Sara Goldfarb: I'm somebody now, Harry. Everybody likes me. Soon, millions of people will see me and they'll all like me. I'll tell them about you, and your father, how good he was to us. Remember? It's a reason to get up in the morning. It's a reason to lose weight, to fit in the red dress. It's a reason to smile. ...
"I will not be deterred by partisanship. I will not be deterred by misogyny. I will not be deterred by hate. You have now come face-to-face with my will."
"It's dry. Overcooked on the outside, raw on the inside."
Man: Raul Hernandez? Raul Hernandez: Yeah? Man: Got the delivery here for your next show. Raul Hernandez: Oh great. What you got? Man: Well let’s see, I got one aardvark, one flamingo, four porcupines, two armadillos, three badgers… Raul Hernandez: Badgers? Badgers? We don't need no stinking badgers.
I live my life like there's no tomorrow.
I'll tell y'all about it
"I got no love"
Goddamnit baby you know I ain't lyin' to ya I'm only gonna tell you one time yeah!
Manny: You're an embarassment to nature, you know that?
"Gee, I wonder."
"I write the songs that make the whole world sing. I write the songs of love and special things."
"Katie Bryce is a pain-in-the-ass. If I hadn't taken the Hippocratic Oath, I'd Kervorkian her with my bare hands."
"Jeannie, fresh as a daisy. Just love how she obeys me, Does things that just amaze me so. She smiles, Presto the rain goes. She blinks, up come the rainbows. Cars stop, even the train goes slow. When she goes by she paints sunshine on every rafter, Sprinkles the air with laughter, we’re close as a quarter after thr...
"There’s a certain couple that I know. They’re strictly lovebirds, A pair of turtle dove birds. He’s a guy who wants the world to know. So ev’ry day You’ll hear him say I Love Lucy and she loves me, We’re as happy as two can be, Sometimes we quarrel but then again How we love making up again. Lucy kisses like no one...
"Foiled. He did it to me again, but I will return, Gadget. I'll get you yet!"
"Life’s not the French Riviera, believe me, Life’s not, a charity ball. It isn’t, all a great, big, bed of roses, It’s not like showbiz, but the main thing I suppose is, We’re not the people you envy Believe me, We know we’re doing okay, We may be less than wealthy, But better yet, We’re young and healthy, And anyon...
"You're a great singer ich ein bein me der poop on."
"Kathie Lee Gifford returned to Regis' program, earlier today, to celebrate their 20th anniversary. Twenty years, congratulations. You remember Cathy Lee had to leave the show when she became involved in dog fighting."
"The name of the new book, the new Rosie O'Donnell book, I believe it's called 'It takes a pound cake'. I think."
"It was so nice today the New England Patriots were illegally video taping Al Roker."
"It's me the senator. I'm a senator. Hello? I'm the senator, do you like potatoes."
"And yesterday General Petraeus was in Washington testifying before the Senate and after the testimony Senator Craig said: 'You may not know this General, but right now I'm saluting you.'"
"Well uh, earlier today, uh, the big Iraq report. General Petraeus, and he says that the troops can start coming home next summer. I believe his exact words were 'And then it's Hilary's mess.' That's what he said."
"Howie Mandel may be a younger game show host, but at least I still have hair."
"I only wish Regis were alive to see this."
"I'm not only a game show host -- I'm also Spider-Man."
Drew: "During your Harry Potter Bit." Letterman: "Yeah?" Drew: "Honestly it was like 15 minutes ago. They called me, it's a done deal, I'm the new host of The Price is Right." Letterman: "Oh."
"Oh and by the way ladies and gentlemen, this stuff I lieu of actual entertainment."
"It's a good thing."
Earl: "Ralph! What are you doin here?" Ralph: "I figured another way outta this mess without having to kill ya." Earl: "Really?" Ralph: "Yeah, I'm gonna sleep with your mom. Ha ha ha."
