John: "See you in the next life Jane." Jane: "Likewise, John."

There's nowhere I'd rather be, than right here, with you.

Edward: "You gotta be joking." Vivian: "I never joke about money." Edward: "Neither do I."

"Well, now that you have me here, what are you going to do with me?"

"Baby, I'm going to treat you so nice you'll never want to let me go."

"No shit Shirlock."

Edward: "Never ever pick up the phone." Vivian: "Then why are you calling me?"

"Stores are never nice to people. They're nice to credit cards."

"His nuts are on the block, we got him!"

Ricky Bobby: "Nobody plays jazz at the Pit Stop!", Jean Girard: "Then why is the song on the jukebox?", Bartender: "We use it for profiling purposes. We also have the Pet Shop Boys and Seal."

Had Ned's heart stopped beating before we pulled him out of the water? Yes.

Steve: "What am I supposed to do here?" Oseary: "Well I must say, nothing is jumping to mind. Phillip, any suggestions"

Ned: "I'm going to fight you Steve." (Punch) Steve: "You never say I'm gonna fight you Steve. You just smile and act natural, and then you sucker punch me."

Dear Captain Zissou: I am 12 years old and live in Charbone, Kentucky. A creek runs behind our house, where I live with my mother. She met you once, some years ago, and I collect and catalogue amphibians, reptiles, and insects. I don't know what this one's called, so I named it myself. You are probably my one of, if...

Evan: "But she's totally hammered and if I get with her and I'm not drunk isn't that like, unethical." Girl: "Oh, not if you're drunk too."

"Nancy O'Dell here for RADD: recording Artists, Actors and Athletes against drunk driving. You know style is a personal thing and your lifestyle is your business. But if you take it on the road it becomes everybody's business. So please plan ahead call a cab or designate a driver before the party starts. Friends don...

"Hi this is Eric Darnel, this is David Regan, Jean McMurry, Carl Edwards here for RADD, the entertainment industry's voice for road safety. If you want to make a difference it's simple, be responsible. Plan ahead, designate before you celebrate. Friends don't let friends drive drunk. A public service message brought...

"Hi I'm Nelson Hoyos for RADD; recording Artists, Actors and Athletes against drunk driving. As a pro racer my life is all about extreme. All out all the time but drinking and driving that's one deadly combination. In the next few minutes a drunk driver somewhere is going to cause a wreck and maybe even kill someone...

Operator: 911 emergencies. Man: Yes, could I have the officer in charge please. Operator: Okay, there aren’t any deputies in here. What we’d have to do is take a name or a message or number and have one of the sergeants come. They’re on the road. This is a communications building. Man: Okay, I’m the guy who robs ...

Operator: 911 emergency. Woman: Yes we have an emergency situation at Monterey Drive. Operator: What’s the problem there? Woman: Orange cones set out front. Operator: I’m sorry what? Woman: Orange cones set out front emergency drinking. Operator: What exactly does that mean ma’am? What’s your emergency? Woma...

Operator: 911. Man: Yeah, you have got people working in the school right now and have been working all night long violating the noise code over here. Operator: Sir reporting a noise complaint that’s not an emergency call. You’re going to have to call the business line. Man: Really? Operator: Yes really, this is...

12:43 p.m.: On the hill "Priority 3, Tremblant resort … (inaudible) … female, 42 years old, 17 Bravo 1 … 12:43, assigned 12:44." Code 17 means a fall. Bravo 1, or B-1, means possibly dangerous. Priority 3 is the second most urgent emergency call from the public. It requires medics to get to the scene immediately a...

"That's not the only trick Kenny Powers has up his sleeve this eve."

"I'm so excited. I know this isn't like the Oscars."

"It's an off shoot of the winter sport of luge racing which is done on a toboggan down an ice track. It's a lot purer form, no ice, no toboggan. When done in slime, it's called the human sluge."

Photog: "Is that your natural hair color?" Carrot Top: "Oh yeah, I wouldn't do this to myself."

Photog: "Do you think you'd ever go back on tour with him?" Bobby Brown: "No not with Vanilla Ice."

