"What's happening to you?"
Mr. Kincaid: "I have no doubt you can break a million." Stan: "Really? That'd be sweet." Mr. Kincaid: "I think you could. But, uh, as for your friend, well to be honest, I think he's holding you back."
"Have you ever heard of…Heroin Hero."
"I thought I was having a great time because I was getting signed by managers and going to big sex and coke parties, but then I realized I was having fun because I was doing all that with my best friend."
Principal Victoria: "It's okay, Eric. We all understand, and we think you're very brave." Kyle: "He's faking!!"
"This Saturday I will go on national television live. I will say horrible things on the air, despicable things and people will call me brave."
"No my Tourette's has gotten worse. Before I just blurted out cool stuff about Jews being lame and stuff. But now its gotten really bad."
Butler: "Then it all made sense to me. How could Bono be talented, so caring and yet seem like such a piece of crap. Because he is crap. Don't you get it. Bono is not the record holder…" Stan: "He's the record."
Kyle: "Dude, that is awesome, I had no idea you could do that." Cartman: "Oh yeah dude, having Mexicans around totally kicks fucking ass."
Kyle: "Dude, what are all these homeless people doing in front of your house?" Stan: "I don't know!" Cartman: "There's a bunch outside my house too." Hobo: "Spare any change sir?" Cartman: "No, fuck off!"
"We're here to find out how to get rid of the homeless, not how many homeless Cartman can jump!"
"Excuse me, have you boys seen a leprechaun anywhere lately?"
"No, he's just a Care Bear."
Clyde: "He's not gonna show up to suck your balls dude." Cartman: "He has to, he's been ordered by the court."
"No! No, he has to suck my balls."
"Jesus Christ! Help!"
"Hey you guys!"
"Carlton can't help you, he's on the debate team. Pfff."
"Oh yeah sure Ash, just look for the huddle of girls with the chocolate center. Haha."
"Hi ho, Kermit the frog here."
"Has he passed the forklift driver's test? He gives the test."
"You're fired Keenan, drunkard. Hypocrite warning."
"Who's to say that hiring staff won't save money in the long run?"
Gareth: "Who are you?" Woman: "Have you not met me husband, Paul?" Gareth: "Husband? Husband? No way, not interested. I'm not having another fellow involved. Not another bloke. Another girl maybe. I don't even want him watching."
Jim: "I really love the ah, paper triangle flicking and hitting things game." Kevin: "We call it hate ball." Jim: "Why?" Kevin: "Because of how much Angela hates it."
"I'm not one for making speeches but uh, my heart is very full at this moment."
"You know it's cleaning day here today? Coulda used some of that famous Hispanic cleaning ethic."
"I will have a chicken breast, hold the chicken."
"Guess what I found out about Oscar tonight? He was lying about being sick."
"Do I believe that Michael possesses the skills to survive in a hostel environment? Lets put it this way, no I do not."
"Toby's great, he's great. But sometimes he can be a little bit much."
"Birthday dear Creed. Happy birthday to you! Yeah!"
Dwight: "Her chart doesn't indicate that she had a hysterectomy, but she did or at least she got time off for one." Intern: "Ah, so, uh, so that is where her uterus went."
"Hi Stankly, how many sponsors so far?"
"How dare you."
"His name is Garbage. Moe's calls him Garbage because he likes to eat garbage. Don't you garbage."
Angela: "I can't believe you just thought you could replace Sprinkles before she's even in the ground." Dwight: "You haven't buried her yet?" Angela: "Don't rush me, I'm grieving."
GPS: "Make the next right turn." Michael: "How do they know? How does this know where to turn? That's very impressive."
Michael: "How many pounds do you think I can loose by 7?" Kelly: "Depends, how much have you eaten already today?"
"Oh no it's bad. It's real bad. It's like eating a hot circle of garbage."
"We would like to order some good pizza from Alfredo's Pizza Café while we wait for the hostage situation with the bad pizza to end."
Pam: "You came up to my desk and you said, 'this might sound weird, and there's no reason for me to know this, but that mixed berry yogurt you're about to eat has expired.'" Jim: "That was the moment that you knew you liked me." Pam: "Yep." Jim: "Wow. Can we make it a different moment?" Pam: "Nope."
David Wallace: "This was a gift from Lee Iacocca. Twenty year old, single malt, scotch." Michael: "Here is to Mr. Iacocca, and his failed experiment, the De Lorean."