"In today's episode Gardner-Webb takes down Kentucky, Don Shula backs off and the Raiders plan to kick the ball to Devin Hester."
"I love it as a viewer, I think it's stupid as a coach."
"Now I am rooting for Kansas to go undefeated because if they go undefeated they necessarily beat Missouri and probably have to beat Oklahoma. And at that point, if they're undefeated with those two wins, they should go ahead of LSU, they should go ahead of Oregon."
"I'm Tony Kornheiser."
"I like the corn rolls, I endorse them."
"Once again my friend, you have come up with an interesting number. But you have narrowly touched the reason."
"Pardon the Interruption but I'm Dan Levitard."
"Again I can't hear you. There are Stanley Cup rings in my ear."
"You also said you coined the phrase 'The high water mark'. I don’t think so. That's like saying you invented the question mark or something."
"You better cut it out right now or I'll pound you."
"I'm Popeye, the sailor man."
"I'm Popeye, the sailor man."
Michael: "Alright so the slit is a little…" Designer: "That is unbelievable." Michael: "I know what she had for lunch."
"I never dress down. I think that when you're 42 years old and you have 5 children it's a slippery slope into sweatpants and a minivan."
"I know of the people that will be judging and some of em, I don't particularly respect their…you know, style."
Bill: "Who are you supposed to be Bill?" Richardson: "I'm Al Gore. I got the Nobel Prize, Oscar."
Betty: "If I had IBS I would kill myself. Tootalu, sianara, bye bye." Jodi: "Bye, bye."
Brian: "When it's all over I pack up my stuff, check my voicemail one last time and head home." Voicemail: "First new voice message." Brian: "Hey you. I know you had a tough day but you got through it because you're the best there is. You're a winner and I love you. I love you too."
"Here with some insight on the strike and its larger effect on the entertainment industry, studio head Roger A. Trivanti."
Roger: "It's even worse on the Internet. You know, we just post movies and television for free." Amy: "Yeah, but don't you collect ad revenue from you website." Roger: "Amy, how many times do I have to explain this. That's like say does a magazine collect revenue for putting ads in their magazine. It's irrelevant."
"I don't have $200,000. I wish I had $200,000 but I don’t. I only have $20 million."
"A Seattle Federal Grand Jury is investigating allegations by a model who says she was raped, assaulted and threatened by magician David Copperfield at his private island in the Bahamas. When asked for a comment Copperfield said, yes I raped you, yes I assaulted you and I threatened you but more importantly is this ...
"That is correct Albus Dumbledore, headmaster of Hogwarts, is a homosexual."
"Why don't they make an invisibility cloak for stomach pooches."
"Senator Clinton, who we're deliberately placing in the center since all of us in the media want her to be the nominee."
"I wanna thank my family for getting me here, NBC for letting me do it. My thanks to Feist, to Senator Obama and Horatio Sanz."
"And really, you know, I'm not creeped out that you tried to have gay sex in an airport bathroom. I'm creeped out that you tried to have any sex in an airport bathroom. I don't even like going to the bathroom in an airport bathroom. I mean really."
"So in conclusion, you're gay but a married republican. You're gonna vote for anti-gay legislation but you solicit gay sex in an airport bathroom. Wow, you do have a wide stance."
"Good evening. I'm still and you're still not."
"Incidentally, earlier while referring to Fred Thompson I mentioned the words pigs in a blanket. I don’t know what came over me and I apologize."
Daughter: "We've been behind the couch." Son: "I was behind the couch too." Daughter: "I said we!"
Daughter: "We'll be right back." Son: "I'll be right back too." Daughter: "I said we!"
Son: "School's for the birds." Daughter: "It’s for kids."
"How badly do I want to be your President. On a scale of 1 to 10, I'm about a 6."
"Now I'm not saying I don't want to be your president because I kinda do, a little bit. It's just how do you campaign when you don't like hard work and people make you sick."
