"She touched my peppy, Steve."
Doug: "So, how was the desert?" Laura: "Oh, it was great. It was just what I needed." Doug: "Yeah, 'cause, you know, I saw on the weather that it was, what, like 175 degrees?"
"See ya, Steve."
"Seems to me you fellows could stand a little less training from the F.B.I. and a little more from the Actor's Studio."
"See ya in the funny papers."
Barry: "So, who's the, uh, jacuzzi Casanova?" Stumpy: "Oh, that's him right there! Yeah, they call him that 'cause he had himself up in it, you know, lovin' it strong." Luke: "Thank you, Stumpy." Stumpy: "No problem!"
Pig Pen: "We should go and say good-bye to Rick." Luke: "No, no, no. He knows that we're leaving then he's gonna throw it all away. SO, we have to do the honorable thing and steal a few street signs and leave town with our tail between our legs."
"So there's a few bad apples! So my daughter's a whore! But, this is a hell of a deal!"
Jenny: "So, do you ever miss her?" Rick: "Who?" Jenny: "That is the right answer."
"It's not in your best interests to disconnect me. Someone could get hurt."
Stu: "Look, that's it, this mindfuck is over." Caller: "Stu, if you hang up I will kill you."
"So long as you don't take what would be interpreted as a hostile action, you should be safe."
"Stop this, I can't take this anymore."
"Six bucks and my right nut says we're not landing in Chicago."
Everett: "I already got the rings. Where's your ring honey?" Penny Wharvey McGill: "I ain't worn it since our divorce came through. It must still be in the roll-top in the old cabin. Never thought I'd need it. Vernon bought one encrusted with jewels." Everett: "Now's the time to buy it off him cheap." Penny Wharvey ...
Ted Muntz: "The Eskimos around here have a saying: Kwa kwanee kwona kwana taka ko..." John Majors: "Whoa, whoa, whoa. Slow down there, Nanook. You're gonna give yourself an aneurism."
Pig Pen: "So, Rick, did you hit it last night or what?" Rick: "No, man, we just talked." Luke: "Oh, god. You know, maybe we should clarify something. when you won the race last night that made you King of the Mountain. Not King of the No-ball Pussy Losers. They already have their own king... my brother." Pig Pen: "W...
"Carpe the diem. Sieze the... carp!"
Luke: "Seize the carp?" Pig Pen: "What? (Luke hit's him) Ow!"
"Well, yeah, it doesn't really allow my dice to roll domn there' and by dice, I mean testicles. Speaking of testicles, let me get a beer."
"Excuse me. I have to go. Somewhere there is a crime happening."
"Oh golf, huh? Seems every time I play I get Tourettes syndrome. You know, 'Fore! Shit, damn, crap. Fore! Shit, damn, crap.'."
Valdine: "So, Willy, what do they pay you down there for gassing strays?" Gilly: "Uh, no, ma'am, I don't gas them." Valdine: "Oh, what do you do, hit them with a bat?"
Dig: "So, where's your launchpad, Kerouac?" Gilly: "My what?" Dig: "Where you from, baby? Where you from?"
"He had a charity event last night. A dollar a pop to take a whack at the truck with a sledge hammer. Shit, had a good time." Gilly: "People paid money to beat the hell out of my truck?" Dig: "Set me back ten bucks. I think I threw out my shoulder, you know, with your quater panels."
"Whoa, whoa, whoa. (imitates brakes screeching) Slow down, Speedy Gonzales."
"You're very puzzling, Mr. Darcy. At this moment it's difficult to believe that you're so...proud. At this moment, it's difficult to believe that you're so prejudiced. Shall we not call quits and start again?"
"Shall we not call quits and start again?"
"Some people lose their faith because heaven shows them too little, but how many people lose their faith because heaven shows them too much?"
"Settle down, El Paso."
"Shit, love may be blind, but it can still smell that money, baby."
Freddy: "He better not come back!" Jimmy: "Yeah, that's right, or we'll tie you to a tree, fuck you in the ass while we jerk you off! Show you what we really do to perverts around here!"
Streak Screaming his lungs out.
