"And I'll show you what will fit in that hole, it's in my pocket here."
"Mork calling Orson. Come in, Orson. Mork calling Orson. Come in, Orson."
"Streaks on the china, never mattered before, who cares. When you dropped kicked your jacket As you came through the door, No one glared. But sometimes things get turned around and no one's spared. All hands look out below, there's a change in the status quo. Gonna need all the help that we can get. According to our...
"You can count on me. No matter what you do. You can count on me. No matter where you go. I’m standing by your side. I’ll be right behind. No one loves you more than I do, Put your hand in mine. I can see a part of me in you. A little something special That comes shining through. I hear it in your laughter, An...
Mike: "Why are you obsessed with these soft mouric little teen films." Tony: "Because they're funny, they make me laugh."
"We're taking a break, there's more PTI to come."
"But your reasons were flimsier, mine are better."
"Mentor Dion Sanders, yes mentor prime time."
"The maker of the Jerry Curl Must be the Money video wants what Tony?!"
"I make clothes and accessories like women make babies. I'm just meant to do it."
"One more shot to do this, it means everything to me. Everything."
"It's about a girl who's looking for her lost love who travels around LA posting up flyers and pictures of him, sending messages in a bottle."
"My name is Malan Breton, I was born in Taiwan."
Kunta Kinte: "Kunta... Kunta Kinte." Fiddler: "Naw, that's your African name. Massah give you a new name. Massah say you name... Toby."
"Uh, gracious good afternoon. This is Miss Tomlin of the telephone company. Do I have the party to whom I am speaking?"
Bill: "I'm wearing makeup for men. It's man's makeup for men only. If it wasn't men's make up why would they say it on the box." Announcer: "Maybelline for men, it's written on the box."
"Maybelline for men, it's written on the box."
Announcer: "Maybe it's Maybelline!" Bill: "I'm a Maybelline man."
"But we are gonna have more time to hang. We can go up to Lake Havasu next week. Bumper boats anybody?"
"Master at work."
"I also like to calm my nerves by practicing the ancient art of meditation."
"Before announcing her retirement on Thursday, Martina Hingis revealed that she had been accused of testing positive for cocaine at Wimbledon but denied having ever used it. Though after she left, officials did notice the base line was missing."
Amy: "Okay well how much does the average studio head make per year." Roger: "Barely $20 million. More if you get fired."
"You know back in the day Studio Heads were giving a house full of money. And when that money was gone you got a new money house until the day you died."
"Alex Rodriguez announced Sunday that he would opt out of his contract with the Yankees to become a free agent. Making him a perfect fit for teams who have money to burn but hate winning."
"You don't know how luck you are. Why when I was growing up, the only costumes we had was milkman and slave!"
Larry: "J.K. in the gay community I know that fat, hairy guys call themselves bears. What do you think Dumbledore would call himself." J.K. Rowling: "Um, once again Larry, Dumbledore is not a real person." Larry: "See I'd go with polar bear, oh wait no, magic polar bear."
Fred: "She was in Cirque Du Soleil. What she could do with her body…god I wish my wife wasn't pregnant." Announcer: "Iphone makes life easy."
"And this part is true. You hired the lawyer who defended Michael Vick to clear your name. True story. Really? You know who I might have hired? The lawyer who prosecuted Michael Vick. That guy is a good lawyer. I mean really."
"The boy scouts of America said that a painted plastic badge, which was made in China, is being recalled after tests revealed high levels of lead paint in it. Even worse, it was the merit badge given for eating merit badges."
"Hillary Clinton's campaign announced Monday that it raised over 27 million dollars in the last quarter. Much of legally."
"This is ideas for new Magic the Gathering cards."
"MacGruber! Making life saving inventions out of household material. MacGruber! He's getting kinda old now and that makes him uncomfortable. MacGruber! He might go get some work done!"
"MacGruber! Got some microdermabrasion and a tasteful brow lift. MacGruber! Some collagen injections and a butt load of hair plugs. MacGruber! He's never felt better about himself, MacGruber!"
"MacGruber! His surgeon cut him off so he flew to South America. MacGruber! Turns out the medical standards are a lot more lax down there. MacGruber! He regrets it with every fiber of his being. MacGruber!"
