Martin Short: "It's it's it's ranges that go high and then go very low." Larry: "Ranges that go high and then go very low."
"I has actually met Ronald McDonald at my cousins 15th birthday party in England, and him, even though he dressed like a total prick, he is actually a genius."
"Rosie O'Donnell how much, how much?"
"Me name be Ralph Nader, me gonna make an appeal, homies, save the rain forest aiight. Keep it real."
Lori: And also I’d like to know if you’re going to reach out to Senator John McCain, who is Republican and in the past has favored immigration reform? Obama: Well, we reach out to Senator McCain on a whole host of issues. He has been a leader on immigration reform; I think he has had the right position on immigratio...
"We will rebuild a stronger nation."
"I would like to reduce the number of unwanted pregnancies that result in women feeling compelled to get an abortion or at least considering getting an abortion."
Drama: "You want to hit a rub and tug?" Turtle: "Now?" Drama: "Yeah I gotta shed some nerves."
"I know that you had a scheme in that chubby head of yours."
"Okay do it. Ah!"
Sir, your mother had me move her from the Plaza to the Carlisle. Evidently the concierge at the Plaza has a beard and she'd rather not get raped.
"Captain's Log star date April 28, 2009. It has come to my attention that certain videos of the naughty nature have been leaked to the trolls and they have been added to the EV page and I want to talk a little bit of the subject matter of those two videos. You know that, first off the one with the...being drunk, it'...
"Here's some good news, for the first time in 30 years American children have improved their reading scores. It's impressive, now they can read English almost as well as Chinese children so it's good for us."
Kid: Posse is great for people who enjoy rap or hip hop. A rapper has to have a posse to back him up. If you’re just by yourself and like rap that’s okay but if you got a posse you got people you can rely on. Beat-box in the posse he is the cassette. He’s the vacuum track. He can do symbols, he can do chords, he’s t...
Nolan Ryan! Brett Favre!
"Rice a Roni, the San Francisco treat."
Rick: Last night we said a great many things. You said I was to do the thinking for both of us. Well, I've done a lot of it since then, and it all adds up to one thing: you're getting on that plane with Victor where you belong. Ilsa: But, Richard, no, I... I... Rick: Now, you've got to listen to me! You have any ide...
"And we in fact name our farts. We have the squeaker…and then there’s the fog horn…and the don’t be scared…"
But we can do the Road Warrior…no, we go in, we kill. No more talk we kill. Soon my dog of war, but we have to do it my way… you just, you just wait!
1967 Parole Hearings Man: Ellis Boyd Redding, your files say you've served 40 years of a life sentence. Do you feel you've been rehabilitated? Red: Rehabilitated? Well, now let me see. You know, I don't have any idea what that means. 1967 Parole Hearings Man: Well, it means that you're ready to rejoin society... ...
Some people aren't that lucky...like the one Brando played in "On the Waterfront," an up and comer whose now a down and outer. Remember the scene in the car with his brother Charlie? It went like this. It wasn't him, Charlie. It was you. Remember that night you said, Kid, this ain't your night. We're going for the p...
"Well pin a rose on your nose."
"According to prosecutors, listen to this, Spector came out of his house with bloody hands, bloody hands, and he said 'I think I just killed somebody.' In LA that's a reasonable doubt."
"The actual retail price of the retirement watch CBS gave me... $17.95!"
Tom: "Can one of you guys gimme a ride home? I'm not allowed to drive after sunset." Ralph: "Oh yeah buddy."
"Ray Allen in this day and time in the NBA, he's a great player. And he gives you a great compliment to Kevin Garnet."
"But I like this because the Raiders are a rough and tumble team and they want to hit somebody in the mouth."
"You know I think he's the right guy for this town and for this job. And I think he's going to carry the mantle very, very well."
"We're going to have some fun and I promise to read my jokes in the very same fashion I've been reading the news for these past few years."
"After reaching an impasse during contract negotiations with the alliance and motion pictures and television producers this week, the Writers Guild of America announced their intention to go on strike this Monday."
"Singapore Airlines, the first operator of the new Airbus A380, has asked passengers on the world's biggest jumbo jet to reframe from sex while in one of it's 12 first class sweets which have double beds. Said the passengers, no."
"It was reported that because of the success of the Disney cartoon Ratatouille demand for rats as pets have surged. This according to a guy on Avenue A who tried to sell me a rat."
