The soviets are putting medium range, ballistic missiles into Cuba.

McGeorge Bundy, National Security Advisor: "Sunday morning, one of our U-2s took these pictures. The soviets are putting medium range, ballistic missiles into Cuba." Arthur Lundhal: "They appear to be the SS4, range of a thousand miles, 3 megaton nuclear warheads. Seen here in this year's May day parade in Red Squa...

Those Goddamn Kennedys are gonna destroy this country if we don't do something about this.

"Those Goddamn Kennedys are gonna destroy this country if we don't do something about this."

They want a war, Jack, and they're arranging things to get one.

"They want a war, Jack, and they're arranging things to get one."

Talk alone is not going to accomplish anything.

John F. Kennedy: "Acheson's scenario, it's just... It's unacceptable. He's got more experience than anyone." Kenny O'Donnell: "There is no expert on the subject. I mean, there is no wise old men. There's... Shit, there's just us." John F. Kennedy: "The thing is, that Acheson's right, cause talk alone is not going ...

That tone of voice specifically.

White House Operator Margaret: "Yes sir, I understand exactly what you're talking about. I speak the language too. What?" Kenny O'Donnell: "Margaret, would you minnd helping me with something?" White House Operator Margaret: "What do you need honey?" Kenny O'Donnell: "That tone of voice specifically." White House...

That's all there is between us and the devil.

"If the sun comes up tomorrow, it is only because of men of good will. And that's... That's all there is between us and the devil."

Then, you'll need a carton.

Detective Larry McBain: "Man, you're picking up bad habits left and right." Douglas: "Must be the stress." McBain: "Then, you'll need a carton."

They say that deja vu is usually a sign of love at first sight.

"They say that deja vu is usually a sign of love at first sight."

The review for Shark Sandwich was merely a two word review which simply read shit sandwich.

"The review for Shark Sandwich was merely a two word review which simply read shit sandwich."

These go to eleven.

Nigel: "What we do is if we need that extra push over the cliff, you know what we do?" Marty: "Put it up to eleven." Nigel: "Eleven. Exactly. One louder." Marty: "Why don't you just make ten louder and make ten be the top number and make that a litte louder?" Nigel: "These go to eleven."

These go to eleven.

Marty: "Why don't you just make ten louder and make ten be the top number and make that a litte louder?" Nigel: "These go to eleven."

These go to eleven.

"These go to eleven."

There's something about this that's so black - it's like, how much more black could it be?

"I think he's right. There's something about this that's so black-- It's like, how much more black could it be? And the answer is, none."

That tended to understate the hugeness of the object.

"I do not, for one, believe that the problem was that the band was down. I believe the problem may have been that there was a Stonehenge monument on the stage that was in danger of being crushed by a dwarf. Alright? That tended to understate the hugeness of the object."

The T1000 will definitely try to reacquire you there.

John: "Listen, I gotta stop by my house. I want to pick up some stuff." Terminator: "Negative. The T1000 will definitely try to reacquire you there." John: "You sure?" Terminator: "I would."

This is exact - my exact inner structure, done in a tee shirt.

Nigel: "You like this?" Marty: "It's very nice. It looks like halloween." Nigel: "This is exact-- my exact inner structure, done in a tee shirt. Exactly medically accurate. See?" Marty: "So, in other words, if we were to take all your flesh and blood and every..." Nigel: "Take them off. This is what you'd see." ...

The team gets thirsty, and I bring them the water.

"It's just that I'm a waterboy. The team gets thirsty, and I bring them the water. They-They need the water, and I likes to be the one that brings it to them."

Those little cans you've got here, tuna fish.

Nigel: "I'm a real fish nut. I really like fish." Marty: "What kind of fish?" Nigel: "Well, in the United States, you have, uh, cod. I like cod. And I love tuna. Those little cans you've got here, tuna fish. I like that." Marty: "Yeah." Nigel: "No bones!" Marty: "Yeah."

That little dog that chases the covered wagon under the sink?

"That little dog that chases the covered wagon underneath the sink? That was mine."

They are treading water in a sea of retarded sexuality and bad poetry.

Marty: "The musical growth rate of this band cannot even be charted. They are treading water in a sea of retarded sexuality and bad poetry." Nigel: "That's, that's nit picking, isn't it?"

