"Iceberg! Right ahead!"
Paco: "Waterboy's killin' 'em. He's the best tackler I've seen since Joe Montana." Walter: "Joe Montana was a quarterback, you idiot." Paco: "I said , Joe Mantegna."
"It's like of angels fly out of your arse as get next to the likes of 'er!"
Announcer: "He drop kicked him. It looks like Boucher knocked him out cold." Bobby: "(He dropkicks the guy who made fun of his mother) I love my mama very much. Now you know that."
Mama: "I forbid you to talk to that enchantress. She's the devil!" Bobby: "She's not the devil. She's the most beautiful woman in the world." Central Kentucky Quarterback: "I never said she was the devil." Bobby: "She's the most beautiful woman in the world." Central Kentucky Quarterback: "Oh, please don't hurt ...
"I love you Sam, but don't think I won't fire your ass."
"I'd like to listen to you explain why your ruthless assasin keeps going out of his way to let people live."
"I can't, I can't be caught."
"I'm going back to bed."
Cosmo: "You know that you owe me an apology." Sam Gerard: "Yeah, I know, Cosmo, I know but uh..." Cosmo: "But what?" Sam Gerard: "I don't even like you."
"It's a hell of a thing killin' a man, ya take away all he's got and all he's ever gonna have."
"I was the first ever male cheerleader at Huntington High. The first ever! Give me a V. Give me an A. Give me an N. What does it spell?"
Van: "I'm just going to do a little word association." Overweight Freshman: "Cookies!"
Van: "What's your name?" Taj Mahal Badalandabad: "I am Taj Mahal Badalandabad." Van: "Where... Where you from, Taj?" Taj: "I am an exchange student from Banglapuc, India." Van: "Welcome. What can we do for you?"
"I cannot go home a virgin. I came here to study the great American art of muff diving. To smack clam, munch rug, dine at just one American pink taco stand. You know, I wanted to (how is it?) park the porpoise, you know. I want to take it through the car wash, baby, you know. And get it waxed. I want to wax it. Wax ...
Vance Wilder Sr.: "Excuse me, where can I find Van Wilder?" Wasted Guy: "In the Guiness Book of World fucking Records, man, under the Raddest fucking dude alive!" Vance Wilder Sr.: "Okay, thanks."
Gwen Pearson: "I'm Gwen Pearson, staff writer for the Liberator." Van: "Oh. Okay look, that old bag is stronger than she looks. Alright?" Gwen: "I'm doing a human interest piece on you." Van: "Well I'm flattered. I'd love for your piece to be on me."
Taj: "We are truely up the Ganges River without a bomboo oar. We're still $1,200 short of your next tuition payment." Van: "Taj, I learned a long time ago that worrying is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but it doesn't get you anywhere. Write that down."
Van: "But sadly, I don't do interviews. I never have. I never will. I do lunch though." Gwen: "My editor did say this would be a challenge." Van: "Blue." Gwen: "Red, blue?" Van: "Blue. Brings out your eyes. Kid's got killer eyes, not unlike yourself. Has anyone ever told you that before?" Gwen: "Yes, my boyfriend."...
Hutch: "Don't even sweat it Taj. I thing I've got a plan. Let's go get fucked up." Van: "Sounds good." Taj: "Is that all you people think about? Now, I admit, I applied for this job because I wanted to shake loose and shake my rump, but I do not believe that this dilemma wil be solved by partying."
Rosie Forbes: "You've got balls" Maniac: "You should see 'em." Rosie: "Mine are bigger." Maniac: "I've been told size doesn't matter." Rosie: "She lied."
Angel: "Blair, where the hell are you? I said help me out." Maverick: "Is that a suggestion or an order ma'am?" Angel: "Definitely an order!"
"She held together. I love this baby."
Taj: "I have a date with Naomi tomorrow night, and I just wanted to bring my A game." Van: "Taj, come on, look, that's what I'm here for. Alright? Now, follow my fool proof plan, and I'm going to help you put the bang in Banglapur. All you need are the three fundamentals: Scented candles, massage oil, and Barry Whit...
"It's such good discipline for my selfishness about you."
Professor Ted McDoogle: "Alright Wilder, let's dance." Van: "It's a good day to die McDoogle. Oh yeah."
"Wow! If he's here, who's running hell?"
