"If I'm not mistaken, you didn't fuck her, she fucked you."
"Don't be mad E. It's not our fault you were born without the sport fucking gene, come on."
Drama: "So she wouldn't even blow you?" Turtle: "Or give you a nice tug?" Drama: "That's bullshit." Turtle: "You know you act like a priest for three months, atleast the girl could do is service you."
"So there are different shifts. Like on a Shiek's pleasure yaught."
Elisa: "I get a ring on my finger for one day and I start acting like Glenn Close in Atraccion Fatal. Liz: "Oh that is a whole different title here." Elisa: "Lemon, isn't there a Slanket somewhere you should be filling with your farts?"
"Three risotto, one scallop, after that two scallop, two risotto. Speed up you!" Ben: "Yes chef!" Gordon: "Speed up yes?" Ben: "Yes chef!"
Mmm. Mmm. Memories, light the corners of my mind Misty watercolor memories of the way we were. Scattered pictures of the smiles we left behind smiles we give to one another for the way we were. Can it be that it was all so simple then or has time rewritten every line? If we had the chance to do it all again tell me ...
"And in a move that has stunned Washington D.C. long time Pennsylvania Republican Senator Arlen Specter has switched parties. He is the first Republican Senator to switch teams since Senator Larry Craig."
Dispatcher: 911, you (undiscernable) Burke: Yep, I need a, (stuttering) an ambulance right away. Dispatcher: And what's going on there? Burke: I was, uh, playing with a gun, I didn't know it was loaded, it went off, and I've hit my wife. Dispatcher: OK. Burke: It was in the head. She's all right; it just cut he...
"Congressman Michele Bachmann of Minnesota seems to have another idea of who to blame for this swine flu outbreak. I find it interesting that it was back in the 1970s that the swine flu broke out then under another Democrat president Jimmy Carter. And I'm not blaming this on President Obama, I just think it's an int...
"I'm actually a Spanish tutor, board certified. Duermo tarde espanol, una hora mas, no rillar me coche."
As a child I had a prized pig that I thought was my best friend. But then one day I picked up one of her piglets - she went crazy! She bit off my nut sac that I kept tied around my belt to feed squirrels.
Colbert: "Now listen, listen to President Obama's criteria for picking Souter's replacement." Barack Obama: "I view that quality of empathy, of understanding and identifying with people's hopes and struggles as an essential ingredient for arriving at just decisions and outcomes." Colbert: "Now I was puzzled by the w...
Andy: "Hey I'm Andy Samberg, host of the 2009 MTV movie awards. And here's the best fight nomination for your consideration. It's me in Slaughter Shack." Eagleheart: "Barry." Barry: "Eagleheart." Eagleheart: "I thought I told you to die." Barry: "Fuck you. You scratched me." Eagleheart: "Wait one second, one second....
Andy Samberg: Oh dang.. Justin Timberlake:What is it dawg? AS: I forgot it’s Mother’s Day. JT:Didn’t get a gift for her. AS: Other plans got in the way. She’ll be so dissappointed. JT: Damn I forgot it too. AS: This could have been avoided. Both: What the hell are we gonna do? JT: My mom’s been so forlorn ...
Space, the Final Frontier.
"Even Senator McCain, Senator McCain gave you grief about the new helicopters you didn’t order. I think Mr. McCain was just a little bitter because he wanted to be in the new helicopter. But you should have told Mr. McCain, Mr. McCain I’m sure if you ask nicely your wife will buy you a helicopter."
“How dare you people give [Michelle Obama] grief about showing her arms. The country’s broke! Sleeves cost money!"
"These days we could not be closer. In fact, the second she got back from Mexico she pulled into a hug and gave me a big kiss. (Laughter.) Told me I'd better get down there myself."
"In the next hundred days, I will learn to go off the prompter and Joe Biden will learn to stay on the prompter."
There's a monster outside my room. Can I have a glass of water?
"Now this is how much it has changed in a week, what a panicky nation this is. In one week we went form the hell pox and now the CDC is having to warn people not to have swine flu parties. I swear to god, people were having swine flu parties where they would infect each other on purpose to build up the immunity. I'm...
"She freaked me out cause she was so scared, she acted like I was going to hurt her something."