Gilly: "Now, wait a minute. That's my truck." Streak: "Get your hands up!" Gilly: "Was your truk. Mine now." Streak: "Oh, it... it looks really nice." Gilly: "She's my home now. So technically, you're standing on my front lawn. So why don't you back your ass up off my property and into them woods."
Sound of gun cocking, the crack of Indy's whip, gun fires as it strikes a rock.
"You kids shouldn't play so rough. Somebody's gonna start crying."
Sidney: "Head Dewey!" Dewey: "What?" Sidney: "Head! Shoot him in the head!"
"Seven deadly sins: gluttony, greed, sloth, wrath, pride, lust, and envy."
"Say pilgrim that liked to have parted my hair. If you wanna play rough I can sure oblige ya."
"Shits himself when you put him in the ring. Poke him with a stick, you watch his bollocks grow."
Doug The Head: "Avi." Cousin Avi: "Shut up and sit down, you big bald fuck!"
Bullet Tooth Tony: "So, you're obviously the big dick, and that on either side of you, are your balls. There are two types of balls: There are big brave balls, and there are little mincey faggot balls." Vincent: "These are your last words so make them a prayer." Bullet Tooth Tony: "Dicks have drive and clarity of vi...
Harry: "Shoot the hostage." Bomber: "(laughs) "Say goodbye Harry." Harry: "You ass!"
Beth: "Somebody has to go reset the minisub. You know, if you don't reset it every 12 hours it'll float to the surface. Remember?" Harry: "I'll go." Norman: "No, I'll go." Harry: "You sure?" Norman: "Oh yes."
Bishop: "So, when do I get my first assignment?" Muir: "When I decide you're ready."
Bishop: "I thought spys drank martitis." Muir: "Scotch, never less than twelve years old." Bishop: "Is that right? Agency rules?" Muir: "My rules."
"We didn't know when the Doc was going to be giving the Shiek his physical but it was our one and only opportunity to take him out. So I didn't have the usual time to butter him up. Which means we needed twice the sex with half the foreplay."
"She had worked both ends against the middle for so long, the middle decided to give up and go home."
"Scotty, beam me up."
"Stand by to receive our transmission."
"Someone made a big Goddamn mistake."
Huggy Bear: "Oh, shit. Starsky, this your ride?" Starsky: "Uh-huh." Huggy Bear: "Damn. You just moved up a notch in my book. That puts you at notch one."
Starsky: "So tomorrow, I say we check out this biker bar, do a little deep cover." Hutch: "Sounds good." Starsky: "Who does your wig work?" Hutch: "I'm sorry, my what?" Starsky: "Your wig work. Your undercover work, you know, your disguises." Hutch: "You, you have a wig guy?" Starsky: "Oh, yeah, he's incredible."
Hutch: "Now, where were we?" Starsky: "You were gonna tell us about Terrence Meyers." Bartender: "Who's Terrence Meyers?" Starsky: "Wrong answer, Big Earl." Bartender: "Big Earl? I'm not Big Earl. I'm Jeff." Hutch: "Oh, yeah. Yeah." Starsky: "Jeff?" Hutch: "No one's who they say they are." Starsky: "Yeah." ...
"Stop shooting my car!"
Ouiser: "That dog is on his last legs. What am I gonna do with that poor animal?" Drum: "Serve him on toast!"
Thorny: "Are you okay?" College Boy 1: "Yeah, sure." Thorny: "Yes, sir?" College Boy 1: "Yes, sir." Thorny: "No, did you say 'Yes, sir?'?" Rabbit: "I think he said, 'Yeah, sure.'" College Boy 2: "What'd you say, man?" College Boy 1: "Well, I said, 'Yeah, sure,' but what, literally, I said was, 'Yeah, sure, si...
Somebody to Love
"So, the american FBI declares war on us, then war it is."
"I'm sorry Mr. Brown. This man is no clown. He know's all your moves back to front. Right now you got a name. That's all you got. So the Jackal's got a target: You. He's got a timetable. And as to making mistakes, he's spent 20 years in a trade that doesn't forgive error, and he's prevailed. You think he's the one u...
