I wish I had feet like his. Then maybe I could swim.
Gimme that rifle. Boy, if you wanna do somethin' right, you've got to do it yourself.
It's not like in this country, where whites and blacks and Latinos all get along and there's no prejudicial deal between them. I mean, these people, they have some long-standing beefs with each other.
What are these shells? And that reflecting glass? And th-the music box? That... Well, if not from Dryland, then where? Wh-Where?
Helen: I didn't know. All this time... I didn't know. Mariner: Nobody does.
If you don't recall the face, perhaps it's 'cause I didn't always look like this.
If you don't tell me, I swear to Poseidon I will torch your boat.
Mariner: We have to go under! Helen: No, I can't breath like you! Mariner: I'll breathe for both of us.
Enola: You shouldn't make fun of him. He wouldn't like it. Deacon: Girl, I don't give a shit what he'd like. He took out my eye. And if I ever see him again, I'm gonna cut open his head and eat his brains!
I will smash your face into a car windshield and then take your mother, Dorothy Mantooth, out for a nice seafood dinner and never call her again!
President: In terms of the Middle East, that it looks like the problems over there are never going to be solved. Chief of Staff: What? President: I mean never. Never, never, never, never, never.
I guess you two think I'm stupid. I guess you all think I'm stupid. Well, I'll show you how stupid I am. I'm going to blow myself up with this bomb I found.
Helen: I can't stand it. We gotta go help him. I can't ask him to do this alone. Old Gregor: Oh, don't worry, my dear. You're not going to have to.
Ron, I would be surprised if the affiliates were concerned about the lack of an old, old wooden ship, but nice try.
Ron Burgundy: I even wrote it down in my diary! 'Veronica had a very funny joke today. ' I laughed at it later that night! Veronica Corningstone: I can't believe that I cared for you.
And if there's a river, we'll dam it. And if there's a tree, we'll ram it.
Champ Kind: I don't know, Ron. That sounds kind of crazy. Brian Fantana: Sounds like you have mental problems, man.
Mariner: You know what this is? I drop it, you burn. Doctor: We all burn. Deacon: Now wait, wait, wait, wait.
Enola: Why are you leaving? Mariner: I don't belong here. I belong out there. Enola: You belong here. Mariner: It's too strange here. It doesn't move right. Enola: Helen said that it's only land sickness. We're all feeling it. It'll go away soon. Mariner: It's more than that.
And I have to admit, it can be a grind. Sometimes it feels like this race has dragged on forever, but Paul Ryan assured me that we've only been running for two hours and fifty something minutes.
Of course, world affairs are a challenge for every candidate. After -- some of you guys remember -- after my foreign trip in 2008, I was attacked as a celebrity because I was so popular with our allies overseas. And I have to say I'm impressed with how well Governor Romney has avoided that problem.
Nick: But in the future, no matter how uncomfortable things are, if it affects us, you got to tell me. Do you got it? Ron: I promise you, Nick. I got it.
I told you the difference was Nick Brannen, and we have Nick Brannen. Simply the best. You can feel it. Better than all the rest.
Susan: That motor in that car... I mean, when it started vibrating... Ron: I'm sorry? Susan: If I was sitting on the hood of that car... Ron: Okay Susan: ....and the way it was just vibrating... Ron: I understand, and I got to be really honest with you. When I first met you, your phraseology with "lady wood...
Jim: Michelle, I... I'm gonna ask you something that I've never asked you before. Michelle: Is it kinky?
Jim's Dad: I mean, we're so happy. And I know you're excited. I can see it in your face. I mean, you look like you're ready to burst. Jim: Uh huh.
Jim's Dad: I mean, your cheeks, they're flush. I wish your mother could be here. Jim: Not me. Jim's Dad: That's what I wish.
I cannot believe my son is gonna pop the question. What was that?
Jim: Michelle Anabeth Flaherty, I love you... more than I could... ever explain at this particular moment. Dad. The ring. Jim's Dad: Oh. Jim: Will you marry me? Michelle: Yes.