"Just what do you think you're doing, Dave? Dave, I really think I’m entitled to an answer to that question. I know everything hasn’t been quite right with me, but I can assure you now very confidently that it’s going to be alright agin. I feel much better now, I really do. Look, Dave ... I can see you're really ups...
Ryan: Shanna thanks for coming on, how are you doing? Shanna: Hey Ryan, how are you? Ryan: I’m okay. What a week for you? Shanna: You know it’s been a rough couple of months…weeks excuse me. Ryan: That’s okay. So listening to all those statements it begs the question, why did you resign and why not do it before tha...
It has the Star Trek traditional 3 note iconic tones.
"You know how quickly the boys found you. All those tedious, sticky fumblings in the back seats of cars, while you could only dream of getting out. Getting anywhere, getting all the way to the F ... B... I."
"For instance we have the sneezing unicorn…"
"Soon, millions of people will see me and they'll all like me. I'll tell them about you, your father, how good he was to us. Remember? It's a reason to get up in the morning. It's a reason to lose weight. To fit in a red dress. It's a reason to smile. It makes tomorrow alright."
"Stop touching yourself."
"Just shut the fuck up for 30 seconds."
"Come here you fat mouthed little stupid bitch."
"Fucking useless sack of shit."
"You're sweating in the fucking food?"
Why don't you come up sometime 'n see me?
Well, here's another nice mess you've gotten me into!
Magic Mirror on the Wall, who is the Fairest one of all?
All right, Mr. De Mille, I'm ready for my closeup
Remember, the Force will be with you...always
"I am big. It's the pictures that got small."
"Get busy livin' or get busy dyin'. (That's goddamn right.)"
Announcer: Susan Boyle! Susan: Midnight Not a sound from the pavement Has the moon lost her memory? She is smiling alone In the lamplight The withered leaves collect at my feet And the wind begins to moan Every streetlamp Seems to beat a fatalistic warning Someone mutters And the streetlamp gutters And soon it w...
Niggy this is the 15th motha fucking time that I called and left yo ass messages!
"It's a bet, Sara Lee."
Stephanie: "I'll be Stephanie Takiami" Howard: "And I'll be Harry Tanner."
"You are such a woman."
"Fuck Bill O'Reilly."
Robert Jensen: "So he had this girl who knows you." Snoop Dogg: "My lawyer. She used to be my background singer." Robert Jensen: "Really?" Snoop Dogg: "I got females everywhere I got 'em working for me." Robert Jensen: So she was sticking up for you." Snoop Dogg: "She was riding for her pimp."
"She was riding for her pimp."
Robert Jensen: "He's a wise guy." Snoop Dogg: "Suck my dick."
"Suck my dick."
Triumph: "…is the key." Conan: "For you to poop on?" Triumph: "No, shut up you hockey puck. Not for you or anybody else to poop on."
"I listened to it last night, I haven’t had so much fun since the doctor chopped my nuts off."
"Beautiful day, am I right? Oh my god. So nice today that OJ Simpson was stealing sun block. Alright, alright, come on, lets go, I know you got it, lets go, come on."
"You know what? Earlier today President Bush addressed the General Assembly at the UN and he was coolly received by a skeptical audience. Oh I get that every night, big deal."
"But I would like to say a couple of words about Ahmadinejad. How about short and ugly."
"Uh, but it was great to have Kathie Lee back on the show, it was as if she never left. In fact they told Regis she never left."
"Whoa! How about that Rosie O'Donnell? How many folks have purchased and read the new book, the new Rosie O'Donnell book? How many of you…ok. Sounds like a best seller already."
"Uh, Senator Larry Craig wants to withdraw his plea, he pleaded guilty and he wants to withdraw that plea. And I was thinking, well ya know, what he should have withdrawn was his foot from the other guy's stall."
"Slip daddy some cash and the Showcase Showdown wheel lands wherever you want."
"Sleeping until noon and playing golf all day? Come on down!"
"Have to eat your dinner without utensils because everyone's on suicide watch."
"So-called turkey is wearing a dog collar."
"Alright guys, when one of us stopped playing we all stop playin cause that mean the song's over. When one of us starts playing that means the next song's startin."
