Jim: In fact, the more I think about it, you owe me. Al Crannis: Oh, for what? Jim: For the last two minutes you've stolen from my life.

You see? This is why they don't have women in the army.

Oh, I'll give you apology! You want to hear an apology? Shut up!

Yeah, I own my own business. It's great. Except I got my obnoxious brother-in-law working for me. Favor to my sister.

Cheryl: And now, because of Christmas, they get to see the great guy I see all year round. All because of a stupid wise man. What? Jim: You said "stupid wise man."

Piece of advice, you wanna play the blues, you gotta live the blues.

Guitarist: You ever play professionally? Eddie: Here and there, you know. Bonnie Raitt, Blues Traveler, Dave Matthews. What about you guys? Jim: Yeah, same kind of stuff, you know. Same kind of deal.

You need to nudge that little birdie out of the nest.

You can do it because you're Morgan. You get stuff done. You got focus, charm, good looks, a massive massive ego.

Ben: You're a demon assassin. You're just a demon assassin-- a faithful, not-cheating-on-me assassin. Give me some sugar, baby.

Jim: You sold me out. Cheryl: What? Jim: You told Andy he was a great architect. You built up his ego. You've undone all my good work.

Sherif Ali: You will not be at Aqaba, English! Go back, blasphemer! You will not be at Aqaba! Lawrence: I shall be at Aqaba. That is written...

Danny: Well, you've been waiting for them all year. Jim: Yes. Danny: Tickets to the Policeman's Ball.

Officer Elkin: I see you have a lovely home here, Cheryl. Cheryl: Oh, thank you. Officer Elkin: It's a burglar magnet. Close those windows at night.

Yeah, I'm a funny guy.

You just sit there with a beer in your hand watching TV.

I haven't had these since... well, since you had to tell me Kitty Mittens got hit by a truck. Oh, dear God. What's wrong?

Andy: Hey, listen. You think you're gonna get lucky tonight? JIm: Oh, brother. I'm lucky just meeting this one. She is so sweet.

Andy: What? You have a girlfriend? Jim: Yes. I've been trying to break up with her for, like, three weeks now. But it's really hard. I'm using her car, you know.

Jim: Yeah. And you'd still be up in a tree, naked with a crown of beer bottles screaming, "I'm the Queen of England." Danny: That only happened once.

You two are sad and lonely people with a desperate need for some companionship.

Officer Elkin: You like me? Danny: Well, you are a woman possessed of certain non-displeasing attributes which, to a man like myself, would perhaps respond... Officer Elkin: Just say, "Yes." Danny: Yes.

I know. I know. "You're a catch. They'll be lining up to meet you. You have a good heart. You should take better care of it."

You wanna bust a move?

Folks, you know, you can't really put the joy of farting onto a graph. But you can squeeze it into a tiny pair of overalls. "Now, that's a skyscraper."

You invented the fart?

Jim: Cheryl, Cheryl, that kid Emily. Wasn't her father a lawyer? Cheryl: Honey, I don't really think he's an option. You flipped him off in the parking lot.

You been nipping saurian brandy or something?

You do NOT know what you are doing.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, you got some email from some girl with some really big boobs.

Captain James T. Kirk: Your wife, Professor. Where is she? Professor Robert Crater: She... was the last of her kind. Captain James T. Kirk: The last of her kind? Professor Robert Crater: The last of its kind. Earth history, remember? Like the passenger pigeon or buffalo. Professor Robert Crater: Ooh! I feel stra...

Captain James T. Kirk: Stand by, Mr. Sulu. Spock has something. Mr. Spock: Green. Captain James T. Kirk: He beamed up to the ship with us. Mr. Spock: Or something did. Captain James T. Kirk: Enterprise, from Kirk. Lt. Hikaru Sulu: Bridge, Sulu. Captain James T. Kirk: You have an intruder aboard. Could be masqu...

Charlie, you.. You.. You just don't go around slapping girls on the...

Janice: You see...I'm his first crush. His first love. And his first... Jim: Yes, yeoman. I'll talk to him. I'll look into it.

Janice: You don't walk into a room without knocking. Charlie: Don't ever lock your door on me again, Janice. I love you. Janice: I'll lock it when I please. What is it you want anyway? Charlie: You.