Jim: I'm the happiest man in the world. Jim's Dad: We should all be so happy.
I love this dog!
They think you're an angel... and... and I'm... I'm just some ungrateful dog rapist.
Captain: You are lucky it was me who found you, not one of the others because they would cut your throat! Omer: I'm so sorry. I like show tunes.
He’s changing up so much and backtracking and sidestepping. We’ve got to name this condition that he’s going through. I think it’s called Romnesia
If you say you’ll protect a woman’s right to choose but you stand up at a primary debate and say that you’d be delighted to sign a law outlawing that right to choose in all cases, man you’ve definitely got Romnesia.
If you come down with a case of Romnesia and you can't seem to remember the policies that are still on your website, or the promises you made over the six years you've been running for president, here's the good news: Obamacare covers preexisting conditions!
David: I was afraid you were dead. Shaw: You have no idea what afraid is.
I know we've had our differences, but please... I need to ask you for your help.
It's not the only ship. There are many others. I can operate them.
Shaw: I don't want to go back to where we came from. I want to go where they came from. You think you can do that, David? David: Yes. I believe I can.
David: I don't understand. Shaw: Well... I guess that's because I'm human being, and you're a robot.
It is New Year's Day. The year of Our Lord 2094. My name is Elizabeth Shaw. Last survivor of the Prometheus, and I'm still searching.
I want him. No, I don't want him. I need him. I love him. That is it. That's my Arab. Iqbal's out. Omer's in.
I wonder where that fish has gone.
I think my ears are actually bleeding. You are like a musical Ebola virus.
I hate you, Ron Burgundy. I hate you!
I have a confession to make. I haven't been taking my happy pills.
I'm gonna save your ass in this wedding. Pretty soon you're gonna want me to shave your balls.
It's on like Donkey Kong, bitch.
Marriage is not about, uh, animal lusting and... and kinky sex games. It's not so much about who's the dog and who's the fire hydrant tonight.
I think it was Voltaire who said, "A jingle witty proves everything for my friends and I."
I... I'm a master of the Tantric art. I... I look at her body... and I just see the chakras and the things I can do to her and... Ohh!
In other words, Ron Burgundy was the balls.
Veronica Corningstone: It's very distracting. When we get to the pet shop... Brick Tamland: Cough! Look over here. Excuse me, Veronica.
I have no idea where he would have gotten ahold of German pornography.
Mary Flaherty: Is it Swiss or French chocolate? Stifler: Maybe German. Harold Flaherty: Oh, really?
Well, you know what? I'm a gonna get laid, Finch fucker. And it's gonna be oh, so good. It's gonna be like, "You like this shit, Mama?" She's gonna be like, "Fuckin' right, doggy, give it to me. Suck on my nipples like you're milking a cow."
I'm not an intellectical Einstein. I'm not...
Steve Stifler just gave a rose to a girl and meant it. This is huge. It's... It's like watching monkeys use tools for the first time.
I did fuck your mom. Twice.
Now, I thought about what you said, Kev. About, uh, about how my problems always seem to work out. And I realized that the reason things always work out is because you guys have always been there to back me up. Even you, Stifler.
I think you and I are a perfectly natural, normal thing.
Michelle: So Finch, what will you do with your fancy NYU diploma? Paul Finch: I'll frame it. Then I'll write my memoirs.
Hey, party guy. Having a good time, huh? Can I get you a gin and tonic? Ring! Hold on a second. Hello. Okay. It's for you. It's "get to work, fucker."
I was just speaking in generalities. Right, I'll stop by the school a little later, Sister Margaret. Bye.
I pooped a hammer.
I pooped a Cornish game hen.
I didn't know the Salvation Army was having a sale.
Brian Fantana: I think I was in love once. Ron Burgundy: Really, what was her name? Brian Fantana: I don't remember. Ron Burgundy: That's not a good start, but keep going.
I love carpet. I love desk.
Ron Burgundy: Alright. Steve Graff: I want you to fix my chopper before I stomp your goofy ass! Ron Burgundy: If you want to throw down, fine. I've got Jack Johnson and Tom O'Leary waiting for you. Right here.