"It was reported that Ashley Olsen is romantically involved with Lance Armstrong. They've even been spotted riding around the city on a bicycle built for 1 and a quarter."
"To help reduce the number of pigeons in the Staten Island Ferry Terminal a New York City councilman is proposing feeding the birds birth control pill. This after having no luck with the abstinence pamphlets."
"Really Senator Craig?"
"Meanwhile Republican Mitt Romney pulling ever so close in the polls. Admitted that his given name is Rubber Mittens and that he does indeed combs his hair with olive oil and a fork."
"This has been Rowlf and the Swedish Chef."
"Now as many of you have heard, Kevin Federline is kinda rocking it right now."
"Good evening, I'm Fred Thompson. How about a round of applause people. Your damn hands broken?"
Vinny: "Next question, Dead or Alive…" Jon: "Yeah, the song, Dead or Alive." Vinny: "Is a song about a robot horse."
"Police in Houston say that a drunken argument between two roommates of a smelly feet. Leg women to starve his roommate to death. Said the man, I'm so not yelling like the commercial."
"Rosa Santiago everybody."
"The top prize at this year's Rubik's Cube world championship went to a 16-year-old, who solved the puzzle five times in an average of 12.5 seconds. The teen said afterward that he would need a lot more time to solve the puzzle that is woman."
"Guys, come on, I mean it is not why I suggested Bon Jovi. I mean honestly, it didn't even occur to me that Bon Jovi was my last until you guys reminded me."
"Watch what I do with this little ditty from Sisqo called the 'Thong Song.' Oh girl that dress is so scandolous, And you know another Nigga couldn't handle it. You see dumps like a truck, truck, truck Not like a what, what, what Baby move you butt,butt,butt I think I'll sing it again Sha bang, sha bop,bop bop. Thong...
"And you, John Edwards, you phony, two faced, ambulance chasing, little rat bastard."
LeBron: "My first season I was rookie of the month every month." Penelope: "I was rookie of the month every month too so. I was rookie of the day every day so. I was rookie of the minute just now, I just got voted, just now."
"Take time to read to a child. Read to achieve."
"Marcel Marceau, the world famous French mime died this week at the age of 84. It turns out that the invisible rope he was pulling was attached to a very real tiger."
"Hi I'm Alexander, I'm 6 foot 8 and weigh 240 pounds. I like roasted whole turkeys."
Chris: "So you remember when Bill Murray came when you were the medieval barber and he came with his legs all broken from being dragged by the oxguard after having too much meat?" Steve Martin: "Yeah what about it?" Chris: "That was awesome."
"Brad Pitt sexiest, People wroto, Opera man say, recount the voto."
Slater: "So how do we look?" Jessie: "Like Rambo and Dumbo."
"Places please. Quiet down…and here we go…and roll cameras."
Head Cheerleader: "Gimme a rock." Cheerleaders: "Rock." Head Cheerleader: "Gimme an et." Cheerleaders: "Et." Head Cheerleader: "Gimme a rock." Cheerleaders: "Rock." Head Cheerleader: "Gimme an et." Cheerleaders: "Et." Cheerleaders: "Rock-et, Rock-et, Rock-et, Rocket, Rocket, Rocket, yaaaaaay."
Announcer: "The winner by knockout, and still undisputed ruler of your Spiritual Kingdom... Je-sus 'El Saviorrrr' Christ!"
"I can't concentrate with all these assholes riding me all the time."
"Oh come on. Once you start playing Guitar Hero you can't stop till you reach the top."
"The guys agree Sharon, it could be a record holder."
"I say…lets give Bono a run for his money."
"Lesbos, remember this day. Remember this fight."
"Oh God, it really smells like Kenny's house down here."
"Yo baby I know your feet must be tired cause you've been running through my mind ALL DAY! Come here girl!"
David: "Ricky. Ricky. Ricky Rah Ricky. What is his girlfriend's name in the Eastenders?" Ricky: "Bianca." David: "Ricky leave it."
Jennifer: "Have you made any redundancies?" David: "I gave a speech, only this morning, to my staff, assuring them there would not be cutbacks at this branch, and that there certainly wouldn’t be redundancies." Jennifer: "Well why on earth would you do that?" David: "Why? Ooh, a little word that I think’s important ...
"Carol how goes the real estate biz? Is it real good?"
"Forget about retiring when you're 65. Hey I got an idea, you know that extra bedroom? If the whole girlfriend thing never happens, that's where the nurse can live."