"Was that a... Judge's ruling. Uh huh, yeah. I do believe that was a joke."
"I...uh...checked myself for holes, but just the usual ones."
"I'm your mother's identical twin, born ten years apart but identical. I killed your mother...penis envy. She was a hermaphrodite."
Taj: "I long to rub you the right way." Naomi: "You're such a bad little Badalandabad."
Richard: "I need you to help me release some pressure. You know, help me relax. Just so we're clear Gwen, I'm talking about intercourse. Look, I know you had a fling with Wilder. And it's okay. You just had to get it out of your system. I just hope you used some protection. And I wouldn't want our future children to...
Law Club President: "It's ridiculous! It's preposterous! It's ludicrous! By god, it's impetuous!" Hutch: "So, does that mean you'll do it?" Law Club President: "Oh, it's on."
Professor McDoogle: "I've been waiting all these years for you to realize your potential." Van: "That's why you and I had friction? God, I always thought it was cause cause I fooled around with your daughter freshman year." Professor McDoogle: "Why, what... You fooled around with my daughter?" Van: "What?"
"I was born in New York City."
Robbie: "What's that sound?" Ray: "I've never heard that before!" Rachel: "Is it them?! Is it them?!"
"If I ever forgot myself with that girl, I'd remember it."
"If I'm not me, who the Hell am I?"
"I never shot nobody I didn't have to."
"If you're looking for trouble, I'll accomodate you. Otherwise, leave it alone."
Cosmo Renfro: "This guy, when he grabbed you by the throat, I thought I was going to take a dump." Biggs: "I did, I did, I had to go change my underwear."
"I don't need your business; I value it. I'm successful to the point where I don't need to chase your business."
"I found a shoe. It looks like prison issue."
"Is this food free?"
"He won't get far in that boat he done stole. It ain't got no motor."
Seth: "Yeah, group interview, my ass. It was like a Hitler Youth rally, in retrospect. The guy who pitched us, Jim Young, was the head recruiter there." Jim Young: "Okay, guys, let's go." Seth: "Between him and Michael, honestly, they could sell bubble gum in the lockjaw ward at Bellevue."
"I mean, my god, if I'd called my father to meet me for a cup of coffee to talk about my screwups, he probably would've laughed. We didn't have nice little chats about why I was a bad boy. I got smacked. And I didn't do it again. Much simpler."
Abbie Halpert: "Um, you know, I don't know how to better explain this to you but, it's over." Greg: "Okay. I disagree."
"All right, that's it. It's over. I'm shuttin' it down."
"We have our actors walk up to him and say their lines, and he's in our movie."
Moses: "I saw the sign man. You guys got a lot of porno here." Charles the Innkeeper: "Yes, we have an excellent selection." Moses: "Great, I like the porn." Charles: "Well... Good."
Old Man Waiter: "What can I get for you?" Lester: "Do you use real ice cream in your shakes?" Old Man Waiter: "Sure do." Lester: "I'm talking the real McCoy." Old Man Waiter: "(laughing) Yeah, they are real." Lester: "(laughs)"
"The ebb and flow of the Atlantic tides, the drift of the continents, the very position of the sun along it's ecliptic...these are just a few of the things I control in my world"
Chili Palmer: "I got an idea for a movie " Harry Zimm: "Doesn't everybody? "
John: "Let me tell you something, Shelley. I do what I'm hired to do. You might do the same." Shelley: "Jesus." John: "Now wait a second! I'm hired to watch the leads, to marshal my sales force. I'm given a policy. My job is to do that. What I'm told--" Shelley: "Marshal your sales force?" John: "Now wai...
George: "I'm no fucking good." Ricky: "Hey, fuck that shit, George. You had a bad month. You're a good man, George." George: "I am?" Ricky: "Yeah, you had a bad streak."
"Fuck you! I'm waiting for the new leads!"
Ricky: "Okay, okay, okay. Give me this shit." John: "I'm giving you three leads." Ricky: "Three? No, I count two, John." John: "There's three leads there." Ricky: "Patel? Fuck you. Fucking shiva handed this guy a million dollars, told him 'Sign the deal' he wouldn't sign. And the god Vishnu, too, into th...
"My finger's in your mouth, kitty. But I don't feel no teeth."