Amy: "I kinda like acting. I did a monologue for the 8th grade recital and it got a lot of laughs." Jon: "Well that's good." Amy: "It was from The Diary of Ann Frank."
Jon: "20 years from now, you're going to be a cast member on Saturday Night Live and I'm going to be the host. Does that blow your mind or what?" Amy: "Wow! Wait, you're going to be the host." Jon: "Yeah." Amy: "Oh, no, okay."
"Dear diary, I have a new dream. One day, I'm going to look at a camera and I'm going to scream life from New York it's Saturday night!"
Dona: "I'm pregnant." Frank: "Oh!" Dona: "It's not yours."
Vinny: "Where in the Americas are you from Bon Jovi?" Jon: "I'm from a place called New Jersey." Vinny: "Hey, New Jersey, yeah. New Jersey, very good. Sopranos."
Naked Guy: "Hey what's up. No, I'm in SNL. What? No, I'm still totally naked. Yeah, all the squares are freakin. Oh look a quarter let me just bend down and pick this up." Seth and Amy: "Oh!" Naked guy: "Yeah I got it. Alright, I'll see you soon mom." Seth: "Alright, the naked guy from Times Square."
Jon: "I don’t get it, what's wrong with Bon Jovi?" Band Member: "Jon, I wasn't going to say anything earlier, but I think that maybe the reason that some of us are having a problem with Bon Jovi is that it's your last name."
"Iconoclasts, the show that brings together the world's most fascinating in controversial minds."
Bjork: "Hello Charles Barkley. Would you like to hold my invisible baby?" Charles: "Is this for real?"
"I drive a Dodge Stratus!"
"Easy, guys.. I put my pants on just like the rest of you - one leg at a time. Except, once my pants are on, I make gold records."
"I gotta have more cowbell!'
Gene Frenkle: "Can I just say one thing?" Bruce Dickinson: "Say it, baby. Say it". Gene Frenkle: "I'm standing here, staring at Bruce Dickinson!" Bruce Dickinson: "The cock of the walk, baby!" Gene Frenkle: "And if Bruce Dickinson wants more cowbell, we should probably give him more cowbell!" Bruce Dickinson: "Say i...
"I said the guitar, was out of TUNE!! It wasn’t my FAULT!! 'Fred’s Slacks' is a winner!!"
Milo: "Man, what kind of guitar is that?" Lucifer: "It’s a hell-spun mixture of the bones of fornicators!! And the sinew of thieves and gluttons!!! MWUHAHAHAHA! [ pauses ] ..It’s uh, It’s a ‘Fender’."
"Uh! I’m the devil, and I’m here to say, I’m the most evil rapper in the U.S.A. All my homies and my bitches say ‘Ohhhh’"
"To my as yet undetermined Republican opponent, the candidate I will have defeated. I want to compliment you, whoever you turn out to be in advance. On running what I am sure will have been an honorable, I'll be it losing campaign."
LeBron: "I'm happy to be here. This organization is very close to my heart." Penelope: "Close to my heart too. Actually it's inside my heart so it's a little bit closer. More important to me."
LeBron: "Uh, every year I donate Thanksgiving turkeys to family in need." Penelope: "I donate turkeys too so. Some chickens and lambs and French fries to kids, also to babies so. I was at the first thanksgiving and I brought maize so."
LeBron: "Lady can you show a little respect." Penelope: "I wrote the song respect for Aretha Franklin so. She stole it from me so."
"This is my year, got to dig deep, see clear. Make it special. I'm a senior now, gotta dance and how."
Andy Samberg: "They say true love comes only once in a lifetime and even though we’re from opposite ends of the earth, my heart tells me you’re the one for me. Mahmoud. I remember when it started, saw you on the news you were hating gays, I was eating food but I was feeling you, and even though I disagreed with almo...
Andy Samberg: "They say true love comes only once in a lifetime and even though we’re from opposite ends of the earth, my heart tells me you’re the one for me. Mahmoud."