Photog: "You've been compared to J Lo and Beyonce, how does that make you feel." Fantasia: "It makes me feel real, real good." Photog: "That's pretty high company right there." Fantasia: "Those are nice butts right there."

"Now I'm really angry. This is fargon war."

Man on street: "Is that the city edition." Vendor: "what?" Man on street: "I said. Is that the city edition." Vendor: "Oh no. Son-of-a-bitch, Now I'm deaf."

Joe: "Is there any ceremony or anything?" Waponis Chief: "No, you just jump in."

Doug #2: "Damn knee. It's an old football injury. Rose Bowl." Noreen: "Oh, you played?" Doug #2: "No, I fell out of the bleachers."

Doug #2: "Oh, boy, let's get some desert, huh?" Noreen: "You're still hungry?" Doug #2: "Noreen, my life's a shambles. I need pie."

Theresa: "You're a brave man." Jack: "No no, not brave, scared shitless."

Doug: "This is the number one rule. Okay? This is unbreakable. You can't even try to even bend this rule. Alright? Nobody, Nobody has sex with my wife but me." Doug #2: "Hey, talk to him." Doug #3: "Fabulous rule, Doug. Fabulous rule." Doug: "Nobody. No clone nooky." Doug #3: "You're the man, Doug." Doug #2: "Great ...

Doug: "Rule number two. First of all, we all remember rule number one." Doug #2 and #3: "No sleeping with your wife." Doug #3: "It's in here. I got it." Doug: "Alright, that's important. Rule number two. No more Dougs. That's it." Doug #2: "Alright." Doug #3: "This is plenty." Doug: "I'm gonna call Leeds first thing...

"Now would you look at these crazy sons-a-bitches."

Terrance: "Freeze motherfucker. You move your ass so much as an inch, I'll blow it off. You hear me motherfucker? You hear me? What?" Nick: "You have to be so mean?" Terrance: "A Nick, now ain't the fuckin' time alright. You say scary fuck it scares them." Nick: "Yeah, but you have a gun. Plus what you're doing is ...

Pig Pen: "So are you like a crippled guy?" Barry: "No, I'm just a really lazy guy."

"Needed burnin'."

Pig Pen: "I've never been a man of... of words but there's something that I have to say to you. Inga, I've loved you from the first time that I saw you and I love you more than any man's loved a woman um, that he's never actually spoken to. I'm only gonna offer this once. Inga, will you, um... have sex with me?" Ing...

"Hi Stu! Now, you've had your little tantrum, and you said some things in anger that I am willing to forget."

Inga: "I never met an American boy before. Are you all so wild?" Luke: "Yeah. We have a saying around here." Inga: "Oh, yeah?" Luke: "Yeah. No brains, no headache." Inga: "We have a saying in Switzerland, too." Luke: "Yeah." Inga: "No swimsuit, no tan lines." Luke: "Uh, we have another saying around here." Inga: "Uh...

Rick: "Anna's getting married... to some rich asswipe doctor dude named Barry. He's coming in day after tomorrow." Luke: "Ouch!" Rick: "Thanks, man." Luke: "No, I got molested by a hot tub last night. It's a long story." Rick: "Oh."

Gilbert 'Gilly' Noble: "Bring her a puppy, Larry. She'll love that." Larry Falwell: "What the hell is this?" Animal Shelter Guy: "It's a Russian Pomeranian, Larry." Larry: "Nah, I don't want him putting any American dogs out of work."

Gilly: "Now, don't bad mouth Suzanne. She got me though my awkward teenage years." Jo: "Do you mean you beat off to her?" Gilly: "Not to brag, but up to five times a day."

Dig: "You look like you're draggin' there, chief. Why don't you let me drive?" Gilly: "Oh, no. That's fine." Dig: "I'm wired. Nothin' like gettin' bounced off a bumper to put a cat on full tilt."

Mexican Man: "A hora encuentre tu hermana, déle una para mi, okay." Gilly: "Uh, no! No es mi hermana. No es me hermano, telahoro."

