"Oh shit the cops."
"You old, she pregnant. Can't have a bunch of old pregnant bitches running around. That's crazy, I'm only allowed to let in five percent black people. He said that, five percent, that means if there's 25 people here I get to let in one and a quarter black people. So I gotta hope there's a midget in the crowd."
"Oh god your face smells like an old mans ball's."
Lightning: "Wow! This organic fuel is great! Why haven't I heard about it before?" Fillmore: "It's a conspiracy, man! The oil companies got a grip on the government! They're feedin' us a bunch of lies, man."
"One ring to rule them all."
"Did you think you were the only one he had on the inside? Costello was gonna sell us to the FBI. Its you and me now, you understand? We gotta take care of each other, you understand?"
Liz: "Oh ok, well Kenneth, you are now in charge of helping Tracy with any of the non-sexual things that Angie would to for him." Tracy: "So he's like... my office wife?" Liz: "Sure, let's go with that."
Jack: "Jerry, is that you? Nobody told me you were here." Jerry: "Oh I'm here Jack."
"Is this clinic on a boat?"
Liz: "What is this, liposuction?" Jenna: "Plus bone shaving and organ reduction."
"What's your schedule manana? Cause this is gonna be one serious negoshe."
Jenna: "Obama, what is he Hispanic?" Liz: "No he's black." Jenna: "And he's running for president? Good luck."
"You got the old leather pumpkin?"
"Oh hell no!"
"You lied about your brother drowning so people would come to your one woman show."
Jack: "What' s the one thing I asked you not to do?" Tracy: "That 227 movie, New Jack 8 City." Jack: "Dog fighting!"
"Alright, hold still Lucky. I'll be off your back in a minute. The only good cat is a stir fried cat."
Pickel: "My mom said I have like an oversized adrenal gland." Mary: "Pickel, enough."
Master Shake: "Well, I was just saying that you have the gloves that the..yellow." Romulox: "Oh these? They're the original yellows. Oh, I didn't notice your knock-offs there. Nice. You going for that ironic look or the "Look, I don't have any money" look?" Master Shake: "I don't know, which one would you do?"
Frylock: "This one uses highly compressed air, creating a super vacuum which completely obliterates all waste upon impact." Carl: "Oh, goodie! So I should just sorta let the neighbors know that I'm gonna be kinda, ya know, exposing myself 4-5 times a day, depending on what I eat? Maybe we could sell some tickets. Co...
"Me and Josh have earned the nickname: 'The old married couple of the house'. Because I'm constantly yelling at him."
"My body is out of shape and overweight and I should really get more exercise than I do."
"Osama bin laden? Why don’t they call him Osama been hidin'?"
"You motherfuckers take one more step I'm kicking this nigga out the motherfuckin window."
"I remember thinkin to myself. Wow, that's O.J. Simpson, he has a big fucken head man."
"Oh no problem, one love."
Joshua: "There was one incident back in January with a women." Mike: "An incident?" Joshua: "Well I mean I guess you can call it a mini make out session but, I mean, it was just a kiss. Except I don't know if it really meant anything to her. I mean she initiated it but she's someone I never managed to understand so...
"Morgan wasn't made to mix with the opposite gender, unlike me."
Frank: "It's not looking to good Horatio." Horatio: "On the contrary, there's a chance this girl is alive and we are gonna find her."
Frank: "You're the last one to see her alive?" Horatio: "That is correct. And Frank you better move quickly because right now I'm your only suspect."
"A lot of the style gurus in Austria saying Osama Bin Laden is like the best dressed guy, do you think so?"
Ali G: "I just want to make clear cause this is going out on the tv or whatever that, I..I don't do that stuff, I ain't got nothin against it." Guy: "Oh it's the homo that threw him off."
"Why do you think poiticians use so many words that young people just don't understand? Like discussion or conflict. Only cheechy men would use them words."
