"Well I know what your answer is. It's the same answer that audiences give me whenever I discuss this particular problem: The answer is no."

"I don't happen to be a rich man, so I couldn't use that one."

"I don't happen to be a rich man."

"And I have that audit here in my hands."

"Because I want the American people to know all the facts, and I am not afraid of having independent people go in and check the facts."

"And incidentally this is unprecedented in the history of American politics."

"And then fortunately, we've inherited a little money."

"Ladies and Gentlemen, a more benign but equally insidious plague has fastened itself upon the families of America."

"In the name of Jesus!"

"This is slowing down right now. Uh, others with infection, the Lord is taking away the infections. Just receive, the Lord's infected tooth."

"Uh,we're going to have our eyes, the iris scan."

"The person I am on stage it's me., but there's a kind of, um, ignorance coupled with arrogance."

"There's a kind of, um, ignorance coupled with arrogance."

"Well, I mean, you know, you tell someone you're a comic, and they're like, tell me a joke, make me laugh, uhhhhh. I'm not your monkey, Jake. Tap dance monkey."

"Well, I mean, you know, you tell someone you're a comic, and they're like, tell me a joke, make me laugh, uhhhhh. I'm not your monkey."

"I'm like, oh my God, I don't wanna do jury duty. And my friend was like, why don't you just write something really racist on the form, like I hate Chinks."

"I'm like, oh my God, I don't wanna do jury duty. And my friend was like, why don't you just write something really racist on the form, like I hate Chinks. And I was like, yeah, but I don't want people to think I'm racist."

"And my friend was like, why don't you just write something really racist on the form, like I hate Chinks. And I was like, yeah, but I don't want people to think I'm racist."

"And I was like, yeah, but I don't want people to think I'm racist."

"And I wrote I love chinks."

"Thank you. I really care."

"It's a show, don't, you know what?"

"If I ever win an award again, mark my words, I'm going to thank Sweetness. It'll be the wrong arena, but he just is genius. He's the most inspiring human being ever."

"I mean, I asked Tony Dorsett, one time, like, face to face, who's the best running back of all time. He doesn't flinch. Walter Payton. Ask any of those guys, Walter Payton's the best running back of all time."

"I asked Walter one time. What's the hardest hit you ever took? He said, I don't remember ever take...I don't remember the hard hits."

"I don't remember the hard hits, he goes, but I remember stiff arming a guy and getting underneath his pads and grabbing his chest so hard, I could feel his heart beating in my hands."

"But I remember stiff arming a guy and getting underneath his pads and grabbing his chest so hard, I could feel his heart beating in my hands."

"It was surreal."

"Uh, I did almost 200 yards of that hill, and then I made a phone call."

"I could just ask him, and that was a huge benefit, to be able to, to have the writer around. Especially, it's Billy Crystal, so..."

"Lucky for me, I mean a lot of stuff gets broadcast long after it's been filmed so, I work really hard to try and budget my time between my real life and work."

"There will be issues that the next President will deal with that we're not going to be able to predict or write the policy paper about today."

"I agree with Al Gore and I don't want to."

"He's a smart, curious and intellectually alert as possible. That's why he loves these town hall meetings."

"There is, there should be concern any time, uh, anyone is improperly using politics to influence career decisions."

"We believe that is improper."

"I think that if you look at the report, and it is in line with what the attorney general said at the time, was that he was not aware of that, of that going on."

"I do. I do. I have confidence in the President."

"It's not unfair for him to sort of bring up the fact 'Hey everybody knows I'm black'."

"But there has been a very intentional effort to paint him as somebody outside the mainstream."

"Barack Obama is a well spoken, attractive man, but he's like an internet date."

"I hate to admit it but I'm not the best parent in my family. The best parent in my family is here with me today it's my wife Elizabeth."

"I was happy to hear that you have a modern marriage where everything is negotiable. I need some advice."

"We're not going to achieve energy independence by inflating our tires."

"I'm Andrew Rice and I approve this message."

"I'm Al Franken. Something has got to change and that's why I approve this message."

"I'm Larry LaRocco and I approve this message."

"Idaho families are hurting."

"I'm Larry LaRocco. For over 1 year I've been working side by side with Idahoans. More than 30 jobs so far."

If Mr. Holder hadn't participated in the process, or something to this effect, this pardon wouldn't have happened.