Veronica Corningstone: In case we die here today, there's something that you should know. That dirty trick with the Teleprompter, it wasn't... Ron Burgundy: Sweet Eli Whitney's nose!
It wasn't you, was it? It was Wes Mantooth. I should have known.
I'm sorry, it's the... It's the pleats. It's actually an optical illusion. It's the pattern on the pants. It's not flattering in the crotchal region.
I'm actually taking them back right now. Taking them back to the pants store. This is awkward.
I's only play da platters dat matter the matters dey platter, and that's the truth, Ruth.
Doing the ying and the yang, the hip and the hop, the stupid fresh thing, the flippity-flop. Awoo! I have today's forecast for you. Hot! Ssssssss!
I couldn't eat another thing. I'm absolutely stuffed.
I am the Grim Reaper.
If I were lying, I'd think of something better than a kiss. Maybe a blow job or some titty grabbin'.
I hate this friggin' place. I detest it like a sickness.
I'm going to kill somebody today.
I'm on right now? I don't believe you.
If Tyson dream about whippin' my ass, he better wake up and apologize.
ML: Well, gentlemen, the way I see it, if this hot weather continues, it's going to melt the polar caps and the whole wide world. And all those parts that ain't water already will surely be flooded. Coconut Sid: You dumb ass, simple motherfucker! Where you read that shit, eh?
That's right. I'm at last going out on a date with the great Janine and I just wanna be sure I've picked the right T-shirt.
Spike: First there's this one. Cool, huh? William: Yeah, it might make it hard to strike a really romantic note. Spike: Point taken. Don't despair.
Spike: If it's romance we're looking for I believe I have just the thing. William: Yeah, well, there again, she might not think you had true love on your mind. Spike: Right. Just one more.
I suggest you get to your car quick, before these people strip it clean. Have a nice day, sir.
I am not Andy. Andy is sick. Chick, pick, wick, lick! Dick! Whereas I am getting stronger and stronger.
Andy: I'm going to the Philippines. George: The Philippines? What's in the Philippines? Andy: A miracle.
Rufus the Thief: What book? William: The one down your trousers. Rufus the Thief: I don't have a book down my trousers. William: Right, I tell you what, I'll call the police and what can I say, if I'm wrong about the whole book- down-the-trousers scenario, I really apologize.
William: I'm sorry about that. Anna: No, it's fine. I was gonna steal one but now I've changed my mind.
William: I don't think you'll believe who was just in here. Martin: Who? Was it someone famous? William: No, no. Martin: No? William: No. Martin: Would be exciting though, wouldn't it, if someone famous came into the shop?
Martin: Do you know, this is pretty amazing actually, but I once saw Ringo Starr. William: Where was that? Martin: Kensington High Street. At least I think it was Ringo. It might have been that man from Fiddler On The Roof.
I don't usually do this, but I felt compelled to tell you something. You have an absolutely breathtaking heinie.
I mean, that thing is good. I want to be friends with it.
It seems that our youngest, Chris, was on something called acid and was firing a bow and arrow into a crowd.
William: Shit! Bugger! Anna: Oh, my God! William: I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. Here let me... Anna: Get your hands off! William: I'm really sorry. I live just over the street. I have water and soap. You can get cleaned up.
It's all right. I think it's all right, my sweet chinchilla.
Would you like something to eat? Something to nibble? Apricots soaked in honey? Quite why, no one knows, because it stops them tasting of apricots and makes them taste like honey, and if you wanted honey you'd just buy honey instead of apricots.
Ron Burgundy: I make fart noises with my mouth And I like to cut... Bartender: Hey, nut job! Quit the singing! Creeping out all the regulars.
William: I'm very sorry about the "surreal but nice" comment. Disaster. Anna: That's okay. I thought the apricot and honey thing was the real low point.
I'm just going into the kitchen to get some food. Then I'm gonna tell you a story that will make your balls shrink to the size of raisins.