"He's what we call a multimillionaire. And in my experience women like dead presidents more than broke boyfriends. No romance without finance, daddy."

Gilly: "I found Leon, and I got him dead to rights." Jo: "That's great, Gilly. Now why don't you just pull your arm out of Leon's butt and we'll take a drive to the hospital."

"Nevermind what you would normally do, just cough in your godamned buck like everybody else."

Eddie: "Come on, throw in a buck." Mr. Pink: "Uh uh, I don't tip." Eddie: "You don't tip?" Mr Pink: "Nah, I don't believe in it."

Jennifer Jolie: "My lawyer liked that." Gale: "Not as much as I did."

"Need input. Input."

Number 5: "Table Cloth." Stephanie: "No, no not my dishes. Oh thank God." Number 5: "Breakfast table American contemporary." Stephanie: "No no, oh oh my china." Number 5: "Numerous fragments. Some large. Some small."

"Not malfunction Stephanie. Number 5 is alive."

Number 5: "Squash... dead... disassemble... dead Disassemble!!! Dead!!!" Stephanie: "Hey, slow down." Number 5: "No disassemble!"

Number 5: "Number 5 furious, livid, perturbed." Driver: "Hold it right there. Oh ow ah." Number 5: "Colt 45, semi-automatic. Playdough!" Driver: "What do we do now?" Ben: "I don't know about you but I am planning to scream and run."

"Need to have a shit!"

"Now we are fucked."

"Now, without decompression your body would literally burst."

Hutch: "Floater. Nothing harder to solve than a floater. No prints, body's usually bloated, it's next to impossible. All right, I say we push it out and hope the current takes it to the next precinct." Starsky: "Whoa, what are you doing?" Hutch: "Trust me, you're gonna thank me for this one." Starsky: "Hey, serio...

Hutch: "I guess it's suppoed to rain later tonight." Starsky: "Yeah, that's what I heard." Hutch: "Look, you know what happened back..." Starsky: "Can we please not talk about this, Hutch? We got the coke. Now, let's not ever talk about it." Hutch: "You're right. That's a good policy. We got what we came for. Yo...

"11 days ago, Charles C. Murdock bought himself a brand new Dodge minivan. Now, that was a big surprise to Mr. Murdock, whose passport and wallet were stolen 16 days ago at the Helsinki airport."

Cop: "Get the word? We're on the lookout for a dark brown minivan and anything else that's out of its place." The Jackal (dressed as cop): "The only minivan we found was this red one here. We checked out about 15 minutes ago. It's got a local parking permit, DC tags. We can check it out again if you want." Cop: "Nah...

Navin: "It's like I don't fit in. It's like I don't belong here." Mother: "It's your birthday, and it's time you knew. Navin, you're not our natural born child." Navin: "I'm not?" Mother: "You were left on our doorstep. But we raised you like you were one of us." Navin: "You mean I'm going to stay this color? (Navin...

"You know, there was a time, we'd take a guy like you out back and beat you with a hose. Now you got your Goddamn unions."

Farva: "You're all under arrest for stealing a Spurbury police vehicle." Mac: "No, Farva, you are under arrest for being a total and complete shithead!"

Policeman 1: "Can I see your driving license sir?" Wallace: "No you may NOT!"

Waiter: "Can I get you some tea old chap?" James: "Please." Waiter: "One lump or two?" James: "No lumps."

Drebin: "It's the same old story. Boy finds girl, boy loses girl, girl finds boy, boy forgets girl, boy remembers girl, girls dies in a tragic blimp accident over the Orange Bowl on New Year's Day." Jane: "Goodyear?" Drebin: "No...the worst.."

"No women, no kids."

"No women, no kids. That's the rules."

Steve: "So, you working on the computer there?" Billy: "No, I'm walking my dog."

"Navin, you have taken in $15 and given away 50 cents worth of crap."

Marie: "Have you seen a five years old boy, blond hair and he's wearing a t-shirt that says "Bullbshit" on it?" Navin: "No, there was this one kid earlier who was wearing a t-shirt that says "Life Sucks" on it."