In this particular case, and generally, we could have done a better job.

I didn't do anything!

"I'm Larry Kissell, I approve this ad, lets take our country back."

"I'm Darcy Burner and I approve this message."

"I don't think so."

"I'm Barack Obama and I approve this message."

"But I am not a racist. I never made a racists comment and I didn't attack him personally."

"I will not comment on this because it interferes with the issue which is who should be elected in November."

"I got bad press alright. Because I told the truth."

"It was pretty odd that I'm the only black reporter. All of the other reporters were white, they were local. But I was told because I was not national that I had to be removed."

"I'm John McCain and I approve this message."

What'd they get you for? Umm... I bought a car. It turned out to be an alien robot. Who knew?

"I mean he was so interested in me that I was just transformed. I always liked him but my gosh I felt so special."

"I been tellin people that um yeah watch me in the film and they see a glimpse of me. But I was still in the film!"

"I been tellin people that um yeah watch me in the film and they see a glimpse of me. But I was still in the film! But this time I have more of a speaking part, so its all good, alright."

"Well, you know what? I-I'll tell you tomorrow."

"I-I'll tell you tomorrow."

"Is there any chicken around?"

"I've already done everything that I really wanted to do in, in the sport of boxing."

"I've already done everything that I really wanted to do in, in the sport of boxing, so, um, you know, I'm gonna keep'em guessing a little while longer."

"It?s the right time to call it a day."

"It?s the right time to call it a day uh it?s it?s it's a decision that I've been thinking about for such a, a while."

"And you could say my mission's complete."

"I've already beaten everybody."

"If I would have retired without boxing Mike Tyson, it would have been a situation where everybody was saying 'well Mike Tyson's best', 'you never boxed him'. So I had to box him."

"You have to be hungry in this sport, you know, if you're not hungry, and if, all of a sudden things are coming easy for you and you're being real comfortable, then you know, you definitely have to start looking towards the future."

"I want to be one of these boxers that when I say I retire, I've retired."

"As far as the money's concerned, you know, it was never about money for me, it was always about glory."

"I'll be looked at as a person that?s basically done it with dignity, honor, did it myself, did it my way, and got out at the right time."

"I'll be looked at as a person that?s basically done it with dignity."

"I'm still a Muslim. That is, my religion is still Islam."

"Hey America I'm Paris Hilton and I'm a celebrity too. Only I'm not from the olden days and I'm not promising change like that other guy. I'm just hot."

"Hey America I'm Paris Hilton and I'm a celebrity too. Only I'm not from the olden days and I'm not promising change like that other guy. I'm just hot."

"I can lose just as easily as they can lose."

"I can bring some energy and some interest in the game."

"And if they told me, I want you to play doubles in Sydney 2000, I--I'm there."

"Of course, you lose a little of that intensity or desire."

"It isn't very much."

"And I always tell her that she'd look good in anything."

"She'd look good in anything."

"If I don't, they'll probably be saying this about me, too."

"And I think you will agree with me."

"I have no apologies to the American people."

"I love my country."

"And I think my country is in danger."

"Isn't good enough for America."

"And you know the Irish never quit."

"Those who are involved in martial arts, before they start are actually inhaling some demon spirit, some of them do that by the way. That all-enormous strength comes about not from a human source but from a demonic source."

"There’s going to be an i-9/11 event."

"I had dinner once with Richard Clark at the table and I said 'is there an equivalent to the Patriot Act, an iPatriot Act, just sitting waiting for some substantial event just waiting for them to come have the excuse for radically changing the way the Internet works?' And he said, 'Of course there is' and I swear th...

"But now they're coming to believe that maybe it isn't so good."

"I think the people who make the decisions want internationalism, and they want globalism, and they want a North American Union, and a European Union, and they want international law and UN and WTO and world banks and WTOs."

"The people who are in charge, whether it's our monetary policy, fiscal policy, or foreign policy are internationalists first."

"We have a stadium there that's going to hold 15 thousand people. So, we want to have an impact."

"More importantly I love debating you."

"What I won't accept is artificial timetables of withdraw."

"You know you hear all the time with this it may be a Civil War. Well I don't believe it is."

"You can inflate your tires to the proper levels and that if everybody in America inflated their tires to the proper level we would actually probably save more oil than all the oil that we'd get from John McCain drilling right below his feet there."