Andy Samberg: "I remember when it started, saw you on the news you were hating gays, I was eating food but I was feeling you, and even though I disagreed with almost everything you said you ain't wrong to me, so strong to me, you belong to me Like a very hairy Jake Gyllenhaal to me Mahmoud make my heart beat right o...
Adam Levine: "And Iran, Iran so far away is your home, but in my heart you’ll stay."
Andy Samberg: "He ran, for the president of Iran we ran together to a tropical island my man, Mahmoud is known for rilin’ smiling, if he can still do it then I can they call you weasel, they say your methods are medieval you can play the Jews I can be your Jim Caviezel S&M, nestlin’ when we’re wrestlin’ You can be t...
Adam Levine: "And Iran, Iran so far away come home, and in my arms you’ll stay. Used to look at the stars and dream round the world same stars were seen And a twinkle in your eyes Mahmoud."
Andy Samberg: "Talk smooth to me, without a tie your pants high wasted, damn so fly. We can take a trip to the animal zoo and laugh at all the funny things that animals do Like Eugene (Levy) you got me straight trippin’ boo hope you look in my eyes and say I’m trippin’ too you say Iran don’t have the bomb but they a...
Andy Samberg: "You crazy for this one Mahmoud you can deny the holocaust all you want but you can’t deny that there’s something between us I know you say there’s no gays in Iran but you’re in New York now baby it’s time to stop hiding, and start living."
"You say Iran don’t have the bomb but they already do you should know by now, it’s you."
"Yeah, sorry about that Mike. My mind must be else where. You know I just bought a new sweater."
LeBron: "That's not an excuse." Jeff: "Hey look dude, I played High School ball."
"Now you're in my house little man. Here we go, what you got?"
"Hey there, I'm Lyle Kane and this is my talk show."
"If the glove don't fit, stays in Vegas."
"For more of President Ahmadinejad views on women or homosexuality, read his interview in this months Inches Magazine."
"A women in Russia gave birth to a 17 pound baby who was her 12th child. The women is recovering well, though her vagina has gone into hiding."
"If you're like me, from 1980 to 1988 your entire life revolved around a show called Solid Gold. If you are not like me you were going out with friends and laughing and having a very good time while I was watching that show."
"HI I'm Darcel, I'm 5 foot 6 and I weigh 108 pounds. My favorite color is tan and I enjoy bus rides."
"I am the greatest show on earth and I won't apologize for that."
"I-I wouldn't trust the media."
LeBron: "But you've always talked about the importance of a college education." Counselor: "No, I mean come on, I mean do you know who has a college education? I do! I mean look at me. My shirt doesn't have long sleeves, I make my own lunch, you know I share an office with Glen."
"I don't have any lines, I'm not in the show. But something tells me that if I were, I'd be raren to go!"
Adam: "I love you sweeeeeatshirt." Kevin: "Red hooded." Adam: "Sweeeeatshirt." Kevin: "Dip dip dip." Adam: "Sweeeeeatshirt." Kevin: "Shamalamadingdong."
"I love it, I love it, I love it, I love it, I love it!"
Guy: "Hello and welcome to dog show." Colleen: "This is a show for people." Guy: "About dogs." Colleen: "Staring one dog." Guy: "And one dirt dog." Colleen: "That's right, that's my. I'm Miss Colleen and I like dogs!"
George: (Reading the card from Whatley) "This holiday season a donation has been made in your name to the Children's Alliance?" Jerry: "Oh, that's nice." George: "I got him Yankee's tickets! He got me a piece of paper saying 'I've given your gift to someone else!'" Jerry: "To a children's charity!" George: "Don't yo...
"It's made from aluminum. Very high strength-to-weight ratio."
Jerry: "Happy Festivus!" Kramer: "What's Festivus?" Jerry: "When George was growing up.." George: (Interrupting) "No!" Jerry: "His father.." George: "Stop it! It's nothing. It's a stupid holiday my father invented. It doesn't exist!" (Elaine enters while George is exiting) Elaine: H"appy Festivus, Georgie." (George ...