You've got my ship, and I want it back. I want my crew back whole. If I have to break your neck to do it.

You be gentle. I mean, it's.. Isn't a one way street, you know. How you feel, and that's all. It's how the girl feels too.

Sgt. Baker: Yeah, how would Klink look with a red stripe on his pants? Col. Hogan: Like a bald-headed Kraut with a red stripe on his pants.

Cpl. Newkirk: You off to England then, Marie? Marie: No, my work is here; I will stay. De Gaulle does not need women. Col. Hogan: That's new kind of Frenchman.

You have to use the seasoning with a delicate touch. Now, in a case like this... a little salt... pepper... And when you are ready, your butter and parsley should actually dance across the meat.

I think I speak for all of us when I say you're being a lousy father.

Yo, I love the way you dominate your sister. Man, you know. I'm wanna do that to your mom.

Yeah, that's my sperm manifested.

You see, Junior, your values are all screwed up.

Oh, my God! Is this your dad? You didn't tell me your dad was P Daddy the Nap Master. I'm your biggest fan. Tell me to take a nap.

You fools! Soon I'll squash you like insects!

Jim: You're leaving with the ship, doctor. Dehner: He is not evil. Jim: I gave you an order, doctor.

You should've killed me while you could, James. Command and compassion is a fool's mixture.

You'll soon share this feeling, Elizabeth. To be like God, to have the power to make the world anything you want it to be.

You know the ugly, savage things we all keep buried, that none of us dare expose...

McCoy: Your pulse is 242. Your blood pressure is practically nonexistent, assuming you call that green stuff in your veins "blood." Spock: The readings are perfectly normal for me, doctor. Thank you. And as for my anatomy being different from yours, I am delighted.

You know what Joe's mistake was? He wasn't born an Irishman.

You're too beautiful to ignore.

Captain, no disrespect intended, but you must surely realize you can't announce the full truth to the crew. You're the captain of this ship. You haven't the right to be vulnerable in the eyes of the crew. You can't afford the luxury of being anything less than perfect.

You don't look so good. Put some make-up on.

Benevolent Captain: You need me. I need you. Aggressive Captain: I don't need you.

Andy: You put a cupcake on my chair, didn't you? Gracie: That's right, princess.

Cheryl: You didn't even write the girls' names on the goodie bags. Jim: No, they're all Britney or Ashley, what difference does it make?

You know, if you fail to plan, you plan to fail.

Jim: This part of your plan, isn't it? Cheryl: What plan? Jim: Your plan, you win, I lose. Cheryl: Oh, honey, that's not a plan, that's a fact of life. Uh-huh.

You smell like the hamper.

You don't have a girlfriend, do you?

You know what's a funny name for a city? Bangkok.

Cheryl, what I'm about to tell you, you may not believe. But Lisa dumped me.

Jim: You do love me, don't you? Cheryl: Oh, honey, of course I do. It's just that I wanna kill you.

How can you possibly think it's okay to give me the same ring you gave Lisa?

You have here an unusual opportunity to appraise the human mind, or to examine, in Earth terms, the roles of good and evil in a man. His negative side, which you call hostility, lust, violence. And his positive side, which Earth people express as compassion, love, tenderness.

Yes. And what is it that makes one man an exceptional leader? We see here indications that it is his negative side which makes him strong. That his evil side, if you will, properly controlled and disciplined, is vital to his strength. Your negative side, removed from you, the power of command begins to elude you.

You won't be afraid if you use your mind and think. Think. You can do it. That's it.

McCoy: ...you're no different than anyone else. We all have our darker side. We need it. It's half of what we are. It's not really ugly, it's human. Jim: Human? McCoy: Yes, human.

Jim, you can't risk your life on a theory! Spock: Being split in two halves is no theory with me, doctor. I have a human half, you see, as well as an alien half, submerged, constantly at war with each other. Personal experience, doctor. I survive it because my intelligence wins out over both, makes them live togethe...

You're the captain of this ship. You haven't the right to be vulnerable in the eyes of the crew. You can't afford the luxury of being anything less than perfect. If you do, they lose faith, and you lose command.

