Andy: Hey, he's waiting for his daughter downstairs. You wanna meet him? Jim: Meet him? I wanna have his babies!
Hello. Bo's listening. What's up?
Harp Player Jim. Thanks for the ride home yesterday afternoon and doing my laundry. Bo Diddley. P.S. Tell Slim the tuna melt was Bo-licious.
Hey, get me a needle and thread because my sides are splitting.
Hey. What are Tree Buddies for?
Jim: What... What are you doing here? Cindy: Well, he is not going to sell you a hot tub he wouldn't relax in himself. Tim: And I'm here to tell you this old boat passes muster, mister.
Gracie: How about a magic tiara? Jim: That was second on my list.
Hey, Jim, will you check on that Full House lunch box? It... It comes with an Uncle Jesse thermos. He made lunch cool.
Jim: How's it hangin'? Cheryl: "How's it hangin'?" How's what hangin'? Dana: He thinks you're a guy.
Cheryl: Hey, how about that game last night? Dana: What game? Cheryl: Oh, come on, there's always a game somewhere.
Cheryl: He buys sports memorabilia off the Internet and he hides it from her in his tool cabinet in the garage. Dana: My God! That poor woman! Cheryl: Oh, please, she's a sap.
Jim: How far did you go? Andy: Just to the corner. Then I threw up on an anthill.
He stood there and told me I couldn't get a dryer and yet, and yet, he's spending money on this, on this pucky thing signed by Bobby Hull.
Cheryl: Honey, you got a new dryer? JIm: Yes, I did. Happy birthday, Merry Christmas, and happy birthday.
Hallelujah. It's raining pencils.
Sam: Yeah, he told me it was possible that I was partially brain damaged. I still believe that. Andi: Hmm.
Babe, he's a demon. He eats guys like you for breakfast. And sometimes lunch. Mostly for dinner.
Have no fear, O'Riley's here. And one Irishman is worth 10,000...
Captain James T. Kirk: He's an android? Like Brown? Ruk: More complex than Brown. Much superior. I was left here by the Old Ones.
How about a ball gag? Or fur-lined cuffs?
Jay: How is she ever going to learn to be responsible and mature if we don't give her a chance to prove it? Michael: Hey, she can do all that when she's married and out of my house.
Jim: Haven't you found a thing yet? McCoy: Would you like to take a crack at it?
Cheryl: You got Kenny from work? Jim: Yeah. So what? Cheryl: Isn't he a little dim? Jim: No, he's a genius I pay eight bucks an hour to clean up.
Cheryl: Honey, we know. You sound like a broken record. Ruby: What's a record?
Cheryl: Hey, this is not over. Dana: No, but that hairdo is.
Andy: How far is 10,000 steps? Cheryl: About five miles. Jim: Five miles a day? Cheryl: Yeah. Jim: The girls glue macaroni on a piece of paper, you get all weepy and I gotta walk 40 miles?
Help! Help! I can't get down!
Jim: Damn! How many was that? Andy: None. You gotta be wearing it.
But if there's any trouble, I'm stepping in. Even though he's bigger than me and looks like a biter.
Oh, that's so sweet! Oh, he wanted Ruby and I to have a special day so we didn't have to spend it in our depressing government housing.
Jim: Hey, sweetheart, keep those legs moving. I want 90,000 by Sunday.
He thinks I'm a little chunky.
Cheryl: So, who wants to go first? Dana: Hmm... Jim: How about... Cheryl: How about the one my daughter calls Mommy wearing my husband's pedometer?
Yeah. You know what? He was a pretty good guy, too. You should have seen the way he stood up against her, like, jerk ex-husband.
How about a kiss on the lips?
I mean, we, you know, had a few drinks and shot the breeze and I bought him a lap dance, and then, you know... then he died.
Here's to Captain Frank. You'll sail no more these mortal seas, but on God's waters, you'll brave the winds as ye stand proudly on the... the, uh... the pointy part of the ship.
Jim: So, Maggie, how's the healing process going? Maggie: Jim, Frank died last night. Jim: So... Slowly?
His mind is as active as yours and mine... but it's trapped inside a useless, vegetating body. He's kept alive mechanically. A battery-driven heart.
Jim: He is also half-human. McCoy: And that half is completely submerged. To be caught acting like us or even thinking like us would completely embarrass him...
