"Have you heard um...? Have you heard er... Michael Jackson's new song he's doing? He's teamed up with West Ham football team, apparently. Doing, I'm Forever Blowing Bubbles."
"I could catch a monkey. If I was starving I could. I'd make poison darts out of the poison of the deadly frogs. One milligram of that poison can kill a monkey. Or a man. Prick yourself and you'd be dead within a day. Or longer. Different frogs, different times."
Gareth: "All right then Einstein if you're so clever, what am I thinking about now?" Tim: "You're thinking how could I kill a tiger armed only with a biro?" Gareth: "No." Tim: "You're thinking if I crash land in the jungle can I survive by eating my own shoes?" Gareth: "No and no you can't." Tim: "What are you think...
Kevin: "So ah, have you found a band yet for your wedding?" Pam: "No." Kevin: "Cause I'm in a band. We really rock."
"What is on your face? Is that a disguise?"
"That is outrageous! I love this place and it pains me to see all of the negativity festering."
"I never smile if I can help it. Showing one's teeth is a submission signal in primates. When someone smiles at me, all I see is a chimpanzee begging for it's life."
"Oh I steal things all the time. It's just something I do. I stopped caring a long time ago. You should see how many supplies I've taken from this place. Honestly, I love stealing things."
Jim: "I'm in love with you." Pam: "What?" Jim: "I'm really sorry if that's weird for you to hear but I needed you to hear it."
Pam: "You have no idea." Jim: "Don't do that." Pam: "What your friendship means to me." Jim: "Come on, I don't want to do that. I want to be more than that."
"It is very important to own property. Back in olden days, they would not even let you vote unless you own property and they throw you in the stalks and humiliate you."
Dwight: "Ask him his symptoms, I'm on WebMD." Michael: "What are your symptoms?" Oscar: "I-I have the chills, feeling nauseous and my head's killing." Dwight: "Checks out."
"I keep various weaponries strategically placed around the office. I saved Jim's life with a can of pepper spray I had velcroed under my desk."
"People say, oh it's dangerous to keep weapons in the home or the work place. Well I say, it's better to be hurt by someone you know accidently than by a stranger on purpose."
"I lied to Michael. I said that I would leave him alone but I will not. I will remain close by to provide unseen moral support, but I will never help him."
"Me likey the ice cream cake, okay? Fudgy the Whale."
"I am totally alone right now, with only my thoughts. I love it. I'm lovin' it."
"I have hemorrhoids!"
"I have made this spear with which I will impale my dinner. And it couldn’t come a moment too soon because I have been without food for a good 3 hours or so, starting to feel it a little bit."
Stanley: "I took an extra shot of insulin in preparation for this cake today. If I don't have some cake soon, I might die." Oscar: "Why don't you just have an apple?" Stanley: "Why don't you mind your business?"
"I am not a machine Jim. You can't just change plans willy nilly and expect these little magic party elves to do your bidding. We already have Devil's food, peach cobbler, fudgy the whale, mushroom caps."
Angela: "What am I supposed to do with two cakes and a pie." Kevin: "I'll take them." Creed: "Well nobody's taking my cobbler."
"Hey Michael, I mean Jim."
"I don't need the woods, I have a nice wood desk."
"I don't need fresh air, because I have the freshest air around; AC."
Michael: "I was able to be on the scene so quickly...because I was in the car that hit her." Jim: "Who was the driver?" Pam: "Oh Michael."
Kevin: "Who's we? You and Jim." Pam: "No, me and Stanly and Phyllis so far." Kevin: "Oh, I bet Jim goes too." Pam: "Yeah, I haven't asked him yet." Kevin: "Oh, I bet you ask." Pam: "I was planning on it." Kevin: "I bet you were." Oscar: "Stop."
Michael: "Ok, I have an announcement." Oscar: "You pushed Darryl out the window." Michael: "No." Phyllis: "You shot Dwight."
"Do I need to be liked? Absolutely not. I like to be liked. I enjoy being liked. I have to be liked. But it's not like this compulsive need to be liked, like my need to be praised."
"Well if you are going to reduce my identity to my religion, then I'm Sikh. But I also like hip hop and NDR. And I'm restoring a 1967 Corvette in my spare time."
"If there was a god, Ryan and I would be married by now."
"Is there a god? If not, what are all these churches for and who is Jesus' dad."
Dwight: "Exercise is good for depression." Angela: "I'm not depressed I'm in grief."
