"How the fuck should I know? If I knew that I wouldn't be seeing a fucking psychiatrist, would I?"
"You sons of bitches!! Awwww, sons of bitches!"
"No moleste un gato spectaularrr!"
"Let's start with our school band playing 'The Stars and Stripes.'"
"I can still sell snakes!"
"A summer without fireworks, is like, uh, I don't know, it sucks ass!"
"Summer sucks ass, Mr. Garrison."
"I am told the event won't begin until the sun goes down and night is upon us..."
"Huh, first graders? Awww, weeeak! Sons of bitches!"
"Just sit here and suck on my balls."
Pat Robertson once said it’s a long downward slide, That will lead to legalizing sex with ducks if two men can stand side by side. God I hope he’s right, Cause if Gay marriage becomes lawful, I’m going to find myself a duck and legally do something awful. Ducks, sex with ducks; we’ll do it in the rain. Ducks, yeah...
Danny: Minotaur, it's a creature of myth. And he got this one out of your mom's closet. Wheeler: She let me keep it after I fucked her.
Are you ready I guess
I dreamed a dream in time gone by When hope was high And life worth living I dreamed that love would never die I dreamed that God would be forgiving Then I was young and unafraid And dreams were made and used and wasted There was no ransom to be paid No song unsung, no wine untasted But the tigers come at night Wit...
I’m a celebrity! Get me out of here! Get me out of here! I’m a celebrity! Get me out of here! Baby, I get paid, I don't volunteer I’m a celebrity! Get me out of here! Get me out of here! Get me out of here! I’m a celebrity! Get me out of here! Baby, I’m TV and I’m on the internet Been around the world and I’m not fi...
"Welcome to the exciting season finale of the Tonight Show."
"You know what's hurtin'? State fairs. The attendance is down so low carnival workers are being forced to molest each other. That's how bad it is."
Jay: "Finish the sentence. From little acorns mighty blanks do grow…" Man: "Squirrels."
"...is just like a normal American poem, except it doesn't rhyme and is totally stupid."
"You do it like this, "SIT DOWN! SHUT UP!""
"I hope this goes on for like, seven months, man."
"I'm not liking the shoes... can we change the shoes?"
"Why don't you not pay attention to Barnaby Jones and lets see how far you get in society."
"Planetariums suck ass!"
"Excuse me, but I do believe that sucked ass."
"... I'm talking Night Court in its fifth season lame! "
"...his only chance at survival is to sneak past the Bosnian guard who stands watch."
"My mom gives me shit sometimes, and I tell her 'Shut her hole before I kick her in the nuts'."
"Yeah, its my body, my mom always gives me shit for smoking."
"In fifteen years you never said whatever to me."
"Don't lie Stan. Lying makes you sterile."
"I'm declaring shenanigans on you! This game is rigged!"
"Soldier boy? Me so horny. Me so horny. Me love you long time."
"Sir, would you take food stamps for 3 balls?"
"Yea, but I didn't take into account that I suck at math!"
"Alright, lets get this show on the road! Come here baby!"
"... so I called a few friends, and we all decided to come over!"
"...would you like some sauerkraut? Yes I would like some sauerkraut!..."
"Well... I'll be sodomized on Christmas!"
"Mr. Twig is far more stable then Mr. Hat was... he's far more stable!"
"...this new song by Alanis Morisette... Stinky Britches, you got stinky Britches!"
"Today I've got Spoooky Spaghetti and Freeeeaky French Fries..."
"Hey! You backstabbing sellout!"
"Kenny... share that blanket with your brother."
"It's all you could afford? Who the ever heard of a Squash-O-Lantern. That's hellastupid."
A 'Superfriends' type of scene transition
Uncle Charlie tells about the 'spirit of the season'
"I don't need this stupid family anyway."
"Gosh, you boys smell like flowers."
"Kenny, I called shotgun."
"Hey Kenny! There's a sale on orange jackets over there!"
"Mom, grandma's gone senile! Time to stick her in a home."
"That's right Terrance, this is the season for sharing! (FART)"
Cartman persuades Kenny to get out of the front seat
Cartman: "We could sing." Kyle: "Yeah, or we could not!"
"Why don't we stick her in a nursing home closer to us so I don't have to drive 6 hours..."
"Here we go kids, we're crossing the state line into Nebraska."
"I don't want your lame ass supper!"
"...and if it doesn't kick ass, and you make me look bad, Mr. Hat is going to smack you bitches up!"
