Ellen Griswold: "Clark, stop it! I don't want to spend the holidays dead." Clark: "Honey please, I'll do the driving okay? Will you just take it easy Ellen? I'm in complete control. I'm getting around this egg timer."
Clark: "The Griswold family christmas tree." Ellen: "Isn't it a little big?" Clark: "It's not big. It's just full." Russ: "Dad, that thing wouldn't fit in our yard." Clark: "It's not going in our yard Russ. It's going in our living room."
Margo: "I hope he falls and breaks his neck." Todd: "I'm sure he'll fall. But, I don't think we're lucky enough to have him break his neck."
Audrey: "Would it be indecent to ask the grandparents to stay at a hotel?" Ellen: "Audrey!" Audrey: "Well, can we at least forbid them to answer the phone? Alexander called this morning and Grandpa Clark told him I couldn't come to the phone because was going to the bathroom." Ellen: "We're all making sacrifices Aud...
Clark: "Dear Frances, I hope this adds to your enjoyment of the holidays." Frances: "Oh, it's just wonderful." Clark: "Oh, Arthur, Art, Dad, thanks for being here." Art: "The little lights are not twinkling." Clark: "I know Art, and thanks for noticing."
"He's cute, ain't he? Only problem is, he's got a little bit of Mississippi leg hound in him. If the mood catches him right, he'll grab your leg, and just go to town. You don't want him around if you're wearing short pants if you know what I mean. A word of warning though: If he does lay into you, it's best to just ...
Aunt Bethany: "Is your house on fire Clark?" Clark: "No, Bethany, those are just Christmas lights." Aunt Bethany: "Don't throw me down Clark." Clark: "I'll try not to Aunt Bethany" Aunt Bethany: "Is this the airport Clark?" Clark: "We're here!" Uncle Lewis: "Say Gris, me and Bethany figured out the perfect gift for ...
"If that thing had nine lives, she just spent them all."
Art: "It was an ugly tree anyway." Uncle Lewis: "At least, it's out of it's misery."
Uncle Lewis: "Hey Gris, if you're not doing anything constructive, run into the living room and get my stogey." Clark: "Is there anything else I could do for you Uncle Lewis?" Ellen: "He's an old man. This may be his last Christmas." Clark: "If he keeps it up, it will be his last Christmas."
Clark: "If this isn't the biggest bag over the head, punch in the face I ever got. Goddamnit!" Clark Sr.: "Son." Clark: "(He tears up the Jelly of the month club membership and drinks some egg nog.) That's good. That's good. That's good. Hey, if any of you are looking for any last-minute gift ideas for me, I have o...
Clark: "What's the matter?" Ellen: "Was that really necessary?" Clark: "We needed a tree." Ellen: "May I remind you that..." Clark: "That this was all my idea? No, no, no. I'm well aware of that honey." Ellen: "Well could you just keep it in mind the next time you go berzerk?" Clark: "I didn't go berzerk. I simply s...
Clark Sr.: "In years to come, you'll want your children and your family to remember all the love you gave us, and how hard you tried to make the perfect Christmas." Clark: "I just..." Clark Sr.: "You just cocked it up. It's okay, it happens." Clark: "All our holidays were such a mess." Clark Sr.: "Oh yeah." Clark: "...
Mr. Shirley: "I have never been treated like this in my life." Ellen: "I'm sorry, this is our family's first kidnapping."
Police: "(Knocking at the door.)" Margo: "Go away Todd." Police: "(Knocking louder at the door.)" Margo: "If you want in, you are going to have break down the Goddamn door!" Police: "(They break down the door.)"
Clark: "Oh, no. Eddie, it was my fault. I lost my temper when I got my bonus, and I... I guess I said some things I shouldn't have." Mr. Shirley: "Bonus? How did you get a bonus? I cut out bonuses this year." Clark: "Yeah, thanks for telling us. I was expecting a check. Instead I got enrolled in a jelly club. Sevent...
Mr. Shirley: "Look, uh, sometimes things look good on paper, but lose their luster when you see how it affects real folks. I guess a healthy bottom line doesn't mean much, if to get it you have to hurt the ones you depend on. It's people that make the difference, little people like you. So, Carl, whatever you got la...
"I did it."