Bones: You have a point, Spock? Spock: Yes, always, doctor.

Cheryl: You just don't get it, do you? JIm: I don't get anything!

Gracie: You need a drink of water, Uncle Andy? Andy: Oh, yes. Please, I am so thirsty. Gracie: Too bad that's not a real question!

You know, you're supposed to be the smart one out of the two of us.

From now on, neither are you, unless I'm right by your side. You go right, I go right. You go left, I go left. You go squiggly, I go squiggly.

You know, you two are perfect for each other.

Cheryl: You bought two German shepherds to protect me? Jim: I didn't buy them. They're rentals.

Jim: They're very gentle. But you're gonna have to learn German. Cheryl: What? Jim: "German" shepherds? Their native tongue?

You're gonna sleep better tonight than you have in years. Not that sleeping is on the itinerary for this evening.

You just kissed me on the toilet.

You know who's gonna love this story? Your prom date.

You're part Vulcanian, aren't you? Ah, well then, a pretty face doesn't affect you at all, does it? Uh, that is, not unless you want it to. You can save it, girls. This type can turn himself off from any emotion.

Jim: You're a hard-nosed one, captain. Mudd: And you're a liar, Mr. Walsh.

Sulu: You're on duty, Johnny O. Back to reality. John: You can feel their eyes when they look at you. Like something grabbing hold of you. You notice that? Sulu: I noticed. How I noticed. Cool it now, Johnny, okay?

Jim: Yes! Yes! Cheryl: What? Jim: I finally got something Buckner wants!

You are already married and now a millionaire wants you, too? It's just not fair!

Jim: Eve? Eve: You've got someone up there... called the Enterprise.

You should have seen him interviewing ponies when he turned six.

Yeah, but it's frustrating. Almost a million gross tons of vessel depending on a hunk of crystal the size of my fist.

Cheryl: Okay. I'm gonna ask you a question. But, I'm pretty sure I already know the answer. Jim: Yes. These are the same pants I wore yesterday.

Oh, God, I'd like to see how you react after getting fired. Oh, no, that's right. You haven't worked in 10 years. Hmm.

Mr. Spock: You are certain you recognize his voice? Christine Chapel: Have you ever been engaged, Mr. Spock?

Okay, see, in my fantasy, you're all mature, responsible, delightful little children.

Your job is done. Congratulations, Dad, you've raised a wonderful son.

Jay: You just relax, there's no pressure, okay? We have the rest of our lives to make love. Michael: Well, look, Moby... I mean, maybe we should, uh... Maybe we should cuddle. Let's cuddle.

You suffer from erectile dysfunction.

You need Big Blue. Viagra.

Jay: You should accept me for who I am the way I am. Michael: It's hard to accept you for who you are because I know the way you were.

You never know who you'll meet on the Orient Express.

You weren't kidding, Mr. Data.

Jim: You never got to have your Capellini Pomodoro. Dana: Oh! I wanted the Tuscan T-bone. Jim: Yeah, but it wasn't your birthday.

You want to play with the big boys, you better be a big boy.

You needn't worry about a thing.

You shouldn't have gone to all this trouble, really.

You are Federation citizens.

Jim: You gotta have a root canal? Cheryl: Yeah. But I'm not gonna do it. And I don't care if all my teeth fall out. Jim: Oh, come on, Cheryl, if that happened, people would be saying, "What's he doing with her?"

Yo, what's up, Slim?

Yes, Andy. That's what I said. And I explained it.

You hand-washed the guy's underpants!

Jim: I can totally get away with this. But there's something inside me that's just stopping me! Andy: You mean guilt? Jim: I don't know what the medical term is.

Wait a minute. You took our children, our babies, into some smoky nightclub?

You took this wild animal out of the jungle, put him in a cage, and make him perform little tricks in your suburban circus!

Jim: You want some chocolate in it? Gracie: Surprise me.

Hi. You're having pizza. You're going to wanna sop up that grease.

You're just using her to take Ruby and Gracie off your hands so you have more time to do stained glass Hitlers.

Gracie: You have cheese stuff on your face. Andy: Oh. Well, let me wipe it off with one of my $500 bills.

