demons? Hrothgar: She is the last of them. With her gone, demonkind will slip back into the darkness from whence it came. Wiglaf: And where it belongs. Beowulf: And the mother's mate? Where is...

Olaf: Oy, Hondshew. How was she? Hondshew: Nah. Not my type. Olaf: I know your type. Baah! Baah!

He's torn the limbs from the beast! Beowulf has killed him!

Hansel.

Right now, this guy is so hot, he can take a crap, wrap it in tin foil, put a couple of fishhooks on it and sell it to Queen Elizabeth as earrings.

Jaco, I hear you, but the kid's mixed up. He went home. He's talking about going off to ponder and tutoring underprivileged retards or some shit.