"Wiseguys would pull up and Tuddy would toss me their keys and let me park their Cadillacs. I mean, here I am, this little kid, I can't even see over the steering wheel and I'm parking Cadillacs."
"One day, one day, some of the kids from the neighborhood carried my mom's groceries all the way home. You know why? It was out of respect."
"How are you all? I'm glad to be here. Take my wife, please. I take my wife everywhere but she finds her way home. I said, where do you wanna go for your anniversary? She said, I wanna go somewhere I've never been. I said, try the kitchen. Dr. Wellsler is here, wonderful doctor, gave a guy 6 months to live. Couldn't...
Bruce: "What do you want, fucko? You want something? Huh?" Bruce's friend #1: "(Henry grabs him by the hair and just starts cuffing him in the face with his gun) Hey" Bruce's friend #2: "What are you doing?" Henry: "I swear to my mother, if you touch her again, you're dead! (He cuffs him one more time for good measu...
"I swear to my mother, if you touch her again, you're dead!"
"I know there are women like my best friends who would have gotten out of there the minute their boyfriends gave them a gun to hide, but I didn't. I got to admit the truth, it turned me on."
Sara: "Casey, you're not sick. You're single. You just have to relax and enjoy the ride." Casey: "I haven't been ridden in months."
"So tonight, when you're wondering what to say, or how you look, or whether or not she likes you, just remember, she is already out with you. That means she said yes when she could have said no. That means she made a plan when she could have just blown you off. So that means it is no longer your job to try to make h...
"Definitely been hurt a lot. You know, I had a lot of bad experiences. Some good ones. But definitely a lot of bad ones. And, uh, yeah, I'm desperate, basically. I mean, not in general, you understand? You know, not just for anybody. But, man, for her... yeah. I-I... yeah-yeah."
Ben: "You know what your problem is, Hitch? You're all about the short game. You pick your shots based on what you see first not what's, uh, necessarily best for you in the long run." Hitch: "Well, all of us are not married to the woman of our dreams and about to have a baby. You know, I'm very happy for you. Just n...
Hitch: "How'd it go?" Albert: "I yelled at her. I screamed at my boss! I quit my job!" Hitch: "Y-- What?!"
Chip: "I couldn't help but notice you look a lot like my next girlfriend." Sara: "What's your name?" Chip: "They call me Chip?" Sara: "Aw, you can't get 'em to stop?" Chip: "That was funny."
Hitch: "Uh, hit it, hit it and quit it is not my thing." Vance: "Let me make one thing clear to you, rabbi. I need professional help." Hitch: "Well, that is for damn certain. And, I'm glad you can admit it because generally that's the hardest part."
"I saw that going differently in my mind."
"Uh, You almost hit me. Um, look, I just wanted to stop by, basically. Um, see, this is the thing. I, um, uh, whoof. It's wierd. I don't have me behind the door, you know. Close your mouth. Um, 'cause I knew at some point I'd be... you know, right--right here. You know, but I thought that, you know, we'd just ... (m...
Jimmy: "You agreed?" Dennis Haskins: "I'm in. I'm in."
Simon: "It's not so much a haircut, it's more of a process he has to go through. I'm being serious. It's like a procedure where they inject hair onto your head, he does it twice a year." Photog: "Is he balding?" Simon: "Of course yes."
Jim: "We had Vice President Quayle up here and John Miller who's down the hall here match the play by play. We're not going to ask you." Joe: "Good. Hell no. And I can't spell potato either."
"A man in West Virginia sank two consecutive holes in one this week, said the man's wife oh is that a lot?"
"If I had this guy's hair, I might have had a shot in the primaries. You know... Look, there ain't a whole lot there."
"I want my bacon! I got to tell you something, bacon is good for me. She thinks out of the blue she's a smart little girl that she can do whatever she wants. No, that's not how she can do it in our family."
Troy McClure: Here's an appealing fellow. In fact, they're a pealing him off the sidewalk! Homer: Heh heh, it's funny 'cause I don't know him.
LIMBAUGH: We're going to go to Chicago. This is Charles. Charles thank you for waiting and for calling. Great to have you here. Hello. CALLER: Thanks Rush. Rush listen, I voted Republican and I really didn't want to see Obama get in office. But you know Rush, you're one reason to blame for this election, for the R...