Hey, Jimmy. I see Daddy's forehead finally came in.
How could I forget? I say that every show.
Hogan, this is all new to me. I'm an artist. What do I know about business?
Has anyone ever told you you have exquisite fingernails?
Hello. Welcome to the work bench. Your aura is so strong today, just really beautiful.
Hey! Who wants to go look at the fishies in that aquarium over there?
Andy: She's sleeping in. Had her up pretty late last night. We were kind of busy. Because we were... Jim: All right, all right! We got the idea. Cheryl: Hey! Hey! Hey!
Hi, I'm Bambi, your Fab-U-Foam girl. And let me tell you, this foam insulation is as easy as I am.
Hey, he tried to kiss me. I said no. I did nothing wrong. The only thing I'm guilty of is looking pretty in museum light.
I went to school with Jack, and he was always the most smartest student in the class.
Truman starts today. Yeah, he has no idea what we're doing. He's way past hooked. He's in the net and on the way to the cooler. It's a fishing metaphor, the cooler where you put the fish.
No, He, he was a human speed bump. It was some kind of a frat prank that went awry.
I apologize for that. Hank wants to go home early to pick up his kids from soccer practice.
Hey, Jackie doesn't need a co-host. He's been laughing at his own jokes for years.
What is this all about? I mean, meeting me in the park, pretending you like my writing. Hiring me for a job that doesn't even exist. What the hell is going on?
Oh! I know why he's calling. He must've heard about my divorce.
He's got you. Whatever he's up to, he's planned it well.
Malcolm: I'm Malcolm. Can I read something? Will: Oh, I don't think so. You're a stranger. Malcolm: What if I told you I had friends at The New Yorker who were looking for new talent? Will: I'd say, "Howdy, stranger, wanna read an essay?"
Hey... who's this little fella? How many fingers old are you, big guy?
Oh, Grace, have you seen that new show Desperate Housewives? My friends and I play this drinking game when we watch it. Yeah, one shot every five minutes.
He was just 25 pounds full of love. Unless you weren't white, then watch out.
How do I get it, though? Because he won't give it up. He's clinging to it like he's Kirstie Alley and the class is a shred of dignity.
Have super fun with your book on the occult.
Menedez: How do you plea to the charge of unlawfully taking command of this starship? Spock: Guilty. Mendez: Of sabotaging the computers of this vessel and locking it on a course for planet Talos IV? Spock: Guilty. Menedez: And of forcibly attempting to transport Captain Pike to that planet? Spock: Guilty.
Have you lost your mind?
Jay: Honey, why are you running the water so long? Michael: It's my inspiration to pee-pee. Jay: You need to be inspired? Michael: Lately, yeah. I mean, there was a time when I could write my name, address, and social security number in the snow.
He's a klepto.
Vina: He doesn't need you. He's already picked me. Colt: Picked her? For what? I don't understand. Vina: Now, there's a fine choice for intelligent offspring. Colt: Offspring? As in children? Number One: Offspring, as in he's Adam. Is that it? Vina: You're no better choice. They'd have more luck crossing h...
Spock: How did you know this lady was coming aboard? Jim: I'm the captain.
Spock: He's a fine young officer. He's bound to consider this transfer a disciplinary action. Jim: I don't wish to discuss it, Mr. Spock. Please follow my orders.
Grace's Mother: Hello, dear. It's your mother. Grace: Calling from heaven, I hope.
Bobbi: Did she have to pee a lot? Karen: I had to pull over three times 'cause her majesty here is too good for a Big Gulp cup.
Honey, how can you say that? And after all the lovely things that he's said about you, while he was watching you through binoculars from his home office.
Has he stopped seeing you as a big joke? 'Cause when you figure out how he does it, tell me.
I asked him if he wanted to spend the day with me, but, uh, he'd rather play golf.
Jack: I can't believe you did this to me. How did you know I was gonna make a fool of myself? Will: Just a hunch.
Honey, sometimes I wish I was one of the little fishies. They never get old. They never die.
Will: Grace, honest opinion, how does my ass look in these pants? Karen: Like two kittens playing in a laundry bag.
While you're there, you might have 'em take a nip at the old gobble gobble.