"You be as cold as you want. You just fucked a good man out of $6,000 and his goddamned bonus because you didn't know the shot. You can do that and you're not man enough to say it gets you? I don't know what-- If you can't take something from that, then you're scum! You're fucking white bread. A child would know it,...
(A clip of "Intervention Song" Written by Adam Sandler, Allen Covert, Brooks Arthur, Brad Isaacs, and Steven Brill Performed by Adam Sandler and Eight Crazy Nights Cast)
"Rhett, Rhett...Rhett, if you go..."
Carrie: "God, Rob! Give it a rest!" Joel: "It's okay. It's alright." Rob: "Carrie, I am making a birdhouse."
"I wanna call it off. I'll give you a sign. I wanna call it off! Can you hear me? I don't want this anymore! I wanna call it off!"
Mary: "I am so stoned." Stan: "Please, Mary. You have to go." Mary: "Stop being stoned, Mary. I don't want him to see me stoned."
"I wanted to understand as much as I could about the procedure as possible. I think it's important for my job to understand the inner workings of the work that we do. Well, not that I do, but the work that is done by people... where I also work, the work of my colleagues. You know."
Lt. Hauk: "Good morning, Vietnam. What the heck is that supposed to mean?" Pvt. Abersold (Richard Edson): "I don't know, Lieutenant. I guess it means, good morning, Vietnam"
"Once again we've got our friend from military intelligence. Can you tell us what you've found out about the enemy since you've been here? "We found out that we can't find them. There out there, and we're having a major difficulty in finding the enemy." Well, what do you use to look for them? "Well, we ask the peopl...
"I don't like your style, your politics or your sense of humor. I don't like what you say or how you say it. From now on, the fighting men of Vietnam will hear exactly what they're supposed to hear."
Alex: "Okay, now go in here and use your lightning to blow up those barrels." Grandma Lilly: "Ooh! Oh, isn't that pretty?" Alex: "Yeah." Grandma Lilly: "Oh, this is fun." Alex: "Hey, wow, you got to a checkpoint." Grandma Lilly: "Is that good?" Alex: "Yeah."
Jeff: "What did weirdo say about the elves?" Kane: "Shot it down." Jeff: "What? Really? That was a good idea." Kane: "No it wasn't. I'm a piece of shit. I suck." Jeff: "Relax, Kane. You're not a piece of shit."
"Do you have bathrooms here or do I have to shit in a plant."
"You want an ice cream sandwich? They're on whole wheat with lettuce."
"Shut up, Monkey. I got company, dude."
Mr. Cheezle: "Okay, now your energy is really scaring me." Alex: "You know what? fuck energy! fuck J.P! fuck Brainasium! fuck all of you! I quit!" Samantha: "Wait! Alex--" Mr. Cheezle: "Let him go. Let him go. Let him find his center and realign his chi."
Dante: "Hello?" Jeff: "Hey, Dante. Is Alex there?" Dante: "Hold on. Phone's for you. I think it's the devil."
"I will taste your flesh!"
Mr. Newberry: "Been doing with your life?" Martin: "Ah, ah, professional killer" Mr. Newberry: "Ah, good for you, it's a growth industry"
"I got some booty. I got some booty. I got some booty."
"I swear I will BITCH slap you!"
"Are you running a high fever? How could you conceive of something so idiotic?"
Bongo Player: "Well, if you have anymore questions, I'll be in the back sleeping, so... Great." Lulu: "Okay, thanks." Bongo Player: "Oh, actually, this is the back. Sorry."
"It's me... Jessica! I'm in here."
"I'll take two banana daiquiris, one mango, a sloe-gin fizz, one slippery nipple, and for me, a screaming orgasm on the beach with extra sugar on the rim. Yum!"
"Check out the sweet buns on that guy. I'd like to get my hands on those and... wish they were women's breasts and... squeeze the hell out of 'em. Maybe put a steak on 'em... cause I'm a guy. That's what guys like me like to do. But I don't need to tell you that."
Jessica (Schneider): "I've never done this before. It's going all over." Bathroom Attendant: "It's always good to aim at something, like that cigarette there... or the big mint." Jessica (Schneider): "It's going everywhere!" Bathroom Attendant: "You got to hold on to it. Not too tight, but enough to let it ...