Operator 1: Can I help you? Man: Yeah, you know what somebody stole my truck now. Operator 1: Okay hold on. His truck was freakin’ towed last month for a 30 day impound, he’s telling me it was stolen 10 minutes. Operator 2: For a 30 day impound? Operator 1: Yeah and he’s screaming at me and the translator so… O...
"We have an incredible destiny."
"I looked everywhere. Nobody has seen Doug. He's not here."
"And my last comment is, no matter what Obama does, you will still criticize him because I believe you are brainwashed."
"Charles, if anybody is admitting that they are brainwashed it would be you."
I like big butts and I can not lie You other brothers can't deny That when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist And a round thing in your face
All right stop collaborate and listen Ice is back with my brand new invention
"It really works."
It's Turgess, with Tracky Jon Jon and Jimmy Moos.
Right and last night I gave you the business. We had an agreement, top front and some light ear work. You got your quid Hulster, where's my quo?
Yeah the assistants talked about it last night at Finnigans, the bar we all go to after work. In my dreams.
We go upstairs, 20 minutes, open mouth I will work your ears.
I'm flava Obama and I'd like to introduce the under secretary of housin in crystal meth. Boooy.
Lee, I need that dress Jenna wore for the hooker sketch, the heels Tracy wears when he plays Michelle Obama and double, wait, triple Spanx. I need a make-up artist, no the sluttier one.
"I'm sorry that my disease has made you a victim of my sexual charisma. I'm sorry that I ruined you for other men."
Jack: "I'm going to find out what was inside that box, I'm going to buy it with money and it is going to make me happy. And if that doesn't work, I'm going to Benjamin Button myself." Liz: "We're not meeting in the middle."
"I'm scared but I'm also excited. Woo, I'm lizzing, lizzing, I'm lizzing yeah!"
"Of course not, I don't have friends at NASA, bunch of nerds. You're going to have to use your TV magic and fake a space launch for Tracy."
Tracy: "You say Kenneth can't work here cause I don't work here. But if I work here so can Kenneth." Jack: "I don't understand." Tracy: "Of course you don't you idiot! I'm coming back to work Jack with Kenneth." Jack: "Damn you and your meddling."
Ryan: I could run GM, but I couldn't fix a car. It's not saying that one is better than the other. Pam: Really? Cause it sounds like one of those is better than the other.
I need somebody to make a copy of this, because I don't make copies, I'm the boss, got it? I make originals!
It's Brittany bitch and I am back in the form of a new company. The Michael Scott Paper Company.
You know what? I had a great time at prom and no one said yes to that either.
Randy: "I've got it all figured out son. You've got to kill the alien." Stan: "Kill the alien?!" Randy: "I've been filing down this piece of metal into a shank. I'm going to come over here to look at the car and when I do you shove that in his neck."
"Dad I just want you to know I still love you. Ah! He's okay. He's okay. He's okay. He's okay. He's okay."
"Today voting began in India's Parliamentary elections, and I am sad to say these elections are a sham, folks. The voting lasts a month. That means Indians won't know the results of their election until May 16. By then we'll probably know who's the next senator from Minnesota."
"Bottom line, the new plan does not save the market it just takes another great depression off the table. Don't go nuts. It still makes sense to buy the high yielders, the defensive names, the victims of liquidation when they get low enough but it will never make sense to buy and hold blue chip stocks forever anymor...
“I have noticed even people who claim everything is predestined, and that we can do nothing to change it, look before they cross the road.”
“Intelligence is the ability to adapt to change.”
"Enough is a enough! I have had it with these monkey fighting snakes on this Monday to Friday plane! Everybody strap in! We're about to open some windows."
"I've always been thin. This is my body."
Photographer: "Did you catch Paul McCarthy last night?" Marilyn: "I wasn't fishing for him."
Jack: "I am not your immediate supervisor. There are perhaps 40 people between us. Pete for instance..." Kenneth: "Oooh, I just don't trust Mr. Hornberger sir, he has a ridge on the section of his skull associated with deviousness."
Liz: "Excuse me Mr. Wienerslave." Mr. Wienerslave: "It's pronounced Wienerslave." Liz: "Okay, Jeffrey."