Steve: "Hello, waitress." Winston: "No, that's Lynn's boyfriend's cousin." Brandi: "No, no. I'm not his cousin. I'm not your cousin." David Patrick: "No, not cousin. She's just a buddy." Brandi: "Buddy?" Glen: "He was licking his buddy's ears."

"Now, that's high quality H2O."

"None of this is real, you pull the plug, I dissappear, and nothing I ever say, nothing I ever do will ever matter."

Nigel: "Ah, this is special, too. Look, see, still got the, uh, the old tagger on it. See, never even played it. See?" Marty: "You just bought it and... (He points at it)" Nigel: "Don't touch it. Don't touch it." Marty: "I wasn't gonna-- I wasn't gonna touch it." Nigel: "No, don't touch it." Marty: "I was just ...

"No problemo."

"It's clean. It's cold. Now, that's what I call high quality H2O."

"Not exactly what I'd call constructive criticism."

ER: "Does he have a chance?" : "No, we lost him."

Obutu: "The Kilrathi ships are closing." Admiral Wilson: "So what now?" Paladin: "Now we make them sorry they were ever born."

"Yeah baby, you made it. Not bad for the second best pilot in the academy."

"Notorious B.I.G. said it best: Either your slinging crack rock, or you got a wicked jump shot.' Nobody wants to work for it anymore. There's no honor in taking the after school job at Mickey D's. Honor's in the dollar, kid. So I went the white boy way of slinging crack rock. I became a stock broker."

"Oh, shit. Wait, is that your new ride?"

Ray Ferrier: "This thing, this machine, it crawled out of the ground, started torching everything. It was killing everybody." Robbie Ferrier: "What is is? Is it terrorists?" Ray: "This, this came from someplace else." Robbie: "What do you mean, like, Europe?" Ray: "No, Robbie, not like Europe!"

Rachel Ferrier: "Is the lightning back?" Ray: "No, this is something else."

"I was thinking that we should go to the city tonight 'cause, you know, we're always drinking at those shitty local bars. I think we should go to a decent bar with some decent poo-poo, you know. If I have too look at one more housewife smoking a Newport, I think I'm gonna fuckin' puke."

"Stop laughing. It's not funny. If you can't learn how to close, you better start thinking about another career. And I am deadly serious about that. Dead fuckin' serious!"

"You eat terrible, ya got no manners..."

"You're just not couth!"

Bowfinger: "We're working in a new style. We're working in, in, uh, Cinema Newvo." Carol: "Cinema Newvo. Aaahhh."

Joel: "I--I had a really nice time last night." Clementine: "Nice?" Joel: "I Had a-- the best fucking night of my entire fucking life last night." Clementine: "That's better."

Clementine: "I'm not a concept, Joel. I'm just a fuck-up girl who' looking for my own peace of mind. I'm not perfect." Joel: "I can't see anything that I don't like about you." Clementine: "But you will." Joel: "Right now I can't." Clementine: "But you will. You know, you will think of things, and I'll g...

"Nothing can hurt us now..."

"Remember...there are no bad crews...only bad leaders."

Dave: "You know, if they get you on a bad beat-- If they get you on-- and you got to go out there and get a new job--" George: "With no-- with no--" Dave: "With no confidence--" George: "Yes." Dave: "I'll tell you what the hard part is-- is to stop thinking like the goddamn slave. You say the Nazis in Eu...

"I never liked you anyway."

Davey: "Now say what I told you to say." Benjamin: "Eat that nut-strap biaaaatch!"

Scarlett: "You sir, are no gentleman!" Rhett:: "And you miss are no lady... (Scarlett gasps) Don't think that I hold that against you, ladies have never held any charm for me."

Garlick: "I'm Private First Class Edward Motesque Garlick at your service, sir." Cronauer: "First thing, Garlick, is you gotta requisition a new name." Garlick: "(Giggles) I like you already, sir."

"Is it true that you've actually, um... you're actually too close to some of the nerve agents that they were testing? "Nerve... uh, gas?" Yes, have you used any? "Well, once, yes, on myself. And it had no-- Whoa! Whoa! --no effect on me. I've had no actual-- Whoa! Shee-hoo! Whoa! Whoa! Big Dogs! Big Dogs landing on ...

