"I am Al Bundy."

"I intend to."

Al: "Now Griff you survived the other initiation rights, the purchasing of panty shields in broad day light, the attending of Julio concern in wig and matching ensemble, are you ready for the third and final challenge?" Griff: "I've got an ex wife and I work in a shoe store, I feel no pain."

Peggy: "I can't believe you Al. How is it that you know the 9th play of your championship game…" Al: "42…on two." Peggy: "And yet you don't know my favorite movie, my birthday, or the color of my eyes." Al: "Well we should have gotten partial credit for bloodshot."

"Now, my response to that is yes I have. I have had sex with women that work on this show."

"I have an internet blog and everything. In lamest terms that means I’m super fucking awesome and you should probably just start writing big checks right now and never stop."

"I’m a fucking awesome Social Media Guru and I’m super fucking busy right now. Like so busy. I have projects and great ideas coming out my ass 15 times a day. If I had more hours in the day I’d be a billionaire for sure. But today I’m here, to save your cute behind."

"Iran’s leaders must now choose – they can live up to their responsibilities and achieve integration with the community of nations. Or they will face increased pressure and isolation, and deny opportunity to their own people."

"Earlier this year, we imposed tough, new, sanctions on North Korea to stop their efforts to develop weapons of mass destruction. And we will continue to stand with our allies and partners to press North Korea to move in a new direction."

"That’s why any plan I sign must include an insurance exchange: a one-stop shopping marketplace where you can compare the benefits, cost and track records of a variety of plans – including a public option to increase competition and keep insurance companies honest – and choose what’s best for your family. And that’s...

Chirped by @EdcelSM

Danny McCooz talks about how he came up with the song called Status Updates.

"I said behave bitches."

I threw it on the ground! You must think I’m a joke! I ain’t gonna be part of this system! Man, pump that garbage in another man’s face!

"I’m an executive by day and a wild man by night."

Mitchell: Maybe a baby. Jay: Oh that's a bad idea. Mitchell: What do you mean bad idea? Jay: Well kids need a mother. If you two guys are bored, get a dog. Mitchell: Okay, we're not bored dad.

Jay: Manny, you're with me on this right? Manny: I want to tell Brenda Feldman I love her. Jay: Ah for god sakes. Gloria: Manny, she's 16. Manny: Oh, it's okay for you to take an older lover. Jay: Eh, watch it.

Claire: If Haley never wakes up on a beach half naked, I've done my job. Phil: Our job. Clarie: Right, I've done our job.

"Our liquid money, this joint bank account contained all of our liquid money and it was sitting there waited to be paid. He was not allowed to touch it. At some point I removed it to keep it safe on the suggestion of my lawyer but needed to put it back according to the arbitrator."

"I was aware of it but I wasn't in the decision process. I was in grievance with it because I feel like at this point unfortunately we do have different goals and it appears to me, in my opinion, that there is one parent at this point that is pulling for the best for our children."

"He had done it a few days before I filed for divorce. He didn't empty it completely but it was enough that I was afraid."

"I have the accounting over the last few months and it's exactly $230,000 beginning on August 10th and his last withdrawal was September 29th."

"I don't want them to film anymore. I do't think it's healthy for them and the rason that I don't think it's healthy for them is that we're going through a divorce right now and I don't thik it should be televised."

"It's hard, every morning I don't know what I'm going to wake up to."

Chirped by @JinGonzales

Chirped by @kvetska

"Hey guys first off I want to say that I’m really sorry to all of our Backstreet Boys’ fans, as well as I’m sorry to the Hard Rock Café staff there."

"Unfortunately I was diagnosed with the Swine Flu yesterday and my job right now is to stay away from as many people as I can."

"Let me tell you folks, I got my work cut out for me."

Jules: Well you see that young gentleman right there, I'd love to lick his body. Lady: That's my son. Jules: Oh, he looks smart.

Jules: All your friends are like oh way to go tiger. Grayson: We don't call each other tiger. It's always champ or samurai.

Lady: Cause I really need the cash to do my face. How does this look? Jules: Like you're sky diving?

"On my first day in office I said I'd close Guantanamo Bay…is it closed yet? No."

"And remember I can do whatever I want, I have a majority in both houses of congress. I Could make it mandatory for all gays to marry and require all cars to run on marijuana but do I…no."

"I’m Kevin Federline and I got super fat."

"I'm K-Fed saying yes, I will see the dessert menu."

"I am also a great fan of Roman Polanski and his movies. I like the Pianist and the Chinatown and the Rosemary's Baby and all those films."