These go to eleven.

Nigel: "One louder." Marty: "Why don't you just make ten louder and make ten be the top... number...and make that a little louder?" Nigel: "...these go to eleven."

The gig is cancelled.

"The gig is cancelled…"

This is where we first met!

"Jack! This is where we first met!"

The woman in the picture is me.

Brock Lovett: "Alright, you have my attention...Can you tell me who the woman in the picture is?" Rose: "Oh, yes...The woman in the picture is me !"

Tacklin' fuel.

Coach Klein: "I want you to think about all those mean people. They're gonna be your tackling fuel." Bobby: "Tacklin' fuel." Coach Klein: "We're gonna use them to play football." Bobby: "Tacklin' fuel."

There are only so many places she could be…find her!

"It's a ship! There are only so many places she could be.... Find her !"

There are 40 of you on this team, not just one.

"We are one family with one dream. There are 40 of you on this team, not just one. Bobby can't do this by himself. Now, get out there and make something happen! Alright, sacrifice your bodies. Go, go, go! (Team cheers and takes the field) Thank you. Bobby, you're gonna have to do this by yourself because there is no...

The other night, I was with my mama and Coach Klein at the same time.

Rita: "Is there a girl you're seein'?" Bobby: "Seein'? Uh, uh, I see a lot of girls. I see a lot of giys too." Rita: "I think that's sexy. You ever been with a guy and a girl at the same time?" Bobby: "Oh, yeah, plenty of times. The other night, I was with my mama and Coach Klein at the same time."

Turn Around!

"Turn Around!"

This is Sick Boy's room.

Van: "This is Sick Boy's room. Not a week's gone by he hasn't come down with some sort of ailment. Shingles, hepatitis, crabs. That was his fault. Matzo ball soup. Jewish penicillin." Sick Boy: "Thanks, Van." Van: "Don't pick at it. Moving on."

Tuition, Van is still in school?

Business Manager: "And another $39,000 for your son's tuition and housing this semester." Vance Winder Sr.: "Tuition, Van is still in school?" Business Manager: "For the better part of a decade."

This is the first time in my life I'm glad I'm deaf.

"This is the first time in my life I'm glad I'm deaf. I can't hear the boos."

This ball is the heart of this institution.

"This ball club is the heart of this institution. You win, it beats. You lose, it breaks. You're not boxing out Big Papa. You're my Windex man. I want you shining glass. Quintin, I want you to D-up out there. Darius, I want you all over that ball like a fat kid on a cupcake. What are you looking at? Your mom called....

Take your clothes off.

Van: "Alright, hey Gwen, alright. You're just in time. Take your clothes off." Gwen: "I'm not taking off my clothes." Van: "Uh, well, it is the naked mile run. Everybody else in in their birthday suits, except that guy."

That guy has got a serious attitude problem.

"That guy has got a serious attitude problem."

This is really a pimping good time.

Taj: "This is really a pimping good time." Van: "Yes it is."

That's I moan backwards.

"Oh oh oh oh oh oh, look who's checking out the Badalandabad. Her name's Naomi. That's I moan backwards."

This party sucks rectum Jeannie.

Jeannie (Emily Rutherfurd): "This party so rocks, Richard." Richard: "This party sucks rectum Jeannie."

This vaginal discharge won't let us partake in the party.

Van: "Whoa! Trick or treat? What's going on?" Richard: "This vaginal discharge won't let us partake in the party." Van: "Graphic."

That's my girlfriend, gluteous erecti.

Van: "You two know each other?" Richard: "That's my girlfriend, gluteous erecti." Van: "You must be premed Dick." Richard: "Yeah, that's right."

That's definitely an order.

Angel: "What did you say?" Maverick: "I said don't you die on me." Angel: "Suggestion or an order?" Maverick: "That's definitely an order."

There's a name for you ladies, but it isn't used in high society...outside of a kennel.

"There's a name for you ladies, but it isn't used in high society...outside of a kennel."

This is some pad you got here.

Professor McDoogle: "Wilder." Van: "McDoogle." Professor McDoogle: "This is some pad you got here. Decorated in early shit."