"You can't kick me out again! I'm on Earl's list. Here right between I've been wasteful and slept with Ralph's mom."
"If there's a top 10 of topics a man never wants to discuss with another man, I bet sorry I slept with your mom ranks number 2. Right after sorry, I slept with your dad."
"The string came outta my sweatpants, gonna be an all nighter. The Chinese are on the march. I'm on hold with Mike from Bombay, he's tryin to walk me through the new toaster. Randy got out, gotta go find him. I have to drive 3 counties over to get some rubbers."
"What better way to get on a the team that can win the World Series and stick it to the Yankees. So I see this happening."
Mike: "Tony, a British study says swearing at work can improve moral." Tony: "I'm Tony Kornheiser and that's why everyone around us is always so happy. Cause we curse all the time kiddies." Mike: "That's right. 4 letter words and hyphenated words with undetermined number of letters flying back and forth." Tony: "Tha...
"This is succeeding in making Torre a sainted figure."
"Shut his microphone off."
Tony: "I'm Tony Kornheiser." Mike: "I'm Mike Wilbon. Same time tomorrow knuckle heads."
"Wilbon is out in Phoenix sucking up to the Suns."
Dan: "Are you wearing a shawl? Is that a women's scarf you're wearing?" Tony: "Barbara Streisand graduated High School in this."
"That is so great right there. So great."
Tony: "Jackie Chan has recorded the official anthem of the Beijing Olympics titled We Are Ready. Do you like that?" Dan: "That can't be good. Isn't that like having Steven Seagal do here if we had the games here."
"She's very goooood."
"We run, we jump, we swim and play. We row and go on trips. But the things that last forever are our dear friendships. Camp Anawanna, we hold you in our hearts. And when we think about you it makes me wanna fart! --"It's 'I hope we never part' Now get it right or pay the price!" Now we will share a lifetime of the ...
"Shut up, dummy."
Barack: "And may I say, you make a lovely bride." Bill: "She's a witch." Hillary: "Bill!"
"It is such a thrill to be here hosting Saturday Night Live."
"Finally sweater weather!"
Betty: "Did you hear? Those California fires started by man, not nature." Jodi: "Yeah, some jerk woke up, got out of bed, put his pants on and said 'You know what I'm gonna do today, I'm gonna light a fire and ruin a bunch of people's lives."
"I would also grab my husband but I would also have to grab the TV set. Because that would be the only way to lure him out because he's so dumb."
"You know where there's never going to be a fire, my bedroom. Cause ever night my husband watches ESPN. If I have to hear that Sport center song one more time I'm gonna kill myself. Every night."
"Well I'm specifically asking you right now not to be such a bone."
Brian: "The first thing I like to do each morning when I get to NBC's 30 Rockefeller Plaza headquarters and stand out side the building and wait for somebody to recognize me." Guy: "Hey , Stone Philips." Brian: "Hey, close enough."
"During the Democratic Debate Tuesday night, Senator Joe Biden criticized the Republican Candidate Rudy Giuliani saying there's only three things he mentions in a sentence, a noun, a verb and 9/11. Giuliani later responded saying Joe Biden sucks 9/11."
"The Missouri Highway patrol has been testing a new scanning device that can detect the presence of meth with only the click of a button…it's call a flashlight."
"A hunter in Iowa is recovering after he was shot in the leg at close range by his dog. One witness says he's never seen Mallard Ducks laugh so hard."
"I mean really. Or are you just afraid that if gay marriage is legalized there will be fewer single gay guys trying to have sex in airport bathrooms. I mean really."
"The jury in the Isiah Thomas sexual harassment case found the Knicks' coach guilty Tuesday and awarded Anucha Browne Sanders 11 million dollars in punitive damages. Browne Sanders would have gotten more from the Knicks but she's not a washed up shooting guard with bad knees."
"You smoke it!"
Abigale: "I bet I know just who'd you like to squeeze those lemons for you, Mad Joe Dixie." Delila: "Abigale Maryweather!"
"Ladies and Gentleman Seth Rogen!"
"You were with me in the year 2000 when the Zarkons attacked North America and I was named General of the Intergalactic Army. The space wars were a trying times for all of us. The Zarkons outnumbered us 400 to 1. Goes on for a while about the space wars. A lot of space wars."