Lamont: "Some hairy looking rounds." The Jackal: "Made from deplete uranium. Go through anthing. Once they get inside thejust spall." Lamont: "Hell yeah. They spall yeah. The get in there and they just. (imitates spalling noise.)"
The Jackal: "So, Lamont, tell me how you sight in this thing automatically." Lamont: "Uh, you just uh, punch in the windageaand the elevation you want and hit enter." The Jackal: "So you just kind of guesstimate it, huh?" Lamont: "Basically guesstimation." The Jackal: "And hit enter." Lamont: "Uh-huh. (The Jackal en...
Father: "You see that?" Navin: "Yeah." Father: "That's shit. And this, "shinola." Navin: "Shit, shinola." Father: "Son, you're going to be all right."
Driver: "St. Louis?" Navin: "No, Navin Johnson." Driver: "No, do you want a lift to St. Louis?" Navin: "Oh! O.k., thanks!"
"Lord loves a workin' man... Don't trust whity... See a doctor and get rid of it."
Police Chief Grady: "Sorry about the delousing, Rod. It's standard procedure." Farva: "It's powdered sugar." Police Chief Grady: "The lice hate the sugar. Listen, Rod--" Farva: "It's delicious." Police Chief Grady: "Uh, good."
"Son of blocking bastard!"
Ray Tango: "Hmm, There's a party on the roof." Cash: "Can I invite Mr. Potato Head here?" Tango: "Sure, It wouldn't be a party without Potato Head."
Gary: "Okay, a limosine that can fly. Now I have seen everything." Spottswoode: "Really? Have you seen a man eat his own head?" Gary: "No." Spottswoode: "So then you haven't seen everything."
"Shoot them down, like dogs."
"See you're assuming I won't shoot your sorry ass, and everyone knows when you make an assumption, you make an ass out of you and umption."
Wallace: "She told me about the letters." Minister of Defence: "Letters, what letters?" Wallace: "The letters, she told me about them. I know all about the letters. How do you think I know? She told me. That's how I found out."
Policeman 1: "So, what's the pay like then?" Wallace: "They pay all your expences, you're licensed to kill, but there's a downside." Policeman 1: "What's that?" Wallace: "Torture."
"Stay where you are. I prefer to handle this alone."
"It's okay, it's not that big of a deal. Somebody help me, I've got a bag of fingers here!"
"He hates these cans! Stay away from the cans!"
Gary: "We gotta come up with a slogan. A slogan, you know, like, uh, 'Life is like a box of chocolates.' Or, 'Take my hands, boss,' like that monster tard from The Green Mile." Steve: "'Monster Tard'? What's wrong with you?" Gary: "What? Since when did 'tard' become politically incorrect?" Steve: "Good night, Uncle ...
Steve: "So, in summation-- Hey, Rudy, come on, stick with me here." Rudy: "Okay, okay. Wrap it up."
Patty: "What is she, some great piece of ass?" Navin: "She's no great piece of ass."
Winston: "Steve, go ahead, ask me any movie." Steve: "Um, Jaws." Winston: "That's a great movie."
"Sorry, I'm not very good with people."
Sound of toilet overflowing followed by its burp.
"This is Africa, dear boy. Sweating is what we do."
Thurman: "What exactly are you doing in the United States, Mr. Navorski?" Viktor Navorski: "Yellow taxicab, please. Take me to Ramada Inn, 161 Lexington." Thurman: "Staying at the Ramada Inn?" Viktor: "Keep the change."
"She looked at me!"
Viktor: "You-- You have two stamp: one red, one green." Torres: "So?" Viktor: "So, I have chance to go to New York 50-50."
"Put it down! You ty to take my mop. You try to take my floor. It's my job. Stay off my floor. Stay away from my mop. If you touch it again, I kill you."
"Slap hands! Slap hands!"
Dean Acheson: "What happened in there?" Gen. Maxwell Taylor: "I thought he was going to give us his decision." McGeorge Bundy: "Look, I know them. They just need to make sure there's no other way. They'll get there." Dean Acheson: "Remember, the Kennedy's father was one of the architects of Munich. There's only o...