Yeah. I guess you could say I'm all thumbs. All green thumbs, huh?

Andy: Hey! Where are you guys going? Ruby: We quit. Andy: No, you can't quit. I'm winning. Gracie: Uh-huh. We got your race car. Ruby: And your money.

Jim: You own a hot tub store? Tim: Uh, is this thing on?

Cheryl: You're more two-faced than I am. Jim: Yeah, yeah, yeah. But both my faces are going to be soaking in a hot tub, baby.

Jim: You be as mean as you have to be. Cheryl: God, I can't be mean. I'm too nice. Jim: Come on, have you learned nothing being married to me all these years?

Cindy, you think this guy doesn't know the inside of his own refrigerator?

You, me, Cindy and Cheryl. You know, the fearsome foursome.

Jim: Oh, Cheryl. Do you realize they have season tickets on the 50 yard line? Cheryl: You sold me out for football tickets?

You're still living like you have a job.

You're not gonna, like, go out cruising for chicks together, are you?

Jim: You think I'm being hypocritical? Cheryl: Maybe a little. And "hypocritical" is spelt with a "Y." Jim: You sound like my wife.

You're going to need a plumber.

Why is it you shut down around me, but you can pour your heart out to some total stranger on the Internet?

Eddie Jilette: Jilette. Eddie Jilette. Michel Duval: What? Eddie Jilette: Eddie Jilette, say it! Michel Duval. Eddie Jilette. Eddie Jilette: If anything else comes out of your mouth, you're history. Michel Duval: If you shoot, they'll kill you. Eddie Jilette: I can't get a shit about dying.

You want to see what defeat looks like, take a picture.

Ben: Do it! Sock: M-a-m-a. We know how you got that way. Your mama, uh uh!

Nina: You know those guys that were hitting on me at the bar? Ben: Yeah. Nina: Those were demons.

Uhura: Yes, sir. Riley: Now, that's what I like! Let the women work too. Universal suffrage.

Sprong: You had at least a glimmer of potential. But I see you're still rolling in the mud with the other swine. Sock: Whoa whoa, she is not fat. Take a look.

You're evil and you're going back to hell.

You will get your hands off me this instant. I am not going anywhere with you lunatics.

You've convinced me, doctor. You've convinced me that you're dangerous.

why, you wouldn't even dream of harming a... an insect or an animal. Their life was sacred to you then.

Korby: You might as well try to out think a calculating machine. Jim: Obviously, I can't. But we do have some interesting differences. Korby: Totally unimportant ones.

By continuing the process... I could have transferred you, your very consciousness, into that android. Your soul, if you wish. All of you. In android form... a human being can have practical immortality.

Spock: You're going back down with the command packet? Kirk: Mind your own business, Mr. Spock. I'm sick of your half-breed interference, do you hear?

Spock: Yes. Very well, captain. Jim: You look upset, Mr. Spock. Is everything all right up here? Spock: No problems here, sir.

You brought him among us. You brought the inferior ones. We had cleansed ourselves of them. Now you bring the evil back.

Ben Gonzalez. I'd recognize that skinny frame anywhere. You realize your lifelong dream of becoming a woman yet?

Mr. Sprong: You know what I always remember about you? The time we dissected that cat. Sock: Oh, snap. Walk away, walk away. Mr. Sprong: You started crying like a little five-year-old girl.

You wasted space in my classroom, you're wasting space here and now and you will waste space when they put you in jail. Until another waste of space beats your skull to a bloody pulp with a broom handle. And that will be a good day.

You're gonna have to pry that costume from my dead, cold, slightly overweight body.

Kidnapping, assault-- you're way more twisted than I'd ever hoped.

Nina: You promised you weren't gonna do anything stupid. Ben: Ah, stupid is letting demons try to steal my girl.

You, Ben Gonzalez, and some demon hunk are gonna throw down?

Jay: You're violating your children's rights. Michael: Look, the only rights my children have is the right to remain silent, and anything they say to a phone call to their friends can and will be used against them in my court.

Jim: You couldn't get close to the other kids? Spock: Impossible. They know the area too well. Like mice.

Capt. Kirk: You two will have to recreate their thinking. If you can isolate that virus, you can develop a vaccine. Dr. McCoy: Is that all, Captain? We have five days, you know.