"I'm very fast. I'm like Forrest Gump except I am not an idiot."
"I can't beat rabies. Nobody can beat rabies. Rabies has been around for a thousand years and I was a fool to think that I could beat it."
"Is this about me and Jan in my office because I will have you know that that was consensual. What we did has nothing to do with you or anyone here. I don't think anyone heard anything. We were very discreet and most people had left by that point."
"I don't see it. I think they both could do better."
"Only thing that could make this day better is ice cream."
Ryan: "All essential personnel will be issued Blackberries for company use." Michael: "Ooo, give me, give me, give me, give me."
Ryan: "Kelly, I'm your boss now, ok. You can't keep talking to me like I'm your boyfriend." Kelly: "Oh big strong man, fancy new whatever."
"I hope you're still committed because I'm pregnant. And guess what, buddy - I am keeping it!"
Michael: "What is the actual deal with these things in terms of testicles?" Jan: "What?" Michael: "I don't want to grow weird sperm in case we ever wanna have kids."
"I drove my car into a fucking lake."
"Okay. Attention earthlings I have some news."
"I can make more sales than a computer. In fact I challenge that website to make more sales than me today."
"Dwight mercy-killed Angela's cat. It's very complicated. It's caused a lot of unpleasantness between Dwight and Angela, who were both already prone to unpleasantness."
Andy: "And then I will say something positive like, 'kudos!' Or 'job well done!'" Jim: "Or zippity do da." Andy: "I can't tell if he's mocking me." Dwight: "Just ignore him." Andy: "I can't do that. It's really hard for me to let things go." Jim: "I was mocking you." Andy: "Thank you."
Phyllis: "So how do you feel about the fact that the banner says lunch." Angela: "I feel angry, angry at you. Angry at you for doing something stupid. Angry at me for believing you could do something not stupid."
Andy: "We start as soon as I make this shot." Dwight: "Yeah!"
"3 reams, in your face machines."
Michael: "Do I have permission to invite Carol?" Jan: "No- ah, geez Michael--" Michael: "I'm sorry it was just the first girl that popped into my head. I'll find somebody that I haven't slept with."
"Damn it Kelly it knows. It knows what you did."
"I'm leavin', inside Jim's car. I don't know when I'll be back again. Yes I dooo. Tomorrow I'll be baaack. I'll be back. Tomorrow."
"What am I supposed to do? What do you want me to do tonight? And if you tell me that I have to drive back to Scranton to the satellite party I am going to throw up. Okay, I'm going to throw up. I'm throwing up, you're making me throw up Ryan."
Angela: "I can't do this. I can't do it." Michael: "Yes you can. Yes you can. I know you can. I wouldn't say that if I didn't 100% believe it. Who else could do this?" Angela: "Okay. Okay." Michael: "No seriously, is there anyone else who could do it better? Because we don't have a lot of time."
Michael: "You didn't actually think that I was gonna spend 60 bucks on pizza." Oscar: "It's not pizza!"
Delivery kid: "You'd better think about what you're doing." Michael: "No, I'm an adult. I don't have to think or do anything. You're a kid, you're a little snot nosed, punk kid who thinks he's better than everybody else. Because he's some hot shot. And you don't know anything about sales. So stop being a disrespectf...
"Yes, is Alfredo there? May I speak to a manager then?"
Andy: "Look Angela, I know this is weird because we work together and because up until and possibly including now I've repulsed you, but I like you." Angela: "I'm not dating you."
Michael: "I'm Ryan, and tonight didn't go the way I thought it would. Because it didn't work out for me. And I'm very embarrassed." Dwight: "And I spent so much time in Scranton but I never sold any paper."
"I cannot tell you how I plan to escape other than by using magic. That is the magician’s code. Separately, on an unrelated note, if you happen to find a small brass key."
"I love this woman!"
"I run a small fake ID company from my car with a laminating machine that I swiped from the sheriff’s station."
"Remember that Casino Night about a month before we were supposed to get married? I kissed Jim."
"I am gonna kill Jim Halpert."
"I live by another rule. Nike: Just do it."
"So Phyllis is basically saying, hey, I know you did a lot to help the office this year, but I only care about you and oven mitt's worth. I gave Ryan an iPod."
Store Clerk: "Comes to $166.41" Michael: "Is this enough to get 20 people plastered?" Store Clerk: "15 bottles of Vodka? Yeah that should do it." Michael: "Cool, cool, box it up."