"Say one of their ships resists the inspection, and we shoot out it's rudder, and board. They shoot down one of our planes, in response. So, we bomb one of their anti-aircraft sites. In responce to that, they attack Berlin. So, we invade Cuba, and they fire their missiles, and we fire ours."
Enrique: "He-- He cheats." Viktor: "Um-hmm." Enrique: "You say, cheats..." Viktor: "He chit." Enrique: "...not chit. No, no, cheat." Viktor: "Enrique, you, no chit." Enrique: "No cheat." Viktor: "No chit." Enrique: "Yeah, yeah, yeah, I won't-- I won't cheat, not chit." Viktor: "She is a nice-- nice girl. Sh...
Enrique: "I checked it out. There were witnesses. Those are Cher's panties. Ready?" Mulroy: "Hurry up." Viktor: "So, will we share the panties?" Enrique: "No, no, no." Mulroy: "Not if I win."
Nigel: "You can't fucking concentrate because your fucking wife! Simple as that, alright? It's your fucking wife!" David: "She's not my wife." Nigel: "Well whatever fuck she is, alright? You can't concentrate!"
"This is our monthly "At Ease" weekend. It gives us a chance to, kind of, let our hair down, although I see you all have a head start on... These haircuts wouldn't pass military muster, believe me. Although, I shouldn't talk. I'm, my hair's getting a little shaggy too. I'd better not get too close to you, they'll th...
"So I'm a hero...I was shot twice in the Tribune. I read where you were shot five times in the Tabloids. It's not true...he didn't come anywhere near my Tabloids."
"So I'm a hero."
Lt. Hookstratten: "Uh, I would like to get the playing on about 1900 hours if that's satisfactory. " Derek: "When would that be?" Lt. Hookstratten: "I make it now, it's about 1830 hours." Derek: "So, that's what, 50 hours?" David: "120 hours?" Lt. Hookstratten: "That's actually about 30 minutes. About a half hou...
"(Asked by a reporter if this is the end of Spinal Tap) Well, I don't-- I don't really think that the end can be assessed, uh, as of itself as being the end because what does the end feel like? It's like saying when you try to extrapolate the end of the universe, you say, if the universe is indeed infinite, then how...
Marty: "Do you feel that playing rock 'n' roll music keeps you a child? That is, keeps you in a state of arrested development?" Derek: "No. No. No. I feel it's like, it's more like going, going to a, a national park or something. And there's, you know, they preserve the moose. And that's, that's my childhood up the...
Spinal Tap plays Big Bottom at Fidelity Hall, Philadelphia
"Stop making fun of me."
Bobby: "So that's what opening up a can of whoop ass feels like?" Coach Klein: "Son, you just opened a whole case of whoop ass."
"So that's what opening up a can of whoop ass feels like?"
"So, allow me to say this to you one more time: You're fired."
Sam Gerard: "Stand on those people till one of them speaks." Cosmo: "I'm on it."
Biggs: "Alright, so what do you want us to do you know we're exhausted. We haven't slept for two days." Sam Gerard: "Stay on the trail, you can sleep next month."
"Seriously though, I swear to god, I'm really uncomfortable now. It's time you should go."
Van: "Okay, we're just going to do a little word assoiation here. Say the first thing that comes to mind. Milk." Taj: "Tit! Oh, Mommy. Most Indians would say "cow" because they are sacred, but I hear "milk," I think giant Jugs."
"Sweet Joseph, my son is a fairy."
Ms. Haver: "Oh yeah, that's the shit." Van: "Hey, guess what? I'm feeling a little cold sore come on. Maybe we shouldn't do this for three to six weeks." Ms. Haver: "Shut up bitch, and give me some sugar."
Ray: "Why don't you drive for a bit, huh?" Robbie: "I don't have a license." Ray: "Since when has that stopped you?"
"Guys. I know Ms. Pac Man's special. She's fun. She's cute. She swallows. But we got to talk guys."
Gwen: "So, the deal is, I score, you cooperate and answer all my questions. I miss..." Van: "Dinner for two. Me and you. (The puck drops.) Clothing optional."