"Hey, hey hey, it's Fat Halpert. Jim Halpert."
"Well, happy birthday, Jesus. Sorry your party is so lame."
"You know Jan has my credit cards and she's using 'em as if I'm made of money. She thinks I'm a human ATM machine."
Jim: "Dwight, how's the hotel business?" Dwight: "Stupid."
Here's our pony, we're gonna ride it out of here nice and easy, klip-ity clop."
"Let me tell the story about Bessie from Pike crossed the cosmos with her boyfriend Spike … and a digital fog, la la la la."
"What are you doing out here with those little flags? Having your own little parade?"
"Heroes, yuck. They give me indigestion, nausea - that burning sensation!"
Anchor: They made headlines in a sex scandal in the 90s and now Mary K. Letourneau and Vili Fualaau are making headlines again. In 1997 Letourneau was a teacher convicted of having sex with Fualaau who was only 13 at the time. Denise is telling us what they’re up to now. Denise… Denise: Dan they got a new act togeth...
Have you ever reused a piece of dental floss? Then it’s time for hard times with Ze Frank. Hard times. Do you love illusions but don’t have the money to go out and see magicians perform their douchery and magic? Well luckily the best kind of illusions is free, optical illusions. Optical illusions are illusions perfo...
Man: Hip-Hop Nursery Rhymes, the collection of the nursery rhymes, the collection of the nursery rhymes you know and love set to some of the hottest pieces of hip hop. Woman: You never heard this old man like this before. Man: All of the original music and bonus tracks. This is hip-hop with lyrics the whole family...
"He hits from both sides of the plate, he's amphibious."
"[In Spanish]90% of the game, is half mental."
Anchor: A Lodi woman created controversy over a sign she posted after someone ran over her cat. Woman: Hit a cat and I’ll hit your kid. It’s very shocking, it’s disturbing. Anchor: Tina said she put up the sign to get speeding drivers to pay attention and slow down. Last week her cat was killed right in front of her...
Tot el camp és un clam, som la gent blaugrana, tant se val d'on venim, si del Sud o del Nord. Ara estem d'acord, estem d'acord, una bandera ens agermana. Blaugrana al vent, un crit valent, tenim un nom, el sap tothom: Barça, Barça, Barça! Jugadors, seguidors, tots units fem força. Són molts anys ple...
Chris: "Alright then, hold my books." Greg: "Hold my books." Chris: "Hold my sweater." Greg: "Hold my vest." Chris: "Hold my watch." Greg: "Hold my Star Trek bracelet." Chris: "Hold my shoes."
Chris: "Hold my watch." Greg: "Hold my Star Trek bracelet."
"I had heard about allowances, but I didn't know they actually existed. I thought it was just somethin that happened on TV."
"Instead of Drew wearing my old clothes, I wore his old clothes. I think I was the first kid to get hand me ups."
Narrator: "I know it sounded like an innocent enough question, but here's what he heard." Chris: "Since you work like a slave all day and don't have any time to enjoy your own money, can I have it?"
Julius: "We need to celebrate. Do somethin we've never done." Narrator: "That could mean anything from goin to the movies to holdin hands in the living room."
"Hey, hey, Happy Turkey day!"
Bruce: "Haven't given up on me yet?" Alfred: "Never."
"Having trouble? Take a seat. Have a drink. You look like a man who takes himself too seriously. Do you want my opinion? You need to lighten up."
"Outside, he was a giant. In here, only the mind can grant you power."
Dr. Evil: "Howareyoudowa." Scott: "How bout I what?" Dr. Evil: "Howboutyoudoing?" Scott: "What are you…" Dr. Evil: "Howboutyoudoing." Scott: "I don't even…" Dr. Evil: "Howboutyoudon't." Scott: "Honesty isn't this..." Dr. Evil: "How bout you don't. Ladies and gentlemen Scotty don't."
"There are only two things I can't stand in this world. People who are intolerant of other people's cultures and the Dutch."
"My birth mother was incinerated. I only survived because her smoking carcass formed a protective cocoon of slaughtered human effluence."
"He ain't heavy. He's my brother baby, yeah!"
The killer calls Sidney.
“He slimed me.”
Leonidas: "Spartans! What is your profession?" Spartans: "Harooh! Harooh! Harooh!"
"The god king has portrayed a fatal flaw - hubris."
"Lead my soldiers to the hidden path behind the cursed Spartans and your joys will be endless."