Marty: "Sir, sir, reading the news is one thing, but this stuff you wrote, it's not funny, sir. It's sad." Garlick: "Sir, I'm begging you. Don't try to do comedy. It's not in your blood." Lt. Hauk: "I'll do fine. Comedy is what you make it. I've got pages and pages of great material. Right, Abersold?" Pvt. ...

Garlick: "We got one positive call from some guy in Wichita who thought Hauk's comedy was visionary and interesting. The other 1,100 calls said that the man can't do comedy to save his dick. That's a direct quote, sir." Sgt. Phil McPherson: "I've taken 90 colls this morning. They just don't like Hauk." Garlick...

"Namaste, you guys."

"(After being challenged to a game) That game is fun! Oh, my god! (The game says 'A new high score') What does 'high score' mean? New high score. Is that bad? What does that mean? Did I break it?"

Jeff: "Nice karma, Guyblow." Shiloh: "You said it wrong, stupid. It's Shiloh."

"There's no trouble, bro. They're people, just like you and me. Now hit this joint and have some fun."

"I can't take it no more!"

"MY NADS! Hoh hoh hoh!"

"You've got no faith in Johnny, have you, Julia?..."

Character 1: "Zorro was a servant of the people. He was not a seeker of fame like he... Buffoon. Zorro did what was needed." Character 2: "And now he is needed again."

Slim: "Where you headed?" Jimmy: "Niagara Falls. I gotta get there by Saturday to stop Chloe from marrying the wrong man." Slim: "Let's cut the vato, huh ese!" Jimmy: "I wasn't planning on cutting the vato, no." Slim: "Somebody run off with your old lady, legally you're allowed to cut him."

Fan: "Hey, asshole, you guys suck!" Peter: "Thank you. Nice, nice to be in Vegas."

"Why do you eat that stuff, there's no food in your food."

"You'll never grow old, Michael, and you'll never die, but you must feed."

"I learned to play the ukulele in one of my last films, uh, Not so tiny Tim."

Jerry: "It's really just confusing. I'm hearing you the same timbre, and it's just cluttered." Alan: "Maybe if I did it higher and he did it lower..." Jerry: "No, I..." Mark: "The silver..." Jerry: "Actually, if you kinda do what you did before and kinda fade..." Alan: "La spectacular. I can't get that much higher."...

"Hey, listen up, everybody. Gotta little special thing I'd like to do tonight. Gonna play a little song for you about the nastiest, freakiest little sex puppet I know, Fiona."

"I'm never drinking again."

Scotty: "First bus to Berlin doest'nt leave till tomorrow morning. What do you want to do? Go to the tower of London, there's Buckingham Palace." Cooper: "Uh..." Scotty: "There's no drinking age." Cooper: "There you go!"

"I'm never drinking again."

"(Nicky snoring.)"

"I came all this way. I'm not gonna miss this."

Nicky: "Now I command you, Do me!" Peter: "Alright!" Nicky: "it just hurt a lot, still alive though."

"I'll give you my phone number, if you promise me you'll never, ever, use it."

"You are a monster and my father is a great man....You're nothing like my father."

"Nice!"

Barry: "(drunk) Nobody drives my car but me. You got that shit smear?" Ray: "(laughing) Loud and clear."

"Don't you know I would never say fuck! fuck!"

"I will not eat cat poop!"

Ally Loman: "Irene's mother rode on the maiden voyage." Bruce: "Wow. Rub that in my face, why don't ya?" Ally Loman: "Ninety seconds!" Bruce: "Nonety seconds? Holly hell. Uh, yeah. Okay. Ninety seconds? Whoo."

"I know what you're asking yourself. And the answer is yes. I have a nickname for my penis. It's called the octagon. But I aslo nicknamed my testis. My left one is James Westfall and my right one is Dr. Kenneth Noiswater. You ladies play your cards right, you just might get to meet the whole gang."