Maverick: "She was a fighter pilot in a war zone. She didn't need help from you, or anybody. She never existed." Maniac: "You listen to me, don't you ever play that stupid game with me. You hear me?"
"Some friendly reminders by the State Of Minnesota penal system."
"Shoot and gut every animal in the park. Their stomachs might contain something that could be a clue. Donate the meat to charity...hides could be turned into warm socks for the poor...and...grind up the bones for dog food. I want nothing wasted."
"Hey, Steve, uh, could you get us a couple sandwiches?"
"Said perimeter to extend downstream from Brookport to Mound City. Every bridge across the Ohio river from Gulconda to Metropolis to Carro needs to be closed down. Extending south from the Alexander and Poleski county lines have every house, hotel, hospital, backroad, and backwater searched for Mr. Mark J. Roberts."
Jim: "Okay, before we get started, I have one question. Has anyone here passed a Series Seven exam?" Series Seven Kid: "I have a Series Seven license." Jim: "Good for you. You can get out too." Series Seven Kid: "What? Why?" Jim: "We don't hire new brokers here. We train new ones. That's it, Skippy. Pack y...
"What do you mean, you're gonna pass. Alan, the only people making money passing are N.F.L. Quarterbacks and I don't see a number on your back."
Seth: "(Phone rings) Hello?" Ron from the Daily News: "Hi, Mr. Dahvis, this is Ron from the Daily News. How you doin' this morning?" Seth: "It's Davis, and I'm not interested." Ron: "Okay, I'm sorry to have bothered you. Have a nice day." Seth: "Wait a minute. Wait, that's your pitch? You consider that a...
Seth: "What's up?" Greg: "Yeah, you need help?" Seth: "With what?" Greg: "Gettin' into the fuckin' child's seat, come on, shotgun." Seth: "Oh."
"Do me a favor, shut your fucking mouth, okay? I'm not talkin' to you."
Kit: "Get my door just as fast as you get Tom Hanks'. Wait, wait, wait. Who are you?" Bowfinger: "Isn't there supposed to be a script delivery from Paramount?" Kit: "I ain't expect no script from Paramount." Bowfinger: "I mean Universal." Kit: "Maybe so, come on." Bowfinger: "Gotta have you sign."
Bowfinger: "It's all good. It's all good. It's uh, this script is butta." Kit: "What?!" Bowfinger: "Butta, butta. This stuff is butta. It's uh, it's uh, it's uh, it's all good, it's uh, jiggy baby." Kit: "Wait, wait, wait, hold on. How do you know it's all good and jiggy baby?" Bowfinger: "Well I was rea...
Bowfinger: "Would you, uh, be willing to show your naked rear end in a movie?" Jiff: "Yeah, I guess so. Yeah."
Alex: "This is our driver." Jonthan: "(Dog barks and he screams)" Alex: "Please do not be distressed. This is only driver's seeing-eye bitch." Jonthan: "Wait, he's blind?" Alex: "No, only he thinks this."
"Will you shut up, lady!"
"And then suddenly it is upon you."
"You're gonna fuckin' kill me man... I got shit to do tomorrow."
"So why don't you STEP THE FUCK BACK before I bitch slap your fuckin' hiney."
Moses: "So uh, what do you think? Me... You... The old lady... a little sandwich action." Charles: "What... What do you mean?" Moses: "Yah come on, You're a piece of white bread... She's a piece of white bread... I'm a salami. Let's give it a shot?" Charles: "Well she's not eating sandwiches, she's on a die...
"(phone rings)" Rollo: "(wakes up) "Yes?" Vince: "Hello Rollo" Rollo: "Yes." Vince: "Vince here. You having dinner?" Rollo: "Dinner? It's 2:00 in the morning." Vince: "Oh, were you asleep?" Rollo: "Ah, yes I frequently am at 2AM I'm afraid. Filthy habit I picked up in the far east." Vince: "O...
Rollo: "I mean, some of tho... some of those sponsorship gimmicks are a bit sexsessive... exsesexess" Willa: "Excessive." Rollo: "That's it. Freudian slit... slut... sort... uh?" Willa: "Slip." Rollo: "Slip."