William: Imagine, if you will, the stupidest person you've ever met. Are you doing that? Ritz Concierge: Yes, sir, I have him in my mind. William: And now double it. And that is the, what can I say, the git that I am living with.
Anna: Hi. Honey: Oh, God. This is one of those key moments in life when it's possible you can be really genuinely cool and I... I'm going to fail just 100%.
Bernie: I haven't had a girlfriend since, well, since puberty. And nobody fancies me. And if these cheeks get any chubbier, they never will. Honey: Nonsense. I fancy you. Bernie: Really? Honey: Yeah. Or I did before you got so fat.
Anna: Thank you for such a terrific time. Max: I'm delighted. Anna: That's a great tie. Max: Now you're lying. Anna: Okay, it's true. I told you I was bad at acting.
Anna: You abide by rules like that? William: I don't, no, no, but others do. And I just do what I want. Um... Right?
I just wanted to apologize for my friend. He's very sensitive. No, no, no, leave it. I'm sure you didn't mean any harm. I'm sure it was just friendly banter. I'm sure you guys have dicks the size of peanuts. Enjoy your dinner. The tuna's really good.
William: Absolutely. Ice-cold still water. Jeff King: Unless, of course, it's illegal in the UK to serve beverages below room temperature. I wouldn't want you going to jail just to satisfy my whim, now.
Spike: I knew a girl at school called Pandora. Never got to see her box though. William: Right. Right, thanks, that's very helpful.
Listen, it's not often one has the opportunity to adios the plates of a major Hollywood film star. It was thrilling for me.
William: Basic plot? Anna: I'm a difficult but brilliant junior officer, who in about 20 minutes is gonna save the world from nuclear disaster. William: Okay, well done, you.
Anna: The entire British press got up this morning and thought, "I know where Anna Scott is. "She's in that house with the blue door in Notting Hill. " And then you go out in your goddamn underwear. Spike: I went out in my goddamn underwear, too. William: Get out.
William: Have a cup of tea. Anna: I don't want a goddamn cup of tea. I just wanna go home.
It's just that I've dealt with this garbage for 10 years. You've had it for 10 minutes. Our perspectives are very different.
I will stand with Israel if they are attacked.
I will feel the opposite, if that's okay by you. And always be glad that you came to stay.
When I have sent young men and women into harm's way, I always understand that that is the last resort.
I think they saw weakness where they had expected to find American strength.
I look around the world, I don't see our influence growing around the world. I see our influence receding.
I like American cars.
I would love for you to stay out of my business.
ML: It's a goddamn shame. Sweet Dick Willie: What's a goddamn shame? ML: Sweet Dick Willie. Sweet Dick Willie: That's my name. ML: Damn man, do I have to spell it out? Coconut Sid: Come on man, make it plain. ML: OK, but listen up. I'm going to break it down. Sweet Dick Willie: Let it be broke, motherf...
Coconut Sid: It's got to be because we're black. Ain't no other explanation. You know it's true... ML: Man I am tired of hear that black... Coconut Sid: They're always keeping the black man to about shit! Sweet Dick Willie: Oh, oh, oh! You motherfuckers hold that shit down. I'm tired of that old excuse, tired of ...
ML: It's a motherfuckin' shame. Coconut Sid: Man, ain't that a bitch?
Yo man, I hope you finished your little soliloquy, man, 'cause, first of all, I been peeing straight for years. Understand what I'm saying? And you're right. I wouldn't stand in the doorway and listening to my children go hungry. I'd be out getting a job, doing something, anything to to put food in their mouth. And ...
Pino: How come niggers are so stupid? Mookie: If you see a nigger, kick his ass.
Pino: I've been reading about your leaders. Reverend Al "Mister 'Do" Sharpton. Jesse "Keep hope alive"... Mookie: That's fucked up. Pino: "Keep hope alive." Mookie: That's fucked... Don't talk about Jesse.
It's cheap, I got a good price for you, Mayor Koch, "How I'm doing," chocolate egg cream drinking, bagel and lox, B'nai B'rith Jew asshole.
Radio Raheem: If I love you, I love you. But if I hate you... Mookie: There it is... love and hate. Radio Raheem: I love you, brother. Mookie: Bet.