"I did not thick this!"

"I was around in the 70s, I also had the sex with the ladies. There was the grabbing and the groping of the hands and the gluts and all of these body parts but these were not 13 year old girls!"

"And I did not give the ladies the champagne and the Quaaludes, I did not have to. I would just flex my muscles. This was my champagne! This was my Quaaludes!"

"And to the people of California I want to say that if you are thinking of starting a fire please do not do this!"

"It's all imaginary, it's all fake."

"I switch off my brain."

"I agree with that."

"If you don't agree you can fuck off."

"I mean it just astonishes me that modern people still take that kind of thing seriously."

"Yes infantile and unsophisticated sums up a majority of people's religious beliefs in my point of view."

"Suppose I was saying the same things about the tarry party or about George Bush then nobody would say I'm catecatorian."

"I don't see any reason why religion should be immune to criticism."

"I don't think it's your privilege I think it's a very, very important scientific decision you're taking."

Chirped by @mydefpony

"Well Kanye West is from Chicago and he didn’t campaign for the city but he is going down to Rio to interrupt the victory celebration."

"I had to go to jail the very next day before going to jail I called one of Pierce Marshall’s attorney’s in Texas, his name was John Melco. And I talked to his secretary and I explained that I was being asked to murder Pierce or find somebody to murder him. And I said if anything happens I don’t want to be blamed."

"I don't understand it. His films weren't that great. I don't understand it."

"I wouldn't want the Olympics in my town!"

"I don't react well to adversity. I'm a baby."

"I can't do this I'm getting out of here."

Larry: "I went up on stage and I looked at the audience and I went…I don't think so." Joy: "Just he way they looked." Larry: Just the way they looked and I left."

Chirped by @RRRLLL

"I am the Commander-in-Chief of a country that’s responsible for ending a war and working in another theater to confront a ruthless adversary that directly threatens the American people and our allies."

"To be honest, I do not feel that I deserve to be in the company of so many of the transformative figures who’ve been honored by this prize — men and women who’ve inspired me and inspired the entire world through their courageous pursuit of peace."

"Just to pick one example, I don’t think...I think it will take some time put together all of the different moves that linked his speech at the United Nations at the phasing out of nuclear weapons, his shift on the missile defense program in eastern Europe, and the movement of Russia to join an international consens...

"I think it’s thrilling that President Barack Obama has been awarded the Nobel Peace Prize."

"Anyway in retaliation I banned him from Burbank Airport. Then he got mad, he banned me form the entire state of New Jersey so I got mad I banned him form the state of California. It's gotten pretty nasty."

"Folks as you may know I've been involved in a bit of a squabble with the Mayor of Newark, NJ Cory Booker."

Chirped by @BurkeDevlin

Chirped by @DaveMyers1

"I don't sleep motherfucker Off that yak and Durban Doin' 120 gettin' head while I'm swervin'"

Chirped

Chirped by @anapaolaalvarez

Chirped by @nofunbob

I want my private life private, I'm done trying to please I aint living for tabloids, no I'm living for me.

The rumors are true, I deleted my twitter. Can you believe I got, got 2 million Then I said adios I had to say goodbye and this little rap is to tell my fans why.

And the reasons are simple I started tweeting about pimples I stopped living for moments and started living for people

Chirped by @NNoticias

"Hey you it’s me Sarah Silverman."

"But first I have an important decision to make…do I take the money as a onetime lump sum payout or as an annuity over the next 30 years."

"It happened. Nobel Peace Prize!"

00:52 - Read by Cori Samuels in LibriVox's Romantic Poetry 001. The full collection, also read by other volunteers, is available here: http://librivox.org/romantic-poetry-001/

"And also I think it’s funny when I posted earlier that I was alive I really didn’t get that many likes. And I think there should have been way more likes out there for those of you who like me when I said that I was alive."

"Hi it’s Zach Braff here I’m alive."

"It's a testament to the decade-long struggle of Judy and Dennis, who tonight will receive a tribute named for somebody who inspired so many of us -- named for Senator Ted Kennedy, who fought tirelessly for this legislation. (Applause.) And it's a testament to the Human Rights Campaign and those who organized and ad...

"This story, this fight continue now. And I'm here with a simple message: I'm here with you in that fight. (Applause.)

"For even as we face extraordinary challenges as a nation, we cannot -- and we will not -- put aside issues of basic equality. I greatly appreciate the support I've received from many in this room. I also appreciate that many of you don't believe progress has come fast enough. I want to be honest about that, because...