Jake: "Hey, babe, it's Jake. Liston, I got a half-hour after wrestling. I can either take a shower or I can come on over." Jessica (Schneider): "Too late, dude. She's with me right now. She says that my peepee's way bigger than yours. And that's if I fold it in half."
"I am so lesbian right now."
Billy: "Oh. I can't! I can't do it!" Jessica (Schneider): "You always said you'd love me no matter what." Billy: "Bu... I... you're a 30-year-old dude!" Jessica (Schneider): "Just on the outside!"
Perris Sheriff: "Why are you in that bubble, boy? Huh?" Jimmy: "Well, um, because I was born withoun any immunities..." Perris Sheriff: "Immunities?! What the hell are immunities?" Perris Townie: "Well, I ain't sticking around to find out!" Perris Sheriff: "Me neither." Perris Townie: "Everybody out" He's got i...
Cotton: "Average Joe's wins in a shocking upset." Pepper: "I feel shocked!"
"I know you. You know you. And I know you know that I know you."
Peter: "Are you sure that this is completely necessary?" Patches: "Necessary? Is it necessary for me to drink my own urine?" Peter: "Probably not." Patches: "No, but I do it anyway because it's sterile and I like the taste."
"(Hit by a car and gets up) I'm fine. I'm okay. (Hit by another car)"
Patches: "Where's your killer instinct, son? You've got to get angry! You've got to get mean! Thet's the only way you can play." Gordon: "I guess I'm not really an angry person." Patches: "(He hits him in the balls) Are you angry now?"
"Where are your brains? In your ass!"
"We're special agents of the Internal Revenue Service and we'd like to inform you that you are under criminal investigation."
"I'd... I'd like to think that... that Mitch would agree to do this with me. Because I already said yes. And I can't do it alone, so... No, I didn't... I didn't think this through. Should've talked to him beforehand, you know, but I haven't talked to him in so long."
"I don't believe that anyone noticed when I blew town at 15 aand ended up in San Francisco, California. And it's at this point in my story that the dark clouds part. Because I met a certain Mr. Wiseman, who gave me a job in his shop. And before long, he tapped me to do some small roles in some of his short films for...
Mitch: "What is it you do, Leonard? For work?" Leonard: "Oh, work. Oh, um, I'm in the bladder management industry. I sell catheters. I have my own distrobution company. Sure-Flo Medical Appliances. May have heard of it. It's actually named in tribute after my mother. Her name was Florence. It's a groth...groth indus...
"Going home I'm going... Go... Going Go. Going home I'm going home. Home..."
"The naches that I'm feeling right now... 'cause your dad was like mishpoche to me. When I heard I got these ticket to the Folksmen, I let out a geshreeyeh, and I'm running with my friend... running around like a vilde chaye, right into the theater, in the front row! So we've got the schpilkes, 'cause we're sittin' ...
"Terry and I worship an unconventional diety. The power of another dimension. Now, you're not going to read about this dimension in a book, or in a magazine, or in a newspaper, uh, because it doesn't exist anywhere except in my own mind."
"I'm the events liaison. Although, a lot of people around here call me "King Larry" or "Your Majesty" because I just do everything that needs to be done around here. I've been up into the highest catwalk changing light bulbs. I've been in the basement changing the rat traps."
Wally Fenton: "And frankly, it's gonna be something of a challenge for me, personally anyway, because I'm not a fan of folk music." Amber Cole: "Yeah, me too!"
"I feel ready for whatever the experience is that we will take with us after the show. I'm sure it will be an adventure... a voyage on this magnificent vessel... into unchartered waters. What if we see sailfish jumping... and flying across the magnificent orb of a setting sun?"
"Seeing these long lines of fans who want notting more than to have you sign an autograph... it's like it's 1968... or '67, or '66."
"This flame, like all flames, represents the light and the darkness. It also represents the uncertainty of life and it's delicacy. It also represents a penis."
"I always thought there were 12 Supreme Court judges, but now it seems there are only nine. I don't know if it's a budget thing or not."
Mickey: "And if you don't mind, Mitch, I have the very first poem that you wrote me. Parched in exile Thirsty for your smile Though silenced behind This barbed-wire mask Your spirit burns through That I might bask In your cool, misty loveliness." Mitch: "I just wanted a drink of water."