"Well, I'm not a historian that goes through all of the pieces of legislation John McCain has worked on."

"I think it is. It is urgent. It is one where the violence is growing."

Man: "I said I was sorry." Brian Bates: "Why would you do this in your employers vehicle?"

"It's not worth it is it? You can get a disease, you can get arrested, you can lose your job, you put this truck at risk."

Love, Madness - it's my secret

“Now, as I said, I will be glad to ask for any investigation or scrutiny of what DHL is doing.”

“But I’ve got to look you in the eye and give you straight talk: I don’t know if I can stop it or not, or if it will be stopped. So I have to tell you that, in some straight talk.”

“In fact, some more straight talk: I doubt it.”

"Remembering that the worst alternative of all is Iran with nuclear weapons."

"And it gets even worse. Stay tuned for more."

"I'm optimistic about China's future."

"Because I know from just what I'm hearing that there is just this incredible pent up desire and I think that people want to feel like okay it's a catharsis we're here, we did it and then everybody get behind Senator Obama."

"My oldest is gonna be 20 in October and when I got pregnant 20 years ago in Gloucester High School."

"I actually realize now that I'm so much more fond of him than other people. No, I really care about that man. I feel so sorry for him."

I don't think maybe is the answer I'm looking for ... I think 'YES, I'm going to help you, Dale.', that's the answer I'm looking for.

"I was just nervous you know, I don’t know, I'm naturally more quiet and reserved. I really never dated anybody before."

"When I was young I did, yeah, I smoked a lot of weed in High School. I mostly did that. And, yeah, you can't smoke weed while you're making a movie all day it's just too hard. There's a lot of heavy equipment around."

"2 years ago, I made a very serious mistake. A mistake that I am responsible for and no one else."

"I'm in love with one woman. I've been in love with one woman for 31 years. She is the finest human being I have ever known."

"It was short, it was a huge mistake in judgment, but yeah I didn't think anyone would ever know about it."

"And it was painful for her. Hard and painful for her. But she responded exactly like the kind of women she is. She forgave me and we went to work on it. I'm not saying she thought it was okay, I'm not saying that. But she did forgive me."

"I was wrong and I am responsible."

"I have to be the man and take responsibility. And I don't need a shield."

It's Like God's Vagina

Dale: "I just, um, I'm kind of flabbergasted when you say stuff like that... it's weird." Saul: "Thank you." Dale: "Not a compliment!"

Saul: "I think we should stay!" Dale: "Why?" Saul: "'Cause I'm in the dumpster already!"

"I don't know. I think a lot of people are asking whether they say, is this, is this real."

"And if Iowa or New Hampshire don't like that, they can take some of that Iowa corn and stick it up their Dicksville notch."

"I'd say I won."

"Ah, There's Georgetta, there's Frida George, and there's one point where my wife says, 'Look, I'll remember the names.'"

"I believe that we have far more critical issues."

"I believe in an America that is officially neither Catholic, Protestant nor Jewish; where no public official either requests or accept instructions on public policy from the Pope, the National Council of Churches or any other ecclesiastical source; where no religious body seeks to impose its will directly or indire...

"Finally, I believe in an America where religious intolerance will someday end, where all men and all churches are treated as equals, where every man has the same right to attend or not to attend the church of his choice, where there is no Catholic vote, no anti-Catholic vote, no bloc voting of any kind, and where C...

"I believe in a President whose views on religion are his own private affair, neither imposed upon him by the nation, nor imposed by the nation upon him as a condition to holding that office."

"And no power or threat of punishment could cause me to decide otherwise."

"The issue of equal rights for American Negroes is such an issue. And should we defeat every enemy, and should we double our wealth and conquer the stars, and still be unequal to this issue, then we will have failed as a people and as a nation."

?And I would never do a commercial if I thought it was offensive to anyone.?

It's a controversy, you know.

?Me, myself, I?m a fighter. You know, I fight. If I did something wrong, I admit it.?

It's not wrong, like I said.?

?You know, everybody know it?s not serious. I never hurt nobody, Bill. I am a tough guy. I train to be tough. I condition my body to be tough. I?m not a predator.?

I'm gay, and I thought it was funny!?

I will, Bill!