Brian: "I mean, come on, Ed! It's bullcrap! Don't get me wrong. I love the ladies. I mean, they rev my engine, but they don't belong in the newsroom!" Champ: "It is anchorman, not anchorlady! And that is a scientific fact!" Brian: "Uh-huh." Brick: "I don't know what we're yelling about!"

"That behind is driving me loco! I'm like a night wolf. (howling)"

"I'll give this little cookie an hour before we're doing the no-pants dance. Time to musk up."

"You see gum on the street, leave it there. It's not free candy."

"Does someone need a hug?"

Buddy: "Wow! What's this?" Gimbel's Manager: "This is the north pole." Buddy: "No it's not." Gimbel's Manager: "Yes, it is." Buddy: "No, it's not." Gimbel's Manager: "Yes, it is." Buddy: "No, it isn't." Gimbel's Manager: "Yes, it is." Buddy: "No, it isn't." Gimbel's Manager: "Yes, it is." Buddy: "No, it's not. W...

Ron: "What Brian didn't tell you was that those were not real pirates. They looked convincing, though." Brian: "Oh, yes."

Buddy: "I'm singing. I'm in a store and I'm singing! I'm in a store and I'm singing!" Gimbel's Manager: "Hey! There's no singing in the north pole." Buddy: "Yes, there is." Gimbel's Manager: "No, there's not!" Buddy: "We sing all the time!" Gimbel's Manager: "No, there's not!" Buddy: "Especially wh...

Hero Boy: "You can have my ticket." Conductor: "Ah! These tickets are not transferable."

"What in the name of Mike?"

Redneck: "What the hell kinda cop are you?" Reggie: "You know what I am? I'm your worst fucking nightmare, man. I'm a nigger with a badge, that means I got permission to kick your fucking ass whenever I feel like it!"

"And I want the rest of you cowboys to know somethin'. There's a new sheriff in town. And his name is Reggie Hammond. Y'all be cool. Right on."

" Nature, Mr. Allnut, is what we are putting this world to rise above."

Claude: "Any chance you are for scuba today?" Reuben: "You know what? We are for scuba." Claude: "No way, Jose!" Reuben: "Yes way, Jose. But we're goin' out with that guy."

Buddy: "Sarcasm is anger's ugly cousin. From now on, unacceptable."

Ross: "Chris, I'm scared to death." Chris Collins: "Yeah, we all are, but our brains secrete a neurotransmitter that enables us to deal with them. Come on." Ross: "I don't think I have that particular neurotransmitter."

Austin Powers: "That's not right." Foxxy Cleopatra: "Sure ain't."

"Nobody try anything stupid of the shooting begins."

Tuddy: "You know this kid?" Mailman: "Yeah." Tuddy: "You know where he lives?" Mailman: "Yeah." Tuddy: "You deliver mail to his house?" Mailman: "Yeah." Tuddy: "Well, from now on, any letter from that school to that kid's house comes directly here. You understand?" Mailman: "Yeah." Tuddy: "Another letter from that s...

Jimmy Conway: "You took your first pinch like a man and you learned the two greatest things in life." Young Henry: "What?" Jimmy: "Look at me. Never rat on your friends and always keep your mouth shut."

"Now take me to jail."

"My client recognizes that it's not up to her to decide what type of deal she wants."

Judge: "Mr. Brown how do you plead to count 1…" Chris Brown: "Not guilty." Judge: "And sir, count 2…" Chris Brown: "Not guilty."

"That attitude created the unresponsive beurocrocies of big government in the first place and that's not change we can believe in…whoever picked the green backdrop is not picking my running mate."

"When President Obama met with England's Queen Elizabeth he presented her with an iPod loaded with Broadway songs where she gave the Obama's a silver framed photo of herself and Prince Phillip. So congratulations on having no winners in that gift exchange."

"One of the great strengths of the United States is ... we have a very large Christian population -- we do not consider ourselves a Christian nation or a Jewish nation or a Muslim nation. We consider ourselves a nation of citizens who are bound by ideals and a set of values."

Nacho, nacho man, I want to be a nacho man!