Ahmad: Yo man, it's hot as a motherfucker why don't you fan me with your ears. Cee: Stop playin'!
I'm sick of niggers. It's like I come to work... it's "Planet of the Apes." I don't like being around them. They're animals.
I never had no trouble with these people. I sat in this window... all I see is little kids get old. And I seen the old people get older. Yeah, sure, some of them don't like us, but most of them do. I mean, for chrissake, Pino, they grew up on my food. On my food. I'm very proud of that.
Da Mayor: Shit. Keep walking, Doctor. I don't want to hear none of your damn Black foolishness. Buggin Out: Damn!
Ahmad: Man I ain't boycottin' jack, you string cheese head motherfucker. I'm going for a slice now. Ella: Shit I was born and raised on Sal's pizza. What the fuck you talkin' about? Cee: You frazy man?
It ain't never too hot or never too cold for fuckin'.
I better not see her naked on payday.
Bella: I just want to say to Tony, don't take it personally. The more I think about things, the more I see no rhyme or reason in life. No one knows why some things work out and some things don't. Why some of us get lucky, and some of us... Bernie: Get fired. Honey: What?
William: I have, as you know, been somewhat down in the mouth. Max: Well, there's an understatement. There are dead people on better form. William: But I just wish to make it clear that I've turned a corner, and henceforward intend to be impressively happy.
William: I'm looking for Anna Scott. Security Man: Does she know you're coming? William: No. No, she doesn't. Security Man: I'm afraid I can't let you through, sir. William: Right. I mean, I am actually a friend. I'm not a lunatic.
Anna: I can't say that I know Patrick all that well. Martin: What, he wasn't that friendly during filming? Anna: Well, I'm sure he was friendly to Demi Moore who acted with him in Ghost. Martin: Oh, right. Sorry.
I live in Notting Hill. You live in Beverly Hills. Everyone in the world knows who you are. My mother has trouble remembering my name.
And don't forget, I'm also just a girl standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her.
I saw her taking her trousers down and I definitely glimpsed some cellulite down there.
Journalist: Anna, how long are you intending to stay here in Britain? Anna: Indefinitely.
Excuse me. Is that Sex Panther you're wearing?
Mm! I just burned my tongue.
If you're coming down the baseline, you gotta take home plate from me! So there I go, head first, boom!
I've eaten burritos bigger than you.
I don't know her name. What is it? Lanolin? Lanolin? Like sheep's wool?
Veronica Corningstone: Its-it's an old expression. Ron Burgundy: Oh! I've never heard of it. Veronica Corningstone: Oh. Ron Burgundy: It's wonderful, though.
I've never been with an American man before. Neither have I.
Genevieve: I'm a bad girl. Det. Carter: Hallelujah!
I don't know what the hell you feedin' him, but he is too damn big!
Genevieve: I'm going to the bathroom. Make myself more comfortable. Carter: You need some matches?
Carter: For your information, I'm part Chinese now. That's right, Lee. For the last three years I've studied the ancient teachings of Buddha, earning two black belts in wushu martial arts, spending every afternoon at the Hong Kong Garden massage parlor on Pico and Bundy. I am half-Chinese, baby. Lee: If you're ha...
I'm gonna kill you if we don't die!
I got a big problem, man. This boy's on steroids. He got a head like Barry Bonds.
I am Loki, of Asgard and I am burdened with glorious purpose.
Don't move, or I'll blow your ass cheeks off.
The truth is I'm a driver. Nothing more. This is my destiny. I will never know what it's like to be an American. Never know what it feels like to kill for no reason.
Marsha: I want a lawyer. Carter: You need a personal trainer. This license says 180 pounds. You weigh more than the damn car, girl.
Blanche Baker: I'm sorry, you'll have to buy lunch today. I didn't have time to fix your carrots. Mike Baker: She's only eating carrots to increase the size of her breasts.
Samantha Baker: I can't believe this. They fucking forgot my birthday.
I'm a give your ass a ticket when I come back!