Interesting. You Earth people glorify organized violence for 40 centuries, but you imprison those who employ it privately.

You smug, button-pushing brass hat.

Jim? You really should come out here. Oh, you can almost taste the sunshine!

You think maybe someone could give me ice, a bandage, a family who loves me?

Come on. Come on, you gotta take this bird. I'll make it worth your while. You like pickles?

Jim: You like pickles? Dana: Pickles? Jim: That was my first offer. I was waiting for a counter.

You're a big liar!

Yeah, well, hindsight's always 24/7.

Captain. You remind me of the... The ancient skeptic who demanded of the wise old sage to be taught all the world's wisdom while standing on one foot.

You will forget all you have heard. To remember any portion of it, any word, will cause you pain. Terrible pain, growing more terrible as you fight to remember.

Adams: You're madly in love with Helen, captain. You'd lie, cheat, steal for her. Sacrifice your career, your reputation. Helen: No, doctor. No. Adams: No. The pain. Do you feel it, captain?

Cheryl: Okay, you know what? Three kids. No kids. Enough said. Dana: Oh, really? Okay. Stretch marks. No stretch marks. Enough said.

Jim: You know, you never see an anvil in real life, do you? Andy: Well look how dangerous they are.

Jim: You're way off. Cheryl: You're lying. Jim: No, he's not.

Eye contact! You have to have eye contact before you throw stuff to people.

Andy: Hi! Yeah, hey. Um, your yoga classes are women-only, right? Jim: Oh, yoga? Andy: Hey, hey, hey, hey... Great, great. We're gonna be walking by your window in about a half hour. How is the herd looking today?

Jim: So you have deliberately deceived someone for your own selfish reasons? Dana: Hmm. Jim: I respect that.

Dana: You want me to do your walking for you? Jim: Hey, I'm sparing you the pain of childbirth.

Jim: What? You think I'm in the business of renting my kids out? Dana: A hundred bucks.

Mr. Spock: You begin to feel a strange euphoria... your body floats... Dr. Simon van Gelder: Yes... Mr. Spock: Open your mind; we move together...our minds sharing the same thoughts...

You rented our daughter?

Cheryl, you don't know what it's like. You're not still single. You have the luxury of being yourself because you married beneath you.

You won. I lost. You are right again.

Jim: Don't you know an empty gesture when you hear one? Cheryl: Oh, honey. You don't have to walk anymore. Jim: Really? Cheryl: No. Don't you know an empty gesture when you hear one?

Andy: You're a sailor, huh, Frank? Frank: That's right, it was my passion until I met your mother. Now it's just a hobby.

Cheryl: You know, I just don't like that Frank. Did you see the way he was massaging my mother's shoulders in the kitchen? And the way he keeps calling her "honey"? And then he pulls her chair out at the table. Jim: Yeah, you're right, he's a real psychopath.

You know why I've come, captain. It's only six days away at maximum warp.

Cheryl: You took him to a strip club and you bought him a lap dance. Jim: Honey, it was a bachelor party. What? You want me to take him to Color Me Mine?

Yeah, they're spoiled. We've done a terrible job with them.

Jim: What? Cheryl: I can't do it. I need you to tell her. Jim: You want me to kill her? Cheryl: What? No! Tell her. Jim: Honey, if you're gonna whisper, you need to enunciate. Imagine if I had acted immediately.

You know, every time I'd walk into a room, he would look up at me and he would say, you know what, I'm really happy. And for the first time, boy, in a long time, I felt so... so alive.

Jim: You told me you didn't have a middle name. Cheryl: I hate it. Don't you ever use that again. Jim: All right, your secret's fine with me. Mabel, Mabel, set the table. Cheryl: Stop it, stop it, I mean it, I mean it, Jim. Jim: Pour the drinks if you're able. Cheryl: Stop it! La, la, la, la, la...

You know, if everybody in the Underground were as pretty as you, the Nazis would be fighting to join.

Hogan: You know, it's too bad Alberta isn't a parrot, then she could tell you the message. Rhona: What if the Gestapo caught her? Hogan: You're right. They have ways of making anybody talk.