"Ladies and Gentleman of America. In a year you will be asked to make a decision based on the evidence presented to you!"
Richie: "Hey, hey, hey, hey, I got a question? Jon: "Yes." Richie: "Don't we have a new album." Jon: "Yes, yes. Any other questions." Richie: "Hey, hey, hey, hey…" Jon: "Any other questions." Richie: "Hey." Jon: "Did I ever consider your feelings." Richie: "On! Did you ever consider my feelings."
Dona: "You're mother's a whore." Frank and Carlo: "Oh!"
"This is my college diploma. It might seem strange that it's in latin. But then the college was Harvard. Okay."
"But against the Indians they're going to need more than blankets with small pox. They're going to need baseball hits."
Rosa: "Police in Washington State arrested a man at a car dealership for taking a van for a drive while naked and masturbating. Or what Seth calls taking a drive." Amy: "Very good, very good Rosa. That was good." Seth: "I don't get that joke." Rosa: "Because when you drive, you masturbate." Seth: "I do do that. That...
Jon: "I mean my name isn't even Bon Jovi, my name is Jon." Band Member 2: "Jon Bon Jovi!"
"In my dreams, my fingers are made of butter."
"Two humans with mouths making noises that are words."
"I can't find my purse."
"Mips, mips, unacceptable."
"My name is Matt Foley and I am a motivational speaker."
"Oh Oh.. Mighty Kong has woken from his slumber. It looks like it's time for a POP quiz. But apparently I'm grading on a curve."
"I’m just gonna jump into one without thinking. No thinking! I’m just gonna let it flow and let it flow now. Fast car! On the highway! On the byway! Mr. Robotron! Ok, that’s not a good one, I gotta move on. I gotta move on, do you mind if I sit down?"
"And finally, my sweet, teeny, tiny, itsy bitsy, miniature friend Dennis Kucinich. Some how I think I'll miss you most of all."
Hilary: "Now in 2016 when I will have competed my second term as president and will thus be ineligible to run again. Unless of course the law is changed and it really is a strange law." Bill: "I totally agree. That law makes absolutely now sense in the 21st century." Hilary: "Bill." Bill: "What?! I'm agreeing."
"In any case, should I be unable to run again in 2016 and should 1 or all of you, my former fellow candidates, then decide to make a second, this time more realistic bid for the White House, well I think that would be just super. Who knows, 2016 could finally be your year to shine. Because I believe that any one of ...
"My mother-in-law is a piece of work too so. She's like 10 pieces of work, 20, 35, she's like 2,000 piece of works. A little more work than yours."
LeBron: "Well, I invented potatoes all by myself. You know what else I did? I won the title of Mr. Crazy Pants in the World fair back in 1912. Oh, and you wanna know what else I can do? I can grow a one foot long beard over night just by dreamin' about it. What'cha think about that?" Penelope: "I just want to say th...
"Hi I'm Beverly, I'm 5 foot 6 and weigh 108 pounds. In my spare time I like to make vests."
"They haven't eaten. Make the burritos more phallic."
Arianna & Craig: "Say what?" Craig: "Hey Spartans." Arianna & Craig: "Say what? We are the mighty Spartans and we're here to take you out." Arianna: "Cause we are a bad mother…" Craig: "Shut your mouth."
"Where did my little friend go? (sighs) (crash)"
"Oh hello, this Alistair Cookie for Monsterpiece Theatre. Today we bring you wonderful story. Monster of Venice."
"Good evening and welcome to Monsterpiece Theatre."
"This is your monster on the spot, returning you to your regularly scheduled program."
"ABC-DEF-GHI-JKL-MNOP-QRSTUV-WXYZ. It's the most remarkable word I've ever seen. ABC-DEF-GHI-JKL-MNOP-QRSTUV-WXYZ. I wish I knew exactly what I mean."
"I don't know why they call it morning sickness when it's all fucking day long."
"Women are known to be more verbal than men, but are there times when the ladies should just shut the fuck up?"
"I want to put you with some other players. Find a partner for you who can really help you max your score."
"Shit head! Asshole! Mexican stinky balls!"
"Don't you see how awesome this is. It's like a magic cloak that makes me impervious to getting in trouble."