Ari: "This is what inmates do when they're gonna overtake the guards." Ari's Wife: "Ari!"
"What? No, allergies are psychosimatic. The only reason I'm allergic to dogs is because one bit me the first time I got my period."
Gordon: "One plain fucking salad! Did you go to school?" Ben: "Yes chef." Gordon: "You don't know a plain salad!" Ben: "Yes chef." Gordon: "Oh my God! Plain salad!"
"Getting cozy with Obama is bad business and it's bad for their health. There are actually two strains of flu that are effecting American business, newspaper suck up disease is currently killing most American Newspapers. The newspapers are sucking up to Obama it's unlike anything anybody has ever seen and it's not j...
Nadya: I’m sure there’s going to be a lot of law suits filed against me. Am I going to acknowledge any of them? Probably not, because there are no grounds for anything. If anyone wants to do that, feel free to try, but again, I’ll reiterate people want a piece of this situation, piece of my babies, piece of me and t...
"And people are opportunists and they just want to be in the spotlight. How ironic is that that people who don’t want that are thrust into it over night and those who are just foaming at the mouth for it don’t get it and have to go to extraordinary lengths to get some form of attention. That’s what I think of it."
"There is a guy trying out for the track team that is older than the game of poker."
Thank you. Thank you, everybody. Good evening. You know, I had an entire speech prepared for this wonderful occasion, but now that I'm here I think I'm going to try something a little different. Tonight I want to speak from the heart. I'm going to speak off the cuff. (Teleprompters rise.) (Laughter and applause.) G...
“Michael Steele is in the house tonight. Or as he would say, ‘In the heezy.’ Wassup? Michael, for the last time, the Republican Party does not qualify for a bailout. Rush Limbaugh does not count as a troubled asset, I’m sorry.”
Morton: Excuse me, I believe you have my stapler...
This is one pack and I'm just getting started! I'm not even a tenth of the way through!
Thank you, President Crow, for that generous introduction, and for your inspired leadership here at ASU. And I want to thank the entire ASU community for the honor of attaching my name to a scholarship program that will help open the doors of higher education to students from every background. That is the core missi...
"One kiss. Just let me show you how I do it".
Oh god I'm runnin' aaaahhhh yeaaah
I could've been a contender. I could've been somebody, instead of a bum.
"I bet you couldn't go one day without sweets."
"I think the one in the center looks delicious."
Dr. Cristina Yang: "So, what, you're just going to repress everything in some deep, dark, twisted place until one day you snap and kill them?" Dr. Meredith Grey: "Yep." Dr. Cristina Yang: "This is why we are friends."
"1, 2, 3 o'clock, 4 o'clock, rock! We're going to rock around the clock tonight."
Robert Jensen: "Even Oprah Winfrey is not a fan, is she? Or is she turning around?" Snoop Dogg: "I don't know, I ain't ever been on the Oprah Winfrey show."
"Yesterday the judge ordered a mistrial in the Phil Spector murder trial. I'm telling you, a wealthy celebrity, in Los Angeles, dodges a murder rap, boy I didn't see that coming."
"This is great, OJ's lawyers have come up with a new rhyme: 'Steal my memorabilia, I must kill ya'."
"I'll just read this word for word. OJ busted in Las Vegas. Right now his lawyers are working around the clock to get his trial moved to Las Angeles."
"Earlier today President Bush announced to the nation that he promised to have Lindsey Lohan out of rehab next summer."
"It was so wet today that Kid Rock and Tommy Lee were fighting over an umbrella."
"You're 42, but your dad still makes you watch the parade on his shoulders."
"Oh fiddily fod."
"So far this marriage is better than my last one. My wife cooked and atleast one of my kids was a blood relation to me."
Mike: "E-mailers are complementing my new open collar wardrobe. Tony, how about you?" Tony: "Eh, I think it would look better with a comb over."
Mike: "You know, you just, you're off your game today Tony." Tony: "No I'm not!" Mike: "And it must be on the road and you're outside the bus."