"You're sleeping with one victim, you're dating another, and you actually found a third."
"You so stupid that you didn't even know that you stole 25 million dollars from the Cuban mafia?"
"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bow, without ever having felt sorry for itself."
"No split-tail's getting through this program. No way Jose."
"SUCK MY DICK!"
Bo Catlett: "You must bring something heavy to the deal. " Chili Palmer: "I do, Me! "
"And what is it we're so afraid of? Loss, what else? The bank closes. We get sick. My wife died on a plane. The stock market collapsed. What of these things happened? None of them. We worry anyway. Why?"
Beaver: "Fuck me Freddy, gimme some air!" Professor Gary "Jonsey" Jones: "We got any gas masks handy? We need a biohazard team in here."
Pete: "I ought to warn you. We get up there, I'm gonna strangle this broad." Dr. Henry "H" Devlin: "If I had to guess, I'd say she's already dead." Pete: "I don't care; I'll strangle her anyway. She almost got us both killed."
Shelley: "Fuck, send me out! Come on, give me leads! Williamson, send me out!" John: "The leads are coming." Shelley: "Get 'em to me."
"What I'm saying to you is that things chance. And that's where you fuck up because you don't know you can't look back. You don't see who's coming. Maybe it's someone new, huh? Maybe it's someone else, but you don't know, you can't look back because you don't know your history."
"That's the saddest story I've ever heard."
Mayor Stuey Duey: "Whitey, tonight for the first time in years, your partner, Davey Stone, actually did a good thing for this community." Eleanore: "What'd he do, steal beer for everyone?"
"He looks as if, as if he knows what I look like without my shimmy!"
"Sand's overrated. It's just tiny little rocks."
Patrick: "It's not really that bad. I mean, what? What? Get that look off your face. What's wrong?" Stan: "Patrick, you stole a girl's panties! (They both start laughing)"
"There's someone here. He stole your underwear."
Garlick: "(Starter Cranks) It's already started." Cronauer: "I understand." Garlick: "(Giggles)"
"You know, I...it wouldn't kill you people to salute me once in a while."
"You know, I hate the fact that you people never salute me. I am a lieutenant and would like salutes occasionally. That's what being a higher rank is all about."
Cronauer: "If you're walking down the streets of New York and someone says, "Hey! Excuse me. I would like to buy some cheese and some butter." No, no, come on. Basically, we talk, "Hey, man, what's happening? Oh, you look hip today. Slip me some skin." Now, if someone in America comes up and says, "Slip me some skin...
Tuan: "You forget the girl." Cronauer: "Oh, I'll let her say no." Tuan: "She is say no. That is what walking away from you means." Cronauer: "Hey, I'm interested in the girl. I'm not interested in you playing Dear Abby." Tuan: "I know because she's my sister." Cronauer: "I would, however, love to buy ...
"(a little "I Feel Good" by James Brown plays.) So good. Ow! Ahhhhh! Tell 'em, James. Hurt 'em, now. Ha-ha! Good God, help me! Work through it. Ow!"
Cronauer: "Wilkie, something special, okay? You go into a restaurant, okay? A waitress comes up to you. You're wearing your best new suit. She comes up, she spills soup all over you, looks at you like, "Eh, I'm sorry. What are you gonna do about it, asshole?" What do you say to her? What would you say? The spilled s...
Cronauer: "You want to see a movie or something?" Trinh: "We must to ask the people." Cronauer: "Hey' that's no problem. Attention shoppers. People. People, settle."
Lt. Hauk: "Sir, you heard from the men who don't like my humor, but what about the silent masses who do? And as far as polkas, they are a much-maligned musical taste." Gen. Taylor: "Lieutenant, you don't know if you're shot, fucked, powder-burned or snake-bit. I don't care about polkas."
"(Starter Grinds.) It's a simple rule. If the engine's humming, it's already started."
Cronauer: "(Starter Grinding) Staggers the imagination." Garlick: "Makes me unique, doesn't it?" Cronauer: "What a plus."
Alex: "Where's the bong?" Yuri: "Alex, you forgot smoking lamp."
Alex: "Your bed in a car." Jeff: "Yeah, but it's a fucking sweet car."