That fella is going to be dead from snake bite by dark anyhow.

"It makes no difference. That fella is going to be dead from snake bite by dark anyhow."

This is my seat

Jim: "I'm sorry, man. This is my seat." Kid: "Oh, shit. I'm so sorry." Jim: "It's okay. Don't worry about it." Rude Kid: "Fuckin' dumb-ass." Jim: "Get the fuck outta here." Rude Kid: "What?" Jim: "Don't talk to be. Don't look at me. Just pick your ass up out of that Italian leather chair and get th...

The truth is

"The truth is, it doesn't really even matter these days. With the Dow where it is now, everybody wants a piece of the market. I can close anyone anytime anywhere in the country. Just give me a phone number."

Two rules

Greg: "Now there's two rules you have to remember as a trainee. Number one: We don't pitch the bitch here." Seth: "What?" Greg: "We don't sell stock to women. I don't care who it is; we don't do it. Nancy Sinatra calls, you tell her you're sorry. They're a constant pain in the ass and your never gonna hear the...

To do with it

"What I did know is that they had all the money in the world and not a clue what to do with it."

The doctor

Chris: "Hi, Dr. Jacobs? This is Chris Marlin over at J.T. Marlin." Dr. Jacobs: "Marlin?" Chris: "Right. He's my father." Richie O'Flaherty: "He's my mother." Chris: "So, my associate tells me you're interested in one of our stocks." Doctors Secretary: "Your wife's on three." Dr. Jacobs: "I will cal...

Take me off your list

Man on phone: "Take me off your list." Seth: "Fine, fine. I'm gonna take you off my list of successful people today."

Those kids

"And get those kids out of my fuckin' house!"

The feminist

"Why did the feminist cross the road? To suck my fuckin' cock."

To my wife

Harry Reynard: "Yeah, um, I need to talk to my wife." Seth: "No, you don't need to do that, Harry." Harry: "I'll call you right back." Seth: "And, I'm going to lunch in five minutes." Harry: "No, I... I need to talk to her first." Seth: "Tell, me, Harry, uh, you're at work right now, aren't you?" H...

That bitter

"Are you that fucking bitter?"

The standard

"This is not going to be an alternative in the medical world. This is gonna be the standard."

That's it

"That's it. I'm done."

The hard sell

Seth: "Harry, Harry, listen to this." Harry: "Jesus Christ, what's gonig on over there?" Seth: "You see what I'm saying? People know! The whole place is going nuts. It's already up a point, and it just came off the restricted list. Look, I'm advising all my clients to get in on this, and heavy. Don't you see t...

The casino

"I wish my dad could've stepped into the casino just once. He would've had to be impressed: four employees, an organized payroll, huge client list. You know, it's funny looking back. The illegal business I was running was the most legitimate thing I had going. I looked my customers in the eye and provided a service ...

Talking about

"What the fuck are you talking about?!"

To be a star

Daisy: "Is this where I go to be a star?" Bowfinger: "This is where you go to sacrifice, learn your craft, and work hard." Daisy: "Does that take more than a week? Cause I've given myself one week." Bowfinger: "Alright, we'll take a chance. See what's up. See if you have "It." See if you have a special qual...


Jonathan: "Are you my translator?" Alex: "Forgive my speaking of English, Jonathan, as I'm not supreme yet with it."

Taste out of his mouth

Moses: "You see that he's licking me he loves me." Keats: "No, he just licked his balls and now he's trying to get that nasty taste out of his mouth."


Moses: "Is that your wife back there?" Charles: "Yeh." Moses: "Goddamn she's hot!" Charles: "Thank you." Moses: "Yeh, The three of us... We could burn it up together don't you think." Charles: "What do you mean?" Moses: "You know damn well what I mean."

Trained for

"This is what it's all about gentlemen, this is what we trained for"

Table manners

"Bad table manners, my dear Gigi..."

These leads

Dave: "Baby, I can't make a goddamn dollar with these leads, and you're killing my ass on the street." John Williamson: "I'm sorry you aren't happy here." Dave: "Yes, well, that's very cute but you're running this office like a bunch of bullshit. You're on an override-- you make money, we make money." John: "...