"England is out of the tournament, done."
Dan: "Ahh!" Tony: "Oh my god."
"One minute left we go to the big finish."
"Oh, good grief."
Betty: "Let me tell you something, you gotta watch that one. It's gonna be hard to keep her off the pole." Jodi: "True."
"British grandmother Peggy McAlpine celebrated her 100th birthday this week by becoming the world's oldest paraglider. Though she would have preferred to have done it voluntarily."
"On Tuesday, candidate Barack Obama proposed setting a goal of eliminating all nuclear weapons in the world. A novel idea. He also hopes to save the polar ice caps, the whales, to make love, not war and to buy the world Coke."
"Oh hello. I didn't see you come in."
"There's only one playoffs, there's only one October and there's only one logical spokesman for baseball, Dane Cook."
"On Tuesday the Republican Presidential candidates gathered in Michigan for a debate. The last time there were this many old white dudes in one place, Steve Guttenberg was trying to get the nod of a swimming pool."
"Okay sexy, here the next joke."
Amy: "One more Rosa." Rosa: "Okay sexy." Amy: "Okay."
Amy: "OJ what exactly went down in that hotel room?" OJ: "Amy, it was a huge misunderstanding. I just went in there to get my stuff. Stuff that was once mine, that I then sold to a guy, and then I came back to take it back. That's OJ's right."
Loren: "I'm sure he's talking about a different LeBron James." LeBron: "And I'm sure he's talking about a different Loren Michaels." Loren: "No, there's only one Loren Michaels."
"None of us want war in that whole area out over there. But as commander and chief I am ever cognizant of my authority to launch a full scale orgy of death there in the desert sand."
Franz: "Listen hear me now believe me later, we are tired of waiting for the allies to start the ground war so it's time for us to begin…" Hans: "Operation musclestorm."
"This week in the O.J. Simpson trial the infamous bloody glove was finally introduced into evidence and O.J. didn't help his case any by blurting out. 'there it is! I've been looking all over for that thing.'"
"Like it? Ha, oatmeal is the greatest food on earth, it's my all-time favorite!"
"Oh no no no, alright, alright. Ahhh (Grumbles)."
"Hello everybodeee! This is your old pal Grover."
"Aha! Greetings! One, two, three, four, five, six, seven. Seven standing people, one Big Bird and one…one shivering person in the bathtub."
"Oh, come on!"
"I have to figure out if I'm an optimist or a pessimist... and I don't know anymore."
"Real guitars are for old people."
"I can't really afford to play anymore anyway. I'm about out of quarters."
Kyle and Thomas: "Oh shit!"
Randy: "That, uh, a little bigger than your brothers there Gerald." Gerald: "It's other worldly."
"We apologize and if it's ok with you, we would like to present you, your long overdue trophy."
"You boys make me sick. You're well on your way to being men, who only think with their penises."
"Oh my god!"
"If we don't open our eyes, we gonna be seeing you a lot!"
Colbert: "Why do you have a problem with my hero, papa bear Bill O'Reilly? You guys have been going at it, hammer and tongs." Olbermann: "Well, Stephen, he's an idiot." Colbert: "You say that like it's a bad thing. I think he sees the world simply, okay? Without all your complicated facts." Olbermann: "We're both sa...
"Just a couple of hard-driving roughnecks down Hazzard County way…"
"Alright. One word, two syllables: demarcation. Alright."
Gareth: "Can't you punish him?" Ricky: "Oh kinky."
"I don't care if you're black, brown or yellow - you know, Orientals make very good workers."
David Brent: "Because we're like one big organism, one big animal. The guys upstairs on the phones, they're like the mouth. The guys down here, the hands." Jennifer Taylor-Clark: "And what part are you?" David Brent: "Good question. Probably the humour."