Michael: "It's grape! Soda." Jim: "Tony the Tiger, you don't hear that much anymore." Michael: "Not so much."
Ryan: "I had IT install the updated PowerPoint on your computer so you can use it for the presentation. I really want people there using PowerPoint." Michael: "Okay, yeah, no I don’t know. I don’t know. I think those IT guys messed up." Ryan: "Hold on, I'll get them on the phone." Michael: "Wait, no, here it is, her...
Jim: "You're running a bed-and-breakfast?" Dwight: "It is not a B&B. Agro-tourism is a lot more than a bed-and-breakfast. It consists of tourists coming to a farm, showing them around, giving them a bed, giving them breakfast."
"I just love sales. I love it to death. It's as simple as that. And I don't get to do it enough as a manager, so I took this second job. I count it as a hobby. Some people have golf, or relaxing."
"I am better than you have ever been or ever will be."
Ryan: "Okay Michael, why don't you start us off?" Michael: "Erm ... that wasn't much of an introduction." Ryan: "... Ladies and gentlemen, your boss Michael Scott." Michael: "Still lame! Okay, alright, um, thank you Ryan for that wonderful introduction."
Kelly: "Um, see you later tonight." Darryl: "I got plans later." Kelly: "Okay, bye honey."
"Now that I think about it, Angela and Andy might actually make a good couple. But I couldn't do that to Dwight or Angela or Andy."
Oscar: "Hey, I just wanted you to know that you can't just say the word bankruptcy and expect anything to happen." Michael: "I didn't say it I declared it." Oscar: "Still, that's not anything."
"I left a little present for Angela. I think she's going to like it cause I found it outside Van's Refrigeration all alone and I told her in the note that the cat came to find her. That they were destined to be together. I got game."
"I'm so proud of you. Your career is just a beautiful thing to watch. Thank you. Adam Sandler ladies and gentleman!"
"I await your bid."
"I can't believe it. I…That is the most…I can't believe it. That's great."
"Here's the next item up for bid."
Paulie Walnuts: "Don't even drive out to Jersey. Not even on Sundays." Juan Valdez: "I'll tell them." Paulie Walnuts: "They've been told. Twice. Now I'll tell 'em."
Paulie: "Fucking Italian people, how do we miss out on this?" Pussy: "What?" Paulie: "Fucking espresso, cappuccino we invented this shit. And all these other cocksuckers are getting rich of it." Pussy: "Yeah isn't it amazing." Paulie: "It isn't just money, it's a pride thing. All of our food - pizza, calzone, buffal...
Paulie: "What do you hear? What do you say?" Cop: "License and registration." Paulie: "What about if I give you one of these?" Cop: "I'm wearing a vest." Paulie: "If I shoot it's going in your braischole." Cop: "You're a real sick fuck, you know that?" Paulie: "Danny boy. How's the family?" Cop: "Oh not bad Paulie, ...
Detective Gaudioso: "Anthony Soprano, Detective Gaudioso Essex County I have a warrant for your arrest." Carmela: "For what?" Detective Gaudioso: "Are you Anthony Soprano?" Tony: "What'd you bring the whole county with you?" Detective Gaudiosos: "We don't take any chances when it concerns an illegal firearm contain...
"I'll tell Sandy Claus on you."
"I'll try means I'll fail. You know that."
Bob: "Don't be long." Hector: "I'm not on time, I won't be coming."
Jaime: "I have a girlfriend." Mack: "We all have a girlfriend."
"Come on, move over, if you flood this I don't have time to call triple A."
Ellis: "I didn't think…" Mack: "You got that right. So now you can help probe."
Whoopi: "There are all of these very, very strong opinions about it. One thing I haven't heard anybody say is, ya know, from his background this is not an unusual thing for where he comes from. It's like cock fighting…" Walters: "That part of the country..." Whoopi: "Yeah, it's like cock fighting in Puerto Rico, ya ...
"Let me go! Let me go! I hate Lotor!"
Bandor: "I don't know who you are! Better start talkin'!" Pidge: "I don't know what to talk about! How about sports or the weather?" Bandor: "Real funny! I bet you're a spy."
"I like the way you bow."
"I always knew I was great, but I didn't know I was this great!"
"Don't you people get it? It was the phone cops!"
"I pity the Pirates!"
"It's déjà vu all over again."
"I knew exactly where I was I just couldn't find it."
"It ain't over until it's over."