Third prize

"As you all know, first prize is a Cadillac Eldorado. Anybody want to see second prize? Second prize is a set of steak knives. Third prize is you're fired."

This is abuse

"You think this is abuse? You think this is abuse, you cocksucker? You can't take this, how can you take the abuse you get on a sit? You don't like it, leave."

There's the door

John: "Gentlemen, you heard the man." Dave: "What is this in aid of?" John: "As of tonight--" Dave: "Now, what is this? Excuse me." John: "Excuse me. What it's in aid of is that Mitch and Murray are finding--" Dave: "Fuck Mitch and Murray! Fuck 'em! I'm doing my job, I got to put up with this childish...

The new leads

"These are the new leads. These are the Glengarry leads. And to you they're gold. And you don't get them. Why? Because to give them to you is just throwing them away. They're for closers."

The good leads

John: "As you heard, end of the month, top salesman on the board gets the Eldorado. Next man down gets the--" Shelley: "What about the good leads?" John: "The leads I've given you." Shelley: "But these leads are shit. They're old-- I've seen that name 100 times." John: "Well, the leads are assigned rando...

Thank you

El Mariachi: "Did I thank you?" Carolina: "No, you didn't." El Mariachi: "Okay....I will."

Take a dump

"Did you ever take a dump, made you feel like you'd just slept for 12 hours?"

The moment

"What I'm saying, what is our life? Our life is looking forward or it's looking back. That's it. That's our life. Where's the moment?"

Things things

Ricky: "Things. Things. You know?" James: "Mm-hmm." Ricky: "It's just you try to stave insecurity. You can't do it." James: "No." Ricky: "No. That's what I'm telling you. Stocks, bonds, objects of art, real estate, what are they? An opportunity. To what? To make money? Perhaps. To lose money? Perhaps. To...

The board

Ricky: "How are you?" George: "I'm fine. You mean the board? You mean on the board?" Ricky: "Uh, yes. Okay. The board." George: "I'm fucked on the board. I can't-- I can't-- See, I ca-- My mind must be on other places, 'cause I can't uh--" Ricky: "What? You can't do what?" George: "I can't close them....

Talk to the cop

"Great, we have tho talk to the cop. Another waste of time."

To dead beats

Ricky: "Whoa, whoa, whoa! Patel? Ravidam Patel? How am I going to make a living on these deadbeats? Where'd you get this from, the morgue?" John: "Look, I'm--" Ricky: "Come on! What's the point? What's the fucking point in any case? I got to argue with you, I got to knock heads with the cops, I'm busting my ba...

The cops aren't going to find the guy

George: "The cops aren't going to find the guy?" Ricky: "Nope." George: "Why do you think so?" Ricky: "Why, because they are stupid. Where were you last night?" George: "Where were you?" Ricky: "Where was I? I was at home." George: "Yeah." Ricky: "I was at home." George: "Where were you?" ...

The machine

Ricky: "Who said 'fuck the machine.'?" Dave: "Fuck the machine? Fuck the machine? Fuck the machine!"

The memory

"You got the memory of a fucking fly!"

The lot of you

"Aw, fuck you! Fuck the lot of you! Fuck you all!"

The worst has happened

"The worst has happened. I'm covered in human feces."

That was gross

"You are right. That was gross."

The spaz

Davey: "Uh-oh, looks like you better start showing the spaz some respect." Brill: "Just keep playing."

The top man

Shelley: "When we were on Rio Rancho, who was the top man, huh? For what, oh, two months, three months? How about eight months, for three years in a row! Huh? On what, luck, was that it, John? Or purloined fucking leads? It was talent!" Ricky: "Yes." Shelley: "Door to door. It's called 'cold calling,' John. Sh...

The first rule

"You wanna learn the first rule you'd know if you ever spent a day in your life? You never open your mouth till you know what the shot is. You fucking child."

Tongue kisses

"And when Benjamin falls asleep the both of you can play Spin the Dreidel for tongue kisses"

Tomorrow without music

"After all...tomorrow is another day! (no ending music)"

Those eyedrops

"I'm still stoned. Those eyedrops you gave me didn't do shit."


"Listen, if you have any problems here now, you come see me. I'm the tallest hog in the trough around here."

The ears

"Who's the guy with the ears? How're you doin'? He could fly to Guam with those."