"I went online posing as a boy who will have sex with older men and told them to meet me here. My plan worked perfectly."
Gerald: "This crap was a monster." Randy: "Mine was bigger."
"There, there my little crap. Don't cry."
Ms. Garrison: "What a great place! All the girls here seem to know each other." Allison: "Yeah, well, most of the girls here have done each other." Ms. Garrison: "Yeah, done what?" Allison: "You know, had sex."
"It's okay, it's time I met this rich Persian asshole face to face."
"My own wife, who I had been living with for twenty years was actually homeless, so I had to burn her, in her bed while she slept."
Secretary of Defense: "The Sixth Sense, Signs, The Village, all very clever films. But can you use your amazing idea brain now to help us stop the terrorists." M. Night Shyamalan: "What if…what if it turns out they aren't terrorists but they're actually werewolves from the future." Secretary of Defense: "No, no, the...
"Yeah well when a man has been wronged, he no long cares about danger."
"Make no mistake Kyle, before this is over, you WILL suck my balls."
Jean-Robert: "Put your top back on Amanda." Amanda: "My mom is going to kill me."
Vivian: "Honey, we'll pay first and last month's rent." Hilary: "What about the months inbetween?"
"Baby I'm tellin you. You got more moves than a bowl of jello. And there's always room for jello."
"My pops thinks I'm gay. Waddya say we prove him wrong?"
"Mahna Mahna. Do doo be-do-do"
"Okay, moving right along."
"Make this a good intro chief. This scene needs all the help it can get."
Mee mee mee mee, mee mee mee, mee mee."
"How can I hate women? My mum's one."
"Ee hee. Sh more. Ah."
"What's black and slides down Nelson's column?' Don't know. Winnie Mandela? I don't... oh, oh yeah, that's good. No, it's not, no it's not racist. No, yeah, I thought... the column 'cos he... and she is black... and she probably actually is married, so it's not even libel... yeah, seven, see you."
"We nearly lost it two years ago unjustly because Gareth was quiz master then. The question was: What type of alien is Mr. Spock. And everyone put Vulcan. Which is incorrect. Mr. Spock is half Vulcan, half human. Ok."
"You're upset? About Lee is it? Right because you know Monkey Alan in the warehouse fancies you even if no one else does."
"Money don't make my world go round. I'm reaching out to a higher ground."
"My Shaolin temple style, defeats your monkey style."
"Okay question. When a name is withdrawn does that also apply to the permanent misbehavior file in New York?"
"I'm sorry I mis-interpreted our friendship."
"I have been Michael's number two guy for about 5 years. And we make a great team. We're like one of those classic famous teams. He's like Mozart and I'm like, Mozart's friend."
"Oh most honorable Pamera. Not offensive because that's the way they talk in movies."
"Sometimes we play who can put the most M&M's in their mouth."
Dwight: "Question. May I investigate?" Michael: "Yeah, drop what you're doing. Make this a priority."
"Wowee, Mikey likey. Why don't you wear your hair like that all the time. It's much sexier."
"Should I have reported Oscar's malfeasance? Hm, probably but now I know something that he doesn't want me to know. So I can use his malfeasance to establish leverage. Otherwise it's just malfeasance for malfeasances' sake."
"People are always coming to me. Michael I have a secret, you're the only on I trust. No thanks because keeping a secret can only lead to trouble."
"Ryan invited some of the Branch Managers and Toby into the woods for a get to know you weekend. Michael wasn't invited. Apparently they already knew everything they needed to know about him."
"Here we go into the wild to the mighty forest. Can you smell the trees and the nature. Keep going, you're fine. It's just some bushes and some thickets."
Jim: "Oh, well I'm gonna talk to Angela and we're gonna see what we can do about a pie." Creed: "I don't care who you talk to, just make it happen." Jim: "It'll be Angela." Creed: "Well tell her it's for Creed, she'll know what that means."
"Man became civilized for a reason. He decided that he liked to have warmth and clothing and television and hamburgers and to walk upright and to have a soft futon at the end of the day. He didn't want to have to struggle to survive."
"Bravo, my young ward."
"My Lord my League"
"Satan is a master of lies. Everything he says is the opposite."