"Yes, I've had office romances. Not here. At another place I worked at. Good-looking ones, as well. But they're not a good idea, office romances. It's like shitting on your own doorstep. I've had loads of offers here, but I go 'no way, distracting'."
"Remember you're only as old as the woman you feel."
"I don't know where we're going tonight. Obviously Finchy's a sophisticated guy, and Gareth's a culture vulture, so you know will it be opera, ballet? I don't know. I know the RSC's in town, so er... having said that at Chasers, it's Hooch for a pound and Wonderbras-get-in-free night tonight. So I don't know, I don'...
"Okay, we'll brainstorm. Own the solution."
"That is why the idea of a cage match is so universally appealing. But here's the thing about cage matches. Sometimes you have to open the cage and that is something that Toby will never understand."
"There are certain topics that are off limits to comedians. JFK, Aids, the Holocaust, the Lincoln assassination just recently became funny. I need to see this play like I need a hole in the head."
"Actually I do own property. My grandfather left me a 60 acre working beet farm. I run it with my cousin Mose. We sell beets to local stores and restaurants. It's a nice little Farm. Sometimes teenagers use it for sex."
"I live in a 9 bedroom farmhouse. I have my own cross bow range. It's a perfect situation for me. Although two bathrooms would be nice, we just have the one and it's under the porch."
Dwight: "Michael." Michael: "Yes." Dwight: "Oscar is out sick." Michael: "On a Friday?"
"It's not a surprise to me. Pam is the office mattress."
"Who is this old fart? Did you just stagger off the street? Out of a box or something. Who is this worthless bag of bones?"
"Ryan wants everything in our company to be about e-mails and IMs. But I think he is forgetting about the original instant message: letters attached to baskets of food."
"Yes I understand that David. I just felt if we were to downsize Kelly and then outsource customer service to India, which a lot of companies…yeah, no, yes Kelly is Indian. I understand that's confusing."
"Some days, I am just on fire. What can I say."
Dwight: "Oh good, you're up. Hey, who makes this chair?" Kid: "I don't know, it was here when I was born." Dwight: "Hmm... I want one. It's a really good solid construction, it's comfortable. (Knocks the chair) What is this? Oak?" Kid: "I don't know." Dwight: (Gets upset)..."What do you know?"
"Oh man, you are so busted."
Dwight: "Oh man, you are so busted. Ice skates? Shopping bags? I think I know what's going on here. You weren't sick at all." Gil: "Who's this?" Dwight: "This is Dwight Schrute who is this?" Gil: "gil." Oscar: "Are you going to tell Michael?" Dwight: "How about this? I don't tell Michael and you owe me one big giant...
"Hello, this is Dwight Schrute calling from Dunder Mifflin and according to our records you appear to be low on office supplies."
"Bob Barker, Bob barker, such a huge part of our lives. Bob Barker, Bob Barker, the day time lover of all men's wives. Bob Barker, Bob Barker, 35 years of giving us new cars on The Price is Right. Bob Barker, Bob Barker, the silver haired devil that whooped my ass in a fight. Bob Barker, Bob Barker, we'll always hav...
Vito: "Can you give me an order of johnny cakes?" Jim: "Short stack or tall?" Vito: "Tall."
"That's 10 more deaths that I don't want to count on my rosary when I get home."
"I guess today is one of those days!"
It is experience that can give a person a common touch and a sense of compassion, an understanding of how the world works and how ordinary people live. OBAMA: And that is why it is a necessary ingredient in the kind of justice we need on the Supreme Court. Now, the process of reviewing and selecting a successor to J...
"You can observe a lot juts by watching."
Greg: "Hey, why don't we do a whole thing about platectonics." Narrator: "I thought platectonics was the original name of the Wu-Tang Clan."
"Oh (purrs like a cat)"
Foxxy: "Tell me somethin I don't know." Austin: "I open mouth kissed a horse once." Foxxy: "Say what?" Austin: "That's something you don't know."