Crittendon: Hogan, this is most irregular. I mean, I appreciate your men breaking me out of Stalag 12, but why bring me here? Prisoner's first duty is to escape, Hogan, escape! I escaped 17 times last year. Hogan: Congratulations. Crittendon: Thank you.
Crittendon, there's a very important visitor in camp, British, Sir Charles Chitterly, a traitor, and he just happens to look like you.
Sir Charles: Hogan, by all the "wules" of warfare, I have every "wight" to expect... Hogan: You know something? You open your mouth one more time you will see your wife. Sir Charles: What an extraordinary fellow. I can't follow a word he says.
Geordi: Hello, Captain. Or should I call you Ambassador? Picard: Oh, I haven't been called that for some time, either. Geordi: How about "Mr. Picard"? Picard: How about "Jean-Luc"?
So, Captain... how long shall we stare at each other across the Neutral Zone?
Jessel: How do you like your tea? Picard: Tea? Earl Grey. Hot. Jessel: Of course it's hot. What do you want in it? Picard: Nothing.
Edward: Have you ever kneaded something before? Will: Never more than right now!
Karen: Helicopter Pilot has been fired. Will: Okay, I thought it was okay to fire Helicopter Pilot seeing as--as you don't own a helicopter.
And as your lawyer, I believe that in these uncertain times, having a pastry chef on permanent staff just makes solid economic sense.
Hot? Are you kidding me? He doesn't even have to put the cookies in the oven. He just walks by them and winks.
Honey, I would love to have sex with two men.
He did exactly what I would've done. I won't underestimate him again.
Spock: He may think we're destroyed, captain. Jim: I wouldn't make that assumption. I don't think their captain will either.
He's a sorcerer, that one. He reads the thoughts in my brain.
Stiles: He saved my life. He risked his life, and after I... Spock: I saved a trained navigator so that he could return to duty. I am capable of no other feelings in such matters.
Jim: How many men did we lose, Bones? McCoy: Only one. Tomlinson, the boy who was gonna get married this morning.
Grace: He's really intelligent. Will: How do you know? You met him for, like, five minutes. Grace: His ring is classical music.
Grace: Here's your phone. And I love the classical music ring. Nick: Actually, that's the theme from Jeopardy!
Tomlinson: Happy wedding day, almost. Angela: You won't get off my hook this easily. I'm gonna marry you, mister, battle or phaser weapons notwithstanding.
Hey, ya sick perv bastard!
Hi. The fire's toasty. It is perfect for a winter day in New York.
Jack: Karen, he flitted away. Karen: Well, Jackie, he's gay. It's not like you people ever walk away.
He says he's fat. Really fat!
Nick: Huh. Is your assistant Courtney Love? Grace: Not as together.
Honey, now, don't make me cry.
How you gonna do the job if you can't even handle your own assistant? I think you should fire her.
Have you considered the possibility that this was just a dream?
Have I done something wrong, sir?
He's beginning to lose his mind, the old man.
Hey, this isn't Disneyland.
Michael: Hey, would you stop with the gang signs? Michael Jr: Dad, it's just a Vulcan salute. The worst this guy can do is shut down your computer.
Hey, look, Captain Jerk, beam yourself out of here.
He's been sitting behind that desk too long.
He says he's not taking any more damn tests.
How little do you mortals understand time.
Humanity's fate has been sealed. You will be destroyed.
He's probably listening to us right now getting a big laugh out of watching us jump through his hoops.
How about that? I'm your private dancer.
Dax: Hello, Benjamin. Sisko: Do I know you? Dax: It's me... Dax.
Hey, pally, where you been keeping yourself?
Hang in there, pally.
Hogan, a deucedly attractive woman and all that, but do you think it's wise, her being in such close quarters with me?
How far do you think I can trust you? Married to Axis Charlie for five years, been in Berlin for three months cozying up to the Nazis. What kind of security clearance is that?
Hey, Karen, wow! I love the blonde. It's very Mary J. Blige meets Barbara Eden meets My Little Pony.
But Will doesn't know. He also doesn't know I've been using his ATM card for the past two years.
Mr. Spock: He's becoming irritable and quarrelsome, but he refuses to take rest or rehabilitation. Now, he has that right, but we've found... Captain James T. Kirk: That crewman's right ends where the safety of the ship begins. Now, that man will go ashore on my orders. What's his name? Mr. Spock: James Kirk. Enjo...