"And this is frightening, so many newspapers all across the country going out of business, it's pretty scary. So congratulations to the 'New York Times' this week, they won five Pulitzer Prizes this week...I read about it online on Google News."
Is that a toupee you're wearing of did your cat die?
Waldorf: That was a great number, I don't care what you say. Statler: I thought it was dumb. Waldorf: Maybe you're right!
Waldorf: What was that? Statler: It's call the medium sketch. Waldorf: The medium sketch? Statler: Yeah it wasn't rare and it certainly wasn't well done.
Did you miss me? Oh yeah! What? What? MC Vagina is right back in this bitch. 2009 is the year I recorded this song. Still not loving police. Still got love for the vaginal crease. Player haters beware because guns don’t kill people, I kill people with guns. Guns don’t kill people I kill people with guns. You punk as...
Photographer: "You should have been a model not an actress." Leelee: "I like to use my brain."
"I'm falling. Someone help me."
"Well I saw Gusto one day, we were at a park picnic. Yo he was with his family. I didn't want to trip. Cuz his people was there, his Pops and shit. Yo I just played in the background. I'll catch you at a swap meet or something."
"Yo check this out. I'm hardcore. I thought I had a lid on this game. I had this sewed up. Then I heard these motherfuckers CB4. These motherfuckers are real G. They showed me their guns, G. What the fuck am I supposed to do now? I can't dance. The shit's fucked up. But I met them. Gusto stepped to me and said, yo I...
"It's about 3 ghetto kids and their rise from the mean streets to the sales sheets."
Jones: "In Jones We Trust Productions. If you can't trust me, you can trust us." Gusto: "Yeah you can trust you gonna be dead soon. And guess who's next? CB4. They're gonna be ghosts."
Albert Sr.: "Don't be wasting my electricity on that rap mess." Albert: "But, pop…" Albert Sr.: "Don't but me. I'll beat your ass in front of your woman. Now I don't want no rap in my house."
"Yeah, yeah, I'm lickin' your balls, best balls I ever had. Uh-huh, you've got King-Kong balls. Your balls are so large, just big balls, I don't care. You just got big balls. "
Trustus: "Why not something like Ice Pick? Ice Coffee? I mean ice is real happening right now." Albert: "Ice my dick, we're Cell Block 4 and I'm Gusto, take it or leave it."
"Yeah I got a question for this so called Gusto. If you set someone up with the police and then stole his name and didn't even say excuse me. Wouldn't you expect the injured party to bust out of jail, hunt you down and beat you like the dog that you are."
"I'll eat a pig's ass if they cook it right."
"You ain't tough. There are real some kids out there that are going to kick your narrow ass. You ain't from the street, I'm from the street. And only somebody who wasn't would think it was something to glorify."
"I'm black y'all. I'm black y'all. And I'm blacker than black and I'm black y'all."
"Where's my money motherfucker? I want my money. Funeral or no funeral, I want my money. I don't care if I have to give you mouth to mouth and revive your black ass."
"I'm going down to South America, I'm taking a search party and I'm gonna find Curtis Blow. I know ya out there Curtis. I'm coming to get ya. But serious, I'm just gonna be plain old Albert."
"I kicked your father's ass in high school and now I'm gonna kick yours."
Bed, Bath & Beyond Guy: "I'm sorry, dude. I don't even work here. I'm just waiting for my friends." Michael: "You're kidding me." Bed, Bath & Beyond Guy: "Actually, yes. I don't have any friends. Will you be my friend?"
Michael: "Sweet." Morty: "It is sweet. The latest greatest universal remote not even on the market yet." Michael: "Ooh, I guess the O'Doyles' remote can bite my advanced-technological ass then." Morty: "I don't know the O'Doyles but they can bite it hard."
Michael: "How much is this thing, 'cause, uh, I ain't exactly Thurston Howell, you know?" Morty: "Lucky for you, it's not in the bar-code system yet. So I'm gonna have to just give it to you." Michael: "Whoa, whoa, whoa. What's the catch here, man? Want me to take my shirt off for you? Because I don't play for that ...
"Wow, look at me, turning my own TV on. I'm a freaking whiz kid."
"Just know there is a problem. I tried to get rid of the problem, it almost ended up in my ass. So I'm gonna go to work and just try to figure this all out."