"I think he fucking shattered it."
Bobby: "I'm challenging you, Jeff." Jeff: "To what game?" Bobby: "A little 'Dance Dance Revolution.'" Jeff: "That's great, Bobby but we don't have 'Dance Dance Revolution,' so you're dumb."
Barry: "No alcohol? This place sucks!" Shiloh: "Hey, fella. Give it a chance. We do serve shots... of wheatgrass." Jeff: "That's cool, if you wanna be sober and vomit."
"Okay, now your energy is really scaring me."
"This weed was the shiz-nittle-bam-snip-snap-sack"
"I'm somebody's bitch."
"That's too bad man. I just stopped smoking yesterday. (takes another hit)"
"And the money we do have is not for spending. It's for saving... Kenny's sweet virgin ass man."
"Huh huh huh, sucks to be you man!"
"Seven schools in seven states and the only thing different is my locker combination."
"Frankly, I stank."
Madam Mambuza: "Stop banging those drums." Bongo Player: "I'm sorry. I didn't even know you could hear that."
Carol Spencer: "Jessica, honey, is everything all right?" Jessica (Rob Schneider): "Yes, Mother. It's just a spider. A really big, disgusting spider."
"Oh, sick! Sick!"
April: "So, uh..." Jessica (Schneider): "What?" April: "Do you really have a penis?" Jessica (Schneider): "April!" April: "Can I see it?" Jessica (Schneider): "What is the matter with you? I don't think you get the gravity of the situation here." April: "You're right. You're right. I'm sorry. I'm s...
Jessica (Schneider): "Wow! That is so good." Yogurt Guy: "Th-That's $8.95." Jessica (Schneider): "What? Aren't you just gonna take it out of your tip jar? 8.95?" Yogurt Guy: "Yeah." Jessica (Schneider): "I got that."
"You think you're so cool cause you can pee with your penis. Get a new conditioner. Your ends are totally split."
Marlon: "Well, we thought maybe she needed some help." Fitzi: "Yeah, we're helpful guys." Marlon: "So we went into the alley, and then she starts wailing on me. And let me tell you... she didn't hit like a girl. Luckily, Fitzy, the good guy that he is... He was hiding behind a dumpster with a video camera." ...
Billy: "She's the only girl that makes my heart beat faster and slower at the same time. When I'm not with her... I'm not living. I'm only existing until I can hold her in my arms again." Jessica (Schneider): "(Sighs)" Jake: "Gay, gay, gay, gay."
"You will go with the crew. The officers and I will submerge beneath you, and scuttle the ship."
"You know there is a saying, a very old saying. When the pupil is ready, the master will appear. Now if you want to kill this man, I can help you and I can teach you how. How to move, how to think, how to take your revenge with honor, and live to celebrate it. But it will take dedication and take time."
"But Andrew, I have taught you everything you need to survive. But now I must look to my own heart. Elena is all I have left. I'm not going to loose her again."
(The song from Rock Fight of the Century in Up In Smoke that Cheech and Chong play.)
Cheech singing a clip from 'Born in East L.A.'
"I never smoked no shit like that before."
"OK start it up."
"Justin Redman ready and super-psyched!"
Peter: "Well, you are very attractive for a banker." Kate Veatch: "Thank you, I'm not a banker, I'me a lawyer." Peter: "Really? And what kind of law are you involved in, Pretty Eyes?" Kate: "Sexual harassment, mostly."
Kate: "Mr. La Fleur, I can assure you this is a very serious situation." Peter: "No, I, look-- This is extreamly serious, Mrs uh, Veatch." Kate: "It's Ms. I'm gonna need to review all your financial statements and assess any tax liabilities there may be." Peter: "Uh, absolutely. I don't know how you say Ms for a ...
"Your gym is a skidmark on the underpants of society."
White: "I have shareholders. You haven't even got cup holders." Peter: "Why would I want cup holders?"
"There's no reason we need to be shackled by the strictures of the employee-employer relationship, unless of course you're into that kind of thing, in which case I got some shackles in the back. I'm just kiddin' but seriously, I've got 'em."