Mark: "I came to a realization that I was, and am a blonde, female folk singer trapped in the body of a bald, male folk singer, and I had to let me out or I would die." Jerry: "When you put it that way, it's almost poetry." Alan: "Almost."
"I stick my neck out for nobody."
Rick: "You played it for her, you can play it for me." Sam: "But, I don't think I can remember ..." Rick: "If she can stand it, I can... Play it!"
"I remember every detail..."
Lloyd: "Is that what I think it is?" Harry: "Nope. It's a treasure map." Lloyd: "Cool." Harry: "My mom says it's somewhere in the school." Lloyd: "Ooh, I don't know. I'm pretty familiar with the school and I've never seen that X before. Mm-hmm."
Harry: "I taste's so good. I can't feel my face." Lloyd: "(Slaps him)"Harry: "Didn't hurt." Lloyd: "(Slaps him)" Harry: "Didn't hurt." Lloyd: "(Slaps him)" Harry: "I felt that."
Harry: "I can't believe she's wearing that outfit." Lloyd: "Yeah, the last time I wore those shorts, I got beat up."
Jenny: "Why'd you get me gin and tonic? I hate gin." Jamie: "You do?" Cooper: "You guys are the worst twins ever."
Cooper: "Hey, Mom made waffles. What's going on?" Scotty: "I'm in love with my penpal. I'm in love with Mieke."
Cooper: "You know what? I was actually expecting this. And frankly, listen, I'm flattered you picked me to come out to first. And don't worry about telling your folks, 'cause, uh, I think they already know." Scotty: "No, you idiot. Mieke is a girl." Cooper: "No, no, no. I get it. Yeah. He's the girl, and you're the ...
Scotty: "Let me see that thing." Jamie: "No can do! I spent the last four years tutoring the lacrosse players just to pay for it, so nobody touches my camera but me." Cooper: "So it's like your wiener."
"Oh, I love you! I love you! I Lo... I love you! I love you!"
"I am freaking out!"
Scotty: "What happened to you?" Jamie: "I got robbed. It was awesome!"
Christoph: "My wife makes the best sangria." Jenny: "Wait... what?" Christoph: "Sangria. Well, you take a good Spanish Rioja, and you put in slices of orange, and..." Jenny: "No, no, no, wait. You said you were married? So, you just go around Europe sleeping with every woman you meet?" Christoph: "No, please, Jennif...
"I will eat your heart."
Cooper: "Hey, check this out. I'm the pope!" Scotty: "Cooper, take off the pope hat." Cooper: "Oh, no. It's okay. I'm catholic." Scotty: "Cooper, take it off, Goddamnit!" Cooper: "Oh, you took the lord's name in vain! Only I can forgive you now, my son." Scotty: "Take that fudging thing off."
Steet Vendor: "Uh I got a pepper shaker. I got a silver doodad from Africa." Nicky: "Hey." Steet Vendor: "See something you like my man?" Nicky: "Yes, I would like my flask back." Steet Vendor: "You calling me a thief my man?" Nicky: "I'm calling you the guy who has my flask." Steet Vendor: "How would I have it, unl...
Mad Maynard: "I've just about had enough of you fuckin' Ities!" Swiss Guard: "But I am Swiss." Mad Maynard: "Them too!"
"What a fucking loser! I'm gonna videotape this."
"So, I'm driving to work today. Some bozo in a Cadillac cuts me off. So, I followed him. When he got out of his car, I run behind this guy. And I start bashing his brains in with this bat. Did you ever see the Untouchables? I was DeNiro!"
"The Mayor's office today, in conjunction with the New York Board of Tourism, it's new moto to replace the long standing "I Love New York" slogun. "I Love Hookers" will now be the city's catch phrase."
Cooper: "Hello, Mr. Walters. I see. Fired? Well, I... If... Well, if that's what you want, I understand. I just... Goodbye, sir." Scotty: "They had to catch you eventually, right?" Cooper: "No, they fired Humphrey." Scotty: "Shut up!" Cooper: "Yeah, I got his office and a raise." Jenny: "No!"
"If you do not wish to have your valuables stolen, I suggest destroying them or discarding them right now. You can also try hiding your valuables in your anus."
"The hellbeast is above us! And I can smell an evil slut."
Valerie: "Please don't die! Nicky?" Nicky: "Valerie?" Valerie: "What are you doing?" Nicky: "I... I think I'm floating." Valerie: "Why would you be floating?" Nicky: "Maybe it was because of this cake I ate earlier."