I'd shit twice and die.
Jake Ryan: It's kinda cool, the way she's always lookin' at me. Jock: Maybe she's retarded.
Samantha Baker: I swear to God, Caroline Mulford had to flunk about nine grades. Truly makes me ill.
I loathe the bus. There has to be a more dignified mode of transportation.
Lelaina Pierce: I'm not a valedictorian, but I play one on TV. Troy Dyer: We all know you slept your way to the podium.
I'm going to take Sam against his will and straighten him out because I truly believe that if we can get two women on the Supreme Court we can get at least one on you, Sam.
Vickie: I'm Superman. I can fly. Troy: She's toast. Vickie: Aah!
Lelaina: Quick, Vickie. What's your social security? Vickie: Uh... 851-25-9357. Troy: Very impressive. Vickie: It's the only thing I really learned in college.
Lelaina: I'm, like, ruining your whole life here. Michael: No, no, you're not. Really. Just don't... Just don't touch anything else... and I think we'll be fine.
If I could bottle the sexual tension between Bonnie Franklin and Schneider, I could solve the energy crisis.
I'm bursting with fruit flavor.
I just do not understand why this moment has to be Memorexed.
I am not under any orders to make the world a better place.
Lelaina: I'm making this documentary about my friends, but it's really about people who are trying to find their own identity without having any real role models or heroes or anything. But... Michael: Wow. That... That sounds great. It seems like your friends would be perfect for that. Like, um... Like that guy Tro...
I'm, uh... I'm, uh... not really good with compliments. Um... but, uh... Um... Ha ha! Are you religious?
Michael: I loved astronomy, too, and I got into class... and it was like... it was like... everything was three-squared times pi equals the root of pi. Lelaina: Pi. Michael: Yeah. And I just wanted to look at the stars.
I am picking up some very strange vibes in here. They're of the... "I just got laid" variety.
I've never been good with responsibility. So, uh... I blame my parents, though. I think I was conceived on an acid trip.
Nick Fury: I need you to make sure the Phase 2 prototypes are shipped out. Agent Maria Hill: Sir, is that really a priority right now? Nick Fury: Until such time as the world ends, we will act as though it intends to spin on.
I don't suppose it makes any difference to you, but there's a very weird Chinese guy up in Mike's room.
D.I. Fitch: What the fuck are you even doing here? Anthony: Sir, I got lost on the way to college, sir!
It's love, in point of fact. Something a good deal more dangerous.
Sykes: Indoc class starts on Monday. I suggest you have your ass there. Anthony: Is that an order, Staff Sergeant? Sykes: It's a fucking opportunity. It's a fucking honor. It's the best fucking job in the Marine Corps.
I told you to keep your fucking head down! If you listened to me, you would still be fucking alive right now! Stupid fuck!
If ill, go to sickbay. If wounded, call corpsman. If dead, report to graves registration. If losing his mind, however, no standard solution exists.
Instructions for the effective burning of shitters. The Marine will need the following: One metal fence post, one pair of welder's gloves, five gallons of diesel fuel, and one box of matches.
Major Lincoln: Stick that back in there. Anthony: It's already full of diesel fuel, sir. Major Lincoln: I don't care if it's full of Chanel No. 5. I'm not going to the other side of this camp for my morning glory. Stick that fucker back in there.
Major Lincoln: I left you a little gift in there. Not too hard, not too soft. Perfect. Anthony: Thank you, sir. Major Lincoln: Happy holidays, Private.
I... Being a total prick......ly pear, I... Why don't we welcome this audience again, huh? Good morning!
I'm not gonna work at the Gap, for Christ's sake.
I don't want to get married because I see how my parents are. And they've been together, like, 26 years and they're like brother and sister at this point. My mother goes to the bathroom with the door open.
You don't understand. Every day, all day, it's all that I think about, OK? Every time I sneeze it's like I'm four sneezes away from the hospice. And it's like it's not even happening to me. It's like I'm watching it on some crappy show like "Melrose Place" or some shit, right? And I'm the new character. I'm the HIV ...