"Finally after 2 years in court it's official. Kevin Federline is slightly more responsible than Britney Spears. And that's not just my opinion anymore, it's the law. My lawyers put it in the constitution and what not."
"On the campaign trail I'll use a stand in and I'll sleep in my trailer."
"I made out with Kevin Parker and he told everyone that I smelled like Doritos."
"For once I don't have to sing for my supper either."
Dona: "Sinatra is overrated." Carlo: "Oh!"
"See you next time on Oh!"
"Well you know what. Why don't I show you around."
"Yesterday, Al Gore won the Nobel Peace Prize with his work with the environment. Then in a stunning reversal the Supreme Court awarded it to George Bush."
"Iconoclasts, Bjork and Charles Barkley. Watch sparks fly as two great minds meet for the first time."
Charles: "Did you drive here?" Bjork: "I brought my wheel." Charles: "Shotgun!"
"Sha and monkeys might fly out of my butt."
"I know all there is to know about the crying game, I've had my share of the crying game."
Together: "Roll call! cha cha butchee, cha cha cha butchee roll call." Arianna: "I'm Arianna, I have team spirit, I don't do drugs, so check me out." Together: "Cha cha butchee, cha cha cha butchee Roll call." Craig: "My name is Craig, I did drugs once, I am a spartan, so check me out."
Together: "U.G.L.Y. you ain't got no alibi. Your ugly, hey hey your ugly. K.I.N.G. You can't take my king from me your ugly.Yeah yeah your ugly. Not cute. Spartan spirit, Spartan spirit."
Together: "Well you want a victory, well that makes you a wisher, cause on thing is for sure you ain't no Bobby Fischer. Bobby Fischer were is he I don't know! I don't know! Bobby Fischer were is he I don't know! I don't know! Go ask your momma and make sure you listen,cause one thing is for sure Bobby Fischer's mis...
Craig: "Hey! Who's that Spartan in my tepee." Arianna: "It's me! It's me!" Craig: "Who's that Spartan in my tepee." Arianna: "It's me! It's me!" Together: "Ah huh Ah huh ah huh ah huh ah huh. Native Americans!"
Arianna: "Glenn it's ok to explore your body." Craig: "Safe sex is in your hands." Together: "Sex can wait masturbate!"
Burt Reynolds: "Yeah well, why don't you give me, ah.. why don'tcha give me Ape Tit for $200." Alex Trebek: "It's not 'Ape Tit.' It's A Petit.. [ shakes head ] ..never mind! Let's just go to 'Animal Sounds' for $600."
"And you, Chris Dodd, whose campaign fund raising efforts I have worked so hard to sabotage. Often with violence or threats of violence."
"Know that Bill and I will be pulling for you from our new positions as respectively United Nations Secretary General and Pope, watching fondly as you finally spread your wings and fly."
"For those of you who don't watch basketball, this past season we went to the NBA finals and we swept the San Antonio Spurs in 4 games. And for those of you who do watch basketball be cool and shut up. There's no reason to ruin it for everybody else."
Auctioneer: "What do you say we start the bidding. Lets begin at $1,000." Penelope: "I just want to bid 5 million, um 500,000, 600,000 dollars so…and also a small treasure chest just to start the auction so. Just to start it…"
"Hey what do you get when you cross a sweater with a knock, knock who's there at the door. A cross between a sweater and a knock, knock. Sweater, I hardly knew her. Sweater, I hardly knew her who. Well that did not go well."
"Enjoy, as the Solid Gold dancers sexy shake it to some of the most un-danceable songs ever written."
"Saturday TV Funhouse, TV Funhouse, TV Funhouse."
Roxie: "Well there was actually a camera there." Kanye: "Sneaky cameras."
LeBron: "But I've always dreamed about getting a diploma." Counselor: "You want a diploma? Alright here, well here you go. Here, I'll sell you mine. There you go. That will be $1 million. Now you only have $200 million left."
"I was your president from 1989 to 1993 and during that time Saturday Night Live made fun of me on a fairly regular basis. Do I have any hard feelings about that? Yes I do."