Too early

"Good Morning, Vietnam! Hey, this is not a test. This is rock and roll. Time to rock it from the delta to the D.M.Z.! Is that me or does that sound like an Elvis Presley movie? "Viva, Da Nang. Oh, viva, Da Nang. Da Nang me, Da Nang me. Why don't they get a rope and hang me." Hey, is it a little too early for being t...

There she is

Cronauer: "There she is. Any girl who wants me this bad, I can't let her down." Jimmy Wah: "Where you go?" Cronauer: "Hunt is on." Jimmy Wah: "What is wrong" Cronauer: "Gotta catch her before she accelerates."

Try that one

Cronauer: "Try that one. Say, "Hey, baby, what's happening? Let's groove."" Vietnamese Student Wilkie: "(trying his best) Hey, baby, wh... what's happening? Let's groove."

The bird

Cronauer: "Let's see. If you say that some people are in a car... some gypsies, they cut you off. All the sudden you..." Class: "Flip them the bird." Vietnamese Student: "The bird!"

That's it

Cronauer: "Hey, that's it for me. I'm out of here. That's the end of the Adrian Cron Hour, but I'm gonna turn you over to Mr. Warmth, Dan 'The Tan' Levitan!" Dan 'The Man' Levitan: "Thank you so much, Adrian."

This tape

Conauer: "Well, I really didn't make that suggestion, sir. I'm sorry." Nixon: "The United States has no right to give..." Lt. Hauk: "Why would Cronauer's voice be on this tape?" Pvt. Abersold: "I don't know, Lieutenant." Nixon: "'s territory to the communists." Conauer: "Mr. Nixon, thank you for ...

The troops

The troops

That's funny

"More dire need of a blow job than any white man in history. That's funny."

The levels

Samantha: "Kane, you are gonna take 1 through 3." Kane: "Whatever you need, Samantha." Samantha: "Barry, you'll cover 4 through 6." Barry: "Yeah, I can do that. No problem. You're great." Samantha: "Jeff, you're already working on 7 through 9, so why don't you just stick with those." Jeff: "Let's do i...

The monkey

Alex: "Where's the monkey now?" Dante: "He's upstairs putting his numchuckus away."


"(Phone ringing) What is that ringing? Do I have a tumor?"

The devil's house

Alex: "You gotta give me a ride." Dante: "I'm way too baked to drive to the devil's house."

The guy

"Kenny called. He's in jail. He didn't leave a number. Sincerely The Guy on the Couch"


Creative Smoker: "I have killed. I have helped kill. I have killed part of myself. I cannot change this. I... I must seek Buddha. I must seek Christ." Thurgood: "You must seek therapy."

The beginning

"This is merely the beginning!"

The devil

"I am the devil"


"My only pleasure is tormenting those people who work for me"

Top five

April: "Nice. Nice. I mean, you know... I've only seen a couple, but that's definitely top five." Jessica (Schneider): "How many have you seen?" April: "Five. Not including my little brother's"

Too mucho

Richie: "Boy, she used to be wild. The sex was great. We'd be going at it, and she could still find a way to twist around and kiss me on the mouth." Jessica (Schneider): "Senor, information too mucho. Emotional scarro... disgusting."

Take that

"Take that shit back to Tijuana!"

That is the gayest thing

Billy: "I mean, when that moment comes... I want it to be perfect." Jake: "Wow. That is the gayest thing I have ever heard."

That dress

"That dress looks great. Is it easy to get out of?"

Those heels

"Come on, buddy! You got to learn to run in those heels if you're gonna wear them."

The Sea

"And the sea will grant each man new hope, as sleep brings dreams of home"..... Christopher Columbus."


"He's liable to ask you some direct questions. Give him direct answers. Tell him what you think."

Tune from Up in Smoke

Cheech doing the tune from 'Up In Smoke'


(The sound of a BIG inhale!)

The Worst

"It was the worst."

The Only Place

"Gar, Joe's be the only place for Steve."

Threw Up In My Mouth

White: "We should mate." Kate: "What?" White: "Date. We should date somethime, you know, socially. Go out and kick it. Are you okay?" Kate: "I'm fine, I just, uh, threw up in my mouth a little bit."