"I'm not a monster. I'm not a monster."
"Ahhhhhh! I'm really burning now!"
"Get me to the Big Apple. Cause I'm going to rock that town like a hurriacne."
"Okay dad, but in the words of Motley Crue, this will always be my home sweet home."
"I need names and shots! Bartender!"
"I don't mind giving the government..."
Clerk: "Look. You asked me to act natural and I acted natural. And under the circumstances I think I oughta get a fucking Academy Award for acting natural. I did what you asked to get rid of him and I am doing my best." Seth: "Well you best better get a helluva lot fucking better or you are going to feel a helluva l...
"Now is my shit together or is my shit together..."
"Oh, dude, I don't know about you, but I'm fuckin' hungry as balls."
Aramis: "And why are you so glum?" Porthos (Gérard Depardieu): "I expected action. There was no killing, no fighting. I was useless."
Kumar: "Excuse me, I have to--" Creepy Guy: "Huh?" Kumar: "I have to ask you, Why'd you-- why are you peeing right here?" Creepy Guy: "What?" Kumar: "I mean, why'd you pee right next to me when you could choose that bush or..." Creepy Guy: "This is a good bush to pee on. Why are you peeing on it?" Kumar: "Well, no o...
"Our old uniforms from our days of glory. I was saving them so that we could wear them in death, and so we shall."
"It's a prison, of course there's no trouble getting in. The problems will come when we want to get out."
Harold: "Neil, you wouldn't happen to know how to get on the highway from here, would you?" Neil Patrick Harris (Himself): "Dude, I don't even know where the fuck I am right now. I was at this party earlier tonight and some guy hooked me up with this incredible X. The next thing I know, I'm being thrown out of a mov...
J.D. : "Hey, Henry, what the hell's going on?" Harold: "Back off, cock boy. What I said to him goes double for you." J.D.: "cock boy? Did you just call me cock boy?" Harold: "Yeah, you know I did. You're just stalling because you're not quick enough to think of a comeback." J.D.: "You think I'm not quick enough. Guy...
"Well, I've wrestled with reality..."
Julie: "Is he dead?" Ray: "I don't know." Barry: "Check his pulse." Ray: "No way." Barry: "You're the one who rammed him." Julie: "Just do it."
Ray: "Look, I thought a lot about last summer. I know you hold me responsible for what happened." Julie: "I don't hold you responsible. No, I'm responsible for my own actions and I don't blame you."
"No, for the 40th fucking time I couldn't see his face."
"Don't let them impale me please, I want to live!"
"With my little stick and my highly evolved brain, (He pokes himself in the eye.) I shall create fire."
Sid: "Oh yeah, nice try bucktooth!" Diego: "You calling me a liar?" Sid: "I didn't say that." Diego: "You were thinking it." Sid: "I don't like this cat. He reads minds."
Manfred: "Guys, I thought we were in a hurry. And Diego, spit that out. You don't know where it's been." Sid: "Boy, for a second there, I actually thought you were going to eat me." Diego: "I don't eat junk food."
Manfred: "Don't make me reach back there." Sid: "Yeah well, he started it." Manfred: "I don't care who started it. I'll finish it."
Sid: "Captain, iceburg ahead." Manfred: "Ahhhhhhh!"
Sid: "Wow, I wish I could jump like that." Manfred: "Wish granted! (He kicks Sid over the crevice.)" Sid: "Ahhh!"
"Oh no, it wasn't the airplanes..."
"And I'm not into evil, and torture and all than stuff. Plus the prince of darkness should have adistinguished look to him. And let's face facts. I'm no George Clooney."
Nicky: "You said, no souls could get through that." Jimmy: "Nicky, are you a soul, or are you the spawn of Satan?" Nicky: "I never been to Earth dad. I never even slept over some other dude's house."
"I don't know what that guy's problem was. It's freezing up here."
Nicky: "Hey." Gatekeeper: "Hey." Nicky: "I like your brazier." Gatekeeper: "Oh, thank you." Nicky: "Could you guys maybe not tell anyone about this?" Gatekeeper: "Yeah, you got it. Would you mind maybe not telling anybody about this?" Nicky: "You got it."