Operator: 911, police, fire or ambulance? Woman: Hi. Operator: What seems to be the problem? Woman: I called a couple of minutes ago for a police officer, I’m at McDonalds. I’m off US 1. Operator: Okay, what’s going on? Woman: I’m still at McDonalds and I ordered a 4 piece chicken nuggets and a small fries and she t...

"There's a storm gathering. The could are dark and the winds are strong. And I am afraid. Some who advocate for same sex marriage have taken the issue far beyond same sex couples. They want to bring the issue into my life. My freedom will be taken away. I'm a California doctor who must choose between my faith and my...

"Uh, I never got a sword. I only got the holder. I didn't know that is what it was for."

Woman: In November 2004 Nathan was sentenced to 6 years for committing a gun crime. He was only 19. Man: Hi Nathan? Nathan: Yes sir. Man: How long have you been there? Nathan: I’ve been locked up 3 years and some change. Man: What do you miss most of all? Nathan: Other than being with my loved ones…the little thing...

Woman: In November 2004 Nathan was sentenced to 6 years for committing a gun crime. He was only 19. His mother was left alone. Mother: Hello. Nathan: How are you doing? Mother: I’m alright. How are you? Nathan: I’m doing alright. You talk to the kids? Mother: Yeah, they’re doing pretty good. Nathan: So what has Noah...

"Yeah I was telling that story you know the one about me with President Bush where he said to me Joe I'm a leader and I said Mr. President turn around and look behind you, no one is following. Zing! There's one for Joe."

"No school!

"Networking power grid."

I could tell you that we are the number one late night show among men 9-13 and the morbidly obese. I could tell you that we're final negotiations to create exclusive content for Americas jails.

Space Cop: "It appears to have been destroyed." Randy: "What? Oh my God not Finland." Everyone: "Oh now not Finland." Randy: "Hey guys Finland is dead." Japan: "No not Finland."

Alien Cop: "We had some images done of your planet and it appears that one of your poorer countries, Mexico, has built 32 new hospitals and 7 water parks in the last four days." Randy: "Yeah, Mexico all of us other countries chipped in and gave Mexico some aid. They really needed some new water parks."

"Our family at Mountain Creations has chosen only Northern White Cedar for our log home packages for its many aesthetic and natural advantages. Did you know Northern White Cedar is elegant, eco-friendly and energy efficient. A renewable resource, Northern White Cedar has low shrinkage, low moisture content and low m...

Dad: So what day is it today Jasper? Boy: Tuesday? Dad: Wrong! It’s NWA Day. Mom: No, no absolutely not. Dad: It’s alright I got it under control. Help tha police Comin straight from the underground Young chap got it bad cuz I'm brown And not the other color so police think They have the authority to carry out inq...

Man: Nothing! Nothing! Cop: Put your clothes on. Hurry up. Man: It’s the most beautiful thing I ever imagined. And… Cop: What’s your name? I’ll make you a deal, put your cloths on and you have good time. Man: Everything…and it doesn’t have to stop until you prove it to me. Cop: You can have a great time, an even bet...

"There was another forgotten holiday yesterday at least I forgotten it. It was take your kid to work day. It used to be take your daughter to work day and then political correctness came in and you had to include the sons and then it became nobody goes to school day and...But the good news is thanks to the economy t...

"Is this thing on? Hello? 1, 2, 3, 4…Where Sumo Joe meets a man who can finally put some dough in his hand. His wife is glad, his baby's sad. A spider's never had it so bad, a red balloon is blowing past to Timbuktu. A hoodlum boy and his brother Roy makes you think your seeing two. Whoa, mischief miss is at it agai...

"Nigga please."

"I turned into a monster. I lost my friends, I'm using the word nigga like it's my last name. Walking around calling women bitches and hos, that's not right. My mother won't even talk to me. Nothing's going right, nothing."

Morty: "Just hit menu." Michael: "On the remote?" Morty: "No, the menu at the Red Lobster. Yes, on the remote."

"Michael Jackson, the first man to clone himself is now suing himself for molesting himself."

"I'm not without skills."

"And there is nothing wrong with my tits!"