Michael: "Oh, shh. Honey, we can't argue, okay? No more arguing. You're right. I'm wrong. All the time. How's that? You want a kiss?" Donna: "I'll take a kiss." Michael: "You know what? I can't give you a kiss because if I give you a kiss it might lead to something else, then... zip... another three minutes goes by....
Sophie: "I think I'll just stay in here until he leaves, maybe you could send in a salad and an iced tea?" Alex: "Right, I'll get the waiter - would you like to see the dessert cart as well?"
"I think I may have impaled myself on a dinner roll. It's a very good thing they didn’t have breadsticks - I could have lost an eye."
Sophie: "You should get some ice on that." Alex: "Only if it's attached to some whiskey."
"Inspiration's for amateurs! I just want four lines, please, I just want four lines."
Robin: "Uh, no, I can't go in this, it's broken." Quinn: "No it's not broken, it's being maintained."
Angelica: "Look what I got! Check it out." Quinn: "What's that baby?" Angelica: "It's a bathing suit, silly!" Frank: "I thought it was an eye patch."
Quinn: "It's an island, babe. If you don't bring it here, you won't find it here." Robin: "Whoa, heavy. Pilot and philosopher."
Robin: "Hubby." Frank: "Say that again." Robin: "What, hubby?" Frank: "I like that, say it." Robin: "Hubby."
"Well I'm the captain. That's my job. It's no good for me to go waving my arms in the air and screaming 'Oh shit we're gonna die!' Doesn't invoke much confidence, does it?"
Quinn: "I'm sorry." Robin: "For kissing me?" Quinn: "No, for this."
Quinn: "I really liked kissing you." Robin: "I liked kissing you."
Trust me, if my son were engaged, I'd have a comment.
Tabatha: "So did you cry?" Melanie: "Wouldn't you?" Tabatha: "One man for the rest of my life? I'd bawl my bloody eyes out."
I met somebody. And he's quite a catch. He's really a great guy.
Why do you make me be mean to you? Is that what you want? To be humiliated in front of all your friends?
If I'd known company was coming I'd put on the dog.
David Simms: "Hot tub Roy?" Romeo: "It's a spa."
"You just threw that in the spa."
Michael: "I'm young again. I'm young again." Bed, Bath & Beyond Guy: "Well, I mean, you're not 'young' young. I'm young. You're kind of on the back nine." Michael: "No, no, no. I'm just teeing off, baby."
"Like a lot of things in life, we laugh because we it's funny and we laugh because it's true. Some people say, reformers here say, put that man in jail what does he think he is doing. Well what I'm hoping I'm doing and here's where your English papers got a point is I'm responding to the will of the people."
Ted: "Okay, I'm- I'm up. What do you think?" Trudy: "Ugh. If you massage me first." Ted: "Okay, let's go to sleep."
"It's not just a show piece and I'll tell you exactly how I feel about prohibition. It is the law of the land."
Ness: "Do you have more important things to do?" Malone: "Yeah, but I'm not doing them right now."
Samuel Jackson Look-Alike: "I've had it with these damn snakes on a plane." Woman: "I heard you, now can you go get some raid or a knife or something?"
"I'm so hot."
Reed: "Johnny." Johnny: "I just bought this tux. Flame on."
Alex: "I actually have a few tunes it would be nice to update" Cora: "Oh, I don't live in the past, Mr. Fletcher. It was so long ago."
Rhonda: "Okay, okay, everybody goes to bed - I'm sending your father in there" Kid: "Woah, we're so scared!" Rhonda: "And then I'm coming in."
"Except when you are writing poems and short stories in The New School Literary Magazine. I googled you, and you were good."
Sophie: "What would you sing about?" Alex: "Oh, whatever gets me the job, really." Sophie: "Well that's inspiring."
"Can I just say, with all due respect, that you are, clearly, what is the word, insane, at this moment."
"No, no, you see, you have to sing in to the microphone, it wont follow you."
"Just a little bit louder because this song is intended for humans."
You can talk to me you know, I'm standing right here.
I fell for you like a child. Oh but the fire went wild.
I have never met anyone so manipulative, so deceitful, and I’m in politics!
Omura: "Please excuse, what is funny?" Algren: "The corps back together again is just so inspiring."