Frank: "And at the Festivus dinner, you gather your family around, and you tell them all the ways they have disappointed you over the past year." Kramer: "Is there a tree?" Frank: "No. Instead, there's a pole. It requires not decoration. I find tinsel distracting." Kramer: "Frank, this new holiday of yours is scratc...
Kramer: "No. (To manager of H&H) Ah, listen, Harry, I need the 23rd off." Manager: "Hey! I hired you to work during the holidays. This is the holidays." Kramer: "But it's Festivus." Manager: "What?" Kramer: "You know you're infringing on my right to celebrate new holidays.." Manager: "That's not a right." Kramer: "W...
Gwen: "Kramer, Hi!" Kramer: "Oh, hello." Gwen: "It's Gwen.. We met .. at the coffee shop." Kramer: "Ah-huh." Gwen: "I'm dating your friend, Jerry.." Kramer: "Ahh.. I don't know who you really are, but I've seen Jerry's girlfriend, and she's not you. You're much better looking - and like, a foot taller." Gwen: "That'...
"I am the rider, you are the ridee."
"It's grown-up stuff, a little too complicated to explain."
"I'm just a little too in touch with my inner child."
"I'm a big girl. Just tell me the truth. I can take it, ya know?"
"I choose my choice."
"I can't smoke, I can't drink... and I can't get excited... about anything."
"I'm gonna get laid, I'm gonna get laid."
"Please! I have to get laid!"
"I'm a lesbian."
"Seriously. There is not an unlimited amount of love in the world. It's rare."
"I need to have sex. It's been too long. Lately I've been having these dreams where I run -- I run -- up to complete strangers and just start kissing them."
"I gave you sushi. I need fuck."
"I'm in the union. I know the rules."
Sam: "I'm not telling you the whole story." Carrie: "It gets worse?"
"Ya know, I didn't think this could get any worse, but -- ha ha -- it has."
Randy: "So you boys like this music, huh." Kyle: "Yeah dude, it's Guitar Hero." Butters: "Stan and Kyle are really good at it."
Mr. Kincaid: "I heard you just broke a 100,000 points on Guitar Hero." Stan: "Yeah we did!" Mr. Kincaid: "Well I'm impressed, and I'd like to be your manager."
"Oh, I love this song."
Stan: "We're playing what I want, now select a different song." Thad: "Yeah, well how about this one. I quit, I quit, I quit, I quit, I quit, I quit, I quit, I quit, I quit, I quit."
Mr. Kincaid: "Nobody plays Heroin Hero a little. You know, you never catch the dragon." Stan: "I know, but it mellows me out, okay."
Stan: "I was listening to you for a while. Dude, you've gotten a lot better." Kyle: "Oh thank you. I was so eagerly awaiting your approval of my abilities."
"You don't get it Stan. I can play here all I want. I even get free Frescas. I don't need you anymore."
"If I could yell tampon dick shit in the classroom I'd be so happy."
"Isn't having Tourette's awesome?"
Butters: "You and your cousin touched wieners?" Cartman: "I didn't say that. Yes I did but why!?"
"Tonight an inside look at Tourette Syndrome."
"I'm Chris Hansen."
"God, please I know I screwed up. I should never have pretended to have Tourette Syndrome. But see, I get it now. You can't just walk around saying whatever you want. You gave us a filter because people don't want to hear things like 'I touched penis' with my cousin'."
"Now everyone's gonna know I'm a perve."
Man 3: "Aw, I knew it." Man 4: "There aren't really brownies!"
"Take a look fat ass. I beat you."
Cartman: "Oh thank you, thank you Kyle." Kyle: "What?" Cartman: "I asked God to send someone to help me and you came Kyle. I love you man."
"Hello everyone. I am Bono. Hello, hello, hello, hello, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!