"We cannot afford to cut from our ranks people with the critical skills we need to fight any more than we can afford -- for our military's integrity -- to force those willing to do so into careers encumbered and compromised by having to live a lie. So I'm working with the Pentagon, its leadership, and the members of...

"It is no secret that issues of great concern to gays and lesbians are ones that raise a great deal of emotion in this country. And it's no secret that progress has been incredibly difficult -- we can see that with the time and dedication it took to pass hate crimes legislation. But these issues also go to the heart...

"Thank you so much, all of you. It is a privilege to be here tonight to open for Lady GaGa. (Applause.) I've made it."

"You started out by insulting our city and I had to respond and I banned you from Newark Airport."

A talk at the iCommons Summit on the history of Creative Commons, given July 30, 2008, in Sapporo, Japan.

Cambridge, MA, October 8, 2009: The first in a series of lectures sponsored by the Edmond J. Safra Foundation Center for Ethics at Harvard about "Institutional Corruption." This lays out the plan for the research project that I have launched here at Harvard.

Ellie: "Why are you wearing full make up?" Jules: "I'm not ready for Josh to see my morning face. So I set two alarms, one at 4 and one at 5. I get up and do my hair and make up, I go back to bed, fake asleep until the next alarm goes off and then he thinks I wake up looking like this."

"I can't believe I am up at 5am cause this idiot dropped his binkie."

"I had a lemonade stand at the end of the dead end road which was recognized by me as not prime location."

"I would essentially but in a nicer way tell her you're fired, absolutely."

"It's okay to do what it is that you love and you should do what it is that you love because that's really the only way you can realize your success."

"I am also inspired by the masses of all the young people here today. The younger generation, my generation, we are the ones coming up in the world. And we must continue to push this movement forward and close the gap."

"I am humble to stand before all of you here today. I know that some of you have been fighting and doing advocacy work that stems all the way back to the Stonewall Riots and I salute you and you know I love Judy Garland."

People say how good my hair looked, On Dancing With The Stars, bro, I traded in my mullet for a Steven Cojocaru,

As long as my hearts beatin’, I’m gonna be tweetin’,

I’m on computers like a virus, Call me Mr. Miley Cyrus, I’m still here,

"Oh I'd be insane if I did."

"So I challenge you MSNBC. 30 days without anything mentioning me. No video of me, no guests commenting on me."

"I inferred at the time that that was really the plaintiff cry stop hitting me I can dish it out but I can't take it."

Chirped by @DigiDj

"After that she…after I filed a complaint the police came out, she kind of fled the scene but when I woke up this morning my car had been keyed and I want to file a complaint for it."

"I want to report a situation where my car has been keyed."

"I heard the single, I came a runnin'."

"I couldn’t help but press it again. I’m sorry. I just was testing it. I’m sorry."

People come to see you When you don’t wake up In the summertime People come to see you When you don’t wake up In the summertime We get so high We get so high Why you sleeping in On this lovely summer morning? Sun it is shining Oh it is shining People come and tell me It’s a lovely dress That I picked for you to w...

"I’m gonna be honest with you I only found out about it because I was on Digg. I was just hanging out on Digg and there it was topping all topics, my son Jesus Christ."

"Well it doesn’t run, it’s filled with helium and it operates off a million volts to move left and right, horizontal. And we were testing it to find out what effects it would get."

"So right straight for the…airport. I hope the FAA is listening to me. If an aircraft hits it…"

"And earlier this week, Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger of California and New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg came out in support of reform, joining two former Republican Senate Majority Leaders: Bob Dole and Dr. Bill First, himself a cardiac surgeon. Dr. Louis Sullivan, Secretary of Health and Human Services under...

"The 2010 California Marriage Protection Act will make it illegal to get divorced in the state of California."

"If it’s not broken don’t fix it."

"Vote yes, because marriage isn’t a right it’s a responsibility."

Chirped by @Chezedog

Chirped by @roanneho

Chirped by @habituario

Chirped

Chirped by @roanneho

(Shortayyyy) Aww Daddy Get your blankies ready its about to go down We about to create a media circus Daddys ****ing crazy lets go somewhere he aint never gonna find us Im in a Box! I'm in a box (I'm in a box) I'm in a box (I'm in a box) Everybody look at me cause I'm hiding in a box I'm in a box (I'm in a...

(Shortayyyy) Aww Daddy Get your blankies ready its about to go down We about to create a media circus Daddys ****ing crazy lets go somewhere he aint never gonna find us Im in a Box! I'm in a box (I'm in a box) I'm in a box (I'm in a box) Everybody look at me cause I'm hiding in a box I'm in a box (I'm in a box) I'm...