"First of all, I don’t see America having problems. I see America as a nation that is a world leader that has got great values."

"Every nation in Asia gained its independence through the philosophy of nationalism. Every nation on the African continent that has gotten its independence brought it about through the philosophy of nationalism. And it will take black nationalism -- that to bring about the freedom of 22 million Afro-Americans here i...

"It's dangerous."

"If you black, you were born in jail."

"This is true."

"I look at the clock and I go it's 3 o'clock in the morning and I just hear sobbing. And it was Bernie's make-up artist and she said he's gone. And I just…I was shocked."

"I got mine, I want you to get yours. I'm like what?! This is the King of Comedy telling me that he's gonna follow me?!"

"it was kind of crazy that he said that it was, it was hard for a company that's making billions of dollars to ensure these guys, so they can fucking live a normal life."

"But I had some things in my mind, just no one wanted to invest in them."

"Gettin' an invitation, can you believe that?"

"I kept hopin', you know, you want to be champion of the world, you want to beat everybody, you say you're tough, but in reality, you don't want to fight Joe Frasier."

"This man is not intending to box, he's trying to kill someone."

"I'd look, I didn't have to say a lot, I'm gonna do this to you. I didn't open my mouth. It was, it was all in my eyes."

"Yeah, I remember once he was in a hotel he told me, 'Look George, I'm having fun. Everybody's saying, Is that George Foreman?' People were calling him George Foreman in Las Vegas. Asking him was he George Foreman."

"Probably be one of the, uh, big inside-out forehands."

"But I haven't made a lot of inroads, I gotta be honest."

"He's, ya know, ironic and detached."

"You know, Jon may point out the hypocrisy of a particularly thing happening in a news story or behavior of somebody in the news. I illustrate the hypocrisy as a character."

"Comedians' politics, they tend to be iconoclasts, they tend to be anti-status-quo. You know, a lot of comedy is about tearing down status."

"He tried to perceive what was the true intention of the person speaking, left or right, whether or not it was something he agreed with."

"Well, I'm happy to say that I'm very comfortable to talk to him like a peer now too."

"It's even-steven."

"We have injected ourselves."

"It'll be the ballot or it'll be the bullet."

"I'm as Irish as you. I'm a Tourmey, I'm an O'Neill, I'm a Tuck, I'm a Fee, I'm a Connelley."

"I improvise the show every night, just like you do."

I like turtles!

I'm gonna win

"Can't deal with relationships anymore. I broke up with my girl. I'm out of Shawshank. I'm free. I don't want to go back. Couldn't even argue with her. You should be able to argue, if you have an issue in a relationship, you should be able to argue that issue out. You should be able to argue that issue out, right?"

"The baby says, 'I'm selling weed, nigga!'"

"I prefer syrup."

"Hey, I love black people, but I hate niggaz."

"I'm sadistic. I like to go to supermarkets and watch mothers lose it and beat the shit out of their kids."

"Italians are funny people, because they act like niggas. It's funny. They do. They hold their dick more than us. They be standing around, 'Get the fuck out of here.'"

"Why don't you just go hop in your IROC Z- and take your ass home."

"He was mayor of the 105th largest city in America. And again, with all due respect to Richmond, Virginia, it’s smaller than Chula Vista, California; Aurora, Colorado; Mesa or Gilbert, Arizona; north Las Vegas or Henderson, Nevada. It’s not a big town."

"He was in a business meeting in New York and I was in the same place."

"I actually, definitely…believe…I was hired."

"If you're a religious person you understand that once a religion takes hold in a society it can't be stopped."

"That is pure fucking insanity"

Jeff: "You might be the biggest perv in the world right now. What were you thinking?" Alex: "I couldn't sleep. I saw the doll." Jeff: "So you can't wake me up to play video games or something?" Alex: "I didn't want to disturb you. You were balls deep in that turtle with a thumb in your mouth." Jeff: "I l...

"I call it love. I am their father, the people are my children. And I shall hold them to my bossum and embrace them tightly."

"Father to a murdered son. Husband to a murdered wife. And I will have my vengeance in this life of the next."

"Bud Fox, I look at 100 deals a day. I choose 1."

"I'm talking about liquid. Rich enough to have your own jet. Rich enough to not waste time."

"I'll break you mate, in two pieces over my knees. You know it, I know it. I could buy you six times over."