"You want me to kill the enemies of Jappos, I'll kill the enemies of Jappos. Or Rebs or Sioux or Cheyenne, for 500 bucks a month, I'll kill whoever you want."
Katsumoto: "I like this General Custard." Algren: "He was a murderer who fell in love with his own legend. And his troopers died for it." Katsumoto: "I think this is a very good death." Algren: "Well, maybe you can have one just like it someday." Katsumoto: "If it is my destiny."
Algren: "I need a bath." Colonel Bagley: "After living with those savages I could only imagine."
Colonel Bagley: "Captain Algren. We will show you no quarter. You ride against us, and you're the same as they are." Algren: "I'll look for you on the field."
"Your highness... if you believe me to be your enemy, command me, and I will gladly take my life."
Emperor Meiji: "Ambassador Swanbeck, I have concluded that your treaty is NOT in the best interests of my people." Ambassador Swanbeck: "Sir, if I may... " Emperor Meiji: "So sorry, but you may not."
Felix: "Well you have changed Oscar. When I saw you at the airport, I thought you'd died and your mother came to tell me." Oscar: "I heard that line on the Jerry Seinfeld show. So what." Felix: "It's how fast I thought of it that counts."
"Come on, it's not that bad. I look like your mother."
Danny: "We saw a picture of you in the newspaper in your underwear." Kim Furillo: "Oh that was an advertisement. I sometimes model in ladies' underwear." Barbara: "You looked great." Danny: "Mom, you said let's see after she has two kids."
Ed: "Two weeks. The three of us, New Mexico. Driving cattle." Mitch: "What, like in a truck?"
Arlene Berquist: "I hate you!" Phil Berquist: "I hate you more; if hate were people, I'd be China!"
"I'm Phil Berquist. I committed adultery; lost my job and my family."
Mitch Robbins: "That was 'have a pleasant and restful evening.'" Ed Furillo: "No, that was 'I like your ass. Can I wear it as a hat?'"
"I crap bigger than you!"
"Let me get you hot Phil. I need a price, register 9, I need a price."
"Look what I did. I made a cow."
"I hate bullies. Cause a bully doesn’t just beat you up, he takes away your dignity."
Ed Furillo: "Now I'm gonna go home, and I'm gonna get Kim pregnant." Mitch Robbins: "I hope I can help." Ed: "Whoa, Mitchie the kid is in trouble."
"Boy, thank god I got this job to go to every day or I'd really go crazy."
"I have sworn to put this man away with any and all legal means at my disposal and I will do so."
"Well if you're afraid of getting a rotten apple, don't go to the barrel, get it off the tree."
Barbara: "First, of course, he did three scenes from Godfather II." Phil: "He still does that, I love that."
"I'm Antonio, dance with me. Oh baby, oh baby."
"If I scream too loud, tough!"
"Sunny day, the stands are full of fans, what does he have to say? I'm goin out there for myself."
"I get nowhere unless the team wins."
"I want to hurt the man Malone. You hear me? I want to start takin the battle to him. I want to hurt Capone."
"Ah that's the second rule of police work. If you want to keep a secret, don't tell the boss."
"I want that son of a bitch dead! I want him dead! I want him dead, I don't care. What am I alone in this world? Did I ask you what you're trying to do? Did I ask you what you're trying to do?"
"I need to know now! Or I'm gonna rat you out for all the shit that I know you've done in your life. I'm gonna turn you over."
"Somebody steals from me, I'm gonna say you stole, not talk to him for spittin on the sidewalk."
"Isn't that just like a wop? Brings a knife to a gun fight."
"I pray to God that if I ever have a grievance, I would have just a little more self respect."
"I said that your friend died screaming like a stuck Irish pig. Now you think about that while I beat the rap."
"Your honor, is that justice?"
Press: "They, they say they're gonna appeal prohibition. What will you do then?" Ness: "I think I'll have a drink."
Hello. I'm Johnny Cash.
Baby I miss you.
I'm all personality. I got sass.
Because you're mine, I walk the line.
Johnny and June: "Someone to open each and every door. But it ain't me babe. No no no it ain't me babe, it ain't me you're looking for."
Johnny and June: "I'm not the one you want, babe, I'll only let you down."