Angela: "When you saw her how was she looking." Dwight: "Really dead. Like, just a dead cat."
"I'm having relationship problems. And since you're always having relationship problems, I thought you'd be able to give me some advice."
Jan: "Water babe?" Michael: "No, no water for me. Not while rabies causes fear of water. Solidarity!" Jan: "Michael that is irrational."
"Hey bra, I've been meaning to ask you. Can we get some Red Bull for these things? Sometimes a guy has got to ride the bull. Am I right? Later skater."
Dwight: "Oh I assume I'm gonna be reimbursed for the pizza." Michael: "Not now Dwight, please not the time."
Pam: "Doesn't Jan have money?" Michael: "I don't talk to my girlfriend about money. It is rude "and un-sexual." Kevin: "True, it's best to hide our money problems from women." Michael: "I totally agree with you."
"Run away train, never coming back. Runaway and I'm never coming back."
Tony: (at the Bing)" How'd you know to find me here?" Julianna: "I'm a real estate agent."
"It took you 2 hours to walk 3 miles. What did you do, stop and reapply your make up."
"You know how to shoot, go rustle up some grub."
This recessionary period ain’t messin’ around I got depression-era economics gettin me down The internet it ain’t immune, man, everybody’s gettin’ screwed And yeah it’s true you know, web two-dot-oh is dead in the ground VC’s drying up, M&A? outta luck And the rub is you’ll be strugglin’ if your company sucks Stuck...
I have two words for you - robot warning.
"A Belgian man and his fifteen year old love slave with webbed feet was looting the accident scene, they came across a blood soaked baby, moi. They raised me to be evil, you know, that old chestnut."
"I like to point out that no one else in my gene pool runs like a girl."
"Autobots, relieve them of their weapons.
"Autobots, roll out!"
"You risked your life to protect the cube."
"I beg you bold King to permit me to redeem my father's name by serving you in combat. My father trained me to feel no fear to make spear and shield and sword a part of me as much as beating heart."
"He did not wish tribute, nor song, or monuments or poems of war and valor. His wish was simple. Remember us."
"Right, you see them waiting in line at the movie theatre holding hands, but it's not loving at all, it's like this rigormortis, Rheumatoid Arthritis, red rover grip, that they got going on. and everything's an argument. "I should probably bring my jacket it might get cold." "Then bring your fuckin' jacket!"
"Republicans got some awesome racists, great sexists. Homophobes? A #1!"
"If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be fucked up."
"If a person grits his teeth and shows real determination”
"And I guarantee a week won't go by in your life you won't regret walking out, letting them get the best of you."
"Surely he won’t recognize us because he’s blind but I’m sure he will recognize the taste of a good meal wouldn’t you say?"
"Ribbed for her pleasure, but I turned them inside-out."
"I don't want to play any of their reindeer games."
"I am red freaking hot!"
"Ready Ike? Kick the baby!"
Cartman: "Can we have some candy now please?" Chef: "Damnit boy! What in the hell are you doin dressed up like that?" Cartman: "I'm trying to trick or treat goddamnit!" Chef: "Remind me to whoop your ass good next time I see you. Now get in here before those zombies get you."
Jimbo: "Well Jesus, I definitely learned my lesson, never bet on evil because when you do...Ned, look, there's a rare Duckbilled Platypus. It's coming right for us!" Stan: "Oh my God, they killed Kenny!" Kyle: "You bastards!!"
"Wendy needs to raise her voice to be heard..."
"I can't wait for Ms. Ellen to see what a raging lesbian I am."
"Children, Ms. Ellen doesn't exactly play for the right team."
"...so terrifyingly hungry that you are forced to live in the sewers, only emerging at at night..."
"And I learned something too... Robert Smith kicks ass!"
"Dude, Robert Smith of the Cure!"
"Where have you been? Dinner's been ready for 5 minutes!"
"I don't need to take your right wing authoritative bullshit."
"Wow! I guess reading really does suck ass."
"Oh, goddamn, reading is lame!"
"I knew it was you all along Richard Nixon!"
"C'mon rice picker!"
"Stan, has anybody actually seen the nurse, and come back to tell about it?"
"We've got to do it, J. Your ratings are being killed by the Jimbo and Ned hunting show."
"He wants to have his cake and eat it too! He's got to dump that trash girlfriend!"
"Revenge is so very very sweet."