"Oh, right in the testicles!"


Gordon: "Guys, what are we gonna do without Patches?" Dwight: "We're gonna get our taints handed to us, that's what." Justin: "What's a taint?" Gordon: "I don't know. Sounds bad."

The 5 Ds

"Just remember the five D's of dodgeball: Dodge, Duck, Dip, Dive and Dodge."


"Look, Can't you see that someone is tampering with my records"

Taking Over

Dade: "I'm taking over a TV network." Mrs. Murphy: "Well finish up honey and get to sleep."

Two Out of Three

"I want the people to know that they still have two out of three branches of the government working for them, and that ain't bad."

That's Rad

Cotton: "Oh my sweet Jesus." Pepper: "That's rad."

There had been abuse

"There had been abuse in my family, but it was mostly musical in nature."

There's a deception here

"There's a deception here. The audience... they're expecting to see a man who no longer exists."

The accoustics are just perfect

"I'm also a singer. I... I'm not a professional, but I do like to sing in church and, you know, places like juvinile halls. But this... This is the best place to sing in New York and quite possibly the world. The accoustics are just perfect. (He starts to sing 'Ave Maria')

Thank God for model trains

Amber Cole: "Thank God for the model trains." Leonard: "Oh absolutely." Amber Cole: "You know? If they didn't have the model trains, they wouldn't have gotten the idea for the big trains."

Those are apple blossoms

Jonathan Steinbloom: "It says opening night. It says, "I love folk music but I'm not afraid of classical.". It's very beautiful. I'm a little afraid of these pokey things that are sticking out." Lawrence E. Turpin: "Those are apple blossoms." Jonathan Steinbloom: "The apple blossoms, is that what they're called?" La...

That's the dressing

Jerry: "We open with "Old Joe's Place". We go out there, do the song we're known for, we get it out of the way. ANd the, hey, here's the icing on the cake." Alan: "What's the icing?" Jerry: "Well, the icing in the rest of the act." Mark: "That's the cake." Jerry: "No, that's the dressing."

The ideas keep popping

"Say, why don't the ladies bring the coffee? And that's sexual harassment! That was decided in case 126, Johnson vs... Oh, I lkie that. The women, sexual discrimination. I'm not doing much writing, but the ideas keep popping."

The usual suspects

"Round up the usual suspects."

This band rocks

"This band rocks! Yeah!"

To the Louvre!

Jamie: "Guys, we're wasting the whole day here. We're in Paris. Let's go to the Louvre!" Scotty, Jenny, and Cooper: "To the Louvre!"

Traveler's money belt

Cooper: "What the hell is that?" Jamie: "It's a traveler's money belt. Frommer's says if you have one of these, no one can rob you of anything." Scotty: "Except your dignity." Jamie: "No, you just put that in your... wait, what?"

Train to Berlin

Scotty: "Jenny, let's go!" Cooper: "Come on, move it!" Jenny: "Those are my friends. We're supposed to get on a train to Berlin." Scotty: "Jenny!" Jenny: "I'm coming! So, it was really nice to meet you."

Touch me

Meike: "Touch me, Scotty." Scotty: "Okay."

Testicle clamps

"Administer the testicle clamps!"

The girls never came

"I saw a gay porno once. I didn't know until halfway in. The girls never came. The girls never came!"

Take it off

"Jenny! That outfit is horrible! Just take it off. Now!"

Things got a little crazy

Cooper: "I know I was out of control. How about you guys? Did you, uh...?" Jenny: "All right, look. We were really drunk, things got a little crazy, and Jamie kissed me. Let's just forget abeut it, 'kay?" Scotty: "Consider it forgotten." Jamie: "Never happened. Never happened." Cooper: "Fine, let's just forget about...

The pope is dead

"The pope is dead."

That devil guy

John: "There's our man." Peter: "Oh, Mr. Sleep here must have some major ties to the dark side." John: "What's with that guy?" Peter: "It's got to be one of his diciples or something." Street Vendor: "My man's in some deep nocturnal shit. Whoo!" John: "Yo man, I think that devil guy just got ripped off." Peter: "Sho...

The hat is on fire!