Veronica: "Mr. Burgundy, you are acting like a baby." Ron: "I'm not a baby, I am a man! I am an anchorman!"
"I'm a man who discovered the wheel and built the Eiffel towel out of metal and brawn. That's what kind of man I am. You're just a woman with a small brain. With a brain a third the size of us. It's science."
"This is hard! I am in a pickle."
Bruce: "So tell me Mama, why make Buffalo's biggest cookie?" Mama Kowolski: "So the children of the neighborhood will be happy?" Bruce: "That's right. It must be wonderful seeing the smiles on their little faces." Vol Kowolski: "I work in back. I see no smiles."
"And he saw that it was good!"
"Mm, I love scotch. I love scotch. Scotchy, scotch, scotch. Here it goes down. Down into my belly. Mm-mm-mm."
Ron: "How much time? 30? 30 seconds?" Stage Hand: "You are on right now." Ron: "I'm on right now? I don't believe you."
"I'm Brick Tamland. People seem to like me because I am polite, and I'm rarely late. I like to eat ice cream and I really enjoy a nice pair of slacks."
"I wanna say something. I'm gonna put it out there. If you like it, you can take it, if you don't, send it right back. I wanna be on you. Wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait."
Brian: "You're with us, Ron, what do you think?" Ron: "She-- sh-- It's terrible! She has beautiful eyes, and her hair smells like cinnamon!" Brian: "Mm-hmm." Brick: "Loud noises!"
"I hate you, Ron Burgundy, I hate you!"
"You win! I'm done! Please, I don't wanna do this anymore. I don't wanna be God. I want you to decide what's right for me. I surrender to your will!"
God: "It's good." Bruce: "It's good." Both: "It's good."
"Look at her! Isn't she beautiful? (Grace blushes) She just gave blood, and she still has enough to fill up her face."
Ron: "I'm gonna punch you in the ovary. That's what I'm gonna do. A straight shot." Veronica: "Ooh, ow." Ron: "Right to the baby-maker." Veronica: "Ah, jazz flute is for little fairy boys." Ron: "Okay, you know what? That's uncalled for. I can't work with this woman."
"I'm in love. I'm in love. And I don't care who knows it."
"Alright, listen up! I don't like white people. I hate rednecks. You people are rednecks. That means I'm enjoyin' this shit."
Cake Decorator: "Hey, aren't you that kid from Crocodile Tears?" Sandy Lyle: "That's right. I'm Sandy Lyle." Cake Decorator: "Man, I saw that movie in high school. That bagpipe scene, that was the funniest shit, man." Sandy: "We had a great time on that picture. You want an autograph?" Cake Decorator: "Ah, no thanks...
Claude: "Look to me in my eyeball. I promise you I take care of Lisa as if she were my own flesh and blood." Reuben: "Thank you." Claude: "Okay?" Reuben: "Okay." Claude: "Okay. Solid!" Reuben: "Okay. Solid. All right."
Polly: "Well, you know, up until now, you haven't been exactly the portrait of honesty, so just come clean, okay. Just tell me who you are." Reuben: "I hate spicy food." Polly: "I knew it!" Reuben: "Yeah, I don't like it at all. I have a mild case of I.B.S. and..." Polly: "What is that?" Reuben: "Irritable bowel syn...
"What is your position on breast implants?"
Buddy: "What else could I do?" Dave: "What else could you do? You could've told her something else: I was at the bank, I was at the store, I ate some bad guacamole and I couldn't stop shitting! Any one of those would've been fine!"
Buddy: "Hum a little 'I Feel Pretty'." Dave: "No! How about you hum me "I'm a crazy asshole song", and take me home you psychotic piece of wacko."
Dave: "I've been getting your coffee, and doing your work for you for five years now, and when a good position actually opens up, you give it to the biggest dick in the world." Andrew: "I don't know about the biggest in the world, but it's definitely the biggest in the room."
Dave and Buddy: (They sing "I Feel Pretty" from West Side Story.)
"Yeah, that's right, I'm bad."
Austin: "You're insane, Goldmember!" Goldmember: (laughs) "And that's the way uh-huh uh-huh I like it. K.C. And The Sunshine Band."
"It's a far, far better thing I do than I have ever done."
"It's a far, far better thing I do than I have ever done. It's a far, far better rest I go to than I have ever known."