"The what is the lesson you would like to leave? Should I begin to enumerate all of them: honor, duty, glory."
Councilor: "This is outrage." Theron: "Ah the hypocrite speaks."
Stelios: "It is an honor to die by your side." Leonidas: "It is an honor to have lived at yours."
"It is so true, that is why it is funny. It is so true, hence funny."
"He says his johnson is color-blond and the bane of his existence."
"I saw a human pyramid before, it was very unnecessary."
"I played golf. I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. That's way more satisfying. You're supposed to yell, 'Fore!' I was too busy yelling, 'There ain't no way that's gonna hit him!'"
"I hate flossing, I wish I just had one long curvy tooth."
"You guys are great - here's a tomato!"
"I went for tooth decay. They did awful thing, he ripped my teeth out my gum. I cannot talk, I cannot eat. He curse me and hit me while I was sleeping."
"You've got to help me, Allah. I pray to Allah that somebody help me. Please help me."
These gentlemen volunteered to demostrate how a stun gun is used to subdue a suspect. In the face! In the face!
Her husband, he's gonna kill us! He's from Australia, they just kill things there!
Let me give you a little motto I live my life by. You gotta hit it and quit it. No ties, tangle free, nobody tells me what to do, I gotta go bang bang bang the drum.
A woman comments on what she thinks of Shadow Hare and his fellow super heroes.
"You have the head of a cookie. I want to eat you."
"For a larger woman you hardly sweat at all."
"You want the truth?! Well I can't handle the truth!"
"And to think, I had my hand in that man's humidor!"
"Thank you sir, may I have another?"
"Hey baby, what's shaking?"
Gina: "Tell your uncle Joey what you've been up to lately." Michael: "Well, uh, now that college is done I'm just doing some grad work over at CalTech Center for Simulation of Dynamic Response Materials." Gina: "Can you believe he came out of me?"
Bobbie Morgenstern: "What's that?" Joey: "Oh, it's a portfolio of hairstyles." Bobbie: "What?"
Eric's Mom: "How about a nice chocolate chicken pot pie then?" Cartman: "Well, that does sound pretty good..."
Stan: "That was beautiful dude, did it work?" Kyle: "Hey you scrawny ass $!@...(continues screaming and swearing)" Stan: "Hey Wendy, what's a $#@%$?"
"Hey you cows can't get on this train, this is a people train. You guys have no business on a people train alright, cause you're cows. No no, no, don't try any of your cow hypnosis on me alright? It's not gonna work."
Wendy: "Hi guys." Kids: "Hi Wendy." Wendy: "Here Stan, this is for you. (Stan barfs) Ew!"
"Hey, that kinda looks like Tom Selleck."
Kids: "Trick or Treat." Man at door: "Hope you kids like chocolate peanut butter Cream Puffies. AAAhhhhhh, get it off, get it off me!" (Eating noises) Cartman: "Damnit! We'll never get any candy if Kenny keeps eating people!" Stan: "Yeah, that's it Kenny, you can't trick or treat with us anymore!"
Chef: "Hello children." Kids: "Hey Chef." Chef: "What in the hell are you doin dressed up like that?" Cartman: "Eating Kenny's pudding."
"In other news, a pink eye epidemic is now sweeping the town of south park. Here with a live report is a midget wearing a bikini."
"Hey Kenny, are you going to eat your pudding? (Imitating Kenny's voice) No Eric, go ahead and eat my pudding if you'd like.(In his own voice) Why thank you Kenny, how nice of you."
"How can he be mad with such pretty hair and rosy cheeks?"
Cartman's Mom: "Hello there, Happy Halloween!" Zombie: "Must eat brains…" Cartman's Mom: "It's the most wonderful time of the year. Do do do do dodo do dodo."
Stan: "Jesus, Jesus." Jesus: "Hi kids, I only do autographs after the show!"
Stan: "Dude, he turned Kenny into a duckbilled platypus." Kyle: "A what?" Cartman: "Hey, turn him back you butthole! He has to buy me the Yellow MegaMan!"
Jesus: "Behold, the evil one approaches." Mr. Garrison: "Holy poop on a stick!"
Stan: "Here Jesus, drink these raw eggs." Jesus: "No way dude."
"Oh, here comes the unholy butthole now. Hey, thanks a lot for burning everything down, you little bitch!"
"I didn't want people at school to know, so I told them I had herpes."
"Being hot and sexy is fun for a while, but it sure does get boring."