"Before time began, there was... the cube. We know not where it comes from, only that it holds the power to create worlds and fill them... with life. That is how our race was born."
"At the end of this day, one shall stand, on shall fall!"
Dilios: "And so the boy, given up for dead, returns to his people, to sacred Sparta a king, our king, Leonidas." Army: "Harooh! Harooh! Harooh!"
Persian Messenger: "What makes this woman think she can speak among men?" Queen Gorgo: "Because only Spartan women give birth to real men."
"I had a one night stand, an O-N-S, an Ons."
"Oh honey. The terror alert has been lifted to orange. Oh what should I do? Get the bread out of the oven, let's eat dinner. Well should I Get scared? Yes it's about getting scared. Alright, well now I'm scared, now what so I do? Obey. Obey is all you're supposed to do."
"I can't wait for Operation: Rest of the Brown Ones. That's gonna be a good one. That domino effect. Yeah, Syria's next, motherfucker, come on."
"It's hard for your mom to tell you she has an oral fixation and has to have something in her mouth. My step dad is in the kitchen winking at me. You down with OPP, yeah you know me. Exciting is and a special… What? Easy, and why do you know all the words? That's weird."
"They were great but they made the mistake of incorporating our town name into the lyrics, but dipshits like me get impressed that they can read our town off the back of a mic stand. On a dark Arizona highway… wooh that's us dude. So happy. But then they keep milking it. Cool Scottsdale wind in our hair. That's stil...
"My girlfriend is named Lynn. She spells her name 'Lynn'. My old girlfriend's name is Lyn, too, but she spells it 'Lyn'. Every now and then I screw up, I call my new girlfriend by my old girlfriend's name, and she can tell because I don't say 'n' as long."
"Our message to Cincinnati is that there is still hope and all we have to do is stand together."
"This is odd."
"We're an interstellar squad of superior beings for god sakes! Now quit your bitchin' and get out of the kitchen!"
"Ok, that's it. You are officially out of control."
"Oh my GOD! They killed Kenny!"
(Fart noise) Cartman: "Ow! My ass!" Stan: "Damn Cartman." (Fart noise) Cartman: "Ow! My ass!" Stan: "Dude, he's farting fire!"
"Ow! You guys, my ass! Seriously!"
"Okay Cartman we got outta school, you can stop farting fire now!"
Stan: "Oh man, I feel like a total choad." Cartman: "Ah c'mon Stan. Maybe that's just because you look like a total choad."
Clyde: "Oh I'm so hungry and all I can think of eating is... brains!" Doctor: "Yeah well for God's sake don't touch your eyes, I'll prescribe some antibiotics."
Stan: "I'll kick your ass Kyle." Cartman: "Oh look out. Holly Hobby is all pissed off!"
Stan: "How's your barrel full of candy, Wendy?" Wendy: "Oh I didn't want all that sweet stuff. I gave it away to hungry children in Nairobi." Cartman: "You WHAT? Are you INSANE??"
Mr Garrison: "And where are you from Damein?" Damien: "The seventh layer of hell." Mr. Garrison: "Oh, that's exciting, my mother was from Alabama."
"Oh, excuse me new kid, I didn't mean to fart on you, I didn't have a choice."
"Oh, I wonder what Stan got me for my birthday present. Oh, look, a Blue MegaMan! Thank you, Stan, you may eat pie and cake and ice cream now."
"Oh, Eric! I didn't get an invitation."
"Oh, what a splendid party!"
"Stan, I'm your teacher, we're only friends."
"You know what they say about women with one arm longer then the other."
"Oh... hi, Wendy."
"All you need to know is Ms. Ellen is a lesbian and that means she only likes other lesbians."
"I am one with the animals and trees..."
Cartman's 'On the Beat' music
"Sometimes uploading the law is messy, but you get by... one day at a time."
"Because old ladies are fat, and so are you!"
The bus goes off of the road
"My mom said if I take swimming lessons I can be in the Olympics some day!"