"Myth: Three Americans die every year from rabies. Fact: Four Americans die every year die from rabies."
"Oh god, my nipples! It's starting!"
"This is really good. My heart soars with the eagle's nest."
"I'm not saying I had a meteoric rise. But I did. And if they knew how much I was paying for my haircut now, they wouldn't be giving me a noogie. It was $200."
"A lot of people think that magic camp is just for kids. And that’s why so many other people in my class were kids…self-fulfilling prophecy. It’s, um, really for anybody with a dream and a belief in magic, and a little extra time after school."
"Merry Christmas! Ho, ho, ho… pimp. I'm kidding."
"Reverse psychology is an awesome tool. I don't know if you guys know about it. But, basically you make somebody believe the opposite of what you believe, and that tricks them into doing something stupid. Works like a charm."
Michael: "Hi Oscar, It's Michael. "Dwight: "And Dwight." Oscar: "I think I came down with the flu." Michael: "Oh that is a shame. You know it is cleaning day here today? We could have used some of that famous hispanic cleaning ethic." Oscar: "Yeah I feel terrible about it." Dwight: "Ask him about his symptons, I am ...
"Ryan, my man!"
"This is Nick Figaro, manager to the stars."
"When I'm at home at night in my own house in my sweats, drinking some red wine, watching my mystery stories, the last thing in the whole god forsaken world I wanna hear is the voice of Michael Scott."
"What's the dollar worth in your land. Medical school must have cost like 50 bucks."
Pam: "What's up?" Andy: "Me, all night, dreaming about Angela's smoking hot body." Pam: "You're being gross." Andy: "Not from a male perspective."
Andy: "I know she told you that she's looking and she's totally not responding to my moves." Pam: "What moves?" Andy: "I've moonwalked past accounting like 10 times." Pam: "I can't believe that's not working." Andy: "Yeah."
Kelly: "What do you mean you have plans tonight?" Darryl: "I have my daughter tonight. We're renting Charlotte's Web." Pam: "Well you have to make a choice. It's either your daughter or me." Darryl: "My daughter."
Oscar: "Michael, are you having money problems?" Michael: "Monkey problem? No, I'm not having monkey problems. Why would I have monkey problems?" Oscar: "I know you heard me correctly." Michael: "I hate monkeys."
Oscar: "Okay $125, Amazon?" Michael: "Oh, Best of the Muppet Show on DVD, classic."
"It strengthens your entire core. Your back core, your arm core, your…the Marine Core actually uses it. I think that's how they got core."
O'Reilly: "Orlando, Florida -- Mike, go." Caller: Hey, Bill, I appreciate you taking my call." O'Reilly: "Sure." Caller: I like to listen to you during the day. I think Keith Olbermann's show --" O'Reilly: "There you go. Mike is -- he's a gone guy. You know, we have this -- we have your phone numbers, by the way. So...
Tony: "Sunday. My house. Box of malomars on the counter. Fucking empty. You think I don't know it was you? I'm kidding you, you fuck. Listen him coming over is good. You're getting a bump." Paulie: "Fucking malomars. I thought you lost your mind."
Paulie: "Having good luck with Twix basic mositurizing formula." Silvio: "Yeah, I'll try it."
"As a military wife I am proud my husband serves this country. But there's a big disconnection between military wife and mother."
"Now stick right on my tail and make me happy."
"You all might want to hold still. We are in the middle of a mine field."
"Hey, man up! This guys sees me and nails my ass he'll barrel right through you to your family. That will be on your head."
Operator: What’s the emergency? Spanish Operator: … Man: … Spanish Operator: I cannot get inside to the club. Operator: Why does he need to get in the club? Spanish Operator: … Man: … Spanish Operator: Because I want to dance. Operator: Okay, they have the right to refuse service. They don’t have to let him in if t...
Alright Cubs fans, let me hear it. A 1, a 2, a 3. Take me out to the ball game, Take me out with the crowd; Buy me some peanuts and Cracker Jack, I don't care if I never get back. Let me root, root, root for the home team, If they don't win, it's a shame. For it's one, two, three strikes, you're out, At the old ball...
Bloomberg: It ain't over… Tony: Till it's over.
"We're lost but we're making great time."