"Are you kidding me I didn't say half the things I said."
"It ain't the heat, it's the humility."
Hit a cat and I’ll hit your kid
Young Julius: "Mom! I found a quarter. I love you quarter, I'm gonna keep you and name you Bernard."
"When I pull out food stamps people look at me like I ain't got no husband. They talk to me like I ain't got no sense. They treat me like I ain't got no class and if somebody treats me like that, I'm gonna curse em out!!"
Guy: "You sellin weed?" Rochelle: "No I'm not selling weed. I'm selling food stamps." Guy: "Oh, well who's sellin weed?" Rochelle: "Get your jelly bean head outta here."
"I allow you to look at that TV. I allow you to run up my gas bill. I allow you to walk up my stairs. I allow you to ask me these ridiculous ass questions. Why should I give you an allowance, when I already pay for everything you do?"
Tanya: "Mama, Chris just got hit by a car." Rochelle: "Oh my God, I'll go get the Robitussin."
Teacher: "Inga binga binga bonga. Chris, what tribe are you from?" Chris: "I don't know!"
Greg: "Well we're a team man. We're like Starsky & Hutch, Hall & Oats." Narrator: "Like Itchy & Blacky."
"No you need to take your little friend upstairs and put him in the shower, cause if he smells anything like you, I ain't cookin him and I damn sure ain't eatin him."
Prisoner 2: "You are in hell, little man. And I am the devil."
Earle: "Bruce? You're supposed to be dead." Bruce: "I'm sorry to disappoint."
Fox: "So, what's your interest in it, Mr. Wayne?" Bruce: "I want to borrow it. For spelunking." Fox: "Spelunking?" Bruce: "Yeah, you know, cave diving?" Fox: "You expecting to run into much gunfire in these caves?"
"Ignorance is bliss, my friend. Don't burden yourself with the secrets of scary people."
Hotel Manager: "I'm going to have to ask you to leave. It is not a question of money." Bruce: "Well, you see I'm buying this hotel and setting some new rules about the pool area."
"Bruce deep down you may still be that same great kid you used to be. But it's not who you are underneath it's what you do that defines you."
"Yeah, Dr. Crane, I can't take it anymore. It's all too much. The walls are closing in. Blah, blah, blah. A couple of days of this food, it'll be true."
"I won't kill you but I don't have to save you."
"There was once a dream that was Rome. You could only whisper it. Anything more than a whisper, and it would vanish - it was so fragile."
"I am a sexy beast!"
Austin & Nigel: "Ithankyou."
"That's a keeper. Yes, put it in the skin box please with the others. I'm peeling."
Scott: "I love you dad." Dr. Evil: "(Makes heart stopping sound) I love you son."
"Well you might be a cunning linguist, but I'm a master debater."
Guy 1: "Ruuuun it's Godzilla." Guy 2: "It looks like Godzilla but due to international copyright laws, it's not." Guy 1: "Still, we should run like it is Godzilla." Guy 2: "Though it isn't."
"I'm Dougy! I'm Dougy!"
"I hate you! I don't even know you but I hate you too! And I especially hate you!"
Austin: "You know Dr. Evil. I used to think you were crazy." Dr. Evil: "I know." Austin: "But now I can see your nuts. Athankyou."
"I am from Holland, isn't that weird!"
"Its been an honor serving with you all. Autobots, roll out."
"I am Megatron!"
"I live to serve you lord Megatron."
Jazz: "You want a piece of me, you want a piece?" Megatron: "No, I want two!"
"It's you and me, Megatron!"
"I am Optimus Prime."
" I am Optimus Prime and I send this message to any surviving Autobots taking refuge among the stars. We are here. We are waiting."
"Now I break you, like I break your friend."
“I see dead people.”
“I’m so scared.”
“I wish I knew how to quit you.”
"You bring the crowns and heads of conquered kings to my city's steps. You insult my queen. You threaten my people with slavery and death! Oh, I've chosen my words carefully, Persian. Perhaps you should have done the same!"
"And no Spartan, subject or citizen, man or woman, slave or king, is above the law."
"See old friend, I brought more soldiers than you did."
"There is such a route good king. Just past that western ridge. It's an old goat path. The Persians could use it to outflank us."
Leonidas: "You wear the crimson of a Spartan." Ephialtes: "I am Ephialtes, born of Sparta."
"But I am a generous god. I can make you rich beyond all measure."
"Every pleasure you fellow Greeks and your false gods have denied you, I will grant you, for I am kind."