Randy: "I'm sorry I'm not Bono, alright. I'm sorry I don't have billions of dollars and a Nobel Prize nomination." Sharon: "Randy, this is ridiculous." Randy: "Oh that's real mature Sharon. Just act like everything's funny. It's a big joke to you, isn't it? Just a big joke! Don't touch me!"
"Randy Marsh of Colorado is now 3 weeks into his quest to make a new crap. Spending nearly every waking hour at P.F. Changs."
Randy: "Argh! I can't do it. I can't do it." Doctor: "The crap is simply to big Mr. Marsh. We must perform a cesarean."
"Kill the kid. I want him dead."
Stan: "Dad are you alright." Randy: "Yeah, I'm good. I feel a lot better."
"Kids, I need to tell you something that you might find shocking…I'm gay."
Ms. Garrison: "Looking for work? Si, trabajo." Mexican: "Jes, we all can work, si." Ms. Garrison: "Alright, we need you to infiltrate some Persians who run Club Persh and dig up some dirt on the owner."
"Yes! I did it! Yes!!"
Cartman: "I can't possibly jump this many homeless people. I won't risk it. I could jump two homeless people, maybe three. But asking me to jump this many, is asking me to risk my like Kyle." Kyle: "I don't want you to jump them retard!"
"I don't have any change! I don't have any chaaaange!"
Cartman: "I jump the homeless professionally. If you can get me a skateboard, I'll try to jump that homeless crowd and save those people." Kyle: "Oh shut up Cartman, all you did was jump over one homeless guy." Cartman: "I easily could have cleared another thirty or forty."
"It is already completely forgotten that I have given it change. It just wants more change."
Kids: "In the city." Stan: "City of Brentwood. They take really good care, of all their homeless."
Kids: "In the city." Cartman: "City of Venice. Right by Matt's house, you can chill if you're homeless."
Kids: "in the city." Stan: "Marina Del Rey. There so nice to the homeless, there's no doubt about it."
"I saw a leprechaun."
"It's a…oh jeez I think it's a leprechaun."
"Get that fucking leprechaun! I want it alive!"
"All aboard the imagination balloon."
"Incoming subspace signal."
Jeff: "Chicken, the tribe has spoken." Chicken: "I heard 'em."
"I'm a believer in Jesus Christ and in the bible it says: 'Thou shall not bow down to any other god'. You know, it really felt like worship. I mean we're in a temple, there's Buddha. I just couldn't do it. It was emotional for me cause I knew I did the right thing, but it was so hard."
"I seem to be like sorta marooned in a land of like flight attendants and Sunday school teachers. Like come on. I live in a city. People who live in New York don't act like this."
Jeff: "Ashleigh, what's the criteria for your vote, tonight?" Ashleigh: "Ah, I'm voting for Dave."
"I love it when a plan comes together."
You know what? It's OK. If Bill O'Reilly needs to have an enemy, needs to feel persecuted, you know what? Here's my Kwanzaa gift to him… Are you ready? All right… I'm your enemy. Make me your enemy. I, Jon Stewart, hate Christmas, Christians, Jews, morality! And I will not rest until every year families gather to sp...
"I'm terribly sorry sir, I've looked everywhere, there isn't an icecream sandwich left in this town."
"Yo my brother, when the going get's tough, the tough get going. It's hammer time."
"I have fallen and I can't get up."
"Actually baby you got it, but I take donations."
"You know the old saying, those who can do, those who can't teach? Well I can, and I do."
"I am the Lorax, I speak for the trees."
"This ones on me, maybe later I can get on you."
"I was asking her, needle dick."
"Listen bear, you worry too much. Look at me, I'm always smilin."
"Ladies and gentlemen, it's The Muppet Show!"
"What is the single most important thing for a company? Is it the building? Is it the stock? Is it the turnover? It's the people, investment in people. My proudest moment here wasn't when I increased profits by 17%, or cut expenditure without losing a single member of staff. No. It was a young Greek guy, first job i...