"Its subtle, and mild, mild like the first flash of sun on an April morning."
"There is a possibility that I will be let go and will never be allowed to teach you again."
"They really have my balls in a salad shooter."
Mr. Postem does his Camel Joe coffee pitch
"Jesus dude, I'm the one to blame for all of this. I'm to blame for everything!"
"Which means, I might have to shut down and sell my son Tweek into slavery."
"Man, this stuff is strong... Its kinda bitter."
"We have to do this stupid report so.... so... lets figure out what to do it about."
"(Meow... SLAP) Thanks, see you tomorrow."
"Well this graph shows everythinng from normal to bad. Right now, South Park is here (he points to 'totally screwed')"
"A 29 year old man says he wasn't out to set a record though he certainly holds it in juvenile child support courts in Knox County Tennessee."
Will: "She is a commi." Conan: "Alright stop saying that." Will: "The red benace." Conan: "No stop."
Me And My llama Me and my llama Goin' to the dentist today Seems a little crazy Guess you're just too lazy You gotta get your teeth cleaned today Me and my llama Jumped out of our pajamas And ran off to the dentist today Me and my llama Me and my llama We're goin 'to the dentist ooo-eee Yes, it's just my llama and ...
One two three Four five six Seven eight nine Ten eleven twelve Ladybugs Came to the ladybugs' picnic One two three Four five six Seven eight nine Ten eleven twelve And they all played games At the ladybugs' picnic They had twelve sacks so they ran sack races They fell on their backs and they fell on their faces Th...
Girl: The Sesame Street Little Theater takes pride in presenting a Flower Grown. Oh welcome dear viewer to our little play, We’re ever so glad that you joined us today, And now it is time for our drama to start, For here comes a young man who calls himself Bart, Ernie: Well actually I’m Ernie I’m not Bart at all but...
12. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12. 12! 12! 12! 12! 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12.
Ernie: Hey Bert, are you asleep Bert? Bert? Bert: Not anymore Ernie, what is it? Ernie: Well I can’t sleep Bert. I can’t fall asleep. Bert: Well count sheep then Ernie. Ernie: Count sheep? What do you mean count sheep? Bert: I mean just lie there and count sheep. Imagine them one at a time until you get so sleepy y...
"Stay here, i'll be back."
Somebody come and play Somebody come and play today Somebody come and smile the smiles And sing the songs It won't take long Somebody come and play today Somebody come and play Somebody come and play my way Somebody come and rhyme the rhymes And laugh the laughs It won't take time Somebody come and play today Some...
Hell there. This is your old pal Grover. And today I’m going to talk to you about near and far. In fact I little furry Grover is going to show you near and far. Okay, here it goes. First, this is near. Near. This is far! This is near. You see. Oh, I’ll do it once more for you, okay. This is near. This is far! And th...
A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P, Q, R, S, T, U, V, W, X, Y, Z
I am honored to be with you today at your commencement from one of the finest universities in the world. I never graduated from college. Truth be told, this is the closest I've ever gotten to a college graduation. Today I want to tell you three stories from my life. That's it. No big deal. Just three stories. The fi...
Scrooge McDuck: "How do I get back?" Fortune Teller: "Uh, take subway?" Scrooge McDuck: "The subway? How can a subway travel through time?" Fortune Teller: "Subway very efficient in future."
Nickelodeon Nickelodeon Songs Good morning President Taylor, Board of Trustees, faculty, parents, family, friends, the community of Galesburg, the class of 1955 -- which I understand was out partying last night, and yet still showed up here on time -- and most of all, the Class of 2005. Congratulations on your gradu...
Nancy O'Dell: "She slams Victoria Beckham, pokes fun at Oprah."
You gotta go gotta know gotta whistle gotta rumble gotta sho-u-o-u-out your lungs out! You gotta roll your windows down You gotta rock your socks you gotta roll your soll cause the vocal chords You gotta lose control You gotta roll your windows down You gotta rock your socks you gotta roll your soll cause the voca...
“Ugh. Hey what’s up. Mess around then. Yeah…something. Yeah, alright check it. Check it, You know how I be, Last week Kobe couldn’t do without me. You know how I be, Last week Kobe couldn’t do without me. I call myself Big but I’m not as good as Biggie, I call myself Big because I…next to Diddy, Excuse me, Diddy l...
I have to be smurfing along now.
"Holocaust, did it happen? Yes."