"Yes I want it all! Wealth. Women. And one more thing… I want a uniform!"
"Councilmen I stand before you not only as your Queen. I come to you as a mother. I come to you as your wife. I come to you as a Spartan woman. I come to you with great humility."
"It's been more than 30 years since the wolf in the winter cold. And now it is not fear that grips him. Only restlessness. A heightened sense of things."
"The other day I was walking through the forest alone, a tree fell right in front of me and I didn't hear it."
"I even love that creak. I’m not even going to WD40 the sound out. I want the ambience."
"The other day, I don't know if you ever got this, it was about 2:30 in the afternoon, I got the itchiest asshole I've ever gotten, on record, and I keep a record of my itchy assholes."
"Let's talk a little bit about L-O-V-E. Sometimes you meet somebody and you have what is known as a relationship and things can go great. If things go great you have a great relationship. Sometimes it doesn't go so great and I call that a relationSHIT!"
"Once you're IN love, that's like being inside that party, going 'Where's my jacket? I wanna get outta here. where's my jacket? I been to this party six years and I wanna see other parties! Where's my jacket. Someone shit on the coats.'"
"If you were a droid briggghhhfffggg, you would be turned OFF."
"See, my brain is so fantastical, that I follow the exaggeration, like, 'Omigosh, Dane, I went home and there was a fire, and there was like a thousand firemen out there. 'NO THERE WAS NOT!'"
"Can I just say something? Can I just say one thing? ... I would really like to just say something.... I... am not a twat!"
"I open it up, I put a cashew on the tip off my hog, I bent it back, shot it into my mouth, first try. First try, dude. I catapulted a cashew into my gullet."
"Although I am against the war, I still support our white troops."
"And so I'm out there with all of his money going oh shoot, I woulda had that one if it wasn't for gravity. Hey I'd be good at this game if it was on Neptune."
"I had no guidance, I don't know."
"TarantuIa's going I can't believe I should be in the desert. I'm on this loser's lime green beanbag chair. He's blowing these shit weed hits in my face. I'm not even high, he's stoned off his ass like a lightweight and he's a dealer nonetheless."
"I only know 3 R.E.M. songs, and guess what I don't like 2 of them. Oh yeah, I said it. I'm not cool. I don't like R.E.M., don't hang out with me, I'm a nerd."
"Growing up I think Queen was my favorite band. They were hot. The funny thing is I didn't know idea bands were gay. You have no concept of that as a kid. My mom liked Liberace, I had no idea. I liked Elton John, no idea. Queen …"
"I was walking down the street with a friend, and he said, 'I hear music.' As if there was any other way you can take it in. That's how I receive it too. You're not special."
"I wrote a script, and I gave it to a guy who reads scripts, and he really likes it, but he thinks I need to rewrite it. I said, 'Screw that, I'll just make a copy'!"
"I gotta tell you, I am, I am, I'm rooting for the Red Sox in the World Series. And, ok, alright, and I'm not saying that, I am not saying that, I'm not saying that just because I'm here in Massachusetts if I'm in Colorado within the next week or two you will see I will have the courage to tell the people in Colorad...
"I want to show you my goods."
"I want to show him my toolbox."
"I have all that shit, tough guy."
"Well, I'm the best!"
"Because of certain reasons, you know I used to wear little shorts on the job and what not. And they would fire and bricks and pipes and bottles of beer at me and what not."
Guy: When my grandfather died there was one candle next to his bed and the candle started flickering. We all thought it was him going to heaven, you know. Leo: You don't pass through fire to get to heaven. I think he went to hell.
Clarke: Fight like a man would ya! George: I don't know how to fight, I'm a comedian!
Ronnie: I don't want to take my pants off! Wheeler: What? Woah woah!
Okay I had a protection spell on me, alright, but it had faded off when you touched me so don't flatter yourself thinkin you can come back at me okay. Cause I would love to see you penetrate me again.
Danny: Let me tell you something, I am not your big, I'll hit you. I will hit a child. I've never done that before but I will punch you in the face. Ronnie: Let's dance Ben Affleck.
"Well, I'm not going home."
"But in the real world super heroes don’t always win. Shadow Hare says he suffered a dislocated shoulder trying to help a woman who was being attacked a couple of years ago."
"To the Idiotmobile!"
"Call me an idiot!"
"Well, I am the High Commander."
"To say that you behave childishly is an insult to children everywhere."