My office is announcing today that we are indicting Mr. Yogi Berra for murder of the English language.
"It ain't over, till it's over."
Michael: Ah! VC guard: MAU! MAU! DIDI MAU! Nick: No more. VC guard: MAU! MAU! DIDI MAU! Michael: Get Willis out of here. You got an empty chamber in that guy, an empty chamber in that gun. VC guard: MAU! MAU! DIDI MAU! Michael: God damn it! It’ going to be alright Nicky. Go ahead and shoot! Shoot Nicky! You mother ...
Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries. Is there someone else up there we can talk to? No, and go away or I shall taunt you a second time.
Gordon: And the name of the dish is what? Danny: Mahi gone bananas chef. Gordon: The idea came from where? Danny: I just pulled it out of my ass sir. Gordon: Put it back in there cause it sucks.
"Some people counted sheep. My father counted cheap!"
"He might not have a daddy, but he's got a leather jacket."
Tanya: "So does this mean we don't have to be quiet everyday when we come home from school?" Julius: "You can make all the noise you want, until 6 o'clock."
Julius: "You can't just quit somethin cause you don't like it Chris." Chris: "But mom quits her job all the time."
"The ninja understands that invisibility is a matter of patience and agility."
"Always mind your surroundings."
"To conquer fear, you must become fear. You must bask in the fear of other men. And men fear most what they cannot see."
"Focus. Concentrate. Master your senses."
"This is where we make the medicine. Perhaps you should have some, clear your head."
Dr. Evil: "Mini Me aime le chocolat, bien eh oui. Scotty ne pas." Scott: "Ahhhh." Dr. Evil: "Ahhhh."
"Mole mole mole mole mole!"
"My name is Optimus Prime."
"Our planet was once a powerful empire, peaceful and just. Until we were betrayed by Megatron, leader of the Decepticons. All that defied them were destroyed. Our war finally consumed the planet and the Allspark was lost in the stars. Megatron followed it to earth where Captain Whitwicky found him."
"Were you . . . Masturbating?"
Optimus Prime: "Megatron!" Megatron: "Prime!"
“You want to see the most beautiful thing I’ve ever felt?”
"A mad man. You're a mad man."
"It is not the lash they fear. It is my divine power."
I have lived my entire life without regret until now. To know that my son gave up his life for his country. It's just that I never told him I loved him the most."
"Words escape even the most cunning tongues, my little whore queen."
"May you live forever."
"My Queen! My Wife! My Love."
"Oh, this would be the ultimate. What if, after the heist, the van pulls up, and the monkey was driving the van?! 'Get in! We gotta go! WE GOT TO GO!'"
"Hi Scott I'm David Cross. And he did that thing where he goes, thanks for the words. Well, he knows. The mystery is answered."
"So I put it on, and I'm like yay, this will be a good time. So, I go off to school. And then at the last milisecond, the male chromosome just somehow kicked into my brain. Just wear a shirt over it. Just a little button down. Just something. In case, worst case scenario, it's not that cool. Just some sort of cove...
"Then I saw R.E.M. They're the best. That guy is so serious and heavy. This next song is about the over commericalization of rock and roll and about how corporations … Hey just sing the God damn song buddy. I'm already depressed. I want you to make me shiny and happy. Perk up, for $52.50 no less."
"This whole stadium is full because of me. And every one of my wildest dreams has come true and I'm a bazillionaire. And I've never been more livid. Everything's horrible. I'm like let me tell you something, friend. If your life sucks, then I'm fucked. Alright? Now sing Radio Free Europe and beat it. And make it sou...
"I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar in a store, sometimes I will drop it so it will reach its maximum flavor potential."
"My friend said to me, 'You know what I like? Mashed potatoes.' I was like, 'Dude, you have to give me time to guess'."
"And then he put me under the sedation, I wake up my pants unbuttoned. He did it in my teeth gums, dripping blood. I cannot even blow bubbles when I chew gum when I drive cab."
Doug: Mike Tyson? Mike Tyson: Shh, this is my favorite part coming up right now.
We are gonna make some smores using white chocolate.
"You are a meat head!"
"You're a big, fat, bumbling, oblivious, pepe-wearing, mega idiot!"
"That's messed up!"
"You are some messed-up white people."