"I’m ready to play any time too Max."

"I have even more respect for the military."

"I know it’s pathetic, I’m an old horny woman give me a break."

Max: "Fortunately I never grew up would it suffice if I just gave you one?" Meredith: "Go ahead." Max: "That’s my final answer."

"It was good for me."

Larry: I mean, I didn't know that when you wheeled away from the table that... Denise: That I'm a wheely. Larry: That you're a wheely. Denise: Right.

Larry: Well assholes don't go out with the disabled okay. Now check that out, yeah, she's my date. Rosie: That girl's your date? Larry: That girl's my date. Rosie: In the chair? Larry: In the chair, and let me tell you somethin - she's not my first. Rosie: Really? Larry: Yeah, I date the disabled.

Larry: I had a hat on and then baldy showed up. Denise: I just didn't know. Larry: You feel I misrepresented myself. You thought I was a hair man.

Evenmore then I hate the feeling of sand in my feet. I hate the feeling of sand in my sneakers. And it lasts for years afterwards. If you wear your sneakers once on the beach, you never get it

Leon: Bring the fuckin ruckaus to that ass Larry. Larry: Oh oh why, I suppose you could have gotten a response. Leon: You goddamn right Larry. Larry: Bullshit. Leon: I would have had her ass tap dancing Larry, I don't fuck around. Gimme that goddamn number, I'll go over there and twist that ass up Larry. Larry: I'...

Larry: Have you noticed if she has any proclivity for chop sticks? Lady: Why? Guy: Why? Why would she have a proclivity for chopsticks Larry? Larry: Well she's Chinese. Guy: Do you think she is also a Kung Fu master?

I can't just vanish into thin air, that would be terrible. Imagine doing that with a walker okay? With a handicapped woman, just not call her like that you can't do that. I'll be a pariah.

I’m at the combination Pizza Hut and Taco Bell. I'm at the Pizza Hut. I'm at the Taco Bell.

911: "Okay how about your breathing, is it normal?" Nick Palatas: "I'm trying to keep it as normal as possible, sir, it hurts like f**k!!"

"I cut…I didn’t cut…I cut it length wise it cut all the way down to the bone."

"Put head in hand I smash it now."

Chirped by @kvetska

King Leonidas: "You can almost say Stepinos is like a son to you." Spartan: "Oh please don't put it like that." King Leonidas: "Ever night you two would walk in the woods together for hours. Now imagine how awkward one of those walks would be if one of you turned out to be gay." Spartan: "Yeah that would be awkward ...

"Insurance companies have gotten lazy."

I'm done with her. I'm done with thinkin dumpin her will punish her. The pussy pushed me to the point I almost want to pummel her. The little hussy hussle went and ran of with some hussler that's why I seem disgusted everytime I start discussin her.

I can be your dog, but Ryu ain't no cockapoo. So if you're tryin to walk, Ima treat you like a prostitute.

"I noticed that all I really seemed to be trying to say was I'm pretty tired, I've been on tour for a while, I hope this song is good. I felt like I was writing songs, about writing songs about writing…it was too Charlie Kauffman style, totally."

"We realized it's not magic it’s just hard work."

"You know there's certainly times when I'm like in my pajamas with my laptop three days running all day and I'm like is this how it's gonna be? Because I can't do this."

Hello, it's Bill. I hope you're well. And how's your product? You know, we're its biggest fans. You must admit That it's a hit Which here at Microsoft, fits neatly with our plans. I just called to say I bought you I just called to say you're unemployed I just called to say I bought you And to tell you that we're tr...

I've been a geek forever, And I wrote the very first DOS. I put my software and IBM together-- I got profit, and they got the loss! I write the code that makes the whole world run; I'm gettin' royalties from everyone. Sometimes it's garbage, but the press is snowed; You buy the box, I sell the code. Every software...

"I struggle because I really don't want to be married again. Can you blame me?"

Speaka beeta tweeta eata, drunk fuckerupper. I eat beets up for suppa, I eat beets up for suppa. Sucka punch mothafucka this ain't rap it's some otha, this ain't rap, it's some otha.

Stop tryin to avoid it, boys and girls come get your poison it's hotter and cheaper than a toy is. You should see my clientele, I ain't sayin names but I could build a train track - everybody's buyin rails.

When you was in the room sleepin peacefully I was in my room while my parents sniffed blow. See they were teenagers, misbehaviours who left little straws, mirrors and razors.

Ladies and gentlemen, introducing the Get Busy Committee.

Chirped by @CourtJanePhil