The moment she was born Her mommy and daddy cried Taken by the wonder of life From Barbie dolls to ballet shoes From roller skates to lipstick and rouge She's become a lady overnight Why do I see only flesh and look right past her heart I try to tell myself I can't help what I feel - then I remember She's somebody'...
Phil: Oh so you can't go to Vegas but she can fuck a bell hop on the car of a cruiseline. Stu: Okay first of all, he was a bartender and she was wasted and if you must know, he didn't even come inside her. Phil: And you believe that? Stu: Uh, yeah I do believe that because she's grossed out by semen.
Alan: I shouldn' be here. Doug: Why is that Alan? Alan: I'm not supposed to be within 200 feet of a school. Doug: What? Alan: Or a Chucky Cheese.
Phil: A, that is bullshit and B, she beats him. Doug: Eh, that's his finacee. Phil: It's true, you know it's true. She beats him. Stu: That was twice and I was out of line.
Phil: Not to mention, she fucked a sailor. Doug: He wasn't a sailor, he was a bar tender on a cruise ship. You know that.
Robertson: You got somebody, he's really weird. And, and, and his sexual orientation is he likes to have sex with ducks. Uh, Is he protected under hate crime? Is he protected if he likes to have sex with little boys? Coanchor: (shrug) No Robertson: They, they haven't made that clear. It's "sexual orientation...
John: My name is John…and I’m fortunate enough to be here with my 10 year old daughter who is missing her last day of school for this. I hope she doesn’t get in trouble. Barack Obama: Oh no! Do you need me to write a not. John: I’ll take you up on that actually Mr. President. Barack Obama: Alright go ahead and I’ll...
You get a special call from the President of CBS thanking you for retiring
"I would prefer if people buy it because we have mortgages and things. Um, but you know we won't send the FBI, well we wont but the label might send the FBI after you but we have nothing to do with that."
"I wouldn’t necessarily go as far as call it a single oriented album."
"When you go through the ups and the downs and the good and the bad and life throws things at you sometimes you get beat. You know and we talked about it, to go to the top of our careers to back to the bottom to be now back on top is just something you can't describe and tell you how it feels. This is just the best."
"We can spill some champagne around a little bit."
There are situations where girls find themselves you know almost settling for second best. Or maybe they kiss a guy but really they feel sick to their stomach because they're thinking about that boy that they love back home.
This is CNCB. I don’t remember asking you a god damned question. Gangsta… Through the hood, Soulja Boy… Bump this in my Lambo Bump this in my Lambo Bump this in my Lambo Bump this in my Lambo Top back ride through my old projects, Soulja Boy tellin’ my honey… Pull up in a lambougini, white no… Soulja Boy tellin’…gu...
Announcer: "And now we got a penalty flag. Oh my. I don't understand this." Referee: "Substitution infraction on the offence. 12 men on the field. 5 yard penalty, it remains 4th down."
"I ain't never hurt no body. When does the harping on me stop. You know, all I do is go out there and try to play baseball hard. I think I've done everything in my power to do things the right way."
"The place to be rockin' cuz it's hockey tonight!"
"…the promised land is eight years away. Back to pass goes to Stabler… touchdown Raiders! I can’t even see the receiver…"
"You can tell Yao Ming I said: Chow ching ya ya ying."
And… now there's a steal by Bird, underneath to DJ and lays it down... What a play by Bird. Oh my God. This place is crazy.
"Straight blowing stuff up."
"Straight off the meat rack."
"Hextall, sprawling across to make the save."
"I'm so big sometimes I even scare myself."
"Stabler back to pass…"
"Because the Nature Boy is going to style and profile, and you're going to bleed all night long. Wooh."
"If you smell what the sock is cookin.'
Spencer: "You know the weather man was a little angry, it must have been a cloudy day. Whoa, I'm so sorry for that man. I apologize. I think it's rough being a weather man, you're always having to tell people whether its going to be rainy or cloudy and he felt he had to take it out on Speidi." Heidi: "He was a littl...
Edward: "So the lion fell in love with the lamb." Bella: "What a stupid lamb." Edward: "Sick masochistic lion."
"I'd love a sandwich.."
"Wake up! Socialism is evil! Socialism is evil! You think you’re so smart, you think you know so much."
"Back and biceps is simple old school."
"But it's kind of gotten lost out there in fancy gadgets and stupid things that don't work."
"So I thought it would be silly not to provide that lovely little package for everybody whose doing P90X."
"Why is it not the home page of White House.gov. Are you ashamed? Sir are you ashamed of your friendship with a statue of Superman."
"Space the final frontier."