Scotty: "Cooper, the hat! The hat! The hat! The hat is on fire!" Cooper: "We don't need no water let the mother..." Scotty: "I'm not kidding! Look!"

Touchdown, Pope

"The pope busts an open field tackle. It's a hail mary, he catches at the 40. the 30, the 20, the 10, touchdown, Pope! The pope makes a two-point conversion. And, oh my lord! It's the pope, eight, and the heathens, nothing! How's you, sucka?"

They've Elected The New Pope

They've elected the new pope!

They're with me

"Take your mits off them boys! They're with me!"

This still counts as Europe

"This still counts as Europe, right?"

They thought I was a guy

Scotty: "How is this possible?" Mieke: "I guess they thought I was a guy." Scotty: "Now, who would be dumb enough to make a mistake like that?"

The most horrifying thing I've seen

Mr. Beefy: "(Snoring)" Todd: "That is the most horrifying thing I have ever seen."

There is a hell

Cardinal: "There is most definitely a hell." Audience: "What?" Cardinal: "And you're all going to go there when you die. Which is in about 15 Minutes." Deacon: "HOly shit! We really are going to die!"

That turn you on Ru Paul

Todd: "Oh my God, he just opened his mouth and swallowed that spit." Mr. Beefy: "That turn you on there Ru Paul?"

That much hostility

"No human being can carry that much hostility his entire life."

The evening star

"There she is, the evening star, she shines first, she shines brightest, and she shines longest."

That's gross

"That's gross."

There has got to be a heaven

"And if there is a hell, and those sons of bitches are from it...then there has got to be a heaven, Jacob, there's gotta be."

Think me up a cup of coffee

Gerard: "What are you doing?" Character 1 : "I'm thinking." Gerard: "Well, think me up a cup of coffee and a chocolate donut with some of those sprinkles on top will ya?"

They were vampires

"Do they look like psychos? Is that what they look like? They were vampires. Psychos do not explode when sunlight hits them...I don't give a shit how crazy they are!"

The Amberson mansion

"Against so home-spun a background, the magnificence of the Ambersons was as conspicuous as a brass band at a funeral…"

The king is a dog

"It has everything to do with it. The king is a dog. A dog and a coward."

The Twilight Zone

"Okay, it's official. We've entered the Twilight Zone."

These guys are everywhere

"Jesus, these guys are frickin' everywhere."

The Dead Remember

"How dare we? The dead remember."

That's extreme

"That's extreme, man!"

Thank you

"Thank you, come again!"

This isn't happening

"Oh my god, this isn't happening."

The body will turn up

"Well, don't worry; The body will turn up; They usually do."

This is cake

"This is cake. I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm gonna die."

The ruler for the next 10,000 years

Satan: "But after much thought and careful consideration, I've decided that the ruler for the next 10,000 years is going to have to be me." Cassius: "What?" Adrian (Rhys Ifans): "What?" Nicky: "Halelujah. I mean, that sucks."

The fire flows in

"You can't go through there. The fire flows in not out."

The Renaissance happened

Lucifer: "What's with all those who who noises?" Satan: "Everything's fine Pop." Lucifer: "Everything's fine. Who you bullshiting? The last time you said that everything was fine, the Renaissance happened." Satan: "Please Pop, go back to your room." Lucifer: "Hey, can I take him with me?" Satan: "Sure Pop, whatever ...

That's a train son

Jimmy: "You were gone ten seconds. What happened?" Nicky: "I got hit by this big light that was attached to a lot of metal." Satan: "That's a train son. Don't stand in front of them." Nicky: "Well, I'll have to take amuligan on this one."

The jig is up

Mr Beefy voice: "I just want to find my brothers and be on my way." Nicky: "Not going to be easy. Your brothers can posess people. So, they probably won't look like themselves. You have to be suspicious of everyone." Mr Beefy: "Alright Bro, well the jig is up then, Get the flask. Come on, slide right on in." Nicky: ...

The Devil is here

Deacon: "You make the lord very nervous." Nicky: "Alright." Deacon: "You've... I'm burning now." Nicky: "Take it easy." Deacon: "Hellfire is burning me alive!" Mr. Beefy: "He's burning." Deacon: "It's burning me! The beast is alive. He's among us! Clear the streets! The Devil is here!"