"I feel weak... how do I look?"
"And to think, I actually watched your HBO special"
"Oh my god, help me!"
"You don't count, Halfy, you don't have any legs."
"Garrison? That's impossible, he's gay!"
"Heh, heh, huh, yeah, right. Like I'm some hippie Indian."
"I mean, I did know who he was, well, we had some great times together, hunting and fishing..."
"Oh, hell no! I can't bear to see that!"
Ike murmurs a bit
"I know, drugs are bad, because if you do drugs, you're a hippy, and hippies suck."
"Hey Mackey. What do you and Homer Simpson have in common? Dope!"
"You couldn't screw anything Halfie, you don't have any legs."
"It's a hard job, but then again, I'm a hard man."
"...to honor Officer Barbrady, and his heroic work on the Chicken fucker case."
"Whoa dude! How do you have sex with a chicken?"
"I don't know, I think our boys might just have the dead fetus to win- HEART!"
"Here we go Cows, here we go! Uh Uh! Here we go Cows, here we go! Uh Uh!"
"And if you don't, you're a big dumbass European hippie piece of crap."
"Hmmm, maybe because he's an old drunk hillybilly dick?"
"Aw, he'll be fine. I'll just take him home and show him some hardcore porn."
"I'm Jimbo Kearn, and this here is Ned. Say 'Hi' Ned!"
"Ned, you take flank position! I'll try to keep it turned away from you!"
"And Ned won the Purple Heart for his courageous defense of the Log Ride..."
"Welcome the only man in town who has a fully stocked wine cellar... Jeeeeeesus Christ!"
"And now back to Huntin' and Killin' with South Park's favorite hunters, Jimbo and Ned!"
"Had to happen to me, didn't it?"
The Fonz says 'Heyyyy'
"Success is hollow, Mitch. Hollow like a dead tree. I think its time for me to give it up."
"Oh, Happy Summer, isn't it?"
"You act out your gay persona with a homosexual puppet."
"... Like a big hunk of dirt with a carrot sticking out of it."
"Oh, I was just, er, uh... hanging out."
The 'Frosty-esque' Mr. Hanky song
"Are you going to be ok dude? I'm here for you!"
"He's dead! Mr. Hanky's dead!"
"Hi Mr. Hanky, nice to see you."
"I give you Hollywood in South Park, hahahaha!"
"Independent films are those black and white hippy movies. They're always about gay cowboys eating pudding."
Augie's Mom: Hey why don't you come over for dinner on Saturday night - we can get to know you a little bit better. Danny: I don't think so. It's not you, I hate having dinner with people.
Talking about a head swap Talkin’ ‘bout a head swap First you take a head, Then you put it on another body, Like if Nicolas Cage’s head was on Helen Hunt’s body, That’s a head swap. First you take a photo of some famous people, Then you scan the photo into your computer, Then you email ‘em to the graphics departme...
"I'm the computer man. I'm the Macintosh man with the virus scan. Moving your files across the land. Some Photoshop and After Dark, get your Microsoft…express your…Millions of colors with a few RAM chips, How about a system crash that will make you flip. I'm the computer man! I'm saying Windows '95 is a plug and tra...
Jay: "How many stars on that flag?" Woman: "It's moving too fast to count them."
"Your haiku insults have no effect on me Kyle, I'm regional champion."
"Oh no, apparently he thinks he is Charleton Heston."
"Even your highly intelligent policeman is no match for me!"
"But first I want to show you how the planetarium works."
"I hope so Wendy, he has such a hot ass."
"Don't forget, you need to cut school early and wait for the hot tub to arrive."
"You guys, seriously, my back. Seriously... help. Screw you guys... hate you guys!"
"Apparently he thinks he's a Vietnamese prostitute named Ming Lee."
"Oh yeah dude, lets get his ass to the rodeo."
"Wow, this house is huge!"
"You guys are hellastupid. If I had money I wouldn't give it to you assholes."
"God, I hate you Kenny. I've got to get another knife, this one is helladull."
"How's Kenny going to get one? He's hellapoor!"
"Who's we? Do you have a turd in your pocket? I'm going home, I'm hellahungry!"
"Oh, this movie is hellascary!"
"Oh look! Police Chief Stevens got a new haircut."
"Sure... we'll punish you after the holidays!"
"Come here and give your great grandma some huggies."
"Awwww, the hell with you!"
"Cartman? Why do you always have to hit stuff with a stick?"