Remember the time he almost cried because he dropped coffee on Burberry Pete?
Hating gays, hating evolution. It's the new age of enlightenment.
I mean, he hasn't left the apartment in a month. And that couch is practically growing out his ass.
Well, it must bug you... that-that he's gained weight, stopped showering, steals jokes from commercials an-an-- and pretends that they're his own.
I'm sorry, but I like his little pooch. And I always laugh when he farts and says, can you hear me now?
How's my favorite gay lawyer at the firm?
Klink: How did they get out? Sir Charles: Aha! Through the stove. Klink: "Through the stove"?
Gary: Seems Nicole and Margo went to the same all-girls' school. Margo: Gave me a solid academic background and half a dozen character building, lesbian experiences.
Yeah. I had a horse named Snowflake. Real smart. During the Republican convention, he ran right past the protestors and took a crap in front of Zell Miller.
McCoy: However, I wouldn't recommend this place as a summer resort. Spock: Thank you for your opinion. It will be duly noted.
Will: He looks like an Indian version of Vince. Grace: That is Vince. But you know what, you're right. From this angle, he could be in the chorus of Bombay Dreams.
Grace: He has his hands down Vince's pants. Jack: Yes. And if they were straight guys, I would definitely agree that they're having an affair.
Hey, that goat stole my flask. What was I supposed to do, not punch it?
Her ugly mother and fat brother are in the hospital. They're sucking out part of his stomach and putting it into her flat fanny.
How could a man talk to me for three minutes and then say, "Wrong number"?
Hey, no running in the house.
Hogan, now you're treating me like a child and I will not be treated like a child.
Hogan: How about celebrating with some extra hot water for the men, sir, and maybe a loaf of white bread? Klink: Hogan, I warned you. When I resumed command, all prisoners would be subject to my usual rigid discipline. Request denied.
He'll risk his neck locating Gaetano. Then, if he finds him, he's just as liable to order him to stay behind. You tell me.
How did we go from a romantic dinner to "I don't love you" in less than 24 hours?
Scotty: He jettisoned the fuel and ignited it. Boma: We need that fuel to maintain orbit. Are you out of your mind? Spock: Perhaps, Mr. Boma.
Baker: How about that? Hogan: Our own private Kraut has turned on us. LeBeau: It will be a cold day when I give him any more strudel. Newkirk: He's a hard case under all that blubber.
Hercules, if you're ever in this neighborhood again, forget it.
Klink: Hogan, you must think I'm an awful dummy. Hogan: Well, let's not get into that now, sir.
Dax: Hi, Jake. Jake: Hi. Dax: You seem taller. Or am I shorter?
Guy: Hey are you gonna finish those? Dude: Sorry, they're already gone. Guy: No they're not, you left the best part. Dude: No, I'm pretty sure they're... Guy: Mmmm cheese. I love Doritos.
Car: And it says here Hank's a real gas guzzler. You hear that Hank? Hank: Whatever.
Hello, I'm the Minister of D tourism. We're a secret government agency saving vacations! Families are getting swindled, why? because hotels hate your guts.
Who amongst you have the patience and endurance to have your figure reproduced in bronze? None of you.
Guy: How many falcons do you own? Girl: One. Guy: Really? Chauncy? Chauncy: Ten. Guy: Roger, how many falcons do you own? Roger: thirty cages, fifteen aloft. Guy: Those are falcon owners.
I am what's known as the head of riot suppression.
Maj. Hochstetter: He is not adding anything to this meeting. Klink: Except weight.
How about something more fresh and new, like Big Gay Brother? Or The Price is Right and Gay.
Carter: He's singing in the shower. Baker: Either singing or drowning.
He's cute but he's so dumb.
Claire: Hi. I'm doing a survey on refrigerators. Tony: You are? Claire: Can you check to see if yours is running? If so, catch it!
How many bloody g's are there.
Malcolm: I'ma hide you. Trent: How you gonna hide a swag as big as this?
Gen. Burkhalter: Have all security precautions been strictly observed? Klink: Oh, Herr General, don't I always do a good job for you? Gen. Burkhalter: If you did, I wouldn't be asking.