Tits McGee

Announcer: "You're watching Channel 4 News with five-time Emmy award-winning anchor Ron Burgundy and Tits McGee." Veronica: "Good evening, San Diego. I'm Veronica Corningstone. Tits McGee is on vacation."


Ron: "Did you throw a trident?" Brick: "Yeah. There were horses and a man on fire and I killed a guy with a trident."

Tape recorder

"I pooped a tape recorder."

Take Her Meds

Debbie: "Small Wonders Day Care." Bruce: "Grace?" Debbie: "No, It's Debbie, the sister whose life you're not wasting." Grace: "Oh, all right. Okay, okay, okay." Bruce: "Bye, Debbie." Grace: "Oops. Hi. Hi, sorry. Debbie forgot to take her meds today."

Taken My Bird and My Bush

"A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. I have no bird. I have no bush. God has taken my bird and my bush."

The Clapper

God: "(Claps twoce and the light goes off.)" Bruce: "You install the clapper?" God: "No, but catchy jingle, isn't it? Clap on, clap off, clap on, clap off, the clapper. Just can't get it out of my head." Bruce: "Well, good luck with that. I'm gonna go now."

The Arsonist

"The arsonist has oddly-shaped feet."

That Smell

Veronica: "What is that smell? Oh!" Brian: "That's the smell of desire, milady." Veronica: "God, no, it smells like-- like a used diaper filled with indian food. Oh! Excuse me." Brian: "You know, desire smells like that to some people."

Turd Covered In Burnt Hair

"What is that? It smells like a turd covered in burnt hair."

That Expression Doesn't Really Apply

Veronica: "But it's very important to me that I be viewed as a professional." Ron: "Right. When in Rome. Hmm." Veronica: "Yeah. That, uh, expression doesn't really apply to what I'm talking about" Ron: "Oh. Oh, I'm--" Veronica: "What I was saying." Ron: "I still don't quite understand what it means."

Three Jobs

"Another... Another interesting, uh, elfism: Uh, there are only three jobs available to an elf. The first is making shoes at night, while, you know, while the old cobbler sleeps. You can bake cookies in a tree. As you can imagine, it's dangerous having an oven in an oak tree during the dry season. But the third job,...

Thanks Mr. Narwhal

Mr. Narwhal: "Bye, Buddy. Hope you find your dad." Buddy: "Thanks, Mr. Narwhal."


"Jesus, she is terrifying!"

Thanks For Stopping By

Ron: "Well, for all of us here at channel four news, I'm Ron Burgundy. You stay classy, San Diego." Veronica: "And thanks for stopping by." Ron: "But mainly, stay classy." Veronica: "Thanks for stopping by." Ron: "Stay classy. I'm Ron Burgundy." Veronica: "Thanks for stopping by." Ron: "Stay classy. Ron Burgundy."

Throne of Lies

"You sit on a throne of lies."

Thinks He's an Elf

Walter: "He thinks he's an elf." Emily: "I'm sorry, what?" Walter: "He thinks he's a christmas elf."

Tucked in

Buddy: "Dad? Dad? Dad?!" Walter: "What?" Buddy: "I can't go to sleep unless I get tucked in." Walter: "What?" Buddy: "I can't go to sleep unless I get tucked in." Walter: "I am not gonna tuck you in." Buddy: "I promise I'll go right to sleep." Walter: "Fine." Buddy: "Tickle fight. Tickle fight."Walter: "Buddy, stop!...

That's a Joke

Buddy: "Why is you name on the desk?" Walter: "I bought the desk. My name's there so no one steals it." Buddy: "That's a joke, isn't it, Dad?" Walter: "Yeah, Buddy, that's a joke."

Too Old

"I'm getting too old for this job."

The Whistle

Hero Girl: "And that rope is the whistle." Hero Boy: "The whistle?" Hero Girl: "Uh-hum. You wanna try it?" Hero Boy: "(He pulls the rope and the whistle blows) I've wanted to do that my whole life!"

The Polar Express

(The Polar Express" Written and Produced by Glen Ballard & Alan Silvestri Performed by Marissa Blanchard, Darian Bryant, Riley Fansler, Cody Klop and Aria Wallace)